“I wonder how much of what weighs me down is not mine to carry.” ~Aditi
My dad once told me about his early experiences with my mother’s parents. He shared that he knew right from the start that there was something extremely off with them.
They were an elderly couple who would constantly curse at one another, belittle and embarrass each in front of others, and yell hate-filled words such as “I hate you,” “I wish you were dead,” and “I’d be better off without you.” He said the fighting would get so aggressive, that sometimes the police had to be called to the house to intervene.
When my dad finished his story, he sat back and sort of chuckled at the craziness of it all, while I sat there in silent shock and horror. Those were all the things my mother said to me.
No one else could have known that, because I had never told anyone what really went on at my mother’s house.
It was the first time I realized that emotional and verbal abuse could be handed down from generation to generation, without anyone ever realizing it.
My Mother’s Mistakes
My mother treated me my whole life as if my thoughts, feelings, and even physical condition were invisible, or at least weren’t important.
She was cruel with her words and calculating with her actions. But the real damage she did couldn’t be seen on the surface, because it went straight to the core of my very existence. She made me believe that who I was and how I felt didn’t matter, and that it truly was a mistake for me to be here.
I grew up with a vague sense that I was meant to be on the outside of life and love. Destined to always get close, but never able to grasp, or experience it for myself. Her rage and neglect created a deep loneliness within me, and a longing to mean something to someone.
My romantic relationships were deep, intense love affairs that were often one-sided. I found myself genuinely wrapped up in the emotion, attention, and affection of it all.
When the relationship ended, I was borderline traumatized. I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t let go. I blamed myself for every possible mistake and went to humiliating lengths to get some of them back.
And this type of behavior wasn’t only specific to my romantic relationships. I had a trail of broken friendships where my clingy tendencies also reared its ugly head. I was possessive, over-protective, emotionally needy, and easily prone to feeling left out.
In my subconscious quest for self-acceptance and self-love, I couldn’t see that I was eroding all my relationships, romantic and friendly, from the inside out.
My Father’s Faults
What my mother lacked in love, my father made up for with aggressive behavior and shame.
My father always wanted to be somebody and felt the best way to achieve a sense of self- importance and self-worth was through the workplace. He wanted everyone around him to see how smart he was, that he was natural born leader, and that he could get the job done and make the place all the better for it.
This need caused him to constantly be in and out of work. Taking on highly powerful positions, only to be asked to leave within a few months due to his over-aggressive and in your face management style.
He blamed us for his defeats, asserting that he was putting himself through this because “having kids wasn’t cheap, and neither was paying all that child support to your mother!”
His failures became our faults, and I would spend my adult career trying to rectify them. Trying to find my own sense of importance and value through my career.
At work, I was an over-achiever and aggressive power-player. It wasn’t even about the money. It was about the sense of self-importance, attention, and validation it gave me. All the things I didn’t have as a child and didn’t know I was searching for as an adult.
I went from job to job, always leaving for the same reasons¾ “I was overworked and overlooked.” I blamed the industry, the people, the work culture, the office politics, but never myself. My failures were everyone else’s faults, and so the cycle continued until I was out of work, out of money and without a professional ally in the world.
Repair and Rebuild
I used to believe that when I turned eighteen and moved away from my parents the pain and abuse would all be over, but instead, it continued to live on in me, and through me, for many years.
Although my parents had different problems, the result was still the same. Both parents left me struggling with a loss of identity, and a compulsory need for attention, love, and validation.
Far from escaping my past, I found myself reliving and repeating its most painful parts in the two areas of my life that had ever given me any sense of meaning and purpose¾ my relationships and my career.
Every bad emotion I had tried to avoid, everything I was trying to escape from as a child—the loneliness, the fear, the isolation—somehow became the foundation of my adult existence.
My mother’s mistakes and my father’s faults became the core of my identity. Worst of all, I was completely unaware. I felt like I was acting according to my own desires and needs, but I was really just acting out, following a set of behaviors that I had learned as a child.
I was driven by unseen emotional needs, and it would take many years for me to find a combination of therapeutic and self-help techniques to carve out a life for myself that was a reflection of my own thoughts, feelings, and hopes.
