“Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness. If, in our heart, we still cling to anything—anger, guilt, or possessions—we cannot be free.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh
One night after my nine-year-old son had just gone to bed, he asked me if I would lay with him, as he was scared. I was getting ready for a busy week and was tired, so I replied, “No, you’re fine. Go to sleep.”
When he died the following afternoon after being hit by a car, I remembered what he’d asked me. The guilt that followed me from that day on was overwhelming.
Guilt is an emotion that we have all experienced. It can come in many forms, from simply cheating on a diet or from making a dreadful choice that affects our lives forever.
The guilt I felt after my son died burdened me for several years. Every anniversary, I would go over and over what I hadn’t done during those last few days before his death.
I would remember every conversation, every request. The guilt beat me up, it made me replay my mistakes, and it wasted enormous amounts of my energy, re-enacting how I could have done something differently. It made me feel bad even when I didn’t feel bad!
I think one of the reasons it was so hard to give up and let go of my guilt was because I felt the need to punish myself after his death for all the things I hadn’t done in his life.
I would pretend that if I had made different choices, I could have changed that day.
People would remind me of all the things I had done for my son and the wonderful life and love he was given, but it wasn’t enough for me. I constantly questioned why I hadn’t done more.
After a few years, I realized that guilt was consuming me and in order for me to move on, I needed to find a way to let go and forgive myself.
I was weighed down because I was living a life consumed by the past. Guilt did not allow me to be fully present with my family, or to see all the good that I had in my life then and now.
I had to face that I was never going to change the past, but I could change the way I remembered my precious time with my son. Once I did, I could free myself from being the victim of my story.
Guilt was a pointless burden on top of my grief. I needed to accept the decisions that I had made and let go.
With guidance from a reiki practitioner, I learned how to become still, empty my mind of my negative thoughts, and finally give myself permission to stop carrying this burden.
Here are some of the ways I learned to let go of my guilt and forgive myself. If you’re also clinging to guilt and living in the past, these may help you, too.
Stillness
In our busy world it can be difficult to find time for stillness, and sometimes it’s easier to avoid it, since it can bring up painful emotions. But it’s only in facing the emotions that we can work through them and let them go.
Through practicing meditation and yoga, I found that breathing deeply and slowly helped me release the stress in my body and mind.
It allowed me observe, accept, and release my guilt, and it also helped me focus and create new, positive beliefs and thoughts.
Over time, stillness can help us learn to identify the beliefs and thoughts that lead to guilt so we can let them go to feel lighter and less attached to stories about the past.
Journaling
Not long after our son died, I began to write in a journal. It really helped me to express my feelings and understand why I felt how I did.
Start by writing down your overwhelming thoughts and feelings. Allow yourself to express everything. Be still and take time to read it back.
Now ask yourself some questions, like: Do I need to hold onto to these thoughts and feelings anymore? How would changing these thoughts or feelings make a difference in my life? How is guilt holding me back?
Answer honestly and begin to see where you can change the thoughts and beliefs you have about your situation.
Then start writing down some new goals, affirmations, and thoughts you can have instead, and make time each day to practice them. Our journals can help us release, learn, and keep track of our progress and our goals for the future.
Visualization/Forgiveness
Sitting in a calm, quiet place, visualize the person you feel guilty about and ask them for forgiveness. Now, see them forgiving you, see yourself and the other person covered in light, and see yourself no longer burdened by your guilt.
For a long time I didn’t believe I deserved forgiveness, and you may feel the same.
Forgiveness means letting go and releasing the heaviness and the old story we have told ourselves. Forgiveness allows us see the truth and release the past.
It’s hard to forgive yourself and accept that you deserve it, but holding onto your guilt only creates pain. Seek help from a trained practitioner if you feel you cannot do it on your own.
Time and practice will always be your healer, so be patient and never give up.
Realize that no one is perfect—and also that our guilt often has more to do with ourselves than those who we feel we have harmed. Guilt is often a self-created reminder of all the things we wish we had done differently for ourselves.
In realizing that it’s in large part about us, it’s a lot easier to let it go.
I no longer allow guilt to have power in my life, and in doing so, I can experience the fullness of life and the precious time I have with everyone I love. No matter what you feel guilty about, you deserve that too.
About Karen Lang
Karen Lang is a mother of two beautiful girls, a Reiki Therapist, and Shamanic Healer. Her passion is to walk with others on their journey and to share with them the knowledge and experience that she's learned on hers. If you would like to book a healing session, visit shamanismandhealing.wordpress.com/.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
HI Karen, thank you for sharing this incredibly powerful story with us and how you dealt with guilt from such a tragic situation. And how we can overcome this all-consuming guilt in our lives from not only death of loved ones but from every past circumstances. We never accept things as they are – always wishing something could have been different or we could have done more. When we don’t forgive and don’t release ourselves of the guilt, we just tend to replay the pain over and over in our lives.
