“Stay away from what might have been and look at what will be.” ~Marsha Petrie Sue
In my mere thirty years on this planet, I have had lots of boyfriends. Lots—hundreds. First one: Pat McGovern, first grade. We were in different classrooms, but we each took a casual stroll to the bathrooms at the same time. He leaned his three-foot-two body against the pink tiled wall and waited for me to walk by.
Then, just at the perfect moment, he told me I looked smashing. (It was picture day, so I was slinging the old A game.) This was the first of many cheesy pick-up lines thrown at me from men leaning against walls, and I ate it up like Haagen-Dazs.
Days later we were kissing under the slide at recess. That was my dating heyday, when relationships were easy. First: attraction. Then: coloring. Then: birthday parties, moms getting friendly on field trips, maybe some conversation about how the Stegosaurus was a vegetarian. And then: onto the next.
Now it goes more like: attraction, fun times and laughter, imagining future together that is bright and perfect, time passes, perfect future slightly mired by his pot smoking and video games, six months pass, finally decide that future together indeed looks horrible, snoring no longer deemed “cute,” “break” requested, awkward friend period, mutual disgust.
And repeat. And repeat again. And repeat again until you have had so many relationships that the index card holder you got as a teenager to record all your relationships won’t close anymore. (Yes, I record them all. Big fan of data entry.)
And what happens to all those men busting out of your relationship box? They’re all still out there. And they’ve moved on. And they have wives and kids and they are much, much happier without your constant requests for compromise or time alone to write blog entries. (Yes, I’m using the universal “you,” but this is obviously all about me, my friend.)
There’s always been some selfish part of me that has wished those exes wouldn’t move on.
I’ve caught myself hoping they would freeze in Ex-land, waiting for me just in case I’d made an awful mistake by ending things.
In the past, I’ve heard about an ex getting married or having four kids, and I’ve cringed and perhaps had a snifter of wine, thinking “What if that was supposed to be me?”
I could have a house and kids by now. I could be “settled” into a comfortable life right now. What was I thinking? What if I made a mistake?
It’s interesting to note that the act of settling down has the word “settle” in it.
I recently had my astrological chart read, and the kind astrologer told me I need to “grow up and throw out my idealism.” She also told me I need to dress in a more mature fashion. She acted like it’s not cool to wear stained sweats all the time.
I get that there isn’t a man out there who is perfect. You can stop reminding me. Mom, I get it. Many people encourage me to settle, and that’s very thoughtful of them. But it’s not like I’m going around saying, “Oh, Lord, that guy eats oatmeal with his left hand. The horror! Get him out of here at once!”
It’s more about how he wears his jeans or what brand of knives he uses. No! Not that either. Seriously, it all comes down to his credit score. No, not that either.
What’s going on is that I’m learning valuable lessons from each man about what I want in a relationship and how I want to show up in one. Each experience is making me better for the final taker.
Based on my box of index cards, I have learned a lot. I am a relationship pro. I could write a relationship book. On index cards.
The other day I saw a picture of my 2006 live-in boyfriend. We had been on the road to Serious Town not that long ago, and now he’s smiling in a Facebook photo with his mom (who I loved), his wife, and his new baby boy.
This time, instead of feeling that well-known anxiety, all I felt was relief. The relief of one millions sighs, so happy that it wasn’t me in that picture. I learned a lot in that relationship (including that I don’t want my partner to talk on the phone during the entirety of my grandmother’s funeral), and I’m confident that it’s not supposed to be me in that picture.
So, there’s a moral here: People come into our lives to teach us something. People come and people go and people make a difference. And it’s okay that they’re not in our lives anymore.
It feels weird to be imagining a future together one year and then well-wishing a few years later, but that’s exactly how it’s supposed to be. And I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. We all are.
Photo by ilhan gendron
About Laurenne Sala
Laurenne Sala leads writing therapy workshops and speaks about vulnerability. You can find her at laurennesalabooks.com or through her show at tabootales.org. Her first picture book is out in March: YouMadeMeAMother.com You can also see juicy anonymous secrets on Instagram at @TabooTales. She thinks parrots are gay pigeons.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Thank you for this one.
