“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.” ~Paul Boes
In October of 2010 I was engaged after only three weeks of dating. I was scared to tell my family, but I was terrified to tell my father. My parents divorced when I was five, and I couldn’t spend weekends at Dad’s because he lived thousands of miles away. I saved him for last and decided to take the cowardly way out by emailing him.
It was not the best decision I’ve ever made. Not only did it infuriate and hurt him, it ended up producing a phone call that would alter my life forever. It was a call filled with horrible words that left me in tears and him hanging up on me. I’ve managed to erase most of the words from my head but not how devastating they felt.
Six months later we were married in a private ceremony on a beach in Jamaica. After we got back I was still bothered by the fight I had with my father, but I tried to push it to the back of my mind.
Shortly after, my father began reaching out to me through emails and voicemail. He wanted to meet my new husband and see me. Through email, things became pleasant and we made plans to come visit him in Florida that August.
My father left another voicemail saying he was still waiting for me to call back and tell him about my trip, yet something was stopping me. Fear, dread, anxiety, and many other emotions made me freeze at the thought of picking up the phone and calling him.
What if this phone call turns out like the last? Every day I came up with a new excuse and told myself I would call the next day. This was until I ran out of days.
Two months later my oldest brother called me at work to tell me Dad had passed away that morning. He had been sick for some time, but because of our strained relationship and the strained relationship he had with most of my other siblings, I had no idea how sick. I do remember the first thought that went through my head. I can’t call him back….ever.
After my father’s death I fell into a foggy depression. For a long time I was unable to focus at work, I isolated myself from all of my friends, and tried to avoid anything that required being social or productive. I was holding myself back from living and slowly dying myself.
My husband, who was my savior and biggest support system, helped pushed me toward the road to self-forgiveness by asking me this question: “Why can you forgive your father for being absent most of your life, yet you can’t forgive yourself for not calling him back? I don’t get it.” I didn’t either.
It was time to let go of the guilt, and from then on as I began my days with sadness, I searched for different ways to get rid of it.
Reach out to others who can help you understand.
When I was feeling upset, I would ask my mom questions about my dad. I learned more about him in the short time after his death than I knew during his whole life. Her stories helped explain to me why he was the way he was, and in return it helped me realize why I was the way I was. His tendency to avoid confrontation and taking the easy way out made me realize I was my father’s daughter.
Whether it’s a family member, a friend, or even a therapist, reaching out to someone may lead to answers that help you better understand yourself and your situation.
Channel your present guilt and regret into something else.
I didn’t risk calling my father, so I took another risk. For many years it had been my personal and professional dream to write and publish a children’s picture book. I started asking around if anyone knew of someone who could illustrate my story.
When I asked my mother, she replied, “Your father. He was so good at drawing. He was so good at painting too.” Over time she showed me some of the ceramic pieces he painted years ago.
Right then I felt even more determined to find an illustrator and self publish my story. Most importantly, it made me feel closer to him. Learning about his hidden talent was like a push from him to go through with my dream.
What has been your life long dream? There’s no better time than the now to start going after it. The journey you take and the energy you put into it are worth the rewards.
Change your environment.
I started to surround myself with those who showed me that life is limitless, children. I took up a nanny job and started to spend more time with my nieces. There’s nothing like the excitement and positive outlook of a child to show you there is more to life than the bad things you experience. You cry over something, you pick yourself up, and start to play again.
It was hard to let sadness consume me after spending the day with constantly laughing and eager to explore children. They reminded me to enjoy the little things I’d taken for granted. They reminded me the future will be okay.
Migrate to positive people in your life or new ones you meet. A different perspective on life may help change yours as well.
Stopped dwelling on the what ifs and focus on the positive results.
I still hear his last voicemail in my head to this day. “Steph, I’m waiting for you to call me back and tell me about your trip.” No, I never called him back and our last conversation will always be a fight. But that fight sparked a reconciliation. It sparked effort on his part, effort I had been waiting for, for a very long time.
