“Love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for to be what they choose for themselves without any insistence that they satisfy you.” ~Wayne Dyer
When I married my ex, he had the potential to be a fantastic husband.
If I’m to be honest with you, that’s why I married him—I thought he could eventually be everything I wanted in a partner. I’m not proud of it.
To be fair, he had a lot going for him. He was handsome and creative. He was generous and romantic. My ex was a true gentleman. He dressed well and he was more grown-up than any man I’d dated before.
He knew how to adult, and I found that wildly attractive.
Still, there was an edge to him that didn’t feel quite right—at least, not to me. His sweeping gestures felt inauthentic more often than not, but try telling your friends you want to break up with a guy because he left a mixed tape sitting on the windshield of your car, or because he wrote you a love poem, or because he insisted on giving up his seat to one of your (male) friends.
“You’re just not used to being loved,” they’d tell me, and so I second-guessed myself and focused, instead, on letting the love in.
Just two or so months into our relationship, he asked a business acquaintance of mine how much money he earned a year.
I just about died.
Had he blurted this question out in a moment of thoughtlessness, I wouldn’t have made a meal out of it, but that wasn’t the case. He asked this question because he felt it was a perfectly reasonable question to ask.
Right there and then I thought, nope, this isn’t going to work. My boundaries are here. His are way over there. We are not compatible. I told him as much, but he had one mission and one mission only: to love me.
“Don’t worry,” he assured me. “I’d have no problem if someone asked me what my salary was, but I get that it makes you uncomfortable, so I won’t ask questions like that anymore.”
Of course, he did. He continued to operate within his comfort zone, which was well outside of mine. Time and time again I expressed my discomfort. Time and time again he promised to accommodate. And time and time again, I stifled concerns that he wasn’t the one for me and just hoped that he would eventually rise to the challenge I presented to him.
For ten years, I challenged my ex to be the husband I wanted him to be.
One capable of following basic social protocols. One that was quick-witted and fast on the uptake. I wanted him to take greater interest in our long-term financial well-being, to release people from his hugs when they seemed uncomfortable, to make his public displays of affection less public. The list went on.
Damn it, I knew he had the potential to be and do all of the above and more. He had the potential to be an outstanding partner but, to me, he wasn’t, despite my pleas and despite his well-intentioned promises.
One day he proclaimed that he didn’t feel like himself when he was in my company.
“How long have you felt this way?” I asked.
“For about ten years,” he answered. About one year less than the entire duration of our relationship.
“When did you figure this out?” I asked. “Last week,” he explained. He’d been standing in the park opposite our suburban house, chatting with a bunch of suburban women and feeling totally at ease with himself—until I came along.
The moment I joined the crowd, he said, he began to feel uncomfortable. Like he could no longer just be himself. I felt sick, yet I understood.
How could he possibly have felt at ease in my company when I was constantly wishing he were someone else? Obviously, he couldn’t. While I took ownership of my role in this situation, I still felt buckets of rage over his.
Why, oh why, hadn’t he told me where to shove my expectations?
We were both to blame.
Shortly after this conversation, I located a phone bill that had mysteriously gone missing. This bill put the final nail in our coffin. From it, I learned that my ex had been making daily (sometimes twice-daily) phone calls to another woman, my daughter’s caretaker.
If you think this is about to take a sordid twist, I’ll tell you right now, this isn’t one of those husband-leaves-wife-for-hot-young-nanny stories.
She, the caregiver, was a married, church-going mother of three who was just a few years my junior. While a physical attraction was likely one of the things that drew him to her, I’m guessing the bigger attraction was the freedom she gave him to be himself.
If only I understood then what I understand now. You can’t base a marriage on potential.
My ex had the potential to be who I wanted him to be, but the desire to be himself was stronger. Similarly, I had the potential to have and to hold him, for better and for worse, but my compulsion to change him was stronger.
In hindsight, he and I didn’t stand a chance. Still, I have no regrets. Not only was my daughter born from this relationship, but I am wiser for the experience. I learned that we can’t change people who don’t want to change, and if we enter into any relationship with that expectation it’s certain to end badly.
Is it wrong to want more from the ones we love?
No, I don’t believe it is.
There’s nothing wrong with hoping that a relationship may, like a good wine, improve with age. Before making a life-long commitment, though, shouldn’t we, at the very least, believe that what we’re entering into will be enough to sustain us? That the person we are committing ourselves to is enough?
If we can begin with a solid foundation of respect and acceptance, anything more becomes the icing on the cake. A nice-to-have but not a deal breaker if expectations aren’t met.
That’s where I went wrong.
I wasn’t in it for the cake. I was in it purely for the icing.