What a hilarious way of telling bitter truth !
Great post!! I love that you were able to speak honestly and made me laugh!! It’s a hard truth to have someone close and then have them leave your life – but so true that they lead you on to the next part of your life.
Thank you for this post. I felt like I was ready my own life. 15 months ago I was imagining a future with a man, the first man I had fallen in love with in over 20 years. 2 weeks ago he married another woman. He and our mutual friends have all taken the stance I am heart broken over this, and initially I thought I was. Yet, upon further examination, what I really felt was relief that it wasnt me he had wanted to marry. I realized for the last year, I have felt nothing but relief that he hadn’t wanted me and instead I have felt gratitude that he came into my life and taught me so much about myself. About what I really wanted and that I had kept getting in my own way in the things I wanted. He has taught me more about myself in the last year than I had learned in the first 40 plus years of my life. I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.
Thanks for that post it allow me to know that same reality . That he was not suppose to go on with me. My journey began when i said bye a long time ago. but i wanted to whole on to the past.He was only in my life for a short period of time. I thank u for this article. because it make it just that much easier that i am not alone. But i do not have to feel like i belong in that picture that is taken with him and his new girlfriend. I felt he taught me to alot about myself and for that . My next relationship will be better because of him. I feel that experiences is a teacher. Much love to u in the truth about love, and how u can move on without your ex’s
Thank you! I am reluctant to ‘release’ connections so instead of index cards, I still had each “ex” in my life…foibles and all. Until recently when I realized I could incorporate the experiences and lessons with each and feel the gratitude..and *move on*. That is the piece I was missing–by continuing to invest bits of energy into each, I was in a sense investing in a compromise and not entirely “free” for the next relationship.
I love this moral and will use it as an affirmation: “People come into our lives to teach us
something. People come and people go and people make a difference. And
it’s okay that they’re not in our lives anymore.”
Based on your observations of relationships and that they and you may change…what makes you think/hope there is a “final taker”?
Damiana in Idaho
nice post and I’m glad you finally found your inner peace, but i have a question. I also have dated lots of people, fell in love 4-5 times. I used to think just like you do -that the ultimate final taker is waiting for me- until I realize (-after staying ALONE for a long time) there is no final taker unless you create one. I’d like to ask you what did you really learn from all these relationships?
AMEN! I have had a similar realization myself not too long ago as I prepared to let go of my 13 year marriage to someone I couldn’t imagine my future without not even a few months ago…people do come in and out of your life and it is only our ego and idealism that makes us believe they will be there forever because we cannot accept the fact that all we do and pour into these relationships may not amount to anything else but a life lesson…
Love reading your posts in my inbox. Always find something to relate to…please keep them coming 🙂
K
So well written and so true. I think about this with friends too — while romantic relations are a certain type and you lean certain things I think with any type of relationship with people in which you go your separate ways there are reasons and truth underlying the parting. Whatever the reasons, all you can do is hope that you grew in the process and see the silverlining that you’re just not supposed to have a life that involves each other in the way you did before. Things will work out as they should. Thanks for this piece!
HI Laurenne!!
I felt so good after reading this post, i feel totally realted, and today I needed to read that ” People come into our lives to teach us something. People come and people go and people make a difference. And it’s okay that they’re not in our lives anymore”
It is so true!!!
thank you very much I`ll try to have that as a mantra!! 🙂
Love and big hug!!!
Tatiana
I hope to feel the same, “I am were I’m suppose to be”. My on-off again relationship of 5 years ended for good a month ago. I moved back home with my parents and I feel lost and sad. I know he loves me and I know I love him, but I realize love is not always enough. We have different core values and I can’t seem to get over my flaws.
Ahhh… touché!
“Learning from the relationships that didn’t work out.” Though it seems they always work out just as they should.
this (meaning everything has a lesson) is how i take all the hardships in life and i think its a valuable lesson. well said!!
