“The obstacles of your past can become the gateways that lead to new beginnings.” ~Ralph Blum
Divorce. Not an activity that I ever had on my to-do list and not something I contemplated when I got engaged in Paris. Who does?
We’ve all heard the statistics that one in three marriages ends in divorce. Yet this is something that happens to someone else and certainly not a possibility to focus on while skipping down the aisle.
People change or they don’t, as the case may be. Unless both parties are exceptional communicators, it can be challenging to stay on the same page as time passes. The meltdown of my relationship was such a surreal experience and not something that I could have prepared for.
The vision of the future, with my husband playing a starring role, was completely shattered. All those plans, expectations, and assumptions were no longer relevant. That delightful man, once my best friend and lover rolled into one, was suddenly behaving like an unpleasant stranger.
It was the shock of this new situation each morning that brought me back to the reality that the present moment is the only guarantee. That concept was no longer a platitude but something that was agonizing and raw. The feelings of failure and betrayal were overwhelming.
Months of an avalanche of painful emotions brought me back in touch with deep self-inquiry. Yet another life experience to show me that the relationship with myself was the only guaranteed long-term relationship. Cliché as it sounds, the breakdown of my marriage was a breakthrough I’d been seeking.
I was forced to examine where we had been applying a Band-Aid solution to cover some deeper problems. This grieving processing of letting go of this man cracked me open and forced me into deep vulnerability. It was time for me to bring the focus back to me and ask myself some big questions.
Who am I outside of this relationship?
What’s important to me?
How do I suddenly stop loving him? (Is that even possible or necessary?)
When did I become so out of touch with how I feel?
How can I fulfill my own desires and potential?
Is there anything in my life I have been putting on hold?
What is best for me now?
Some of the answers to these questions were extremely painful to acknowledge. In the eleven years we were together I had been so focused on whether or not he was happy that I had forgotten to focus on making myself happy, to a degree.
A wise lady said to me, “Don’t worry about whether or not he’s fulfilling his potential. The question you need to ask yourself is, are you? That’s the only potential you can do anything about.”
However, I will always be grateful to my ex-husband for this soul contract. Divorce was my doorway to enter into a sacred partnership with myself.
It forced me into the unpleasant realization that I was very out of touch with my own needs.
I felt unsatisfied in my career, unsure as to whether I wanted to have a child, and unclear about my direction. I was regularly frustrated by how indecisive he seemed and yet he was a wonderful reflection.
I was far too focused on him and it was a perfect distraction. His actions forced me to examine my own levels of denial about my part in our relationship.
There I was, judging him for being dishonest, and yet I had not been honest with myself about being unhappy for a long time. How was that fair to him or me? We all know the answer.
I share these insights in the hope that you do not wait until a health crisis occurs or a relationship ends before you create a more loving relationship with yourself.
It is impossible to experience true intimacy with another if we are ignoring the needs of our own heart. How can we truly be with someone if we are avoiding ourselves?
So often in our intimate relationships, we are focused on what the other will provide in terms of emotional support. It is easy to point the finger, blame them for being disappointing and letting us down. Yet, are we willing to commit to ourselves?
Life is short and fragile, and we never know whether today is our last day. Bringing ourselves deeply back into our hearts allows us to choose our next steps from a place of self-love.
Close your eyes, breathe deeply, and ask yourself this important question: “What do I most need from me right now?”
It can take time to recover from the end of a long-term relationship and readjust to these life changes. I spent a long time processing painful emotions that arose and sadness I felt while adjusting.
There was deep self-reflection, even resulting in spending time at a retreat in Brazil. I stripped my life back to the bare essentials, withdrew from much socializing for a long time, and began to reacquaint myself with myself. I began to reinvest in the relationship with my own heart rather than seeking love from someone else’s.
The more we nourish ourselves, the more able we are to share this love with others from a place of surplus and not deficit. This brings such freedom and joy, both to ourselves and others. Is it time for you to commit to self-love?