Starting with acceptance and accountability, I began the long process of undoing my childhood emotional damage.
I accepted that I had no control over my parents’ decisions, actions, and how they chose to treat me as a child.
I embraced personal accountability, in that while it was not my fault what happened to me as a child, as an adult, my behavior and my actions were my choice.
Once I took responsibility, I was able to separate what was mine to carry and what was mine to let go.
In my mid-thirties, for the first time in my life, I began to discover who I really was, the things I did and didn’t like, who I could be, and more importantly, who I wanted to be.
I had always sought out leadership roles in companies, not because I was a natural born leader, but because I had a deep-seated need for attention and admiration.
I found that in both my romantic relationships and personal friendships, there were many times I didn’t agree, but I went along with it, because my need to be loved was much stronger than my need to be me.
After my career was over, I took a small part-time job working on an assembly line. It wasn’t much, but it was everything to me. It was my chance to rebuild and repair my shattered sense of self.
It gave a me chance to figure out what I really wanted.
Did I really want this high-powered, all-consuming career? Did I really want these intense love-affairs that ended just as quickly as they began? Or, were their other avenues of finding personal and professional happiness out there?
—
Our parents’ mistakes do not have to be ours.
My mother was emotionally abused and neglected as a child, and she handed that legacy down by creating the same home in which she grew up for her own children.
My father was overlooked, undermined, and overall cast aside as a child, and he too passed this on to his children.
Painful legacies can repeat themselves if we are not careful to do the inner work necessary to stop the cycle.
Parents can unwittingly imbue us with their faults and characteristics. We become the dumping ground for unresolved emotions, lost opportunities, and broken dreams. We unknowingly carry our parents’ problems, and even their abuses.
Even now today I still struggle with these problems, but being constantly aware of them gives me hope that I will one day be able to live my life not as product of my past, but as the person I know I am capable of being.
About Paige Loren
Paige Loren has a degree in English Literature. She is creator of www.passionwriteslife.com. A writer’s blog dedicated to topics such as personal growth, self-discovery, creating positive change, and encouraging others to write their story, and share their life experiences.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
I can relate so much to what you wrote here. Thanks for writing this.
This is all good, interesting,informative and helpful but at my age of 72…it’s too late to NOT “inherit” my parents pain, problem and any other negative factors!! Worse, I know now that I have passed on/down to my 3 children not only the “ills” of my pae rnts but many of mine also!! About the best, the only thing I can do now is to try and heal from the horrible damage done to me by my father (to a lesser degree also) my mother and to , by my actions show my children that I AM healing and am better able to stop any further pain I could cause them!!! I am in EMDR therapy which is wonderful and I believe it will be a success for/with me!
It’s as if you are talking about me in your article. Luckily, i had an awakening (and still am) in my early 30s. i have begun seeing the pattern. My father is a narcissist and my mother is a control-freak. And i am an empath who feels it all. But i am seeing it all now and do not want to be like that to my children if i ever have one. Would you believe that it is my dog who started the process of unveiling and ultimately, taught me how to open up and love?
Like you said, inner work must be done to stop the cycle. There is a song by Lifehouse titled, Sick Cycle Carousel. The line there goes like this: “Where will this end, it goes on and on, over and over, and over again. Keep spinning around, and it won’t stop, till i step down from this for good.” This song has been stuck in my head for years now. It helps me realize the pattern i am in and brings me courage to get out of that pattern. I hope you find what will work for you for your healing.
Wow! I sure related to this article. I felt like I was reading about myself in my 20s. It’s been years and I’m still working through it. But it’s certainly not an easy road. Thanks for sharing.
I continue to struggle to fight the abuse experienced as a child. I also say, I was dependent on my mother for what she could not provide when I was young, under her roof and needing and yet only getting a roof over my head, food and nothing else. Being a creative child, she thought it akin to rebellion.What you resonates so much. I continue to seek therapy to come to an understanding that my mother was someone like you said wounded and knew no different in order to raise me better. Still, I continue to carry her scars. Yet, also I know that I am now responsible for my own life, perspective and well-being.