I can totally relate! Your humor matched with gut wrenching honesty makes me want to read everything else you wrote. We always try to hide the ugly parts (the selfish part not wanting exes to move on) but that’s what everyone can relate to. At least I did, anyway. Thanks.
I have taken a different route. I have been married three times and have amazing children. I have always believed that we live too long and grow too much, making it very difficult to love and remain happy with one person for a lifetime. Ideally I would live on a peaceful piece of land with my love next door in his/her own space. We would visit each other as desired, yet have freedom to continue to explore our own passions when they don’t mesh. Each wedding and time spent as a family was amazing. Then they ended and a time of solitude and rediscovery of myself was enjoyed. I look forward to the next “falling in love” and who knows maybe It will be for the remainder of my days.
I haven’t had that many relationships… I’ve only had two, but they were what I would consider serious relationships. With my first boyfriend, I ended things because he was too possessive and controlling, so it was easy to realize that I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life feeling like I couldn’t do anything without his permission. With my second boyfriend (let me tell you that I dated him for a shorter time than the first one), I came to think for some time that he was THE ONE. It’s funny because my family is a very close one and no one in my family liked him and they all wished I would just end things with him, but somehow in my mind I thought that he was what I wanted for the rest of my life… until he broke up with me… for the stupidest reasons ever. It wasn’t because I’m a little bit crazy, or because I became furious everytime he told me he had talked to his exes, or because he just didn’t love me anymore. He told me that he couldn’t be with me because of the issues in my family, because of the fact that I dropped out of school for a year to work, or because, according to him, I had to be religious (he wasn’t at all). So, at first, I was devastated, and I thought that what had happened was the worst thing that could ever happen to me. Turns out, it could be worse: he kept on calling me while making it public that he was dating someone else after just two weeks of breaking up. Imagine how I felt!! I felt hopeless, like I would never be able to find someone else ever again.
But, with time, I started realizing that things happen for a reason. I had stopped loving myself and respecting myself long ago, so I would tolerate disrespectful comments from him, and I would tolerate getting stood up for dates, and I would tolerate him trashing all my friends and some family members. When I started noticing that I felt more liberated being without him than being with him, I realized that he was in my life just to teach me a lesson, a very important one: I cannot, I must not, let ANYONE make me second guess myself. I can’t allow someone else to tell me that I’m not good enough for them. I can’t compromise my beliefs and my moral just to please someone who has a wrong sense of right and wrong and I must always love myself and believe in myself.
Currently, I’m single, but I’m happier than I have ever been with someone else, because I know now, that in order to be in a new relationship there has to be respect, both ways. So, in the end, I thank that jerk of an ex-boyfriend, for teaching me the most valuable lesson, and even though it hurt a lot, it taught me more than the pain I felt.
I’m surprised that here, on Tiny Buddha, your thoughts still turn to the idea that you’re still waiting for ‘the right’ one to come along- as you say, “the final taker”.
What if your life was just fine without a mate? Sounds like you could use a break from dating. Break free from the codependent loops for a while and gain some perspective.
That way on your death bed, if there isn’t a ring on your left ring finger, maybe you won’t feel like a failure.
I saw the move Hope Floats with Sandra Bullock recently. Her mother at one point says to her ” you think behind every chance there is another chance, and another oneIt’s the worse kind of extravegance the way you spend your chances.”
I love the timing of this. I literally was out running an errand and was pondering how to really say good bye to someone. It was not a romantic relationship but a business partnership. It ended a year ago and I have had trouble moving on. I do not want to be back at the business even though it would mean I would have an income. I have trouble in not having the last word or closure. The partnership was abusive to say the least and I was always treated like a 2nd class person and then chatised because I wasn’t happy. I just have an overwhelming feeling that I must disclose how I really felt to him in order to move on. Undecided…..
Sigh. I’m tired of “learning” about myself from past relationships. Now, I just want to put what I’ve learned into practice by being in a healthy meaningful relationship. Easier said than done.
