“Stay away from what might have been and look at what will be.” ~Marsha Petrie Sue
In my mere thirty years on this planet, I have had lots of boyfriends. Lots—hundreds. First one: Pat McGovern, first grade. We were in different classrooms, but we each took a casual stroll to the bathrooms at the same time. He leaned his three-foot-two body against the pink tiled wall and waited for me to walk by.
Then, just at the perfect moment, he told me I looked smashing. (It was picture day, so I was slinging the old A game.) This was the first of many cheesy pick-up lines thrown at me from men leaning against walls, and I ate it up like Haagen-Dazs.
Days later we were kissing under the slide at recess. That was my dating heyday, when relationships were easy. First: attraction. Then: coloring. Then: birthday parties, moms getting friendly on field trips, maybe some conversation about how the Stegosaurus was a vegetarian. And then: onto the next.
Now it goes more like: attraction, fun times and laughter, imagining future together that is bright and perfect, time passes, perfect future slightly mired by his pot smoking and video games, six months pass, finally decide that future together indeed looks horrible, snoring no longer deemed “cute,” “break” requested, awkward friend period, mutual disgust.
And repeat. And repeat again. And repeat again until you have had so many relationships that the index card holder you got as a teenager to record all your relationships won’t close anymore. (Yes, I record them all. Big fan of data entry.)
And what happens to all those men busting out of your relationship box? They’re all still out there. And they’ve moved on. And they have wives and kids and they are much, much happier without your constant requests for compromise or time alone to write blog entries. (Yes, I’m using the universal “you,” but this is obviously all about me, my friend.)
There’s always been some selfish part of me that has wished those exes wouldn’t move on.
I’ve caught myself hoping they would freeze in Ex-land, waiting for me just in case I’d made an awful mistake by ending things.
In the past, I’ve heard about an ex getting married or having four kids, and I’ve cringed and perhaps had a snifter of wine, thinking “What if that was supposed to be me?”
I could have a house and kids by now. I could be “settled” into a comfortable life right now. What was I thinking? What if I made a mistake?
It’s interesting to note that the act of settling down has the word “settle” in it.
I recently had my astrological chart read, and the kind astrologer told me I need to “grow up and throw out my idealism.” She also told me I need to dress in a more mature fashion. She acted like it’s not cool to wear stained sweats all the time.
I get that there isn’t a man out there who is perfect. You can stop reminding me. Mom, I get it. Many people encourage me to settle, and that’s very thoughtful of them. But it’s not like I’m going around saying, “Oh, Lord, that guy eats oatmeal with his left hand. The horror! Get him out of here at once!”
It’s more about how he wears his jeans or what brand of knives he uses. No! Not that either. Seriously, it all comes down to his credit score. No, not that either.
What’s going on is that I’m learning valuable lessons from each man about what I want in a relationship and how I want to show up in one. Each experience is making me better for the final taker.
Based on my box of index cards, I have learned a lot. I am a relationship pro. I could write a relationship book. On index cards.
The other day I saw a picture of my 2006 live-in boyfriend. We had been on the road to Serious Town not that long ago, and now he’s smiling in a Facebook photo with his mom (who I loved), his wife, and his new baby boy.
This time, instead of feeling that well-known anxiety, all I felt was relief. The relief of one millions sighs, so happy that it wasn’t me in that picture. I learned a lot in that relationship (including that I don’t want my partner to talk on the phone during the entirety of my grandmother’s funeral), and I’m confident that it’s not supposed to be me in that picture.
So, there’s a moral here: People come into our lives to teach us something. People come and people go and people make a difference. And it’s okay that they’re not in our lives anymore.
It feels weird to be imagining a future together one year and then well-wishing a few years later, but that’s exactly how it’s supposed to be. And I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. We all are.
Photo by ilhan gendron
About Laurenne Sala
Laurenne Sala leads writing therapy workshops and speaks about vulnerability. You can find her at laurennesalabooks.com or through her show at tabootales.org. Her first picture book is out in March: YouMadeMeAMother.com You can also see juicy anonymous secrets on Instagram at @TabooTales. She thinks parrots are gay pigeons.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
Thank you for this one.
What a hilarious way of telling bitter truth !
Great post!! I love that you were able to speak honestly and made me laugh!! It’s a hard truth to have someone close and then have them leave your life – but so true that they lead you on to the next part of your life.