You can’t go and change the past, so there’s no point in obsessing over it. Even if it takes you months to figure it out, search for the positive that resulted from your negative situation.
Believe that you deserve to be forgiven.
I still haven’t 100% forgiven myself, but I’m getting there. I consider myself lucky because on the days that aren’t so good and I can‘t call him back…ever, I get comfort from my biggest support system. It is the support system whom my father wanted to meet and get to know, my husband.
When I remember the progress my father and I were making, it helps put me at ease and I can breath a little easier. It also helps me to hope and work for great things in the future. I deserve my own forgiveness and I know my father believes I do as well.
Believe you deserve to be forgiven. We are not perfect but we are still worthy of happiness. Once you can accept that, self-forgiveness will follow and enlarge a future filled with greatness. The world is your canvas, but if you continue to let guilt hold you back, it will forever remain blank. Pick yourself up and start to play again.
About Stephanie Workman
Stephanie Workman is the author of Lucy’s Amazing Friend, a picture book about eight-year-old Lucy who befriends Daniel, a boy living with autism. To find out more about the author visit stephanieworkman15.com and Facebook.com/stephanieworkman15.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
thank you.
Stephanie this is one of the hardest things I am trying to do right now in my life, for different reasons of course. I had tears by the time I finished reading this article. I know I have done things in the past that I am not proud of but didn’t realise at the time. So reading articles like yours gives me hope that I can work through letting go of guilt and forgiving myself. I’ve never had anything harder to face. Thank you for sharing, it certainly does help others.
Nadine, reading your comment just made my eyes water. lol Thank you so much for your words. It definitely was a hard blog to write, but therapeutic.
Thanks Stephanie. I recently started writing therapy. I’ve just finished writing a few articles about the guilt I feel and trying to forgive myself so my face is pretty wet with tears. So it’s people like you, that a person will probably never ever meet personally, who inspire people like me to start the healing process sooner than they imagine. And that’s a great thing. Because I want to be healed and happy in this lifetime.
That just put a smile on my face. 🙂
Hello Stephanie, thanks for sharing your story. I find it very hard to forgive myself for all sorts of things. Years after my mother died, I wrote her a letter with all the things I wshed I’d said to her before she left. I found it very helpful in releasing the regret I was carrying around allowing me to move on.
Well written too. Thanks again.
Thank you Jeromy for your kind words. I found writing about it also helped release some of the regret as well.
Jeromy, thank you for your kind words. I often think of things I wish I had said and found writing about it helped as well.
Great article, Stephanie!
Thank you Tina! I appreciate your feedback.
Stephanie, I understand that it would have been the hardest phases you have been through in your life. However I am happy that you are almost near 100% of forgiving yourself and the greatest asset you have is your husband, to support you always. I’m sure your dad would be happy for this 🙂
Stay happy and blessed always!
a great article -however, I read this and other articles over and over and i still cant find the right way or where to start to forgive myself. i hate myself. i cant find any positives in my story, its hard enough to admit my full story honestly to myself let alone someone else. there is only me to blame what i did to myself – a form of self harm – that now affects my current partner. through the time of self harm i was depressed but never accepted that and now i need to deal with being depressed and trying to forgive myself… im losing my positivity daily… any books or further articles anyone can suggest?
Stephanie,
This was a meaningful and helpful read for me. My parents divorced when I was very young and as a child I felt guilty somehow for it, as well as abandoned.
I carried anger and self esteem issues for many years, and only recently after my father passed away did I confront my own pain.
My forgiveness began with Oprah’s definition – forgiveness is is letting go of the hope that the past will or can be different.
I have reflected on this many times and it has helped release my pain.
I write in my journal and even write songs about the process, as my coping mechanism.
Thank you for the thought provoking encouragement.
