“Your problem is you’re too busy holding onto your unworthiness.” ~Ram Dass
Three years ago I went through a breakup with someone I loved deeply.
I had no idea what had happened to me after I fell in love with this girl. I now know that I was asleep from the beginning to the very end of the relationship.
I was totally encapsulated with this girl to the point where I could not see what was in front of me. I was unable to see the red flags that were there in the beginning.
When I first laid eyes on her, I felt a magnetic pull. I knew that she was it for me. I had her as the one before I had spoken a word to her. And what made it even harder was that when I was with her, it felt like home, as if I had known her before.
So, no matter what she said, I had it sealed in my mind that this had to work.
When it all started she was almost impossible to get a date with. She bailed on me three times. On the third time I was aggravated, and she knew it. We had to have a phone conversation about why we couldn’t go out.
This had never happened to me ever before, and the weird part was that I went along with it. I had the conversation and everything was fine and dandy when we went on a date just a few days later.
On the first date it was as if I had forgotten about the initial weirdness and aggravation. I was sucked in. But as weeks went by, I noticed that I was only able to see her once a month, even though she lived in the next town over from me.
We would have to resort to FaceTime, when she was just at home. I couldn’t pick her up at her house because she wanted me to avoid her parents. But at the same time, she had pictures of us on social media, so it wasn’t like our relationship was a secret. I was confused, but I kept on with it.
I remember my birthday came around and I didn’t get so much as a card. And it was sad because that didn’t dawn on me until I actually broke up with her. All I wanted from her was her time, and that was limited, and at her convenience.
I should also tell you that I was not the kind of guy that just harbors all my frustration and doesn’t talk about issues.
I would try to talk about my feelings and concerns, as well as try to understand her, but she would never want to hear it or talk about it. There was constant neglect.
What could I do? How could I show her that I loved her? What would make her open her heart to me? Take her to more dinners? Buy tickets to a game? None of that seemed to make a difference. But I felt for her and understood she had been cheated on previously, so I used the excuse that “she just has her walls up.”
I would tell myself that eventually she would understand that I was a good guy who loved her. She would eventually not be this way. In other words, eventually she would be what I thought she could be.
I looked past her avoidant personality, the distance she needed, and the fact that we were in different chapters in our lives. I also was willing to set aside my needs to fulfill hers, and only hers. My self-worth was at an all time low. (Or had it always been that low?)
The poison in this toxic relationship set in early, and I decided that I would enjoy more of it until the point where I needed to leave. Let’s not forget the idea that men have to pursue, pursue, and pursue. Because anything worth having won’t come easily, right?
After she put me completely on her backburner in the relationship, I knew that I was worth more. I cut the poison chord and licked my wounds for a long time after.
But there is healing in the “licking of my wounds.” The healing was sparked by a curiosity that I had developed in the search for myself.
Why did I attract this type of person into my life? How could I move upward so that I could attract healthier relationships going forward?
I wasn’t going to just blame her and just get on with it. I didn’t want to be in denial about the fact that I had chosen to be with her. She was just being her, and how could I blame her for not being the person I wanted her to be? I needed to take some responsibility for my choice and work from there.
I found that amongst my own mommy issues, there was some childhood bully issues, and I’d been living with the “I’m not good enough” belief for years.
Suddenly, I was awakened.
I was awakened to the fact that the purpose of this relationship was to spawn a new discovery in my life, and that was the search for who I really am. It wasn’t just figuring out who I thought I was or being a better me, it was the search for my deeper self—my soul.
I believe this whole event was put forth for me to learn my worth.
Right after the relationship, I took time to grieve. That encompassed the generic reaction of drinking and going out, because at the time I didn’t immediately get the lesson; I was still working from the only place I knew.
But I realized that doing what the generation would consider normal—drinking, going out, and hooking up with other girls, just to run from the pain—wasn’t going to make anything better.
In the past it may have worked, because I wasn’t as emotionally invested and didn’t care as much when relationships ended. But this particular time was unique, because, at the time, I was looking for my soul mate.
This time around I had much higher expectations and a deeper attachment. That’s what had caused the pain from the start. I wasn’t hurting because she wasn’t the girl I wanted her to be; it was the expectation of what I thought she was rather than who she was in reality.
Had I been present and awake, I wouldn’t have dated her at all because I would have seen that she was the complete opposite of what I needed. But how do I know what I need? And do I feel that I deserve what I need? Am I worthy of it?
On a simple level one could say, well, of course you deserve it and of course you are worthy. But I realized that inside I didn’t feel that way.