Thank you for this post. I felt like I was ready my own life. 15 months ago I was imagining a future with a man, the first man I had fallen in love with in over 20 years. 2 weeks ago he married another woman. He and our mutual friends have all taken the stance I am heart broken over this, and initially I thought I was. Yet, upon further examination, what I really felt was relief that it wasnt me he had wanted to marry. I realized for the last year, I have felt nothing but relief that he hadn’t wanted me and instead I have felt gratitude that he came into my life and taught me so much about myself. About what I really wanted and that I had kept getting in my own way in the things I wanted. He has taught me more about myself in the last year than I had learned in the first 40 plus years of my life. I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.
You are totally right! We are all exactly where we are supposed to be! Good for you. Great awareness. Thank you for sharing your story.
Thanks for that post it allow me to know that same reality . That he was not suppose to go on with me. My journey began when i said bye a long time ago. but i wanted to whole on to the past.He was only in my life for a short period of time. I thank u for this article. because it make it just that much easier that i am not alone. But i do not have to feel like i belong in that picture that is taken with him and his new girlfriend. I felt he taught me to alot about myself and for that . My next relationship will be better because of him. I feel that experiences is a teacher. Much love to u in the truth about love, and how u can move on without your ex’s
Thank you! I am reluctant to ‘release’ connections so instead of index cards, I still had each “ex” in my life…foibles and all. Until recently when I realized I could incorporate the experiences and lessons with each and feel the gratitude..and *move on*. That is the piece I was missing–by continuing to invest bits of energy into each, I was in a sense investing in a compromise and not entirely “free” for the next relationship.
I love this moral and will use it as an affirmation: “People come into our lives to teach us
something. People come and people go and people make a difference. And
it’s okay that they’re not in our lives anymore.”
YES!!! this is amazing to hear. I was also one of those people who was friends with all my exes too for a while. But, you are so right about the energy given away when that happens. It can be invested back into ourselves or saved for the next one. We and our next partners deserve it!
Great article! It’s very inspiring to say the least. I felt as though you could’ve been writing my story to some extent. For almost 10 years, I’ve made dating a full time job–meeting people through online dating, friends, jobs, random encounters. I’ve certainly dated people when I “least expected it” and “wasn’t looking.” I’ve gone beyond my “type” and lofty expectations, and dated variously if I got a good feeling about the situation. I’ve also had a pretty busy and accomplished life for a working artist (I’m a published author/teacher) at 27. I take care of my body and looks, have great friends and am close to my family. And yet every relationship/dating experience I encounter is a painful disaster. I’ve arrived at the point where the thought of dating makes me sick, and it’s hard not to write all men off as more or less the same, selfish abusers. I know this isn’t true, but how do you revive your spirits/hope after being hurt so many, many times? I have always wanted a life partner, and I know I have a great deal to offer a man. But dating doesn’t seem worth the effort anymore, not when all you receive is pain, after giving so much positivity, love and passion. It’s so hard to keep trying. Congrats to all of you lucky folks who have found that person, and don’t ever stop being grateful.
Based on your observations of relationships and that they and you may change…what makes you think/hope there is a “final taker”?
Damiana in Idaho
Hope! But if there isn’t one, I will be okay with that too.
nice post and I’m glad you finally found your inner peace, but i have a question. I also have dated lots of people, fell in love 4-5 times. I used to think just like you do -that the ultimate final taker is waiting for me- until I realize (-after staying ALONE for a long time) there is no final taker unless you create one. I’d like to ask you what did you really learn from all these relationships?
I agree 100%!
I think that I needed all those relationships to finally feel ready to have a healthy one. I think each relationship taught me to stand up for myself a little more, to love myself a little more. To be codependent a little less. And only now do I feel like I am ready for a truly healthy relationship. And I can use my new way of being to accept myself and another unconditionally or I can choose to remain alone. My goal is to be a loving being either way.
AMEN! I have had a similar realization myself not too long ago as I prepared to let go of my 13 year marriage to someone I couldn’t imagine my future without not even a few months ago…people do come in and out of your life and it is only our ego and idealism that makes us believe they will be there forever because we cannot accept the fact that all we do and pour into these relationships may not amount to anything else but a life lesson…
Love reading your posts in my inbox. Always find something to relate to…please keep them coming 🙂
K
Isn’t it so funny how plans work? Every time I find my ego with a concrete ‘perfect’ future plan, the Universe laughs at me and slices it in half!
