“Those who suffer from mental illness are stronger than you think. We must fight to go to work, care for our families, be there for our friends, and act ‘normal’ while battling unimaginable pain.” ~Unknown
It’s strange having a panic attack while surrounded by people. I’m experiencing something so private and so personal, but unless I externalize it, they are completely unaware. It’s almost an art to be able to hide it—to train myself well enough to function in front of others to the point that, if I do reveal to them the nature of my anxiety, they reply, “I had no idea.”
If you’ve never experienced a panic attack, they are almost impossible to explain. But I’m going to try.
Panic attacks are often pre-verbal, animalistic, and very, very private. No two people experience a panic attack in the same way.
It’s not always rocking back and forth in the fetal position (though I’ve been there). Some people zone out and become almost catatonic. Some can’t breathe. Some have chest pains. Some become aggressive. What happens to all of us, though, when we have a panic attack is the feeling or thought that either something catastrophic is about to happen or we are going to die. And as far-fetched as it sounds, I can assure you that it is very, very real.
It often starts with feeling dizzy or woozy. The room doesn’t spin, but I feel off. Like the earth is tilting. My blood runs cold and I get a chill up my spine. I feel like I’m going to pass out. The thoughts that run through my head are almost incomprehensible—a steady stream of screeching and wailing. My brain flips its switch and I go from being able to think and function logically to oh god I’m going to die I’m about to die I have to get out of here I’m going to die this is it oh god oh no no no no.
I have to sit down, or I have to walk, depending on how close I am to fainting. Typically, my fight/flight/freeze response is flight, so I usually want to get the f*ck out of there—wherever “there” is. I want to be alone, but I’m terrified of being alone.
No one can see me like this.
What if I pass out? What if I die? Will anyone find me?
But what if it’s just a panic attack? Then you’ll feel stupid.
Should I get help? Should I call 911?
I walk out if I can, and if not, I fake needing to go to the bathroom and text my husband.
I’m about to pass out. I don’t know what to do. I’m freaking out. Can you come home?
I’m crying by this point and I’m having a hard time taking a deep breath. I hug myself and rock if I’m sitting down or I shift my weight from leg to leg if I’m standing up. My throat is closing. Everything is too loud and too bright. I’m pinging between sheer panic and despair.
When I’m on the panic side of the spectrum, I go off instinct. My instinct is to escape. When I’m on the despair side of the spectrum, I’m able to form thoughts. Real sh*tty thoughts.
What is happening? Is this a panic attack or am I dying? Am I going to faint? Do I have a heart problem? What if it’s something really bad that’s undiagnosed? I haven’t eaten anything in a few hours, maybe it’s diabetes. HOW CAN EVERYONE ACT SO NORMAL CAN’T THEY SEE I’M DYING???
I flip-flop between panic and despair for the duration of the attack. It never lasts longer than ten minutes, but the effects of it last the rest of the day. I’m exhausted, but I’m on guard in case it comes back. I’m wary. Is this just a random panic attack or am I about to go through another season of hell?
I know it can be hard to imagine a panic attack if you’ve never had one. It gets portrayed in a humorous way on TV, usually involving breathing into a paper bag, and it can seem a little dramatic. I’ve had someone tell me that they used to think people who had panic attacks were weak (why couldn’t they just pull themselves together and snap out of it?) until they had one themselves.
If you’ve never had a panic attack, first I want to thank you for reading this far. Either you love someone who has had panic attacks, or you’re genuinely curious, and both make you an awesome person. Let me paint a picture for you.
Imagine you’re driving your car in the mountains of Tennessee. It’s a sunny day and you’re listening to your favorite band as you steer your car around the bends. You’re enjoying the ride and thinking about your family or friends or whoever you’re going to see.
Then, out of nowhere, your power steering goes out and you plow straight through the railing. You grab the e-brake just in time, but the front end of your car is hanging off the mountain and the back tires are hanging by the railing you ran over. One wrong move and your car will slide off of the edge toward a 200-foot drop, and you will die.
Do you try to climb out of the back? Do you sit still and wait for rescue? Do you accept your fate? What do you do? The car seems to be sliding forward slowly. Or is it? It’s hard to tell. You can’t think. You have to get out of here, but you can’t move. You’re helpless.
This is a panic attack. It comes out of nowhere usually, which makes it so cruel. We aren’t expecting it. We are living life. Then, in a matter of a second, we truly feel that we are on the brink of death. I can’t stress enough just how utterly real this feels to us.
Our bodies believe we are about to die. Our brains send a flood of adrenaline into our bloodstream. Our heart beats fast, sending more blood to our muscles. Our breathing becomes shallower, allowing us to take in more oxygen. Our blood sugar spikes and our senses sharpen. Our body is trying to help us confront danger or get out of harm’s way, but it doesn’t realize that there is no real danger.
That’s why panic attacks are so exhausting. We are having a near death experience. We aren’t facing the reality of death, but we are facing our perception of it.
Eventually, it passes. It always does. We are left feeling drained or numb or depressed or ashamed. I tend to get angry.
This is BULLSH*T. I HATE this. Why does this keep happening? I was a therapist, for Christ’s sake. I should not have panic attacks. F*CK THIS.
We recover, though, and that’s exactly why people who have panic attacks are warriors. We fight battles every day. We know the nature of The Beast. We don’t always know when he’ll strike, but we know that we will survive whatever he throws at us. We’ve faced death in our own way, and it hasn’t beaten us yet. We survived the last panic attack, and we’ll survive the next one. We have no choice.
