“All meaningful and lasting change starts on the inside and works its way out.” ~Anon
My life has been a journey of self-discovery—at times a very bumpy journey. I spent most of my life feeling angry with people and hurt because the way they treated me.
People would not always do what I expected of them, and this disappointed me. I used fear to get them to comply with my demands.
One day, my baby girl looked at me and said, “Dad, you don’t have to shout at me to make me love you.” My heart nearly exploded, and it was then I knew my life had to change.
One morning while driving to work I found myself sobbing and just felt so deeply sad. I couldn’t figure out why I felt this way; I just did. Then I realized I was fighting the world and pushing people away.
I was a terrible husband, friend, and family man. I was only concerned about myself, and I thought my life was a mess because of other people.
I started looking within at the role I was playing in my relationships and discovered some fundamental truths.
I was a blamer and never took responsibility. This was my end and my new beginning.
My life and my relationships needed to change. And I realized IÂ had to make these changes. I needed to start taking responsibility for myself and my behaviors and I needed to stop trying to force others to change.
I needed to love and accept myself. I had spent a great deal of my life pushing people away because I did not love myself. I discovered that I would only allow people to love me to the extent that I loved myself.
I knew I had to be vulnerable and open to help or I would not grow or get out of this sad life I had created for myself.
The “how” and “when” were critical, because I had spent ten years avoiding therapy. I knew I had serious childhood issues to deal with, and it was much less painful to just avoid them.
Who I was at that moment was a result of everything I had experienced. I discovered that I was using this as my tool to blame others. One of my favorite sayings was “Well, that’s just who I am.”
Who I became was up to me and was defined by the choices I made in each and every moment. I could change. I eventually took the dive and engaged with a therapist.
I started talking about all my childhood issues; the sexual, physical, and emotional abuse I suffered. I came to understand that I had been neglected as a child and suffered from abandonment. The more I spoke and listened, the more I realized this seemed insurmountable.
I needed to share with others. I remember how my wife sat crying when I told her. My best friend was so angry for me. I knew how loved I was and that I had been preventing these people from loving me deeply.
I confronted my mother and father and wanted to know why. I walked away with more questions than answers. But I knew making them wrong would not help me.
I needed to forgive them and myself if I wanted to move forward. I told myself they were doing the best they could with what they knew at the time.
I have dealt and always will deal with my past. It has shaped me into who I am. I now needed to create my future by changing how I showed up in relationships.
I started listening to spiritual audio. I listened to Wayne Dyer, Deepak Chopra, Louise Hay, and others like them. I listened to their podcasts again and again. I listened for the one gem I could incorporate into my life. This was an important part of my journey.
I openly spoke about my past with my close friends and my wife. I shared, I cried, and I grew.
I opened up and allowed myself to feel. I challenged my beliefs that held me trapped in “the way it is.” It was a very freeing experience.
I remember my mom saying “cowboys don’t cry,” and this stopped me from expressing my emotions. I finally allowed myself to feel and cry, and I was not ashamed of it. My heart was capable of so much love, but it needed to let go of so much hurt.
Today I am a much happier person. I have reached a place where I can say, “I love you, Stephen,” and I believe it. This has allowed me to connect with other people and let them into my heart. I feel free in my life and am not limited by my past.
My journey to discovering my beauty inside allowed me to love myself. I removed and am still removing the self-imposed barriers that allow my beautiful light to shine. I changed myself and no longer have the drive to change others.
If we can all just realize that we are responsible for our lives and that we are capable of creating such amazing relationships that give our lives meaning, then we won’t have to accept the mediocrity we have been living.
We have the power to change our lives; we do not have the power to change others.
When we take this approach, our world is better for it.
“Never over-estimate your power to change others, because you can’t. Never under-estimate your power to change yourself, because you can.” ~Wayne Dyer
Photo by vinni123

About Stephen Light
Stephen loves people and sees them for their potential, not the behaviors they display. His purpose is to connect, share, serve, and grow. He sees his life as a journey and loves that he can make a difference in people’s lives. Visit him at peopleactiv.com, on Twitter, or on Facebook.
I love this post
a very touching article. it inspires you to overcome hurt..really touching. thank you
Thank you, Stephen, for opening your heart and world to us. I know your journey was not easy and I just want to let you know that you are not alone. There are many of us that have gone through similar situations and I applaud you for doing what needed to be done in order to live your life with greater purpose. You are a blessing.
