“Love is not what you say. Love is what you do.” ~Unknown
I used to think that true love should be passionate and intense. When someone broke up with me or treated me poorly, I’d imagine that he really didn’t mean it. Surely he was really a good person and truly loved me, but was just “going through something” or “needed space.” Eventually he’d be back with tears, apologies, and flowers.
I’d like to say I outgrew this tendency by the age of, well, maybe forty, but the fact is I didn’t.
Instead, I carried a torch for a recently divorced man, who couldn’t stick around for more than eight weeks at a time, for more than a year. Each time he returned, he’d tell me how much he missed me and how much I meant to him, and I loved to hear it.
Before him, I took well over a year off from dating anyone seriously because my ex-boyfriend might decide he wanted me back, and he called every month or so to check in. When he did this, I’d get thrown straight back into the drama of it all and second-guess my decision to end our relationship. After all, he said he loved me.
And the man before that, well, you get the idea.
This was all very exciting compared to my life at the office. It was very distracting as well. I’d spend hours googling self-help blogs and texting my girlfriends with the latest updates on “the guy” instead of doing my work.
Let’s face it, relationship drama can pull you right in. It demands your attention immediately. It’s so intense to get a text in the middle of the night or to navigate the ups and downs of a stormy relationship. On again, off again, always waiting for a call or text. Will he or won’t he? Will you or won’t you?
We modern humans no longer live in caves or have life and death struggles on a regular basis. Most of us live fairly routine lives in comfortable homes and have our physical needs met. Sometimes, you can get addicted to drama because it gives you a buzz of excitement that a regular old nine-to-five lifestyle just can’t.
A shot of adrenaline can help us wake up to life and get motivated. Things like climbing a mountain, signing up for a triathlon, or a tight deadline help us get fired up.
Taking on a new challenge from time to time can help us feel like we’re going somewhere in life. If we don’t do this, regular doses of relationship drama can provide a distraction. An unstable relationship may be exciting at first, but it can eventually become draining.
A turbulent relationship can sap your energy and your confidence. You never quite know where you stand with this person, and it wears down your sense of stability and security. It can bleed into the rest of your life and damage your other relationships, your career, or even your health.
If you’re involved in a troubled relationship, it can be all-encompassing. It’s also very tempting to adopt the role of the savior because you get to be the “together” person, the responsible one.
If you’ve been living on a steady diet of relationship drama, it’s time for a reality check. Ask yourself how this situation is serving you. Blaming the other person and hoping that they will change isn’t helpful, because you’re the one who’s tolerating these circumstances in your life.
Being willing to accept responsibility for the situation you’re in is the first step to a more fulfilling love life.
Ask yourself what kind of relationship you want to have. Take some time and journal about it. How do you want to feel? What is your day-to-day experience like? Is that kind of relationship possible with the person you’re with (or considering) now? Not when or if they finally change. Now.
When I asked myself these questions, I saw that I wanted to be loved and to feel safe. I wanted to know that my significant other was “all in” with me, not halfway out the door. I came to recognize that I wasn’t choosing men who were willing to have this kind of relationship with me.
I also realized that once I discovered that this was the case with a particular person, I was very reluctant to let him go. Instead, I’d hang on for far too long in the hopes that things would get better, which they never did.
Once you’ve considered these questions for yourself, consider what changes you’ll need to make in order to have the kind of relationship you want.
I came to understand that I’d have to give up the idea that drama was an indicator of true love. The kinds of relationships that I previously would have considered “boring” were, in fact, desirable. I found more healthy ways of adding excitement to my life.
The man I married is dependable and reliable. I can always count on him to keep his promises and I know he adores me. I couldn’t be happier.
From our very first conversation on, I never had any doubts or had to wait for him to change or “come around”. He made his feelings for me very clear from the get-go and I always knew where I stood with him.
I always feel safe with him and we go hiking and mountain climbing instead of breaking up every few weeks.
If you really want to have a fulfilling relationship, then it’s time to make choices that are consistent with your desire. This can be difficult, because people often consider drama an indicator of love or passion, but it doesn’t have to be that way.
You can choose to see drama for what it is, an indicator of an unstable relationship. Once you do this, commit to dating people who are capable of having a healthy relationship.
Doing these things will drastically increase your chances of having a fulfilling relationship.