I eventually realized that my upbringing wasn’t surrounded by much love, not in the way that I needed. I was taught tough love, meaning little acknowledgement and praise, and as a result I never felt good enough.
Since there was an absence of love in my childhood, I didn’t know that I was worthy of it.
This model that I had worked with since my childhood affected who and what I would eventually attract. I projected unworthiness, and thought that women who love, care, and are nurturing didn’t exist, basically setting forth what came into my life.
I realized that if I didn’t let go of my issues, the pattern would continue. The pattern would show up slightly different from time to time, but I would continue attracting unloving relationships if I continued believing I was unworthy and unlovable.
If you’ve had similar experiences, my message is to be present and be aware. This enables you to see the person you’re dating for who they are, as opposed to focusing on who you want them to be, and to see yourself more clearly as well.
This is an opportunity to not place blame in your relationship but rather to learn about yourself and your patterns.
Ask questions to help you dig deeper, such as: What is causing me to feel this way? Why was this event brought into my life? Where do I need healing? What issues, thoughts, or beliefs am I holding onto that are keeping me from where I want to go?
If you can just be present you will be able to notice your own thoughts and your attachments to stories in your own mind—stories about the past, the future, fear, control, unworthiness, and other issues that you may be holding onto.
Some questions I ask myself today when I’m meeting someone for the first time or seeing someone in the beginning include: Is this person my friend? How is their heart? Is it open?
Simply put, when I’m with that person, my heart is open to seeing who is there.
Do the work to heal your own wounds and to escape from your unhealthy patterns, and your heart will be open as well.
About Brad Ahern
Brad’s life’s purpose is to be of service to people. He currently devotes time to working with Autistic kids. He’s working full time on his Masters Degree in Counseling Psychology, and in the future will be pursuing a PhD. He writes to share relatable stories to help with spiritual growth.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Hi Brad,
Thank you for writing this article. It felt like you wrote my story. I am going through a break up with someone I deeply loved for 2 and 1/2 years. To be honest, I saw all the red flags from the start but my mind was so deluded and attached that I ignored everything. It came to an ending nine months ago, and I decided to stay away from dating for some time, even though, I had some opportunities to date.
I have found the same underlying issues of attracting my ex into my life. My fear from loneliness, my low self worth and self love, my need to be valued , my poor self esteem. This breakup has been a wake up call and I have been working on myself to win over these issues. However, there are some days when something triggers my emotions and I feel like I am back to square one as if no amount work will help me. Do you feel sometimes like that, you aren’t going anywhere? What do you do to alleviate your suffering in such situation?
I have also decided to go against the very nature of previous me, who always look for certainty and security. I am planning to travel alone overseas, move to new city where I know no one, find a new challenging work. I also decided to let go the idea of ‘married with kids’ as an indicator of success in personal life.
Thanks
Brav3
Hi Brad
I went through something very similar as well. The real purpose of the relationship I had with this woman was to tear me apart spiritually, and to force me to confront my shadow sides (mommy issues, not feeling loved, not good enough, etc. All those childhood issues). I am deeply grateful to that Soul for helping me learn these lessons. I would not be where I am today without her help. It took me a long time to let go. And, as you said, there were red flags right from the beginning, but my desperate need to be loved was so strong that I betrayed my Self, I made my Self small for someone else.
So I too had to question my motives, and came to the same realizations as you have:
– If I think it’s good enough, then it is good enough, because I am doing my best (I know when I’m not doing my best)
– I have a very large capacity to Love. It’s not like I’m not capable of Love
– That large capacity to Love must, first and foremost, include me
– I am worthy of Love. Everybody is. We cannot exist without it.
Anyway, thank you so much for your post. I was having doubts again this morning, and your post was EXACTLY what I needed to hear. Isn’t Life wonderful that way?
All the best on your path!
Cheers
Gunter
Hi Brad,
Thanks for sharing your story. I always find tiny buddha’s newsletters so timely for my life, and your article certainly fits the bill. I recently broke off a long-term relationship and started on the blame game and pity party, but quickly realized that I was to blame for loving the person I thought she was and not who she really is. She claimed she loved me, but in hindsight, ultimately I don’t believe she truly knows what love is. Your article has helped me to dig a little deeper to understand why I lack so much self-worth. I’m happy to report that I am taking a long hiatus from dating until such time that I can be more present and self-aware, not to mention focusing more on my happiness and self-love. Thanks for the article.
Regards,
Donavan
Never been in a relationship and most likely never will in my lifetime
Donavan, I’m glad that you were able to relate. I definitely hear you on the blame game mind game that goes on. I think that taking time to grieve is important for many reasons. Being present, I think is 90% of the game.