So well written and so true. I think about this with friends too — while romantic relations are a certain type and you lean certain things I think with any type of relationship with people in which you go your separate ways there are reasons and truth underlying the parting. Whatever the reasons, all you can do is hope that you grew in the process and see the silverlining that you’re just not supposed to have a life that involves each other in the way you did before. Things will work out as they should. Thanks for this piece!
Thanks for reading! I really appreciate your comment. Hopefully we all grow in the process even if we don’t notice it right away. And even if it hurts.
HI Laurenne!!
I felt so good after reading this post, i feel totally realted, and today I needed to read that ” People come into our lives to teach us something. People come and people go and people make a difference. And it’s okay that they’re not in our lives anymore”
It is so true!!!
thank you very much I`ll try to have that as a mantra!! 🙂
Love and big hug!!!
Tatiana
Yay! I’m so glad you’re out there and reading.
I hope to feel the same, “I am were I’m suppose to be”. My on-off again relationship of 5 years ended for good a month ago. I moved back home with my parents and I feel lost and sad. I know he loves me and I know I love him, but I realize love is not always enough. We have different core values and I can’t seem to get over my flaws.
Aw! Thanks for sharing this. I understand the lost/sad feeling after a relationship freshly breaks. It’s hard to wipe the slate clean. But what flaws do you have!? No such thing! Just parts of yourself from which you can learn. Or perhaps your ex sees them as flaws but the next will accept you unconditionally. You deserve that.
Ahhh… touché!
Double touche!
“Learning from the relationships that didn’t work out.” Though it seems they always work out just as they should.
this (meaning everything has a lesson) is how i take all the hardships in life and i think its a valuable lesson. well said!!
me too! Good on you. As that other reader said… it wasn’t that these relationships didn’t work out– they worked out just perfectly.
I can totally relate! Your humor matched with gut wrenching honesty makes me want to read everything else you wrote. We always try to hide the ugly parts (the selfish part not wanting exes to move on) but that’s what everyone can relate to. At least I did, anyway. Thanks.
Aw thank you so much! Wait, did I admit to not wanting exes to move on? Oh shoot, I better go edit that.
I have taken a different route. I have been married three times and have amazing children. I have always believed that we live too long and grow too much, making it very difficult to love and remain happy with one person for a lifetime. Ideally I would live on a peaceful piece of land with my love next door in his/her own space. We would visit each other as desired, yet have freedom to continue to explore our own passions when they don’t mesh. Each wedding and time spent as a family was amazing. Then they ended and a time of solitude and rediscovery of myself was enjoyed. I look forward to the next “falling in love” and who knows maybe It will be for the remainder of my days.
Maybe there’s not one final taker! I would enjoy several. Why not? And I absolutely agree to your vision of living next door on an island. That’s MY DREAM for sure! As long as there are lots of cuddling options at night.
I haven’t had that many relationships… I’ve only had two, but they were what I would consider serious relationships. With my first boyfriend, I ended things because he was too possessive and controlling, so it was easy to realize that I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life feeling like I couldn’t do anything without his permission. With my second boyfriend (let me tell you that I dated him for a shorter time than the first one), I came to think for some time that he was THE ONE. It’s funny because my family is a very close one and no one in my family liked him and they all wished I would just end things with him, but somehow in my mind I thought that he was what I wanted for the rest of my life… until he broke up with me… for the stupidest reasons ever. It wasn’t because I’m a little bit crazy, or because I became furious everytime he told me he had talked to his exes, or because he just didn’t love me anymore. He told me that he couldn’t be with me because of the issues in my family, because of the fact that I dropped out of school for a year to work, or because, according to him, I had to be religious (he wasn’t at all). So, at first, I was devastated, and I thought that what had happened was the worst thing that could ever happen to me. Turns out, it could be worse: he kept on calling me while making it public that he was dating someone else after just two weeks of breaking up. Imagine how I felt!! I felt hopeless, like I would never be able to find someone else ever again.
But, with time, I started realizing that things happen for a reason. I had stopped loving myself and respecting myself long ago, so I would tolerate disrespectful comments from him, and I would tolerate getting stood up for dates, and I would tolerate him trashing all my friends and some family members. When I started noticing that I felt more liberated being without him than being with him, I realized that he was in my life just to teach me a lesson, a very important one: I cannot, I must not, let ANYONE make me second guess myself. I can’t allow someone else to tell me that I’m not good enough for them. I can’t compromise my beliefs and my moral just to please someone who has a wrong sense of right and wrong and I must always love myself and believe in myself.