About Michelle Marie McGrath
Michelle Marie McGrath is a Self-love Mentor. She coaches women who are committed to having a loving relationship with themselves. She has a particular interest in encouraging women who are childless to embrace their unlimited creative potential. Michelle creates Sacred Self’s self-love range of alchemical oils. You’ll find her meditating in the bath or on Bondi Beach. Visit her here.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Thanks, Michelle. This is well-timed for me, as I’m going through a divorce myself. It’s so hard to stay focused on anything with all of these emotions and focusing on yourself is a great place to start. Great advice and insight.
hi Longshot, wishing you all the best. It’s one of those experiences that I feel we can’t really prepare for. Very challenging, even if we feel it’s the right thing. So difficult with all of the emotions and feelings that bubble to the surface and can also change in a second. Be very kind to yourself. Lots of love xx
You could be speaking directly to me, right now. Thank you for this.
Reflection can be such a powerful teacher. As can learning to love one’s self through lifes challenges. How can we truly be with someone if we are avoiding ourselves? Indeed xo
The “present moment” being the only guarantee forces the question — what are people doing when they “promise” to love each other until death do them part. How can you possibly promise someone else how you’ll FEEL about them for the next 40-50 years? You can’t CONTROL HOW YOU FEEL!
Its surely a cynical point of view, but realistically people “in love” enough to commit marriage plans to action are as intoxicated as anyone under the most mind altering substances. Making a promise about how you’ll feel for the next 50 years in front of hundreds of people and ostensibly in front of “god” is among the most criminal things our culture inflicts on people; equivalent to being roaring drunk and signing the papers to a 30 year mortgage. Only worse as selling your house doesn’t involve turning your WHOLE life upside down.
We really need to stop and rethink our social institutions. I don’t believe its doing any of us any favors.
Thank you.
I really needed to read this at this present moment.
I think this is something that needs to be read by everyone, not just those going through a break up. It’s definitely good advice for preventing them.
you are welcome, love xx
Yes it’s valid that it’s more about continuing to choose to commit to a relationship each day (rather than on one day for x amount of years). None of us know what the future holds and we can only do our best at that time based on how we feel. Our feelings can change every second, which is all part of being human. Very interesting, thank you for your comments x
You are welcome love xx
Yes the benefit of hindsight is good but not much fun at the time. All part of life’s adventures isn’t it. Thanks x
Thanks Alyssa xx
Woooooooowwww!!! This was the perfect post for me to read at the perfect time, felt like this was written FOR ME! You are such a remarkable soul and a truly inspiring woman! thank you for sharing your story,your truth and yourself! x
This is timely for me, too, as I just got the keys to my apartment today and am spending my last night in “our” house tonight. My 16-year marriage has been on life support for years, and I finally got brave enough to end it so we both have a chance to find happiness for ourselves. It was the scariest thing I’ve ever done, and the past few weeks have been absolutely awful. But I’m proud of myself for deciding not to live the rest of my life in a marriage that was unfulfilling and unhealthy. Now that I’ve gotten a glimpse of life on my own I’m very excited to start focusing on myself for a change. I know there will be difficult times still ahead, but I feel stronger already.
Michelle this so speaks to me. Thankyou so much for sharing your insights + experiences. Coming face to face with myself after a painful breakup has been such a blessing in disguise. Much love to you for your journey inwards <3 xxx
Thank you so much Katie. I’m glad it resonated with you. It’s sometimes a bit confronting to be so open with these personal experiences but it’s worth it if even one person has benefitted. Love xx
Wow Kim, that is a huge step and extremely hard. You are so right though and you now have so many unlimited opportunities ahead of you. It IS very exciting and of course there will be days where it feels difficult, but listening to your own wisdom is the best thing you could have done. All the best for what I’m sure will be a fulfilling future for you, love mxx
Thank you Chelsea, I’m happy that spoke to you. There really are so many invaluable gifts on the other side of these experiences. Love xxx
There really are. Straight back home to the well of love that resides within:) xx
Thanks for sharing your experience. Am also on the way to this self-realization after 3 years of my marriage break-up . We were officially in relation for 6 years. It was unimaginably painful in the beginning that i thought there is no life after that , but Time is showing its power of healing . And i have made myself busy to indulge myself in the things and works i am interested in and tried to pull myself away from those things which reminded her, which was tough because everything sort of reminded her in the beginning as she was like my whole world. So i still got reminded of our moments together, i went crazy ( really to some extent that i was under psychiatric treatment for a month ) and eventually got tired of being melancholic. Then gradually i started questioning myself and i experienced all the stages of transformations in mind that you have mentioned. Two beggars cant keep begging lover from each other 🙂 So i decided to keep myself happy and give myself love. As it overwhelms, it would fall on somebody else to their happiness. Now i feel more strong and postive than ever. Good to know strong people like me out there, are with me. Thanks!