Best,
Brad Ahern
Hey Gunter,
I love that relation you made with referring to the soul being of help for your growth. That is so key, I can’t even begin to tell you. All of those realization I try to repeat to myself daily to keep the energy flowing. I’m glad you related and it was helpful for you!
Best,
Brad Ahern
Nicky,
I have felt that way before. You never know what comes into your life. Embrace every moment.
Best,
Brad Ahern
Brav3
Sorry for the late reply. But yes from time to time I get thoughts that trigger emotions, but not as much. In fact, I was only able to write my story now after 3 years, because it was such an emotional challenge for me. I meditate daily and just try to stay present. This enables me to notice my own thoughts before they take momentum. Momentum of thoughts creates more emotional releases for me. The noticer gets better with practice. I also tried to let go of plans like marriage and so forth, but for me that created more strain and in essence I created barriers for myself. So I flow with life and embrace it. Hope this answers your questions!
Best,
Brad Ahern
Hi Brad, I really enjoyed reading this. I had the same experience with a relationship recently. As you stated, it is so easy to say/believe: “On a simple level one could say, well, of course you deserve it and of course you are worthy.” But how did you move past that to really believe that you are worthy? Every time I tell myself I am worthy of love etc. I’m not sure if it’s just me ‘knowing’ i am or me really believing i am and thus attracting good relationships. I’m a bit stuck here aware of the issues but wondering how to grow from them. Thanks!
Brad, thank you so much for sharing your story, your feelings and your revelations. You have given me the nudge I needed to look at my past failed relationships and how I had set myself up for the painful learning experiences. You have re-awakened me the intent to go slow and look at my real motivations behind the new relationship I am about to enter……..this time successfully!!! Thanks a milion
Ari, I’m glad that my story was able to help in any way. I wish you well on your new relationship.
Best,
Brad Ahern
This may as well have been my story, Forunately, like yourself, I not only took a long hard look at myself, but also sought out professional help. A year later, I’m still a work in progress but the world looks s lot different. Well worth the discomfort it creates when we get down to the nitty gritty and examine our behavior with a more critical eye. Great post!!!
Hey VK,
Honestly , I think it is an everyday reminder for me. I work with different techniques and one I use is just stating that I am worthy and I am lovable. I believe this to be a thoughts guiding actions approach, which for me I notice in time, my surroundings and people I attract change. For me it has to be constant until it is natural and just my being. I am a work in progress and will continue to be until my time is up. Hope this answers your question.
Best,
Brad Ahern
Thank you for writing this. Brad you have pretty much described what I am going through right now. I noticed I also feel attracted to man who don’t really want to be with me and I cling to them way too long because I never really accept the fact they are not interested on having a relationship with me right now. I am struggling so much because it is really hard to accept that. It’s really hard to accept and see who they are because I always get so blind trying to get from them what I am craving (love, acceptance, laughs, intimacy) that I miss the fact they may have characteristics that I don’t really like or that they don’t treat me well. I don’t even know why sometimes I continue pursuing them even though when I am with them, they don’t really make me feel anything good I just feel super anxious and rejected. Maybe it is so hard to accept it because somehow I feel that I am unworthy that maybe I don’t deserve all what I need and want. That maybe real love doesn’t exist or that maybe it doesn’t exist for me that I won’t be able to meet that person that actually will love me for who I am and that I will feel the same way towards them. Sometimes I even think maybe I feel attracted to this people who don’t want to be with me because I am afraid of really loving someone and get hurt 🙁 I don’t know. So I really understand how you feel. I loved your “licking my wounds” reference. Do you have any advice as to how to start breaking the pattern of feeling unworthy (I received tough love during my childhood too)? I am sick of feeling like this.
Hey Brad, well done on getting through that period of toxicity. Your story describes my early 20s. It’s really important to not blame yourself or the woman, but just remember to take responsibility for your actions and continue to grow. As well not worry about her. I hope all the neglect and silent treatment you experienced with her has made you a stronger and better person just like it has bettered my life. Afterwards life improves and whenever it happens you end up attracting a much better and more beautiful woman (soul) into your life. All the best.
Hey Rick,
Yes it absolutely is a great lesson if we take it as such and examine
Best,
Brad Ahern
Hey Laura,
Very interesting comments. I relate a lot to it in fact. Recently I have taken a look at love styles and came across “love addict versus love avoidant.”I honestly think it is worth looking into. There are some great videos about it. And there are great books by Brene Brown. The whole thing for me was to realize that I was already worthy and lovable. And the second major piece was being awake through the whole game. If I feel an explosive attraction to someone I step back and observe because that explosive love is like a sleeping pill. It just sucks you in, and you can’t see what is.