Currently, I’m single, but I’m happier than I have ever been with someone else, because I know now, that in order to be in a new relationship there has to be respect, both ways. So, in the end, I thank that jerk of an ex-boyfriend, for teaching me the most valuable lesson, and even though it hurt a lot, it taught me more than the pain I felt.
I had a very similar experience happen this past year, self loathing and all, and trying to make myself appear “better” for him. I know many people have gone through the same thing but its comforting to read about someone else’s experience and see how closely it relates to mine. Now, I am, as you said, liberated and I am better for it because what’s worse than loving the wrong person is not loving yourself at all.
Oh boy….you said it all! Right on. We take such hits to our self-worth from these undeserving and sometimes terribly cruel jerks and once we stand back up and dust ourselves off, well….we finally see the light. The truth about ourselves and it’s really, really good. It’s amazing to me how we can let another person and only because they are of the opposite sex (our girlfriends don’t have this power over us) make us feel so insecure or weak or just really shitty about ourselves. But, like you said, once we have survived it and healed from it, look where we are! Strong, happy, healthy and with a VERY clear sense of who we are and what we are worth.
I also had a similar experience.. a month ago me and my bf broke up. The main issue is my religion. At first he told me that he wants to join me and convert, but then after 1 year and 2 months he told me he cannot accept my religion. My world was shattered into pieces, because I thought he wss the ‘one’. We have made a lot of plans, including marriage. The first two weeks was very painful. But now, I realized that I should not compromise my beliefs and morals just to please someone and stay in the relationship, and that I should not also force upon a person my own beliefs. A lesson learned in a hard way. But I am still thankful that I met him because for 1 year and 2 months I felt loved, and gave love in return.
I’m surprised that here, on Tiny Buddha, your thoughts still turn to the idea that you’re still waiting for ‘the right’ one to come along- as you say, “the final taker”.
What if your life was just fine without a mate? Sounds like you could use a break from dating. Break free from the codependent loops for a while and gain some perspective.
That way on your death bed, if there isn’t a ring on your left ring finger, maybe you won’t feel like a failure.
Working on it!
I have been reading all of these comments and this one popped up and I have to say that you said the exact thing that was bothering me when I first read the article. It is the myth that we were all brought up on. And man is it a tough one to get past. We have passed it down well also. I see it in the girls that my 17 year old hangs out with. “final taker” sounds like the last person to view your physical body when you transition 😀 I haven’t been out with a man in 5 years and they have been the most personally productive years of my life. I have realized that I might be ok without a taker, final or otherwise. Anyway, loved your comment. As well as the story. Both quite thought provoking.
I saw the move Hope Floats with Sandra Bullock recently. Her mother at one point says to her ” you think behind every chance there is another chance, and another oneIt’s the worse kind of extravegance the way you spend your chances.”
Ha! I say let’s spend our chances extravagantly!
I love the timing of this. I literally was out running an errand and was pondering how to really say good bye to someone. It was not a romantic relationship but a business partnership. It ended a year ago and I have had trouble moving on. I do not want to be back at the business even though it would mean I would have an income. I have trouble in not having the last word or closure. The partnership was abusive to say the least and I was always treated like a 2nd class person and then chatised because I wasn’t happy. I just have an overwhelming feeling that I must disclose how I really felt to him in order to move on. Undecided…..
Oooh! That’s a very valuable learning experience. Thank you for sharing it. Only you know the answer. In my school for spiritual psychology, they have us write letters in situations like this. We get all of our feelings out first, and then we can decide whether or not to send them. Sometimes it feels just as good to write it and the sending becomes unnecessary.
Sigh. I’m tired of “learning” about myself from past relationships. Now, I just want to put what I’ve learned into practice by being in a healthy meaningful relationship. Easier said than done.
ha!
Me too! Friggin’ tired of being taught a buncha lessons I honestly don’t need. But hey: finding a girl after 29 years of monogamy ain’t easy. Guess I’ll get a good nite’s sleep and try again tamale.
