fbpx
Menu

Learning to Enjoy the Process and Stop Worrying About the Outcome

Happy

“Slow down and everything you are chasing will come around and catch you” ~John De Paula

Remember the Tasmanian Devil?

That crazed Loony Tunes cartoon character spinning out of control, crashing into everything in his path? Arriving in a blur. Leaving chaos in its wake.

That was pretty much me and my approach to “living my passion.”

This is hard to write but here goes (deep breath)…

Not too long ago I was seriously trying to accomplish all of these things at the same time:

  • Play in a rock and roll band of middle aged men living in New York City, rehearse regularly, play live shows, tour, and still play dad to a family of four.
  • Engineer and produce our own albums while simultaneously attempting to produce other artists to help them realize their artistic vision
  • Start my own blog to inspire awesomeness in other creators
  • Guest post for major blogs and write epic content regularly to help their audience and build up my own blog audience
  • Shoot my own videos, create graphics, and edit them (though I have little to no skills in any of these areas) for my blog
  • Write a novel and multiple eBooks
  • Design cool music themed apps
  • Stay gainfully employed (a day job I desperately wanted to quit to make more time for all of the above)
  • Practice meditation and find the deeper meaning to my life

The idea was that my brilliant plan would eventually pay off and sustain my family completely so that I could:

  • Pay a New York City mortgage
  • Put food on the table
  • Make time for my two young children
  • Spend some quality alone time with my wife and stay married
  • Have the freedom to create more awesome art

So how did that all work out, you might ask. Total disaster. Here’s a glimpse into my crazy Tazmanian lifestyle:

I would commute to my day gig and write blog posts while standing up on crowded subway cars. I’d come home and have a quick dinner, hang out with the children, and pretend to listen as they would excitedly recount their day. But I wasn’t really present. Then I would dash off after their bedtime to my studio man cave to work on my music until the wee hours.

Then I would collapse into bed every night, only to get up a few hours later and do it all over again. At the end of my self-imposed exile of several months, I would finally return home victorious, the proud father of a shiny new CD.

But there was no applause in my household. Only a very chilly reception from an ever more distant wife who understood my passion but couldn’t accept its all-consuming nature or my many frazzled creative endeavors.

Then I would spend the next few months trying to stitch back together our relationship. But the chasm between us was growing and heading to the point of no return, having repeated this scenario at least three times before since we had known each other.

I knew something needed to change, and quickly, if I was going to try and stay married.

How did I arrive here, you might ask.

Simply put, I became a casualty of the Digital Revolution. A world where faster is better, multi-tasking is the national anthem, and technology will set you free to be more productive and make you more intelligent.

Where you don’t need human interaction anymore. You can simply “connect” to your global audience, which was almost as good as being there with them.

Except that it’s not.

I was duped into believing that I could accomplish so many more tasks with all this technology and achieve incredible feats by simply sitting in front of a computer screen.

I was also following several successful bloggers and online marketers and learning everything I could from them. But this only amplified the delusion that I could accomplish all these things at once because they had done it.

Only all those marketers seemed very focused on just one thing and they were doing it really well. The problem for me was that I had many irons in many different fires and none of them were getting very hot.

I call this The Flailing Effect.

But thank God (or Buddha as it were) that somewhere in the midst of all this chaos I began practicing meditation. You could say I finally caught my breath. I quickly began to slow down and see a different perspective.

It didn’t happen overnight. There were no tectonic shifts in my crazy lifestyle. In fact, I had to get up even earlier to now fit my meditation into my already insane schedule.

But it was the best thing I ever could have done.

Slowly, through the practice of quieting my mind, I began to find clarity.

I clearly saw my attachment to this desperate need to accomplish something important in this life and be recognized by the world for it; and how these external accomplishments would somehow validate me as a person, as though who I was already wasn’t enough.

It didn’t take long before I recognized the insanity in my ways.

It became clear that I really needed to define what I wanted my life to stand for. Then I needed to eliminate everything else that didn’t serve that end.

But the most important discovery was learning to finally let go of all expectations that any of these aspirations needed to come true. Or if they were meant to be, I needed to stop worrying about when they were going to happen, which it turns out was a huge source of frustration.

Attachment, worry, frustration—these things don’t exist in nature. Things unfold as they are supposed to in nature.

Sometimes the rains come. Sometimes they don’t. Sometimes one storm can change the course of millions of lives in just a few minutes.

A river runs its course based on the lay of the land. When it meets an obstacle, it doesn’t fight with it. It simply goes around it…eventually.

How long it takes is of little consequence. After some six million years or so, it might carve something as magnificent as the Grand Canyon. Nobody’s watching the clock in nature.

A tree is happy wherever it grows. It doesn’t secretly wish to sprout legs and run off to some other more happening part of the forest. (Robert Frost wrote a pretty great poem on this subject.)

In Buddhism, they call this patient acceptance.

Life happens in spite of your wishes. This is the nature of all things. When I began to accept this, my frustrations started to melt away.

When you can see yourself as a part of that nature, not separate from it, and start behaving as nature does, you will become more peaceful.

I’ve learned to embrace the work now.

The day to day. Nothing else matters, except my family. When I’m with my kids or my wife now, I try to really be present, to enjoy the now in each moment.

When I finish a post or a song after many hours of editing and polishing it to a fine shine, I can stand back and smile. Another child is born. Then I put it out into the world.

I do wish for it a happy, prosperous life as any father would. I just don’t worry so much any more about how it all turns out.

It all turns out fine.