Best,
Brad Ahern
Hey Adam,
Yes in time it certainly did get better. I appreciate the kind words.
Best,
Brad Ahern
Thanks for the article. I was in a very similar situation a few years ago. I thought I had found who I had been waiting for all my life. She turned out to be not a very nice person at all, just a great actor who presents extremely well, but at the beginning appeared to be everything that I ever wanted in a woman. There were a lot of red flags that I conveniently ignored that should have been addressed. But I was powerless to leave, I was so attached to her and wanted so badly for the two of us to make it. When she left it was beyond devastating. Anyone else in my future will now make me a priority in their life, not a second thought.
I try but I see reality for what it is and I know in reality relationships are not in my cards or my future.
Hi Brad,
Wow I am just blown away by your ability to have realized all of this and to find ways of making tangible change. I am however feeling so sad as I see for myself that until I met my husband of 10 yrs I was (a woman) ALWAYS seeking love from a man and habitually choosing emotionally unavailable ones. At first my husband had fleeting moments of emotional availability but I totally contributed to wearing him down by ‘switching’ to love avoidant. The old ‘I hate you dont leave me’. Its interesting too because he, like you experienced a tough love upbringing and inside what he needs is love and understanding. Strangley he chose me and I have come to see that I can display emotional inavailabity and not be there for him in the way I so badly wanted someone to be for me all my adult life. Its like I shut down from him and I need to explore that (didnt realize this until reading about your journey)
Thank you Brad for coming into my life this way.
Almost identical situation to you and Brav3
but in my case it happened 8 months ago after nearly 3 years. But it never should have gone that long, for either of us.
From pretty much as soon as I met her, in my mind it was locked in – I was going to spend the rest of my life now that I found someone.
I missed the red flags, I missed the helpful advice from friends, and when she said she hinted at it herself, none of that made sense to me. We loved each other and we were going to be together. The idea that we needed to break up (not WANTED but NEEDED to break up) made absolutely 0 sense, I dismissed it as fast as it came along
Eventually she came back to it again, but this time it was resentment instead of tears.
The things she said to me were downright cruel, but they sure as hell slapped the blinkers off my eyes and I’m sort of relieved now.
I feared being alone. I’m terrible with women, and that was my first experience so I never ever even considered letting go. But sometimes you have to, because otherwise, it will erode away what little self confidence you have. They won’t have done much, but you will tear yourself apart. All that can be done from there is build yourself up better
Yes absolutely, That is exactly how I felt. I felt like it was me being the giver and the other being the taker. There was no balance. And in a lot of ways it felt like an addiction. But without that experience, the path is different after. So, in time I became grateful. I’m happy you could relate!
Best,
Brad Ahern
Hey Tania,
I’m happy that you found this to be helpful and that you had some realizations! I think those are big moments when we can have insight.
Best,
Brad Ahern
Yes the attachment can be an addiction of sorts, atleast it was for me. It became unhealthy and unbalanced. I’m glad you can relate and that you know what you want looking forward.
Best,
Brad Ahern
That’s something I would have said at a time. It’s very familiar to me. For me, I got to the point where my thoughts and feelings shaped my reality and what I saw as reality. At that realization I started to work on myself. I read books, talked to therapists, and really dove inward to see what my makeup was. It enabled me to find out how I was viewed by others and most importantly viewed by myself. This is honestly a topic I want to write about, because it is close to home with me. Keep trying though, I’m confident you’ll find your way.
Hi Brad thank you for your story. Though I’m a woman, i have nearly the exact same story. But whereas you have moved on from this toxic relationship, I am in the middle of it. Also, we are married so it is a much tougher call than just letting go of a dating relationship. I am so glad to read your blog, to know that I am not alone. I continue to seek clarity and enlightenment in my journey. I wish you light on your own :).
Hey Victoria,
I’m glad that my story gave you some comfort in knowing you are not alone. I think that you are on your way! Everything will unfold as it should. Thankyou for the kind words.
Best,
Brad Ahern
Well for me, being that I am disabled. I doubt relationships and dating are in my future
Thank you! Just about right time. I have been dealing with this now for months. Something in me graves those girls that imeadiately don’t give the acceptance and love. And the ones that gives them makes no feeling in me. This “wrong” part of me is in charge and I see it but don’t know what to do it. It just feels bad. And all of this adds the non-acceptance of my self.
How to get out of this negative spiral?