Happy New Year, Laurie! May Love, light, peace, joy, well-being and great abundance fill your year and heart throughout the new year and always! Thank you for all you have given to enlighten and educate your readers from your heart and soul! ~ Sarah Woolley
Thanks so much Sarah! I actually didn’t write this particular post–it’s from a contributor named Laurenne Sala. I really enjoyed her insights on relationships! Wishing you a healthy, happy 2012. =)
I loved your post Laurenne, and I totally agree about the not settling part. At about 30 I did exactly that. I have two great kids to show for it, but the marriage turned into a disaster. I don’t regret it, since I learned a lot from the relationship. The most important thing I took away from the experience was that I’ll never settle again. I’m worth being with the man who is near perfect for me. And you are too.
Thank you! We are worth it. Absolutely.
I thought this was a great read. Well written, humorous, and entertaining. You definitely have a way with words but I must say that despite truly enjoying your writing style, I couldn’t agree less with the content. An article like this is more for yourself then any theoretical reader. By putting it ‘on paper’ you’re hoping to rationalize and justify your past failures. You didn’t “happen to see” a pic of your ex. You went to his Facebook page and you undoubtedly felt sad upon seeing the pic. I’m talking about that first, primal reaction….not how you later used your obvious intelligence and schooling to re-frame the feelings into a more “appropriate”, empowering, response. Like a previous commenter noted, what have you truly learned from all these experiences other then you, and others, change? You simply cannot note an ex talking on the phone during a funeral as a “lesson learned”. Did you truly need to experience that personally to know you wouldn’t care for it? I believe it’s human nature to try and rationalize, or justify our actions, short-comings, and failures. All that said, you are wonderful with words, and have an imaginative, alluring way of capturing complex experiences on paper. Enjoyed the article and I’d love to read more
I have to agree. There is a lot of sarcasm here to mask the bitterness that obviously wants to surface.
I get that a lot. I often write about suicide from a humorous point of view as well, and people tell me that my jokes are masking the pain of my father’s own suicide. But, nope! Of course the suicide is painful, as have been many of my relationships, but I use jokes as a way to reach a larger audience who would never normally read about these things.
Or maybe I am a bitter person who wants a relationship so badly that I am looking up ex-boyfriend’s photos on facebook and cursing the Gods for not giving me my perfect wedding yet…
I’m gonna go with the former. But you can think the latter. I’ll be okay either way.
I thought everything about what you wrote was beautiful! I love hearing others stories. So what if you “wrote it for yourself”. I find that kind of writing more heart felt and I can relate your story with my story 🙂
I love your type of sarcasm, as I guess some see it. You just make light of things; I think it’s wonderful!
Love,
Sarah
Thanks, Sarah! Nice to meet you!
I’m with Bloomin. I enjoyed your style and I’m definitely one who likes the more light-hearted style of writing. Life is serious enough!
Everything happens for a reason and the Universe/God/whatever it is you believe gives you what you need at the time you need it…not when YOU think you need it. So our job is to take the experiences put before us and learn from them. This is where it’s important for us to have a POSITIVE outlook on life and look at things from that perspective instead of getting too bogged down by the negative stuff which prevents us from learning from our mistakes and moving forward to a better tomorrow.
Truth Hurts, I am a bit of the same thinking as you on this one. The lessons needed to have been learned here may not have even been touched on in the article. Or even realised by the author.
The thing that jumped out at me most was at the very beginning of the article. I am wondering what insecurities already exist in a child in the first grade that has them seeking out somewhat grown up relationships with another child of the opposite sex. I have witnessed this before in young children and I have often wondered where they get the example that boyfriend / girlfriend kissing relationships are normal at such a young age. Most of the time I have noticed that the parents of these children seem to encourage this behaviour.
This leads me to believe that these children have been nurtured to think the such relationships are the be all and end all of what life is all about. Therefore it is essential that they be involved in relationships like this to the point of where the relationship is more important than the person they get into it with. Kind of like the young women who from a young age fantasises about her own wedding to the point that the wedding details become more important the choosing the right person.
I read this article hoping it would be good for my son who recently had his first sad relationship break-up but I don’t think it sends the message that I think he needed.
Thanks for all your comments. I commented on my lessons learned below!
Whoah. Just because ‘you’ were a complete adult in the first grade doesn’t mean the author was! Altho the part about ‘hundreds’ of boyfriends is kinda ewwww.
Seriously, a mite too much diffidence in the article. For me. But I read the article….
I have learned that people who tell you that what you are feeling is different from what you tell them you are feeling lack compassion and have a whole host of their own issues. Example:
“You didn’t “happen to see” a pic of your ex. You went to his Facebook page and you undoubtedly felt sad upon seeing the pic.”