The ideas of writing things down and affirming new and positive thoughts is a great way to start reconditioning our minds. I’ve found the act of journaling and even blogging to be extremely powerful for me. Thank you again for sharing your story of loss and being a light of hope and healing for others through your writing and therapy.
I completely believing in forgiving and moving on in the life with calm and peace in mind.
Real People with Real Talks
Thank you so much, Karen, for sharing your story. I so needed to be reminded to just be and enjoy each moment for what it is, as it is much too easy to be sucked into the vacuum of “what if”. My heart breaks for your loss and I wish you and your family peace. Know that the net of all that is still holds all of you.
Hi Karen! Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am so sorry to hear about your son. Since he is no longer here, you have to live your life to the fullest, in his honor. My mentor has taught me there is no reason to look back, we can’t change the past. It’s like looking back at a different life. We have to move forward. All we have is right now. Make the best of it. You are a very strong woman and I respect it. You are helping others because of your experience and what you went through. Take care and keep inspiring. You never know who needs to hear it. <3
Thank you so much for sharing this. What a beautiful process you wrote about here. How can others help someone grieving the loss of a child? What is it the parent needs/wants? I don’t know what to do for someone close to me that lost a child.
This is such a powerful story. I can’t imagine going through this, but you have truly come out of it in a new way. I have carried my own burdens for a long time and I punished myself for them. It’s interesting how we never feel as if we deserve forgiveness. That’s tough. Thank you for sharing, it’s a reminder that our struggles are not the end of us, but a chance to forgive and create new beginnings.
Hi Karen, Thank you for sharing this very powerful and personal story! You are loved, so very, very loved!!!
Thank you so much for sharing, awsome post, God bless you!
Hi Karen. Thanks for your story and wise advice. My son died of SIDS 25 years ago so I can say that I understand some of your story in a very personal way. It is a long recovery from grief and guilt. Your post will be helpful to many who are struggling with these emotions.
Tony
Thanks Vishnu for your positive feedback.
Im sorry for your loss Tony. Recovery is a journey and I appreciate your thoughts.
Many thanks
Karen
Thanks Hector! I appreciate your comment.
Karen
Thanks Sarah, what a beautiful comment!
Karen
Thanks Mariel for your comment. It is hard to believe our struggles are not the end of us at times, and yet there is always hope when we change the way we think.
Im glad you were able to work through your burdens. I wish you many blessings.
Karen
I suppose after enough time beating one’s self up- we have to (hopefully) recognize or remember that life is finite..it has a beginning, a middle and an end..and giving up your life to guilt- just wastes what precious time you have left on this planet. In some way I like to believe that your son- as in the case of anyone who passes on that is near and dear to us, would NOT want you to suffer guilt over his untimely passing. Healing is hard work- but it can happen. We may never be “the same” as before- but how could we anyway? Its good to know you came to terms with what happened. Bless your soul. And his.
Thankyou Esther. You sound like a wonderful friend. Sometimes the parents dont know what they want either, but when you are there for them to listen, to hug and even cry with them, it means are great deal. If you like, you can visit my blog and read my full story about what things helped us as parents.
Many thanks
Karen
https://shamanismandhealing.wordpress.com/about/
Thanks so much for your comment. You sound like you have a great mentor and you are right, “We only have right now”.
Karen
Thanks Beth for your comment, we all need to be reminded to enjoy each moment and remember how precious our life is! I appreciate your kind words.
Karen
Thanks JK for your well written comment, it’s very true.
Life does feels lighter now that I have let go of my guilt and I know I live more fully because of it.
Karen
What a touching story. It gripped my heart. I suffer from regret and guilt and Pema chodron’s ‘When Things Fall Apart’ has been the only thing that has helped me to come to terms with my feelings – the acknowledgement to not take the present moment and everything in it for granted has been my lesson. At times it still isn’t enough and this post provided some comfort in reading about how to find strength and healing when it seems impossible. Thank goodness for reiki healers and the like. I myself know that finding healing support has been a godsend. Thank you for sharing your story. Sending you healing energy.
Thank you for sharing your feelings, Karen. I could feel your pain so much.. I have a spirited toddler who never listens and I wish he was a docile boy who did. Its so amazing to hear how well u dealt with your guilt. God bless you and god bless his soul. Thank you for being such an inspiration.
Loves,
Pia
Thankyou Pia for your kind words. Enjoy those beautiful years with your son, time will pass quickly and before you know it he will be all grown up and independent!
Karen
Thankyou Ellie for sharing. Your book sounds very interesting and I am glad it has helped you work through your regret. It is a process that takes patience and time so be kind to yourself.
Karen
Thank you for sharing your story, being open, authentic! Within this beautiful message, you state great tips, and points!! 🙂 One of my favorite points is “Forgiveness means letting go and releasing the heaviness and the old story we have told ourselves. Forgiveness allows us see the truth and release the past. It’s hard to forgive yourself and accept that you deserve it, but holding onto your guilt only creates pain.” Powerful!