Thanks for your words. Myself have been in similar relationships in the past and a few months ago met someone and there I was with the same old patterns until she made me realise what I was doing, I was finally able to see the patterns of unworthiness I had all my life and now I’m trying to break them, it’s still a daily struggle.
Would love it if you´d share other techniques as well. 🙂
Beautifully stated. It’s life changing when we can see past the negative experience and into the life lesson and self realizations needed to grow spiritually. Thanks for sharing!
Hey Paulo,
I hear you and I can understand that struggle. I’ll tell you even when I notice it, the struggle for me is justblowing I’m worthy on a consistent basis, enough to attract that in which I seek. Keeping the awareness though is the main point. Glad you can relate.
Best,
Brad Ahern
J. Doe,
I can understand that situation. The best thing I ever did was come up with a practice to work on myself. My personal way was meditation, books, yoga, and others. Some other people may find their way through religion. It’s all up to you and what you relate to. What this did for me was get me to the present moment and enjoy my moments instead of wanting something other than what is in front of me. I grew a lot from these practices and it help me attract different types of people into my life. Hope this helps a bit.
Best,
Brad Ahern
Hey Byakko,
I work sometimes with mantras. There are many different ones in which you can find ones that you are comfortable with. I also meditate daily which is a great base to work with. I’m continuously reading different books and watching different lectures as well. It is just a continuous journey inward within myself. It in turn releases all of which is not for my highest benefit.
Best,
Brad Ahern
This post hits me at the core and good for your for realizing that it was time to look inside and realize that it was something in you – not just the other person. I feel like I can relate to your post because after getting out of a series of toxic relationships I ended up finally reading Free to Love, Free to Heal by David Simon and everything you’ve posted is what he goes into in his book. Anyway enjoyed the post. All the best to you.
Thanks for replying.
Its been a huge challenge for me as my ex is my co-worker. Therefore, there are plenty of triggers, daily, that I can’t run from . However, I think I am getting a hang of noticing my thoughts and stories. Sometimes, I think I got it and sometimes I just fell flat on my face.
It has also been a test for my mental resilience and knowing that everybody struggles gives a relief that I am a work in progress just like others.
Buddhist psychology and meditation really helped me as well.
Good luck
Brav3
Absolutely. I can imagine the difficulty in that situation. But sounds like you are doing fine, keep going! And yes Buddhist Psychology is phenomenal.
Best,
Brad
Thankyou for the comments! I’m glad you can relate to it! I’m going to check out that book, always up for new reads. Thankyou and the best to you as well.
Best,
Brad Ahern
Yeah, this is a great read. Oh so true. As we get older, it’s harder to find “tribe” friend members, let alone a love interest. 🙂
Thank you for sharing this. I currently reflecting on my own insecurity about my own self-worth. You just helped me to connect it with me attracting the wrong partners in life. I have a similar childhood and am currently working on my self-worth. Thank you again.
Hey Adriel,
I’m glad that you can relate to my story. You are not alone. The fact that you are working on it means so much, keep it up.
Brad
Hey Alex,
I appreciate the kind words! I agree with you on that.
Best,
Brad
I too was very needy and lacking in self-love, got married at a young age for all the wrong reasons…. many years later still working on the self-love. you need to love yourself first before you can fully give yourself to someonelse.
This paragraph struck a chord with me Brad.
“If you can just be present you will be able to notice your own thoughts and your attachments to stories in your own mind—stories about the past, the future, fear, control, unworthiness, and other issues that you may be holding onto.”
My wife has a tattoo on her wrist that says exactly that “Be Present” and each time her and I look at it, we are reminded of its message.
Thanks for the post
Hey Joel,
Im glad you can relate to my story. It is definitely a key reminder. I remind myself everyday.
Best,
Brad Ahern
Hey Amber,
Yes I agree with you in that you have to love yourself first. Self love is definitely something that took me a while to cultivate. I can relate to the needy part as well to some degree, in that what I needed wasn’t available in the relationships I chose. In the event that I met someone who was giving and balanced, the neediness subsides for me. Im glad you can relate to my story. All the best.
Brad
I am getting a divorce. I feel the need to have the safety from a relationship, but I know my heart needs to heal. I am also scared that I will just end up in a toxic relationship again. How did you get your self-worth up? I feel that is my biggest issue in relationships.
Hey DrAwesome, just wondering how you’re doing right now after 8 months. I went through the exact same thing as you did, I was with him for 2 years and he left suddenly saying that he no longer love me. It’s been 3 months now and I feel terrible about it…. Do get back to me, would like to have a chat with you 🙂