How do you know for sure that is what the author [undoubtedly] felt? You don’t.
Maybe the feelings you describe are what YOU feel in these situations, but not everyone feels the same way you do. And just because they don’t feel the way you do, does not mean they are in denial.
I found your statements to be arrogant and dismissive.
I dunno what she “felt” like. But she did choose to visit that guy’s FB page. The most important thing is to realize choices that one has made. Ixnay on eff-bee yay.
Laurenne,
Great article to share with our youth!
So many times young women (and men too) get so hot and heavy in relationships and think “this is the one” and “there HAS to be someone out there that gets me”, and yet they wonder why relationships aren’t working.
The key is know thyself.
Like Carl Jung said…”Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”
Thanks for the great post.
I love that quote! Thank you.
i love getting your emails they always seem so relevant to me today i was bemoaning the loss of another relationship loss but it reminded me off all the reasons he wasnt the right one and i feel soooo much better and clearer now thanks
I had a lot of boyfriends and girlfriends growing up. Now I’m married with two children, and I’ve been monogamous and committed to my partner about thirteen years. Others might view this as “settled”, but that word often seems reductive to me. I experience more joy and more personal growth every day. I’d like to hope that, were I single and/or did I not have children, I’d be experiencing the same joy and serenity and excitement. I simply don’t know though, as I’m not living that path.
There is a great pressure to find love and happiness and a mate… but there’s also a cultural narrative that implies that marriage/long term partnership is BORING. I think both these concepts are a shame, and interfere with people living happily, constructively, and with as little self-absorption as possible.
I think your type of ‘setting’ sounds absolutely beautiful, and I commend you for finding a partner with whom you can spend a delightful thirteen years.
Wow! What a mix of opinions on this one! The point is that I have learned from every relationship I’ve had, and I think that’s valid. If I had explained every lesson, we’d be here for a while, but I can try to sum it up if it helps.
I definitely learned early on to be co-dependent, to give myself entirely and sacrifice my needs in order to keep a relationship.
With each relationship I’ve had, I’ve become more and more aware of this pattern. It’s taken me 30 years to finally learn how to voice my own needs and let them be just as important as my partner’s needs (this goes for romantic relationships and others).
In response to the reader ‘truth hurts,’ the man who was talking on the phone during my grandmother’s funeral really ordered me around. And I took it! I signed up for an improv class and he said I couldn’t take it. When he was talking on the phone, I didn’t say anything to him about it. I didn’t want him to leave me, so I squelched all my needs, often crying in the bathroom and doubling over in anxiety.
So… YES! I am glad that I am not in that picture with him. And if I did look for it on Facebook, maybe it was just to remind myself how far I’ve come!
It’s FAR! And for that I am very proud of myself.
Wow what a popular post! So honest, witty, and disarming. I think the commenters are
a being a bit harsh toward the author who has chosen to be so
vulnerable. And in their defense, I think they’re trying to help. I believe modern-day dating is inherently flawed. But taking into account that it is the norm, it is essential that one learns from it. But what are we learning really? I think we should dig deeper. Every person is different from the next. And every relationship will offer different challenges. Each experience really isn’t improving us for “the one”. It’s just making it easier and more likely for us to break up with the next. I’m sorry if I sound all preachy or what not. I respect and admire you from what I’ve learned about you through this article and your website. You really are a treasure and I hope the best for you! Thanks for the post!
Thanks for the reminder. I think the ‘final taker’ really threw off a lot of people. You are so right though. Each experience isn’t improving me for ‘the one.’ It’s simply improving me for me.
I relate well to this article, except I was in a case of unrequited love. I was emotionally involved with a guy for over a year who I had previously been intimate and over the course of that year I had my first encounter with emotional and verbal abuse, basically every red flag behavior an individual can display. Even still, I wondered what if he’d mature emotionally and would be the man I hoped he would be? Would he realize that I am lovable, that I’m worth the risk? Would the feelings finally become mutual? Well, he has a baby boy and he and his girlfriend seem to be happy again. My boundaries and limits were crossed and I allowed them to be. As bittersweet as it is, I had to process my feelings, every emotion; there were days I seemed to be over him, then I’d fall right back into misery, crying my heart out. Another perspective as Maya Angelou says ” When people show you who they are, believe them. ” I don’t know how he and his girlfriend are behind closed doors, its none of my business, but I know how he treated me, how I felt and it wasn’t a healthy relationship, if you can call it that.