Dhilip, it’s very painful when we are experiencing that shock of then having to face up to life without that person. It really is a form of bereavement. We have no idea how painful that will be until we are going through it. Like you, it really made me question myself and I actually became quite depressed for a long time. That period really allowed me to reflect very deeply and also let go of many illusions about the nature of permanency and life. I’m so happy you focussed back on making yourself happy. Best wishes for the future, love xx
Thank you, I really needed this and you worded it so beautifully.
Thank you Amy, you are welcome love xx
What an amazing article. “A wise lady said to me, “Don’t worry about whether or not he’s fulfilling his potential. The question you need to ask yourself is, are you? That’s the only potential you can do anything about.”” should be taught to every schoolgirl no later than age 13.
I wonder how something can be organized so that every American girl under age 13 WILL be taught that. And turn male ownership and abuse of the female life around.
Seriously, haven’t we all endured Hootersworld long enough?
Thank you for this therapy.didn’t want to stop reading
This article didn’t resonate with me at all…
There is so much more to self love. But when a relationship ends I think self love is the final step in the ‘heart healing’ process. It’s difficult to love yourself right after a breakup. It’s definitely something that happens further down the track. (for me anyway).
Trump Brings Prestige to the Mail Order Bride Industry.
For years, International Marriage Services had to live with the stigma of being referred to as Mail Order Bride services. However, many consider the term “mail-order bride” derogatory and feel it demeans foreign women by comparing them to commodities for sale and falsely implying that (unlike local women), they exercise no judgment over the men they meet and would marry anyone from a relatively wealthy country. Even with the foreign women being labeled as mail order brides these companies have grown in popularity for the past two decades, largely due to the internet. The industry grew at such a fast pace it caught the attention of the US senator Maria Cantwell of Washington State, who in 2006 she pushed a bill through congress known as IMBRA or International Marriage Brokers Regulation Act. Although the intent of Senator Cantwell was clearly meant to put Foreign Bride Companies out of business by severely restricting how men communicate with foreign women. In the end, the companies flourished under the new regulations as these business quickly modified their business models.
Kenneth Agee, marketing Director for A Foreign Affair one of the largest so called Mail Order Bride Companies says, “We have always had to overcome this label. Since Trump announced his candidacy for president of the United States, the industry saw a significant increase in upscale business men looking for foreign brides. Once he became president, Trump made it the new status symbol of success to be married to an eastern European women. With First Lady Melanie Trump in the White House, opinions about foreign women have dramatically changed. Once men were scorned upon to be married to a women from Russian or the Ukraine, now is seen as prestigious. And we are seeing huge increase of men seeking foreign brides, our client base is up by more than 200% since Trump has taken office. This month alone we will be taking over 100 American men to the Ukraine, mostly very successful executives.” Beside online matchmaking, the company arranges group tours for men that will travel to countries throughout the world. During these tours the men will meet hundreds of pre-screened women during what A Foreign Affair calls “Social Events” or what Kenneth calls speed dating on steroids.
Critics say these women are just used as arm trophies for business men in America. That men take advantage of the women’s circumstances, both economical and geographical. Kenneth argues, “I would hardly say Melanie Trump has been taken advantage of or refer her to as a Mail Order Bride. Women choose just like the men choose, we are all adults and are responsible for our own choices. It is just that men in America have a good reputation for the way we treat women and how we take care of our families. This opens the door to the men to meet some of the most beautiful women in the world.”
Trump is not the only high profile person to marry a foreign women, Jeb Bush met his wife in Mexico. Rupert Murdoch former CEO of Fox News married Wendi Deng from China, and the list goes on.
If Trump accomplishes nothing else during his presidency he has clearly helped one Industry.
I am so glad that I read this post. It is so frightening to know the reality yet I did not have a fulfilling life and more importantly I was so ignorant of my feelings while in a relationship that I forgot what I needed from me. Thanks for making me realize that it’s us responsible for making us feel happy and it does not lie on anyone else’s hand.