“The simplest deed is better than the greatest intention.” ~John Burroughs
In former times, a person’s word was his “bond.”
In fact, major business deals were transacted and solidified with a simple promise and a firm handshake. It was that basic.
Court cases were reserved for hardened criminals, not contractual breaches. And trust? It was as much of a commodity as stocks and bonds.
I miss those days.
Based upon a number of personal and professional interactions over the last couple of years, it seems that not enough folks consider their word as binding, particularly when it comes to friends honoring verbal (or email) commitments.
Don’t get me wrong: I recognize that “shift happens.” But being fickle can cause detriment to relationships, violate trust, and ruin reputations.
Here’s a case in point: Earlier this year, I was immersed in numerous activities surrounding two major events, the first being my twenty year anniversary as the president and founder of a community based arts organization, and the other my thirty-eighth birthday (the sequel).
Around April, I reached out to my small network of close friends to lend a hand, provide donations, or show support simply through their physical attendance at this highly anticipated two-day gala.
After all, it’s not every day that a girl celebrates twenty years of faithful service, or their thirty-eighth birthday twice, right?
As expected, the initial response was pretty good. Some pledged to bring food and drinks, while others confirmed they would minimally be on the scene to help celebrate and serve as hostesses.
Fast forward…it’s the weekend of the big event, ushered in with a Saturday framed in near-perfect weather and attendance by old acquaintances and new. Though it was a nice sized crowd for the gathering, when I scanned the faces, I noticed that four friends failed to show up; some didn’t even call to offer apologies or explanations.
Of the ones that didn’t show up, two were supposed to bring dishes and drinks that I relied on to complete my carefully planned menu, which left me scrambling to make last minute substitutions and some experimental combinations. Not cool.
In all fairness, I should add that overall these pals are quality people who have added greatly to my quality of life over the years. I have been able to count on them for moral support, constructive criticism, and even an emergency loan or two.
As such, this is not intended to diminish them in any way. It’s for edification. I’d like to think of it as a Public Service Message.
We’re all busy. Demanding jobs, elderly parents, personal obligations, projects around the house—it seems that the list never ends.
Still, friendships require ongoing give and take and sacrifice. There‘s no need to keep an open tally of who does what, or when, just a moral obligation to be honest, accountable, and trustworthy—to respond to an S.O.S when it’s issued.
The role of a true friend is to uplift, not to let down.
Amid all the chaos and uncertainty of the day, I kept smiling and the function ended on a high note. Thankfully.
In retrospect, I never want to have a “Plan B” when dealing with “A-list” friends.
Determined to make this a “teachable moment,” here’s what I concluded after I took the time to reflect. Perhaps these lessons will serve you well in future times too.
People define friendship differently.
Just because you share history together does not mean you should necessarily share a future. Choose friends with a similar value system for greater compatibility and lasting results.
Don’t be bitter, be better.
Look for the opportunities in adversity. With this situation, I was forced to have some heart-to-heart chats with friends (that were long overdue), that hopefully will lead to a better understanding of our relationship needs and foster greater respect moving forward.
A wise man once said, “We teach people how to treat us by the things we accept.”
If something a friend has done causes you to feel betrayed or offended, speak up, gently. Don’t let wounds fester, or suffer in silence. There are far too many people carrying grudges against others who have no idea what they’ve done wrong, and as such, they can‘t apologize or correct their behavior.
Most importantly, remember that not keeping your word can cause you to lose valued friendships.
And more often than not, it’s really not worth the gamble.
Best friends image via Shutterstock
About Jennifer Brown Banks
Jennifer Brown Banks is an award-winning blogger, ghost writer and relationship columnist. Her work has been featured at: PRO BLOGGER, Men With Pens, Write to Done, and other top sites. Visit her "Top 25" Writing Blog at http://penandprosper.blogspot.com/.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
So sorry to hear that your celebrations were a bit challenging. I agree, society as a whole today defines things differently, and while you might think you are on the “same page” with someone, you often are not. It does make things more interesting. There’s so much potential out there for character development, isn’t there?
My Mom taught me a vast array of manners, including the real meaning of RSVP – respond whether you are going or not. I’m very thankful that she instilled this into my sisters and me. For the record, if I tell you I’ll bring chocolate chip cookies to your next event, I will do the very same. Unless of course I call to tell you I cannot attend. 🙂 Thanks for the tips and insight!
I would like to add sometimes people just don’t like to go to huge gatherings. Personally, sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t. I prefer smaller gatherings or one-on-one time spent with my friends as opposed to going to a party. For some people it is overwhelming. They aren’t trying to be rude. So if a friend wasn’t able to make it you should considering doing something else with them. Maybe lunch or dinner? Just an idea!
Jennifer, I’m sure many of us share your angst when things go awry in a planned event. It can make you seethe and you don’t want to! But perhaps the speaking up served to open up – some eyes. Sounds like you have excellent coping mechanisms on your side. Really enjoyed reading this! PS: You CANNOT be 38 X 2.
Sue,
Thanks so much for the feedback. Much appreciated! 🙂
Peace Within,
I can dig it. And I agree with you about sometimes preferring small gatherings, but the key here is that friends should just be courteous and provide a definite response one way or the other (and honor it). No pressure. 🙂
Thanks for your thoughts today.
Karen,
I can definitely attest that you practice what you preach. I am very grateful for your reliability and personal integrity, friend. Now… about ‘dem cookies…LOL
No dearest, I’m not. 🙂 But I like that age, (38) so I decided to keep it. It’s a woman’s prerogative, right? 🙂
I agree that people define “friendship” differently but no matter the relationship, the absolute least anyone can do is call. I feel you on this one. This irks me, too.
Yes! And I might just adapt this ploy. Heh, heh.