It taught me to have boundaries, non-negtotiable boundaries, self-respect and self-love. Perhaps it was the polarity of an Aries-Libra polarity or we’re fundamentally incompatible. In the end, he’s the one who told me it was best we not talk. As I obsessed and dwelled over every conversation or text, the reality was, he chose not to be with me and has done everything to keep me out of sight and out of mind. He treated me as he would an ex girlfriend he wanted to forget. I learned a lot from him being in my life for short time that he was. Although I cared for him deeply, fate works in mysterious ways and sometimes not getting what you want is truly a blessing in disguise.
I totally hear you! All the lessons I’ve learned were also within relationships where I was waiting for the other person to change. HA!
Now I know that’s a big sign and I’ve finally figured out how to accept unconditionally. Boy is it amazing! I’m glad to know we’re both on the same learning line. Thanks!
Hah! Only diff izzat I put on that final ‘h’, when I use that word!
I am in the same boat Janine. 🙂 I feel exactly the same that there were days I seemed to be over him, then I’d fall right back into misery, crying my heart out. I guess this is really how the process goes… I know in time we will be all right. HUGSS!
And here I thought I was the only one having days where I felt strong and confident and smart enough to realize I wasn’t being treated well, followed by days where I cried and wondered why a guy didn’t want to be with me.
Very Humorus! And overall a good read 🙂
Laurenne, you know my story. 10 years of going no where in my male relationship. I am finally, okay not sure, this will be the end when 2012 comes into being. I will miss the guy but friendship without benefits is not to my liking and to think I started this action. Oy Vey and now regret it sometimes. See you in 2012. We need to go scouting for me and you. Think father figure (not gay, however) for you to find me (figured if your friends think you haven’t put the dad death behind you)and great guy for me to find you.Love you Laurenne.
haven’t even read this yet and I know it will be great.
a while back i made a decision that i would focus on the relationship with myself first and foremost. i would be like a cake – solid and baked well (no, not stoned), and the dude would be like the icing on the cake. this metaphor works well for me. i love cake.
I love that metaphor too!
This notion of ‘settling’ is very much a female thing. Men are much more practical and they know that trade-offs are inevitable. It also seems to be a prevalent excuse among women not to have to decide and commit to a relationship and all its challenges. They can continue to say they refuse to settle when in fact they refuse to be in a real relationship.
Claps for that! You had me cracking up. Beautifully written :D!
Love,
Sarah
Do people actually want their
exes to end up frozen in ex land? and actually get upset when the ex is
happy with another women years later? you got serious issues.
Yep! I think people think it but not too many people say it out loud.
This post is amazing, I was giggling reading this. Now I’ve learned that my ex has some selfish part of himself that has wished his exes wouldn’t move on, that includes me. haha Just last night he messaged me saying he would erase me off on facebook because it’s easier for him not to see any photos of me (photos of me enjoying time with my family and friends.) hah I do miss him, I do love him but I don’t think it’ll ever work if given a chance. I have been learning so many things in my journey of moving on from a failed relationship. I hope to fully recover and start a new with a brand-new heart. Happy New Year!
Thank you, this post was really helpful. It was tweeted to me while I was getting worried that wasn’t able to give equal time to all of my followers or everyone I follow. Your conclusion says it all: People, however they come into your life and for however long, do so for a reason; when that reason is fulflled, they go.
I would like to say thank you for this post. I can relate like most people who are trying to learn how to share their lives with the ones they love. I had a talk with a good friend last night who is going through the ever so fun separation of an ended relationship. My friend was distressed because he felt like if they had done something different the relationship might not have ended or would have gone a different direction. However, he admitted that he knew the relationship wasn’t working out for him either. I told him people will come along and teach us new things. I think we all get stuck holding on to the past a lot of times even when we are growing as a person and will inevitably change ourselves. We are refining ourselves. I heard from somewhere that we are all like a big marble slab. each experience that we learn from helps chicle a more defined shape. We should stop and look at ourselves and see what kind of beautiful creation we are. We will never stop working on our masterpiece which is ourselves but we should recognize we are a work of art and we get what we put in.