Photo by Nguyen ST

About Mark Hermann

Mark Hermann is a music producer, songwriter, and blogger with the occasional whimsy to create mosaic art. He teaches musicians & other creators how to unearth their inner rock star and deliver the soundtrack to their story. Read more of his stories about how to discover your own personal legend at Rock andRoll Zen. Follow him on Twitter and Google+.

See a typo or inaccuracy? Please contact us so we can fix it!
Subscribe
Notify of
guest
19 Comments
Oldest
Newest Most Voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Zequeatta Jaques

Life happens in spite of your wishes – So True. Enjoyed your blog.

Mark Hermann

Thank you, Zequeatta. It took me many years to arrive at that conclusion.

DonnLMP

Which Frost poem?

Mark Hermann

Birches.

Marianne Gardner

I relate to this post so much. I have only just reached the place where the insanity stops (after moving away from LA and taking a break in the mountains), so who knows where this newfound presence will take me. I feel like a raw, soft little newborn baby, and I’m relearning how to live. It’s scary and wonderful, and I’m slowly learning to just trust in the process.

Josh

thank you for your post. It struck a chord in me as it were 🙂 From about 12 years of age i though i would be rich and famous, well that didnt pan out,, yet, i did the move to London play the clubs and even had a record out. Ever since then I have been lost as i didn t really have a back up career plan so I have spent most of my life since then drifting not holding down a job etc etc, I am 44 now. and just this past few months I have begun to follow a spiritual path to try and make some sense of life and it is posts like your that helps me to remember life is happening and unfolding just how it is meant to. I am glad I have found Tiny Buddha and posts such as yours, I think I read another post you wrote too , cheers Josh

Mark Hermann

Hey Josh, all I can say is that a spiritual path can help get you in touch with what really matters in life. And what doesn’t. Meditation has done that for me. It’s really easy to talk about spirituality and a light heart when things are going well. But it’s the difficult times that put your spirituality to the test. I don’t go for all the dogma. It’s a very personal journey. But sometimes connecting to the larger picture outside yourself can help give you some much needed perspective. There’s a great lesson from a Buddhist teacher who asks, ‘What is lacking in this moment?’ if you can just focus from one moment to the next, the rest will work itself out eventually the way it was supposed to. Glad this piece could help you on that journey. Peace.

Mark Hermann

Hey Marianne, believe it or not, much as this piece speaks about the insanity of life in New York, it is in fact my own place of salvation compared to the 10 years I spent in L.A. which was truly an insane period in my life. So I feel you.

DonnLMP

That was my guess but wanted to see if I was missing another poem just as good. Thanks.

Reggie Austin Jr.

Man this article really hit home. Thank you for sharing your story. – Reg

Mark Hermann

You’re welcome, Reggie.

Cloris Kylie

Great message, Mark! I’m sure everything will work out well for you.

Karen Lang (from Australia)

Hi Mark

Great article.

Thanks for inspiring us and reminding us to stop trying to control and make things happen. Gosh its hard to trust sometimes, allowing and letting go of my plans!. The only way to understand allowing is by practising it everyday and from this I have received the flow of abundance in my life. May abundance always follow you too.

Mark Hermann

You’re welcome, Karen. It really is hard to trust. It still creeps back in, that need to make things happen. It’s just now I have a way to quickly recognize it and put it in its place. Glad to be of service.

Mark Hermann

Thanks Cloris. It always does work out. It’s just having the perspective to see it that way.

Bill Freedman

Mark,

Thanks for making me think more deeply about the journey and the outcome.

What I found most compelling about your essay is that you are more satisfied today with your new goals than you were with your previous goals. You said your goal was to “accomplish something important.” And they you went on to say that providing for and participating in life with your family wasn’t cutting it for you, that you wanted more.

After reflecting on your thoughts, I then applied it to my situation. I’ve understand that my family is primary for me. Providing for them, spending time with them and enabling my kids to flourish will always be my primary life’s goal. I think we agree on that.

But I’m not stopping there. My family is important but not a singular focus. I can and try to advance in my career. I enjoy bicycling with friends. I like earning more money so I can take family vacations and buy conveniences.

My conclusion is that achieving outcomes…reaching for your goals…matters. It matters as much as living a life with purpose and integrity. Perhaps you’ve drawn a different conclusion. I respect that. I believe that it is a great think to care deeply for your family. I also believe that doing more, contributing my abundance to others beyond your family, is not only possible, but a virtue. Finding the balance is a hard, but worthwhile endeavor. Keep seeking.

BILL

Tas

Thanks for the article I’m going to print it out and post it in my cubicle while long for the day I can be a full time DJ! I have had irons in multiple fires for years! Running from my 9-5 to my next DJ gig I get paid well but not enough or consistently to make it a full time thing. I stress myself about “HOW SUCCESSFUL I will be and “HOW SOON” it will happen. And all the while ripping and running in chaos have not enjoyed the day to day of life. Also moving so fast making hasty decisions and paying out extra money for quick convenience when if I slowed down I’d actually have more time.

Chris Hodnicak

On a day where I spent most of it constantly worrying about work, paying for college, and getting my first car, I thank you for your story as it gives me hope and the confidence that things will work out, I just need to not worry about them.

DawnofAnon

Its like retraining your brain to focus on the present instead of getting caught up in what should happen, what didnt happen, or in fear of something not happening in the future.
When I focus on this moment though, yes sure there is some uncomfortable sensations arising in the body, but apart from that nothing is really lacking so to speak. Also, changing perspectives on something you struggle with helps to let some of that heaviness go.