About Vivienne Singer
Viv is a freelance writer, blogger, and life coach who strives to understand her own motives, actions, and responses with a view to living her most authentic life. In 2017, she launched vivfortoday.com where she blogs her heart out. Through her blog and her coaching business, she helps inspire others to live with peace, joy, and positivity. For more from Viv, subscribe to her newsletter or follow her on Instagram.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
GREAT post! Thank you for sharing your story, what a great reminder and perspective showing how our actions of expectations can effect someone else!
Have you considered that it wasn’t about the his behaviours which honestly don’t seem like big issues (aside from the cheating).
Have you considered why you’re unable to accept someone who doesn’t conform exactly to your very high standards?
People are never going to behave exactly how you want them to. The way he was behaving wasn’t unreasonable, it just didn’t meet your very high standards. Why is it that your standards are so particular?
Very brave article.
it is a bitter/sweet irony that sometimes love requires a relationship to end as often its the pain of the ending that creates the space to learn and heal what we needed to heal within ourselves.
True that space exists within moments of a relationship only for many reasons we tend to miss them.
Love will find away to get our attention.
To be quite honest, I think asking anyone especially a total stranger, what they earn is totally over the top and would annoy most people.
Hi Helena. I’ve certainly considered that the issue wasn’t his behaviour. As I expressed in this article, the issue was that we weren’t actually a fit, yet I made the mistake of marrying him and, unreasonably, imposing expectations on him, which really wasn’t fair.
Thank you, Pieter. What you say is so true. It certainly took an ending for me to learn how unreasonable and unfair my expectations were.
Well sure. But I don’t think you necessarily understand what I’m trying to get at.
I’m not trying to be hurtful or blame you. These are important introspective questions. You don’t need to answer me. Just answer yourself, a friend or a therapist. Whatever feels most comfortable to you.
It’s a faux pas not the end of the world.
oh and I must add… the way he was behaving is definitely unreasonable. I have NEVER asked anyone how much money they make. It’s gauche, you do not in any polite fashion ask personal questions like that of anyone.
I’m not sure where you’re coming from… if she did not feel comfortable should she compromise her standards? I was lucky enough to date a number of women before I found the right one to marry. Some were relationships up to 4 years in length where I wondered if the compromises I was making was exactly what someone was suppose to do in a relationship. I never moved in with any of them. To me and to this day… I always believed if you were worth moving in with… are you worth marrying? If I couldn’t say yes to the latter then I’m not considering the former. And many many of my friends were doing just that… falling in and out of love, moving in and out of apartments.
When I finally found someone that fit; it was remarkable. As you can see I’m remarking on it right now. She’s not like me in every respect – that would be horrible; she is however uncompromising and I am without remorse as I believe my life would have been had I married before meeting my wife of 30 years this August.
Personally, I would say it’s a social faux pas. One that’s been reinforced by companies who do not wish workers to request a fair wage.
It honestly depends on context as to how bad it is to discuss. But anyone that is asked, is always welcome to refuse to discuss the topic. E.g. “I’m sorry but I don’t like to discuss my income.” Whilst personally I haven’t discussed others finances, I really don’t see other people asking as a big deal.
How much do you make?
Dating is a period where you’re being discerning about choosing a partner and it’s very different to committing to marry someone. In the situation discussed the author was married and had children with the person in question.
I feel like 4 years is a long time to have a relationship for with no intention to marry or move in. I’m glad you’re happy now and able to commit to someone worthy.
That was exactly my point in the first place. People have their own unique opinions and behaviours.
…and you have to get the last word… right?
You stated to the OP “Why is it that your standards are so particular?”
That is in complete contradiction to your last statement.
Whilst I’m not offended that you asked. I’m sorry but I don’t discuss my finances with strangers on the internet. That wasn’t hard was it?
We will agree to disagree and you can have your beliefs and should not tell others what is OK. Folks will have their own set of rules as to what they believe is socially acceptable behaviour.
The question is introspective and asks the author to consider underlying personal reasons why they were critical of their ex-husband’s “unreasonable” (or for the purpose of this conversation “unique”) behaviour and initially desired to control it.
Whilst the author has since grown, some level of introspection as to what lead to those beliefs and expectations forming in the first place can be helpful.
As the author is a life coach seemingly open to sharing her views and experiences, and encourages growth in others this question seemed appropriate.
Thank you for sharing. Your post definitely provides a lot of insight into your insecurities. You are totally allowed to feel that you don't measure up, but we we need to own oue own flawsrl rather than trasferring them (blame/projection) onto other people. Always remember, what disgusts us the most about other people is own s**t to own. Sometimes we can only grow from and heal our controlling behaviours after we have left very a relationship. I wish you good luck and much love. Time to let go of some of those critital/judgemental internal thoughts aye?