I hope everyone has a wonderful time bringing in the new year! Peace and Love
This post resonates with me, as well. I understand the points of the commenters who are expressing some criticism, too, but as a woman who has also pursued relationships with men rather relentlessly, I applaud the author’s honesty and willingness to be vulnerable in such a public forum. I wrote something similar, if more emotional, on TB here http://dev.tinybuddha.com/blog/finding-strengths-in-weaknesses/ and got some similar comments, implying that there was something wrong with me for reacting the way I did to the situation I wrote about. But, like this author, I was attempting to show with true honesty, how that situation felt.
The truth is, that we are all still learning, still stumbling through life. We rationalize, yes, but we also learn and grow and hunger for connection. Sometimes – often – this hunger leads to less than perfect decisions, in hindsight. But who among us hasn’t made less than perfect decisions?
Anyway, I wanted to say that, as a 41 year old woman who has always longed for a life partner and has never had a relationship last longer than 3 years, I, too, have stayed with men longer than I should have and tried to justify bad behavior (his and mine) so that I wouldn’t have to be single again.
It’s taken me this long to slowly, slowly, start to realize that having a steady, long-term relationship might not be my path, that there is no such thing as The One and that’s OK, and that I’m really fine being single. I’m still not fully there, but I’m getting there. Now, dating someone for 5 months, I find that I’ve finally been able to tap into my discerning adult self and take the relationship for what it is rather than for what I want it to become. it’s been a hard, hard path, and I still stumble sometimes. I don’t think this is someone I’m going to spend my life with – though I could be wrong, as more gets uncovered on a weekly basis – but slowly, slowly, that’s becoming OK and I’m letting go of myth and expectation: the white picket fence, white wedding fairy tale that so many girls are fed in this culture.
I’m also paying very close attention to my proven ability for rationalizing my own mistakes, and for making them over and over again. I’d encourage the author to do this as well, even if it means giving a close friend or counselor permission to intervene if she/he sees you going down the same dating road again. Sometimes it’s good to have another set of eyes help us in situations where we often have trouble seeing clearly!
I would say, every time a relationship end, a small part
of you dies. This could be a bad habit, or even a good thing that dies…. I
think, for me, from my first love, then that ended 5 years ago now, I lost how
to love, and it has taken a few other relationships for me to realise that,
actually quite a bit part of me died that day… am I bitter.. NO… because if
I had stayed in that relationship, I would not be half the person I am today, I
would not have achieved some amazing things and I would probably be thinking… it is it!!… and have
itchy feet… I know, that, as I know me, and I know what I am like. Each
relationship, ends because it has too… you have to die a little…. to live a
LOT!!… Love you all xxx
Sooo true! Thank you for writing this. I’ve been guilty of cycling through in my mind the ugliness of my past relationship and torturing myself as to whether I could have given anything more. Honestly, I gave more than I should have and dragged it on for much longer than was really necessary. And I give a sigh of relief that I’m not the one in his arms any more, because I know that’s not where I want to be. And though we get along great now, because we no longer have to deal with the unique pressures of being in a romantic relationship, that’s exactly the point. We get along precisely because we are ONLY friends.
i like this. forget my infatuations. focus on my marriage 🙂
You seem to parallel
me in my dating history. Right down to the pot smoking and video games.
You are so
right, people come into our lives to teach us something – and exes teach us
what we want and don’t want in a partner. Only some people don’t take those
lessons and learn from them! I see so many men and women still settling for the
guy or girl that doesn’t quite make them happy. They haven’t learned their
lesson yet!
Of course I have also seen the person who dates a very small amount of guys and get’s
married (my best friend) and then wonders why she’s not happy with him. The of
course divorces him. She never really had a chance to learn what she actually
wanted in a guy.
This is perfect, exactly what I need right now after a break up. Thank you so much!
A great new approach to life.
This site is very refreshing.
After reading the reply from Truth Hurts, I had to comment on this article and tell you how much I enjoyed it, and how it is clearly not just about you, and how those of us without a fortune-telling chip on our shoulder actually got it”. I think that people… oh, god, I don’t know. I don’t know why someone would take the time to write something so condescending. I get the same thing sometimes, with my writing. I guess people just love to judge, and they love to tell us what we’re REALLY feeling, as if we don’t know, as if we’re hiding it. Perhaps some people can’t understand how anything could be honest and funny at the same time. Maybe the dude got a flat tire this morning. Dunno. Anyway, they are wrong, obviously, you were very honest. I wouldn’t normally have written to let you know how much I liked this article, but I figured I should add my two cents to balance out Anonymous McNegativepants.
You are too funny’