This is, by far, the most relatable piece I’ve read. It’s moving and it touches a nerve that has been covered well for years.
To the writer: I’m sorry you’ve undergone such fate, I understand what it feels like. But for what it’s worth, I’m proud you live the best version of all those you could be, out of this.
I think it’s a wonderful thing you’re doing seeking therapy. It’s never too late! I hope seeing you do this gives your children the courage to pursue emotional healing themselves if they haven’t already.
My mum is in her late 60s and she struggles every day with trauma she’s experienced throughout her life. She takes out her issues on those closest to her and says she’s too old to change.
I wish she would seek help because she deserves to be happy for the first time in her life.
Please forgive yourself for your mistakes. You are aware of them and trying to fix them. Please be patient with yourself as habits are hard to break. Doing your best is all anyone can ask.
Good luck with EMDR!
Thank you for sharing. I lost so many things and relationships that meant so much to me because I had no idea how deeply affected I was by how I was treated growing up. I use to feel embarrassed that I’m just starting to figure things out for myself, but now I embrace the journey.
I listened to the song you suggested, it speaks to my life story in so many ways. I actually keep a playlist of songs for encouragement and to remind me of who I am when I’m feeling especially lost, and have added it to the list. Thank you for the encouragement.
I completely understand and still carry many of my mother’s pain with me. I know my mom was wounded and that’s why she treated me the way she did, but a part of me still gets upset when I realize that I was just a child, and it didn’t stop her from hurting me. At times, it’s hard for me to find a balance between anger and empathy, but I still continue to try my best to let go so I can give myself a chance to live a happy life too. Thank you for sharing.
It’s good you realize this even at your age. My mom never said I love you to us, said it was our fault no one would date her. I found out my grandma who was very loving to us, said and did to my mom what my mom did to us. I think My great grandma did it too.
My mom is now 74 and very loving. I decided to say I love you to her after I moved away and on the phone. I was so nervous I just said it and hung up quickly. That was 6 years ago, I think it’s the first time someone said I love you to her and she was able to accept it. Now we say it every phone call. My sister and I promised we’d tell our kids we loved them and hug them. If you can say you’re sorry and explain your upbringing I think that would help a lot, I know I’d appreciate it.
Thank you Kristina for your reply! It’s good to hear how things worked out for you! Unfortunately, what my father and to an extent, my mother also did to me was so traumatic that an “I’m sorry” (which I have said more then once to all 3 of my children) can not undo what I have done to them! At this point all I can do is to continue on my journey to healing with the EMDR therapy I’m doing and hope that in time they will be able to see the changes in me and my behavior! At the same time tho’ my children already carry the pain, disappointment and anger tht I caused them and until they work thru their feelings nothing much will change in out relationships!!
I send you a heartfelt thank you not only for your reply but for what you’ve said!! It sounds like you (maybe) have some personal “experience” in what I’m doing and have gone thru but also of the EMDR therapy! While I have a long way to go I already see a few difference within me and it’s the positivity, encouragement, and understanding from the people who respond to me is so very helpful!!! I am working on forgiving myself and accepting that most of what I did was not purposely or even knowingly done but when I see how it effected my children it hurts me so very much! Sorry it’s taken me so long to respond to you but I’ve just gone thru an especially difficult session with my T (aka therapist) and I’m only now coming to terms with it and how I’m feeling now! Also I’ve already replied to Kristina and I hope you read what I wrote to her!! I am so grateful that anyone has replied to me as 1) it’s so helpful to read the thoughts, opinions and suggestions from whoever reads my post; 2) it “shows” me that I am NOT alone with all this; and 3) if I can help someone by sharing my experiences then this helps me so much!! Take care!
I totally agree with Helena’s comment! I think it’s completely courageous what you are doing.
As much damage as my mom did, it still pains me to know that she too is still suffering. And as much as she hurt me, I don’t have any ill-will toward her. Deep down, I wish she could do what you are able to do and try to get better so she can experience a little bit of relief and happiness in life.
You story gives me encouragement, not just for myself, but for my mom as well.
Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best in your journey!
Thank you Nandini for your kind words.