This is a very powerful post, thank you for sharing your “a-ha” moment, and journey to more a peaceful, and loving life! I love the line..”My heart was capable of so much love but it needed to let go of so much hurt.”….fantastic point, thank you!!! 🙂
very good post
amazing post!
I had the same moment 20 months ago when I wanted to end it all and saw a therapist every week for 8 months and started my journey to where I am now – a happy person. I’m no longer angry, people like being around me, life isn’t hard any more. the truth is you can only work on yourself and let today define you – not your past, it’s gone, finished, over. Only when you accept yourself and realise you can choose how you react to what to what has been done to you and not let the actions of others define you, that you will be free of the past and ready to live in today x
I feel like I know you after reading this because your vulnerability is so powerful – I see myself in your story and I want to thank you so much for sharing your Truth. Your Truth inspires me to live mine more deeply. I’m so happy you are finding your way back to your Self. With love…
Thank you for opening your heart and sharing this wonderful blog with us. I have a relative that is like how you were and I always pray she will find her way. I would always get frustrated she didn’t want to deal with her childhood issues but as you mentioned:
“We have the power to change our lives, we do not have the power to change others.” This really resonated with me so thank you.
Thank you for writing such an honest and open piece. It’s heartwarming to read about your journey and how you came through the pain to a better place, and experienced such growth. The part of your piece where you mentioned feeling so sad and crying in your car hit home with me. I have been through every emotion in the world while driving/sitting in my car (and it’s funny, I think I’ve had most of my huge revelations in my car and in general I only drive about 10 miles a day)! Best to you!
I’ve been following your posts and have listened to you on East Coast Radio for a few months now. You’ve helped me on my journey in more ways than one, I’ve learned to forgive myself and others, I’ve learned to stop trying to control and be in control. I’m finally learning how to be free and I love me! Thank you for sharing your journey and giving me the courage to face my demons! Love and light xxx
The Most Beautiful Flower
The park bench was desertedas I sat down to readBeneath the long, straggly branchesof an old willow tree.
Disillusioned by life
with good reason to frown, For the world was intenton dragging me down.
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And if that weren’t enough to ruin my day, A young boy out of breath approached me, all tired from play.
He stood right before me with his head tilted downAnd said with great excitement, “Look what I found!”
In his hand was a flower, and what a pitiful sight, With its petals all worn – too little rain, too little light.
Wanting him to take his dead flowerand go off to play, I faked a small smile and then shifted away.
But instead of retreating he sat next to my side And placed the flower to his nose and declared with surprise,
“It sure smells pretty and it’s beautiful, too.That’s why I picked it; here – it’s for you.”
The weed before me was dying or dead, Not vibrant of colors,orange, yellow or red.
But I knew I must take it, or he might never leave. So I reached for the flower, and replied, “Just what I need.”
But instead of him placing the flower in my hand, He held it mid-air without reason or plan.
It was then that I noticed for the very first timeThat weed-toting boy could not see;he was blind.
I heard my voice quiver,tears shone like the sunAs I thanked him for picking the very best one.
“You’re welcome,” he smiled, and then ran off to play,Unaware of the impact he’d had on my day.
I sat there and wonderedhow he managed to see A self-pitying old man  beneath an old willow tree.
How did he know of my self-indulged plight? Perhaps from his heart, ….blessed with true sight.
Through the eyes of a blind child, at last I could see The problem was not with the world; the problem was me.
And for all of those times I myself had been blind, I vowed to see the beauty in life, and appreciate every second that’s mine.
Then I held that wilted flowerup to my nose And breathed in the fragranceof a beautiful rose
And smiled as I watched that young boy,another weed in his hand About to change the life of another unsuspecting old man.
thank you for sharing. That was incredibly personal, honest and generous. I cried reading your story and felt empowered by your strength. connecting to your true self is an act of courage – you rock. 🙂Â
These last days I have being struggled with myself and the decisions I had to take for a better way of live. I was naive and scared to make wrong decisions which made me to follow the same self destructive path that i I have lived in for several years, now I can see light in my darkness, and I thank God for giving ne the chance to change my life in great ways. Blesses everyone