About Renée Suzanne
Renée Suzanne is a coach for smart, successful women who want to find love. Her two books, Beloved – How to Go from Relationship Challenged to Relationship Ready and Ten Things You Can Do to Upgrade Your Love Life are available on Amazon. She also has over 150 inspiring videos on her YouTube channel. Want more love in your life? Check out her free course at reneesuzannecoaching.com. You can also follow her on Facebook.
A drama free relationship… Some days as I observe the relationships around me I wonder if its possible.
The other day I was asked what qualities I looked for in a partner. The first thing that came to mind was someone who didn’t panic when encountering relationship concerns. I suspect that most relationship drama starts from a place of panic.
“Life is ten percent what you experience and ninety percent how you respond to it.” ― Dorothy M. Neddermeyer
I love this
You nailed me on this one. I totally look for something to break up the old nine to five and it’s usually a new beau..nice fresh perspective. Thank you!!
I got taken away from the lady I love. Held against my will and had to work against the odds to be with her again. I am working at this point to be with her again. When i was able to be with her i had found i was not the only thing in our life that had been taken away. I will probably mess this up and will stumble skip hop and do all i can to find a way to make sure we have all we need to be happy a place for us and everything. Be nice to have all back that was taken truth is having her is the most impirtant the rest will come and yet today she does not even know the have of what has already been done and what is in the works to come. I have more to do and want to share everything and step I make with you making it evey step we make on our way. I did not file for assistance since she has been with me and we file together. Sadly we lost an amazing fun loving little boy we both love and since he was taken from us no fault of hers he as i have had difficulties being social and developing learning and growing. Sadly this I am sure is do to being seperated as me and my lady have noticed that when he was taken we lost a part of our relationship. Loving her loving him and being loved by eachother made our familly. We as a familly she should remember. X box turn on.
Your quote is from The Road Less Travelled by M Scott Peck.
As much as I read such posts and some resonate more than others but this resonated so completely I was compelled to tell you. You have described something so accurately that I thought others wouldn’t understand. Thank you x
I totally concur. I thought I found someone who was all the things mentioned in the article. No games, totally open and wanting to be with me. Until things got a bit rocky and he totally regressed. At least i’m getting closer but I just find it hard to find someone willing to accept a partner with ALL their qualities, not just when things are going well.
Oh! My! Goodness! I believe you are speaking my language. I allowed the drama to continue with this one man for years. It took really looking into myself and who I was and what I wanted, what I knew I deserved, before I finally took the plunge and ended the relationship. Thank you for this post. I feel vindicated now. Where’s my chocolate??
I’m sooooo happy for you. Your thoughts are very helpful to me. I’m a gay man who bought ticket from USA to Asia to visit a guy I met while we were both on vacation in Spain last summer. We “dated” during our two week trip. He asked me to come visit and then cancelled a few weeks after I bought my tickets. He now wants to meet up in the USA when he’s here for work, and I was leaning to YES but your article says “no”. Thanks so much.
I am currently going through a breakup and have been feeling anxious and sad. Second guessing myself and wondering if I had made a mistake. This article has assured me that I am going in the right direction and that I must be willing to ask myself the tough questions. I’m realizing that for a long time, I lied to myself about so many things so that I could keep the ‘relationship’ going. Thank you for this great article which serves as a reminder that we are responsible for our own happiness and to be in alignment with yourself is the basis for that.
You’re so very welcome! You can do this.
I’m so glad this helped you! You deserve to have a wonderful relationship with someone who treats you well.
Yes!! Rock on! 🙂
You’re so very welcome! 🙂
Thank you!
You’re very welcome. I’m so glad you enjoyed it.
Thanks Amber!
Life does get rocky at times. It’s only possible to see how someone responds to these things by spending time with them. There are no shortcuts, although good honest conversations help a lot.
I can assure you that it is possible. Your past experiences or even your current surroundings do not have to dictate your future.
I have been through enough drama in the past and I thought I was over that. But I feel again. And this time with a guy who looks like he has enough drama but doesn´t want a relationship based on that. So he said goodbye and until he can solve some long held issues he won´t be available. Drama again!!! Luckily I will journal and ask myself those questions.
I looooved when you said you didn´t want “boring” relationships. Me too. I am scared of boring. I would prefer stable, reliable, and human as well of course. That means I should be alos stable and reliable, and that´s when I have to start looking at myself more. Thank you!!