About Haley West
Haley is a writer, artist, business owner, mental health advocate, mom, and wife. She’s got a thing for dogs, books, Jesus, psychology, plants, and Harry Potter. It’s her hope that her words can move you, comfort you, empower you, humor you, inspire you, give you hope, and make you feel less alone. Check her out on Facebook and on her website at haleyhardinwest.com.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
I have bad panic attacks with severe weather….. lots of anxiety that causes my panic attacks about tornadoes in particular because of what I see on the news about the south or mid-atlantic. Always causes me to feel dizzy or spacey. I’m on my 5th (or so) years since I developed panic attack in the spring/summer. But maybe this year I won’t because I am not going to “investigate” on the subject of tornadoes.
Awesome article!! Thank you. You described it perfectly!
Thank you so much for the response, Susan!
So sorry that you’ve had such an intimate experience with panic attacks, Catherine! I keep Ativan on me in case of emergencies. I’ve accepted that living anxiety-free isn’t realistic for me, but managing it so that I can still have a full life is!
Hi Theresa! I also have an article about helping someone who struggles with these here: http://haleyhardinwest.com/mental-health/comforting-someone-with-an-anxiety-disorder/
My late husband used to just hold me tight, an unusual response from a man. Men generally want to “fix” things. Don’t underestimate the power of a hug.
I SUFFERED with panic disorder for 20+ years. Back in those days they treated this disorder with lots of meds to flat line your emotions for a 6+ month period of time so your autonomic nervous system can heal. Then they slowly wean you off. By that time your brain can start functioning and your body remembers what normal is. This got me on track to healing, but it took years to get to the point where I didn’t have an attack daily. I won’t go anywhere without Xanax in my purse, just in case. It’s a great drug, however it’s extremely addictive. I’m now panic free, but still have minor anxiety issues, but I can live with that. Panic attacks are a living hell and don’t wish them on my worst enemy.
Thanks for posting great info, but what can we do as a friend when someone experiences this, how can we help them?
You described them so perfectly. I’m sharing this with my husband who’s never had one but hears about mine and you’re right, they’re so hard to explain, but you did great!
Vividly remember my first panic attack almost exactly as you described it.
Thankful they don’t happen often and tended to be related to social occasions.
Once I better understood what was happening it became a easier to notice triggers and deal with the anxiety before it became a full on panic.
Thanks for the article
Spot on, spot on, spot on! I’m going to save and share this.
Thank you for posting this. There is nothing more empowering than knowing one is not alone or a freak of nature or a “head case”. I suffered as a young child and right up to mature adulthood. My experience was a little different to that described by you. Yes, I would feel it starting with a shadow of dread followed by a sickening nausea and inexplicable fear of vomiting in public, at work or in social situations. The fear of course, lead to more nausea which lead to more fear etc. in an ever-increasing spiral of panic that would culminate in my pacing the house or garden searching for distraction and release. These sessions would often last for hours, sometimes all night as I lay in bed trying to breathe evenly, not vomit and stop the uncontrollable shaking and anger with myself for not being able to alleviate my self-induced suffering. Oftentimes I would wrack my brain for a logical explanation for the attack and find none. In later years as I searched for treatments, answers and relief (predominantly of a natural or Holistic nature) I would inevitably conclude that I had been negligent in my self-care. The “answer” seemed to stem from a childhood with a mother who suffered with her own demons and a great deal of my issues were “learned behaviors”. I also discovered during therapy that my morbid fear of vomiting stemmed from an inappropriate response to childhood car sickness by my Mother. Now, at nearly 60 and having survived an entire year after the death of my beloved husband from a short but devastating illness, I am relatively free from panic attacks and attribute this to a combination of psychological help, natural therapies such as homeopathy, aromatherapy, yoga, mindfulness and meditation. I hope everyone affected by this inexplicable affliction finds their own answers and helpful modalities.
when I have attacks they aren’t really about dying but some real intense not true though takes over my head. I can’t think or process it or even explain it. I love how you explain them it makes complete sense
I look at my panic attacks as a ride. I didn’t buy a ticket for the ride, I don’t know how I got on the ride and I don’t know when the ride will end. What I do know is that I have to try and remember all my coping skills to hang on until the ride ends. White-knuckle it if I have to. Get outside for fresh air. Sit down and rest til it passes. Trust me, hardly anyone will know you are riding out a panic attack if you sit down and stare at your feet. I have passed out before so I make sure that I put my body in a safe place. Sit on the floor or a chair if handy. Go to the restroom and sit. Put a cold, damp paper towel on the back of my neck. I have a long, long list of coping skills to hang onto until that ride finally stops.
I don’t have these, but my daughter does, which is why I came. (I do catastrophise in the dead of night though). Reading your article, it almost sounds like a sudden chemical imbalance in the body which the body reads as ‘terrible things’ and the thoughts follow. Is there any research about this that you know of?
I’m sorry but I fail to see the relevance of your input this discussion !
OMG! YES! YES! YES!! This is pretty on-point. Thank you! I could never put into words what it’s like, but you did a spectacular job!
That’s interesting because the last thing I want is to be touched or hugged. I feel constrained – almost claustrophobic. And normally I’m a very touchy feely person.
“..knowing one is not alone or a freak of nature or a “head case”
YES!!! 100%