Eric
Hi Stephanie,
Thank you for this article, I myself struggle with forgiveness, guilt and shame, coming from a family with emotionally abusive parents, where I constantly victimise myself and think the world owes me something. It is very difficult to become aware of these ’embarrassing’ traits and step aside of my ego. Reading your article triggers these feelings, feelings of emptiness, shame, guilt, ‘what ifs’ or ‘I should have’. You know, in the end it does not matter what the other person does, whether this person is alive or not, all is merely a reflection or projection of things that are dormant or awake inside ourselves. We try to find the answers outside, but the answer is always inside. I say this, whilst a part of me is resisting, denying and does not want to believe it is true what I am saying. Not at all easy to apply. Far from it.
Thanks for sharing your story with us
This really hits home with me now. I lost the man I loved in March this year to alcoholism liver failure. He pushed me away some months before and would not speak to me or have anything to do with me. He treat me pretty badly. I thought it was because I had told him I loved him and because I did not want to give up on him I kept texting and emailing him.
He told me he had a lot on his plate before all of this happened and he had never been very good at showing affection, so I was unsure if he cared about me at all. I thought he hated me when he pushed me away and, even now, I am still not sure how he felt about me. His friend emailed me after he passed away, telling me how Brian had loved having me in his life and how I had made a difference to his life, but he just did not know how to share or show that and that Brian did not understand why I cared about him so much, as he did not feel like he was worth anything. I feel so guilty, like I let him down. I feel like I should have done more to stay in his life, when he pushed me away, I should have kept trying to get through to him, to let him know how much he meant to me and how much I loved him. I should have helped him with his drinking issues and let him know how worthwhile and important he was and maybe he would still be alive today. I knew he drank too much, but I guess I was in denial as much as he was, I did not want to admit to myself that he had a problem and in the end he died. I should have done more to help him.
It has been six months since he died and I am still struggling to accept that I will never see him again. Even when I am talking and having an innocent laugh with some of the men at work, I feel like I am betraying his memory. I do not think I will ever fall in love with any other man, as my heart cannot go through anymore heartache.
Flower,
Every day is still a struggle for me and on the sunniest day, the darkest depression could creep in without fair warning. I didn’t know where to start as well. I just knew I had, had enough and it wasn’t fair to my husband either.
One day I opened my laptop and saw one of my old children’s stories so I started writing again. Pretty soon hours had gone by and I realized I actually felt good. I wanted more of that feeling.
All of the other positive changes came slowly along the way. My sister had a second baby and needed help. Every time I left her house after being with the kids I was in such a good mood. That led to being a nanny.
Every time I came across something positive that made me feel good I would incorporate it into my life and I still do. This is starting from 2010 until now so it’s not a quick fix. I was lucky to have my mother to talk to, but in the past when I felt like I had no one to talk to regarding other issues I saw a therapist.
As far as books I’ve heard of a book called Feeling Good that has gotten good reviews. You could try and check that out. One book that really touched me years ago was a memoir called Manic.
There is no right way to forgive yourself, there is only your way. This article showed my ways and if even if only one person was inspired to try one of the things I did then that makes me very happy. Whatever you decide to do just stay positive and don’t lose hope.
Thank you Marrilyn! I feel my dad would be happy for me as well. Thank you for the supportive words.
Eric,
Thank you for your kind response. I completely agree that forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past will or can be different. I’m happy to hear that you have been able to release your pain and have found a coping mechanism. All the best.
Filitech thank you for your very wise and insightful response. “We try to find the answers outside, but the answer is always inside.” I completely agree and yes it is easier said than done.
Emma,
First I’m very sorry for your loss. I do know one thing that has helped me along the way regarding other situations I have experienced was to remember I am not responsible for others actions, I am only responsible for my own and I can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. Apparently you did help your boyfriend according to what he told his friend even though you didn’t realize it at the time.
Two comments below stated things I completely agree with. “We try to find the answers outside, but the answer is always inside” and “Forgiveness is is letting go of the hope that the past will or can be different.” Don’t forget about yourself. You are still alive and you deserve a life filled with greatness. You’d be surprised how much stronger you and your heart really is. I know I’ve surprised myself over the years and shown myself strength I never knew I had.
