When I was growing up, my parents never spoke to me about what I “deserved.” They spoke to me a lot about what was “expected.” They were very clear about that.
They expected me to be tough, hard-working, well-read, and smart. They expected me to help others, especially those struggling on the margins. They sent me to work in impoverished parts of the world, so I would realize I was very lucky and really had nothing to complain about. They expected me to go to church every week, to be honest, to help my brothers, my cousins, my community. They expected me to hold my head up and keep walking forward no matter what.
They expected me to stand up when they walked into a room, something I continued through their dying days. The list of their expectations went on and on. And along the way, their expectations of me slowly became my own.
But over time, another word crept into my life. Slowly at first, even timidly, because for me the word and the concept felt foreign, maybe even embarrassing.
That word was deserve. To think you “deserve” something when others have so little felt arrogant and selfish—as in, Who do you think you are? I got that message from my parents.
But I’ve come to understand that there is power in the idea of deserving.
For example, if you’re a hard worker, you deserve to be appreciated and respected by those you work with. That’s not asking too much. And if you work a lot, you deserve rest. My parents wouldn’t like me saying that, but it’s true. Resting your body and your mind isn’t lazy, it’s being smart. You and your body deserve to rest, so you can be healthy. Emotionally and physically—and then work some more! (That’s the part my parents would like!)
You deserve to be treated kindly by your friends, family, and significant others. As I say to my kids over and over, “Your siblings deserve your respect.” And as I say to their friends, “So do I. So stand up when I come into the room, look me in the eye when you talk to me, and don’t you dare text at the dinner table!” I realize that if we don’t treat ourselves as if we deserve these things, it’s hard for others to see that actions like those are important.
So what do you deserve? That’s up to you. I can only answer with what I have come to believe I deserve.
I deserve to be happy. Much of that is in my control, but just knowing that I deserve it has helped me be happier. And being treated kindly and respectfully starts with how I treat myself.
I deserve to rest and take breaks. That’s why I go to Cape Cod every now and then for a few days. I’m not yet at the place where I can say I deserve a really long vacation, but I’m working toward that “deserve.”
I’m no longer embarrassed to admit I deserve these things, too: I deserve to live in a safe place. I deserve to love and be loved. I deserve the right to dream again. Yes, I do. Dreams are not just for twenty-somethings. Dreams are for all of us at any age.
I deserve to grieve in the manner that works for me. If that’s longer than others would like, so be it. I deserve to have people around me who tell me the truth, lift me up, want the best for me. I deserve to take time for myself. If that’s to read, take a nap, go out to lunch with friends, that’s fine.
I deserve to laugh as much as I want.
I deserve to not know. That’s right. Until I know, I deserve to be unsure or uncertain of how I feel about something or someone. It’s okay. I deserve to express my opinions, and I don’t deserve (nor, by the way, does anyone else) to be attacked for what I said, for who I am, for what I believe. I deserve the right to change my beliefs once I’ve seen they hurt me or hold me down, or when I discover a better way.
The list goes on, and it can also grow and change. In fact, I expect it to. I hope it will. I deserve that.
I write all this in the hope that you will think about what you deserve. I hope you will allow space in your life and your mind to have this conversation with yourself way earlier than I had mine. It’s not selfish or arrogant. It’s a way to be kind and loving to yourself.
This thing called life is a magical journey. I find it doesn’t always make sense. It’s filled with uncertainty, joy, struggle, surprises, disappointments, and rewards. It isn’t always fair or clean and neat. You deserve to design it the way it works for you and then redesign it if you want to.
That’s what I’ve come to expect. That’s what I’ve learned I deserve.
Now go have a great day. You deserve it!
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From I’VE BEEN THINKING… by Maria Shriver Reprinted by arrangement with Pamela Dorman Books / Viking, an imprint of Penguin Random House LLC. Copyright © 2018 by Maria Shriver
About Maria Shriver
Maria Shriver is the mother of four, a Peabody Award-winning and Emmy Award-winning journalist and producer, the author of seven New York Times bestselling books, an NBC News Special Anchor, and founder of The Women’s Alzheimer’s Movement. The essays from Maria’s NY Times bestselling new book I’ve Been Thinking… originated in her popular digital newsletter, The Sunday Paper, which is curated "for people with passion and purpose" and delivered free every Sunday.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
Great article, but what’s the deal with standing up when the parent walks into the room? Unless you’re an officer speaking to soldiers, that seems a bit… excessive? I’m all for respect but standing up for the parents seems more like putting the children on a lowly or “less than” level. It doesn’t seem very respectful to THEM, or sound like much of an empowering message. And on a more humorous note, what if the parent keeps walking in and out of the room? Do the kids have to keep standing up and sitting down, standing up and sitting down? : )
That was so awesome. I grew up with Expectations too. So exhausting trying to live up to that. So happy to be grown, happy, and know that I do deserve respect, kindness, and freedom to be me. It is so important to respect your children and leave the expectations out of the equation. Thank you for again validating my worthiness. I can now say that I am in charge of my happiness!
Wise Words.
Wow, I have never seen an article about deserving, yet it totally resonated with me. I too, to this day, can NOT wrap my head around the idea of deserving anything. I feel that whatever comes into my life, is just what it is. I might think that I deserve to eat and be warm and have shelter, but even then, I feel guilty for being so blessed while others are starving and homeless. Crazy stuff. Thanks for your article.
Great post Maria and thank you for bringing a new perspective to a topic with a negative stigma. I also grew up with expectations, never nurtured to understand I “deserve” certain things in life. I believe it is a healthy balance to achieve such an understanding.
Live whole… Live well… Live happy.
Wonderful post Maria. I see it as being open to all life has to offer us. If I am open, deserving is automatic. Expectation closes me off to 1 possibility, or outcome, versus Infinite, and expecting also moves you into an unworthy non deserving energy in more cases than not. Be happy. Be grateful. Be present. Be open.
Ryan
I didn’t get the concept of deserving until I got sober. Come to think of it, there was A LOT I didn’t get until I got sober. But I do believe now that I deserve respect, kindness, love. And knowing that I deserve those things has convinced me even more that EVERYONE else deserves them, too.
I had to do that. Also I was sent from the dinner table if I did not put my napkin in my lap. Control, control, control.
Well said Ryan!
Wow, you must have felt tense all the time. Like you had to be proper little soldiers. I’m sorry. It must have been difficult for you.
Thank you so much for this Maria, this is so empowering and impactful. I love myself more now and I am so excited to give myself the things I deserve.