Happy New Year, Laurie! May Love, light, peace, joy, well-being and great abundance fill your year and heart throughout the new year and always! Thank you for all you have given to enlighten and educate your readers from your heart and soul! ~ Sarah Woolley
Thanks so much Sarah! I actually didn’t write this particular post–it’s from a contributor named Laurenne Sala. I really enjoyed her insights on relationships! Wishing you a healthy, happy 2012. =)
I loved your post Laurenne, and I totally agree about the not settling part. At about 30 I did exactly that. I have two great kids to show for it, but the marriage turned into a disaster. I don’t regret it, since I learned a lot from the relationship. The most important thing I took away from the experience was that I’ll never settle again. I’m worth being with the man who is near perfect for me. And you are too.
I thought this was a great read. Well written, humorous, and entertaining. You definitely have a way with words but I must say that despite truly enjoying your writing style, I couldn’t agree less with the content. An article like this is more for yourself then any theoretical reader. By putting it ‘on paper’ you’re hoping to rationalize and justify your past failures. You didn’t “happen to see” a pic of your ex. You went to his Facebook page and you undoubtedly felt sad upon seeing the pic. I’m talking about that first, primal reaction….not how you later used your obvious intelligence and schooling to re-frame the feelings into a more “appropriate”, empowering, response. Like a previous commenter noted, what have you truly learned from all these experiences other then you, and others, change? You simply cannot note an ex talking on the phone during a funeral as a “lesson learned”. Did you truly need to experience that personally to know you wouldn’t care for it? I believe it’s human nature to try and rationalize, or justify our actions, short-comings, and failures. All that said, you are wonderful with words, and have an imaginative, alluring way of capturing complex experiences on paper. Enjoyed the article and I’d love to read more
Laurenne,
Great article to share with our youth!
So many times young women (and men too) get so hot and heavy in relationships and think “this is the one” and “there HAS to be someone out there that gets me”, and yet they wonder why relationships aren’t working.
The key is know thyself.
Like Carl Jung said…”Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”
Thanks for the great post.
i love getting your emails they always seem so relevant to me today i was bemoaning the loss of another relationship loss but it reminded me off all the reasons he wasnt the right one and i feel soooo much better and clearer now thanks
I had a lot of boyfriends and girlfriends growing up. Now I’m married with two children, and I’ve been monogamous and committed to my partner about thirteen years. Others might view this as “settled”, but that word often seems reductive to me. I experience more joy and more personal growth every day. I’d like to hope that, were I single and/or did I not have children, I’d be experiencing the same joy and serenity and excitement. I simply don’t know though, as I’m not living that path.
There is a great pressure to find love and happiness and a mate… but there’s also a cultural narrative that implies that marriage/long term partnership is BORING. I think both these concepts are a shame, and interfere with people living happily, constructively, and with as little self-absorption as possible.
I have to agree. There is a lot of sarcasm here to mask the bitterness that obviously wants to surface.
Truth Hurts, I am a bit of the same thinking as you on this one. The lessons needed to have been learned here may not have even been touched on in the article. Or even realised by the author.
The thing that jumped out at me most was at the very beginning of the article. I am wondering what insecurities already exist in a child in the first grade that has them seeking out somewhat grown up relationships with another child of the opposite sex. I have witnessed this before in young children and I have often wondered where they get the example that boyfriend / girlfriend kissing relationships are normal at such a young age. Most of the time I have noticed that the parents of these children seem to encourage this behaviour.
This leads me to believe that these children have been nurtured to think the such relationships are the be all and end all of what life is all about. Therefore it is essential that they be involved in relationships like this to the point of where the relationship is more important than the person they get into it with. Kind of like the young women who from a young age fantasises about her own wedding to the point that the wedding details become more important the choosing the right person.
I read this article hoping it would be good for my son who recently had his first sad relationship break-up but I don’t think it sends the message that I think he needed.
Wow! What a mix of opinions on this one! The point is that I have learned from every relationship I’ve had, and I think that’s valid. If I had explained every lesson, we’d be here for a while, but I can try to sum it up if it helps.