Thank you so much for the article… i struggle from the guilt of not raising my oldest son… When he was 12 he went to live with my dad in northen ca. I was a good mom, i just couldnt be a dad too. He was missing something i couldn’t give him, so i let him go. As a mother that is the hardest dicission i ever had to make. I lived for a long time telling myself that is was the best thing for him, but it created an akward dynamic of my parents, now being like my son’s parents, and i felt kicked out of raising him. It all started to come to a head for me at the beginning of his senior year of high school, when on senior night for football, it was my parents recieving the flowers and recognition and not me, i spiralled out of control after that. I lost all control over my emotions and became depressed. It affected my relationship, and i struggled being close to my youngest son.
I blamed myself for so long of not being good enough, and not forgiving myself for not being his mom. I am finally working through it in therapy… i am now trying to live in the present and to stop beating myself up for the past… my son thanks me for what i did for him.
Great article Stephanie and thanx for sharing your story. I lived with guilt feelings about hating my father for all he put me through. When he finally died I felt even more guilt for being happy he was dead. It took me a wee bit of time to get over that and just let it be. What’s done is done. He’s gone and I’m free. Free of guilt, anger, fear and hatred. It’s very liberating. Thank you again and hopefully your story can help at least one person! <3
Thank you for such an honest & thought provoking post.
Self-forgiveness is something that I have been working on recently. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 12 years & for a long time after leaving I felt stupid for having stayed so long. This has inspired me to write my own blog post on the subject as I have been less than patient & kind to myself in the past.
Thank you for sharing your story as well. Everyone has there own way of trying to work through painful times and emotions and I’m glad you are finding yours. I wish you all the best.
Thank you Iva and I’m so happy to hear you feel free and liberated after your experience. It’s people like you that give others hope that it’s possible.
You definitely should write a post on your experience. While writing mine there were times I had to stop and take some time before I went back to it. After I was done it felt like a weight had been lifted from my chest. Even if you decide not to publish it, just writing about it helps so much.
My brother and I were once very close, but due to his alcohol and drug addiction, and some of his behaviors, I had to bury him in my heart and mind long before his body failed. We did not speak at all the last few years of his life, a time when I know he was at his loneliest and weakest. He died alone of a drug overdose. When it came time to bury him, I recall placing a flower on his grave. In that moment, I felt an overwhelming presence. It was the presence of absolute and pure love. Call me crazy, but I feel that he is now part of that presence. I love my brother and this is how I forgive myself. He suffered terribly while on this earth I was not there for him in his darkest days, but my love for him lives every day.
Chris,
I’m very sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story. The presence of absolute and pure love is very powerful and it’s not crazy at all that you feel he was a part of that presence. Love is the best healer when it comes to self forgiveness.
This was a beautiful article and very thought provoking. I made some big mistakes over the last couple of years, I know I hurt some people that I can never apologise to and disappointed myself hugely because I did not think my actions through. At the time I wasn’t well but I do not consider that an excuse, and I still have waves of guilt that hit. Nothing I did was huge or intentionally hurtful, more thoughtless or done out of fear. Funnily enough part of it was not calling someone back, because I was scared. I’m trying to forgive myself, but I’m still to angry with myself for being so stupid. It’s good to hear from someone who is on the oath to forgiveness. I hope this article was cathartic and helped you on your road. Peace and love.
Also apologies for the misspellings. I’m still not great with a touch screen! I meant path to forgiveness…
Hi Berry,
I’m so happy you enjoyed the article. It was very cathartic to write and was a huge factor in helping me on my way. Likewise it’s good to hear from others who are on the path to forgiveness as well.
I too am struggling with deep feelings of shame and guilt over stupid mistakes. I am continually distraught with thoughts of my past self. The worst part is that now, because of the mistakes I’ve made, I realize how important the relationships I accidentally squandered are to me, and would always be loyal to those people and strive to put forth my best self for them. But now they want nothing to do with me, and I have no chance to redeem myself. All I want is to see myself with fresh eyes so I can continue to build a new self without being weighed down by the old one.