Wow, that’s a pretty powerful message bearing in mind the circumstances that you wrote about. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks John, I appreciate your comment.
Kaen
Thankyou for positive feedback, I appreciate it.
Karen
Thank you for this article. I’m going through some guilt trip myself, and am unable to stop thinking of what I could have done differently..the if only and I should have’s are consuming me. I’ll try to take the steps mentioned and overcome my negative feelings.
Karen, thank you for this amazing baring of your soul. I’m glad you are at peace and know, as you are enveloped in your son’s spirit, what an amazing mom you were and are. All best to you and your family.
what do mean ask for forgiveness. if you didn’t do anything wrong why should you ask for forgiveness
Thank you so much for writing this. I have been hit with a deep depression, and finally spoke to my husband about it. One of the things that haunts me, especially during these bouts of depression, is the death of my son. His story is a sad one, and I did a lot of terrible things before his death. I have a lot of guilt and pain and am so frustrated. I don’t know how to let it go. I don’t know what to do. I just want to move on, but don’t know what steps to take to get there. Reading your tips have helped, and I will try my best to follow them! I am sorry to hear about your child, that is such a tragic thing to experience. Thanks for sharing your pain and your wisdom with the rest of us! Many blessings, Viktoria.
Hi Viktoria,
I am so sorry for your loss and I completely understand your guilt and pain. There will be a time when you can forgive yourself and as difficult as it seems right now, I never found sitting in my guilt and pain ever helped me move forward.
I encourage you to seek healing from a trained therapist who understands this type of emotional pain and grief and to learn to be kind to yourself.
We all make mistakes in life and we all fall short as parents too, but we must keep going forward for those who are still here and who love us deeply. It is the gift to give back to your son as well. I wish you much strength and courage as you walk this journey.
Hi tg
I had to forgive myself for the guilt that I held. I kept punishing myself for all the things that I felt I didnt do for my son. It was a heavy load to carry and letting go was very healing.
Thank you Karen… This article helped some. I’m still very much in the process, but things are starting to get better.
Hi Karen,
Your story had me in bits. You really are an amazing person and rightly should release the horrific guilt you felt. I’m really struggling with the guilt of an emotional affair for 6 months. This was 5 weeks ago when my wife confronted me. I want nothing more but to make amends for the selfishness I have shown and disrespect to my wife. We are seeking therapy as a couple but it’s very hard as we try to function normally but then the hurt hits my wife and anger returns. The guilt I feel I know is selfish and I want to rebuild our marriage more than anything. I know I can’t change the past but I want the chance to shape the future. I’ll try to use some of your tips and guidance even though I don’t feel I deserve to be free of my guilt.
Chene2
Wow. As a mother, your personal story hit me so hard. My oldest child often asks for more than I can or am willing to give, for various reasons on both our parts. As a mother yourself, you can understand the mental tug-of-war between a child’s requests and a mother’s responsibilities. I try not to let mom guilt get the best of me and use tomorrow to make things right again. Thank you for sharing your story and your message. http://bit.ly/lmaxguilt
Oh My I Needed This Post.. Sorry About Your Son.. But He Is In A Better Place Than Us All Who Are Still Breathing On Earth.. I Love How You Didn’t Leave Out The Truth About How You Felt.. And Why You Felt That Way.. We Linger On Soooooo Much.. That We Talk About Yesterday Like Its Cool.. I’m Going On 24 And I Have To Say.. I Try And Teach My Generation That A Peace Of Mind Is Way More Worthy Than Money.. Materialistic Things.. Etc. We Dwell On Nothing Just About.. Time Is What We Can’t Get Back.. Along With People.. Thanks Again.. I Dried My Tears.. And I’m Feeling Better About Tomorrow.. And The Days To Come.. God Bless Karen.. Stay Strong For Your Son.. Please.. <3
This is very beautiful, thank you for sharing the gift of your story, love and experience with all of us.
Thankyou Jill.
Everyone deserves to be free of their guilt. Only you can set yourself free from this, no amount of forgiveness or empathy will shift this for us. I hope there is healing and peace for your marriage and future. Thankyou Chene.
I Just came across this and it’s exactly what I’ve been needing. I’ve been carrying around guilt and grief for so many years now. The visualization you described finally helped me make peace with the past. I really just can’t thank you enough. I know it’s not all going to go away immediately, but I do feel more equipped to come to terms with it. Thank you.
My heart goes out to you, Mama Bear. <3
I feel like I can’t ever let go, constant thoughts of wanting to go back because I know I could’ve done better, not have disappointed people, it kills me everyday and it sucks because I feel like no one understands me, it’s like my whole life I haven’t really felt true happiness or have forgot about it and I hate this feeling. I just want to find myself and be happy. For once…