I definitely learned early on to be co-dependent, to give myself entirely and sacrifice my needs in order to keep a relationship.
With each relationship I’ve had, I’ve become more and more aware of this pattern. It’s taken me 30 years to finally learn how to voice my own needs and let them be just as important as my partner’s needs (this goes for romantic relationships and others).
In response to the reader ‘truth hurts,’ the man who was talking on the phone during my grandmother’s funeral really ordered me around. And I took it! I signed up for an improv class and he said I couldn’t take it. When he was talking on the phone, I didn’t say anything to him about it. I didn’t want him to leave me, so I squelched all my needs, often crying in the bathroom and doubling over in anxiety.
So… YES! I am glad that I am not in that picture with him. And if I did look for it on Facebook, maybe it was just to remind myself how far I’ve come!
It’s FAR! And for that I am very proud of myself.
I get that a lot. I often write about suicide from a humorous point of view as well, and people tell me that my jokes are masking the pain of my father’s own suicide. But, nope! Of course the suicide is painful, as have been many of my relationships, but I use jokes as a way to reach a larger audience who would never normally read about these things.
Or maybe I am a bitter person who wants a relationship so badly that I am looking up ex-boyfriend’s photos on facebook and cursing the Gods for not giving me my perfect wedding yet…
I’m gonna go with the former. But you can think the latter. I’ll be okay either way.
Thanks for all your comments. I commented on my lessons learned below!
You are totally right! We are all exactly where we are supposed to be! Good for you. Great awareness. Thank you for sharing your story.
Thanks for reading! I really appreciate your comment. Hopefully we all grow in the process even if we don’t notice it right away. And even if it hurts.
YES!!! this is amazing to hear. I was also one of those people who was friends with all my exes too for a while. But, you are so right about the energy given away when that happens. It can be invested back into ourselves or saved for the next one. We and our next partners deserve it!
Isn’t it so funny how plans work? Every time I find my ego with a concrete ‘perfect’ future plan, the Universe laughs at me and slices it in half!
Yay! I’m so glad you’re out there and reading.
Double touche!
Aw! Thanks for sharing this. I understand the lost/sad feeling after a relationship freshly breaks. It’s hard to wipe the slate clean. But what flaws do you have!? No such thing! Just parts of yourself from which you can learn. Or perhaps your ex sees them as flaws but the next will accept you unconditionally. You deserve that.
me too! Good on you. As that other reader said… it wasn’t that these relationships didn’t work out– they worked out just perfectly.
Aw thank you so much! Wait, did I admit to not wanting exes to move on? Oh shoot, I better go edit that.
Maybe there’s not one final taker! I would enjoy several. Why not? And I absolutely agree to your vision of living next door on an island. That’s MY DREAM for sure! As long as there are lots of cuddling options at night.
Oooh! That’s a very valuable learning experience. Thank you for sharing it. Only you know the answer. In my school for spiritual psychology, they have us write letters in situations like this. We get all of our feelings out first, and then we can decide whether or not to send them. Sometimes it feels just as good to write it and the sending becomes unnecessary.
Ha! I say let’s spend our chances extravagantly!
Wow what a popular post! So honest, witty, and disarming. I think the commenters are
a being a bit harsh toward the author who has chosen to be so
vulnerable. And in their defense, I think they’re trying to help. I believe modern-day dating is inherently flawed. But taking into account that it is the norm, it is essential that one learns from it. But what are we learning really? I think we should dig deeper. Every person is different from the next. And every relationship will offer different challenges. Each experience really isn’t improving us for “the one”. It’s just making it easier and more likely for us to break up with the next. I’m sorry if I sound all preachy or what not. I respect and admire you from what I’ve learned about you through this article and your website. You really are a treasure and I hope the best for you! Thanks for the post!
Thank you! We are worth it. Absolutely.
I love that quote! Thank you.
I think your type of ‘setting’ sounds absolutely beautiful, and I commend you for finding a partner with whom you can spend a delightful thirteen years.