I don’t think that people define friendships differently – nobody would call what happened “friendly” in this case, for example. The problem is our individual weaknesses of character. We can’t be 100% perfect in all situations in any kind of a relationship. It’s dangerous to expect someone to do everything the way you’d like them to – to give you moral support, constructive criticism, emergency loan and call back when needed too. There’s always going to be a situation where the other person slips, according to your understanding. I’d say the key thing for a lasting friendship is to accept your friend the way they are and not to expect anything from them. Or at the very least to forgive them if they are not up to your expectations sometimes.
Thanks for sharing, Pauline.
Matthew 16:19
Good stuff Jennifer. I would also add: Be willing to let some of your friendships run their natural course. Not all friendships are supposed to last a lifetime. Some friendships are in our life for a season and then die out or move on from us as a process of life. Know that you got what you needed from that person, or vise versa and now it’s time to move forward.
Dino,
Excellent input. You are so right here. I appreciate your time and perspective.
“I’m Still here.” I received your message and am most grateful. 🙂
Thanks so much, Marcie!
Jennifer, this is a great article. It is a busy world in which we live, but there is no excuse for ill mannered people. Moving on or in a new direction is part of growing and changing.
Thanks so much for weighing in on this one, Linda. I truly value your time and input.
A really beautiful article that has rung so true to me. My parents instilled quality traits and so I have always had high hopes of reciprocation. How wrong I have been, to
my detriment. I have given and given, not to receive, but on occasion would nice. I am incredibly reliable. I realise NO ONE is as reliable as me. If I receive a text, I immediately reply. Yet I have a friend who ignores my texts just so that she has full control. I work
more hours than all my friends, yet I always have time to organise a coffee or night out. I have been manipulated and I always concede. I never leave any friends out when organising something, yet I would hear how they got together without inviting me. I have always put on event after event whilst never reciprocated. I would ask friends to bring a plate to my event, even though I would put on most of the food and they wouldn’t share their plate, as it would be only for them! I had one friend turn up to an Easter egg hunt, empty handed, let her boy loose in my garden, as he was the eldest, scooped up majority of the eggs from all the little ones, then when he had so many chocolate eggs that he couldn’t carry anymore in his shopping bag, which took all of 20 mintues, as she finished her drink, they then left to go to another party! I have taken on other’s children so they can have play dates, again never reciprocated. I have story after story of my disappointment. It’s fair to say I am extremely giving, perhaps to a fault (or is it a fault? Of mine or theirs?) So after many years, close to 10, I realise how tired I am of giving. Now I have decided to be a little more selfish. Because after all, that is what they are… selfish. After years of fighting it and my thoughts, I have decided to walk away, because quite honestly, I don’t want any more disappointment and hurt. In honestly, whilst I have tried, I no longer want to accept them as they are and surprisingly I’m okay with the lose. I am moving house to a new area. I am choosing to creatively seek new friendships and I am relishing a new future with those I want to give to. I can’t wait.
Thanks so much for sharing this, Mel. Self preservation is crucial to living more fully. I wish you wonderful things on your new journey. 🙂
Wonderful article but I am hearing a lot of take and not a lot of give from your side. I had a friend who always asked me for favors and it was exhausting. If I was simply going for a coffee with her she’d think of something I could pick up for her on my drive over. I felt used and that my “bags of ice for drinks” or “tulip arrangements” were more essential than my presence and support, and as much as I wanted to help, I found it hard managing my own to-do lists, nevermind someone else’s. We’re all busy and I agree with others that it’s best to keep your expectations low, or reasonable. I rarely ask for favors and if I do, it’s something my friends already have on hand and doesn’t require them to work for me as I know that they are very busy with their own lives, and I’m simply grateful to be with them.
I agree with you R.W. If I was throwing a party for myself I certainly wouldn’t ask my friends to “donate” the food. I would imagine that if friends truly adored you, they’d through a party in your honor willingly. If I throw my own party by choice because I want things a certain way then I’m expecting way to much if I think my friends owe it to me to bring food and help. I think the author here needs to think about what kind of friend she is to others. A demanding one?
I don’t see Jenifer expecting “perfection. ” The only person who would see these people’s behavior as acceptable, is someone who is as wishy-washy as they are. If we cannot expect reliability and respect from people, then they are not our “friends.” They are merely acquaintances.
I don’t know where you found so many “friends” like this, but you are clearly better off without such people in your life. Having said that, I had a girlfriend who was constantly in your position. To those looking from outside, it is usually utterly obvious that the “abused” person in these relationships is an enabler, who allows herself to be walked on again and again, to get nothing in return. You have two choices: you ditch such people, or you put your foot down, regarding what sort of treatment you think you deserve. In my experience, if you do the latter, these people will naturally disappear from your life. Don’t be a luscious host, and the parasites will not set up house!
Absolutely. Those who support the behavior of Jen’s friends are probably unreliable themselves. There is common decency and respect for others, and then there is not.
Then of course they should say so in the first place, or make up an excuse, rather than promise to attend and help, and then not do so, without giving any notice. Not like large gatherings is fine; breaking promises with no notice is not.
We are totally free to expect whatever we want from the world and people, but we shouldn’t forget that it was our own choice and that this choice can lead to our pain, when something goes not the way we chose to expect. Nothing was said about accepting behavior. I was talking about accepting people. See the difference.
This is so good. I cried on my 27th birthday as I sat in the karaoke bar with a list of friends that didn’t show. I think in an age of “social media” people click “interested” or “attending” without really thinking about whether they intend to or not. We hid behind computers. I know I am guilty of this. I have a boyfriend who is BIG on keeping your words and your plans. In my new yoga business it’s a big deal when 17 people say they are coming and 3 show. It matters. You can’t count on the person next to you to show because they might be counting on you.