Your kind and thoughtful reply actually caused me to cry….but please don’t worry!!! You said nothing “wrong”!!! I simply reacted to knowing that you have a “nerve” that that is so painful it has had to be covered well for years!!! Please don’t feel sorrow for what I have undergone for so long!!! Sadly there are many many others who are and have been undergoing the same and worse but maybe don’t understand nor know that it is within them to change, affect positively what their lives could be in the future! Unfortunately in order to “redirect” our futures we must first heal, as best we can, from our past wherein those “nerves” began! I thank you again for what you wrote to me and I sinocerely hope that you too will be able to be the best version of youself!!! God bless and I wish you well!!! Take care!
m
You are very welcome and I so applaud you for working through it for as you say it is NOT an easy road!! But then what we will attain and how we will ( and maybe already do )feel is worth every bit of what we “go thru” to get to a place of happiness and peace of mind!!! I share because I now know how many people, MEN as well as women, are also suffering but silent about their pain! So I hope that when someone reads what I have gone thru they will know that they aren’t the only one!! I think that my reason for becoming a nurse is simply because I don’t want anyone else to feel pain as I have and thru my nursing I have given comfort!! Take care!
What a powerful way to break the cycle! Thank you Kristina for your kind words and for sharing your story!
It helped when I nervously decided to tell my mom I love her on the phone. Shes never apologized and we don’t talk about the past but she does hate her mom whose dead. I didn’t want that for us. I had to just forgive. My sister wants an apology and still has lots of anger. I hope she learns to forgive soon. I hope your mom finds healing soon.
What an encouraging and beautiful reply! I thank you so much!!! I admit that I envy you for your age and I strongly applaud you for your ability and understanding of the need for you to get out of the pattern you wisely saw happening to you!!! I sincerely hope that you also know and believe that you ALSO have the courage and strength already within you, ready to be used as you continue to work on breaking the pattern! You CAN and WILL be successful!!! I also thank you for telling me about the song which has obviously had a wonderful and motivating effect on you!! As soon as I can I shall look it up!! Keeping doing what you are doing and most likely by the time you reach my age of 72 you will have what ever you wanted and needed to be at peace and happy for much of your life!!! Take care!
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me!! More so I thank you for your words of support, understanding and encouragement!! I am saddened for both you and your Mom and wish I could help your Mom!!! She has all it takes to do what I am doing but I understand how scary it can be to start doing something to release and then be free of the feelings that keep her silent! I knew from a very early age that that something was Weong” with me and in my life but that was so long ago and in a time when so little was known about childhood abuse that there was no one I could talk with—enev IF I understood what had happened and continued to happen to me! So I “acted out” by isolating and cutting myself not caring that I could die! This continued till after the birth of my twins in ’71 and from then on I was hospitalized 3 times, made a serious suicide attempt, was given numerous medications, had several sessions of shock therapy ( which I think ‘hope and pray” his NO longer used), and seem many therapists! Still no one was able to figure me out—what WAS exactly wrong with me until the most wonderful therapist I had been seeing for 3 yrs realized what most likely was wrong and suggested that I try EMDR therapy for my CPTSD!! I’ve gone into so much detail mainly with the hope that maybe if your mom reads it she may be able to see that she too can be helped! I have NO more strength or courage to do what I’m doing then what she or anyone else has!!! I also finally decided that after my 72 yrs of living as I have been I HAD to do something about me and my issues given I’m in that age range that only God knows how much time I have left and I so want to know and feel love and happiness as well as have peace of mind for the first time!!! I shall keep your mom , and you in my prayers that hopefully she will find her inner strength to start to make better her life!! Take care!
You are very welcome!! I sincerely hope it helps !!!! take care!
Wow, this is really spot on. My father was/is a narcissist “A hole,” and my mother was/is a mentally beaten down, incompetent pushover. It’s really sad, and it has taken me to my mid thirties to realize that; I cannot let my childhood, or my parents actions, determine who I am as a man. It’s an everyday struggle, but I will not let who they are, determine the outcome of my life. As the saying goes, “the struggle is real,” and I have to “check” myself daily.