Thank you for writing this
Hi Stephanie: I had a very similar experience to yours. My dad recently passed 5 months ago and one of our final conversations was an argument. I avoided calling him bc things got to be too much for me. The last time I saw him alive was the Sunday after Christmas. We barely spoke, but neither of us were angry at the other. I was able to speak to my dad, but he was unable to talk to me due to having a massive stroke the following Monday after seeing him. He was only able to lightly scratch my hand with his thumb. Since his passing, it’s been hell on Earth for me. I have received what I believe are signs from my dad perhaps trying to tell me he’s with me and comfort me. I truly believe he and my mom are together (she passed 16 years ago).
I think the biggest thing I’m having trouble with is forgiving myself. I know my sister and I did the best we could with the info we had and our lives while he was sick. My brain knows it’s time to forgive myself, but my heart isn’t listening. Any advice you have is welcome.
Peace and prayers,
Maria
Stephanie,
This is absolutely beautiful…and heartbreaking. Thank you for sharing with us the pain you must have gone through. These types of situations make us think harder about our current relationships and what they truly mean to us. It’s hard not to beat ourselves up when they don’t turn out they way we had hoped for. I came across this article after reading another one of yours on another site. I love your writing and can’t wait to read more of your future experiences.
Thank you Dan. I appreciate your feedback.
Thank you Britney! I completely agree with you. I plan to write more articles in the future and I hope you enjoy them as well.
Hi Maria,
First, I’m very sorry for your loss. Second, one important thing I realized when trying to forgive myself was that I needed to feel like I deserved it. When I had trouble with that I started to think about my father and even though our last contact was a fight I know he loved me and would never place any blame on me. That helped ease my guilt somewhat. Some relationships with those you love are just plain hard but you do the best you can with what you have. So, if I did the best I could, why am I punishing myself? It didn’t make sense that I was. When I start to feel guilt creeping back in I remind myself of that. It sounds to me that you did the best you could with your father as well.
One thing my mother said to me after my father’s death was that it made her sad to know that I was sad. This reminded me that no parent wants their child to feel that way. I know my father would want me to be happy and continuing to blame myself would go against his wishes. Be happy for your father, but most of all be happy for yourself. You are still here and I believe those signs you are getting from your father are his way of telling you to let go and live. I hope this helps.
Best,
Stephanie
“All I want is to see myself with fresh eyes so I can continue to build a new self without being weighed down by the old one.” That is great advice and it sounds like you know exactly the right direction to go in. I wish you luck and happiness with everything.
Best,
Stephanie
Thank you for reading it!
Yes! This is exactly what I was looking for. So raw and full of truth. Thank you.
Hi Stephanie!
This article was amazing to read, and really turned a light on in my head. My fiance passed fairly recently, and I realized that I am carrying a lot of guilt about how we were still together, yet facing a lot of difficulties that related to her illness. I’ve come to the realization that while she may have felt as hurt as I was, I also know that she would forgive me, because that’s the kind of wonderful person she was. And she would expect me to forgive myself, which is what I had to start doing. Just looking myself in the mirror, and telling myself that she would forgive me, and I need to forgive myself as well didn’t take all of the guilt away, but it opened a crack in the wall of guilt I was building, to let in some air that I was certain I would never get.
I know I’m a pretty good guy, I care about my family a great deal, I work hard, and I can have fun when I need to let off steam. She would want me to keep experiencing these things, so I need to believe that as well. She would want me to love and be loved, and I need to believe in that too, even if it takes time. She would not want me to feel sad and guilty every time I think about how she’s not there; we had a lot of good times that deserve to be remembered, with joy. I feel genuinely hopeful for the first time since this all happened. Thank you for this wonderful article!
Thank you very much for sharing this, Stephanie. My father just passed away yesterday and I am currently struggling a lot with the fact that I did not reply his last message nor let him know I changed phone number as I wanted to teach him a lesson. My cousin had to approach me through Facebook to let me know that he’d gone.
I so wish I could turn back the time and talk to him for the last time. I so wish that he’d tell me he’d forgive me. I hope time will help me to deal with this guilt.