This is awakening. I need somebody’s input if this article is advisable for teenagers. My niece has been vocal to me about how she thinks she is mentally abused with the situation of her family. Well, see, the Dad was a gambler, and at her young age, she witnessed how her mom strive to survive their daily needs on her own because of the Dad’s addiction. My brother-in-law is not all that bad, its just that he cant get the gambling off his system and every time he do not money anymore, he would not function as a dad. There are good days, when he takes care of the 3 kids by cooking, laundry. But bad days involves bad words that comes out despising them and the life they have. On the other hand, my sister has raised my nieces like what I think was a typical Asian mom would do, Like teaching them chores, but my sister is kinda like a little bit too harsh especially with the words she picks when my nieces make mistake or don’t help at the house or when they make choices that the mom do not like. I can say she is a little bit too much because of her situation with her husband. But long story short, all the harsh words, sometimes the silent treatment her mom gives her when she is so mad, these contributes to pain and sore in my niece’s young age. Hence, my niece she felt like she was mentally tortured or abused. I keep telling her no, like is sometimes life is not fair. And that no matter what happens, they are still their parents. She love her mom and her dad so much that sometimes, she wouldn’t put the blame on them but just keep it inside. With everything said, you think showing this article to her would help her understand or maybe help her in the future. She is 14 now and is in high school. Thanks
Beautiful article Paige. Thank you.
It wouldn’t hurt. She really needs a good counselor or therapist to talk to at this point.
Thanks..
Paige, we have to be ever vigilant. It is not enough to say we will not follow in our mother’s footsteps. We must each moment, each day strive to not do what was done to us. I think empathy. See, the anger comes from those parts of us our selves who were hurt by what was done to us. They still are angry, yet it is not anger it is hurt because of what they had to endure. Yet, the adult women in us must understand that we are free. We are free to choose to be like them, free to never encounter them, free to hate them, which takes so much of our energy, effort and attention. Let me be clear, the anger you feel is really the hurt you still feel, those parts of you who remember, who are still there in the hurt they were subjected to at whatever age. We are also free to continue on those days when we can to forgive. They could not have been any different in their pain and history of abuse. Maybe they did not have the tools, the time of reflection to discard what was done to them. So, our goal, if you will is to do what they could not do, make peace. Promise that we will strive to be nothing like what we have survived. Be well and know that others, like myself are also trying to now thrive. We are free!
I agree with you. May I also add that to tell someone, particularly a child that not matter what they endure, because it is by a parent, they should still love the parent, or parents is also not advised. It presents so many counter-feelings in someone who is hurting and hurting by someone who is supposed to love them and they are supposed to be loved. It says, “I am deserving what is being done, I am unworthy” because I am experiencing abuse.
There is quite a bit of research now that shows that inter-generational trauma is actually in our tissues (and our brain matter), so it’s harder to get rid of it that some might think.
I see a lot of my experience in this article. It’s well written & well worded too. Great job.
Hello Monika, thank you for your kind reply. I hope you’re well? How is EMDR going?
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I felt upset because our conversation made me think about my relationship with my Mother. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to respond sooner. I did read all of your comments on this post though!
You’re right we do share some similar experiences. I also have C-PTSD, I haven’t tried EMDR but I have done 4 years of psychotherapy, 2 of schema therapy and 3 months of prolonged exposure therapy. I was very lucky meeting the right therapists who both happened to have trauma training (not every therapist does).
I think when raised in an abusive family it can be easy to learn habits of verbal abuse (particularly when hurt or angry). It is certainly a unique unlearning those behaviours as well as learning to heal from the emotional fall out of our experiences. Wishing you all the best on your journey, always! You are definitely not alone.
I saw some of myself in your article. At 18 I had this thought that I had made it, through my childhood, and was positive and healthy minded. By the time I was in my early 30s, I had, for lack of better words, a nervous breakdown. I’ve been trying to be well for the last 30 years. I now suffer with depression. It really disabled me, especially now being divorced, empty nest. Childhood abuse is the worst of situations. I have not made the best decisions, but I’m a good person. I trained myself on how to teach children without abuse and my son grew up better then I ever imagined. I don’t know how or if I will get better but I know I stopped thecycle of abuse