“You open your heart knowing there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible.” ~Bob Marley
A few months ago I was visited by my mother in a dream; my deceased mother who took her own life thirty years ago.
In my dream, I was sitting on the floor of my bedroom thinking about my teenage daughter, who is around the same age I was when my mother died. I felt like my daughter was in distress, and I wanted to help her.
As I sat and pondered, I looked up and saw a blanket coming toward me. I knew it was my mother trying to comfort me, but I could not see her. I only felt her. I was confused and uncomfortable with her presence and why she was there.
She then became visible in her ethereal form, beautiful and healthy as I once remembered her long ago. A victim of mental illness, she had fought her own demons for years before making the decision to end her life.
Her exit from this world shaped the path of mine. I had not dreamt of her in many, many years.
From an early age I was her confidante. She shared her fears with me, as well as her insecurities and her deep depression. I took on the role as her caretaker and emotional support. She was desperate to be loved, and I was desperate to help her feel it. I felt I had to. If I didn’t, I might lose her.
She opened her arms to hug me in my dream, and I instinctively pulled away. This was not our relationship, and I didn’t trust it. It was not her job to comfort me. I was the one who comforted her. It didn’t feel safe.
She waited in silence with her arms wide open as I resisted. I was curious, but cautious. I slowly leaned in and felt her embrace… and then, I let go.
I let her hug me. I released my fear, leaned in even closer, and let my body go limp as I wept in her arms.
I have never experienced anything like it. A feeling of complete surrender and letting go into the care of someone else where I did not have to be strong. I did not have to fix anything. I did not have to make anything okay. I let myself be embraced by a love so powerful and comforting… just for me.
When I woke up, I felt an enormous wave of peace and contentment. Scribbling down insights and details at 4am so I wouldn’t forget.
I spent the next day enamored with the aha moments that followed. I saw the patterns that began early on that I couldn’t quite grasp. The fear of attachment and commitment. The danger I felt getting close to people. How giving love was a survival tactic to get my basic needs met and how receiving love felt dangerous and unknown.
It wasn’t that I didn’t want to fully experience being loved by others, I didn’t know how. I saw the push and pull in my relationships. I wanted to get close to people, but it felt risky. The closer they would become the more I would internally retreat in protection.
I had a strong desire to be connected to others, but the resistance that came with it was fierce. So much fear.
I married in my mid-twenties feeling I had a strong connection with my husband and I would comfortably ask for what I needed. Yet the more attached I became, the more my anxiety around loss intensified.
I feared arguments would lead to the end of the relationship. I was convinced that if I didn’t shape myself to meet his expectations I would no longer be welcome in his life. I felt the pressure to assess his needs while ignoring my own, which eventually led to long-term resentment and the disconnect of our relationship.
Instead of telling my husband, I withdrew enough to deem the relationship no longer working. I was too scared to ask for what I wanted, assuming rejection and defeat. My biggest fear was that he would leave. Instead of waiting for the inevitable end, I chose to leave him before he left me, which led to another debilitating fear—that I would hurt him.
I always felt I had to be tough, the one who took the hits. Because my childhood experiences with an emotionally unavailable parent positioned me as the caregiver, I believed that was my role in relationships. I did not think I had earned the right to support my own emotional needs.
And due to the fact that I’d failed to save my mother when she was in the most pain, an unwarranted, yet longstanding guilt created a fear of hurting others. I would rather put their needs over my own and “suck it up” so they didn’t have to experience what I had become an expert at—enduring pain.
After spending significant amounts of time with myself, comforting the wounds of loss from my twenty-plus year relationship, and getting to know who I was independently, I began to nurture my vulnerable heart. I realized my lack of love and compassion for myself was keeping me in a cycle of dysfunctional and unhealthy attachments.
As my heart strengthened and healed, I was introduced to new friendships with those who were willing to be open and vulnerable, and slowly began to do the same.
I noticed the more comfortable I became in my own skin, the easier it became to expose my true self. Yet, this didn’t elevate my trust in relationships, their intentions, or how long they would last. I continued to keep those I loved at arms length in fear that they could be gone at any time.
Although I practiced trust, and even teach ways to move through fear in my career as a psychotherapist, it did not make trusting relationships any easier for me. I trusted myself and my own decisions, but when it came to interpersonal relationships I continued to fear connection and loss of love.
As I began to allow in healthier connections, my real challenges began to unravel. I wanted more intimate relationships equally as much as I feared them.
I started to notice how quickly I wanted to bail if things felt uncomfortable. I felt the inner sirens blare in alert when any kind of threat or disagreement began to brew.
My desire to run is almost instantaneous, like a reflex. I keep my shield up as I find the quickest way off the battlefield to protect my heart. It is a true challenge to not react based on fears that I developed long ago, despite the fact that my life is completely different, as am I.
This self-awareness combined with a consistent practice to respect my fears, has allowed me to make the changes I know are necessary. I now choose to change my patterns by doing the opposite of what I normally do. If I want to run, I stay put. If I want to shut down my emotions, I give myself the space to feel them so they move through me and dissipate.
If I want to pick a fight because I’m scared and want out, I practice sitting with it, or even better, I calmly verbalize my needs. I practice the pause to make sure I am not sabotaging something that is “normal” and will pass with space and calming of my internal wiring. I allow myself time to listen to what my fear is saying to me and question if it is real or imagined.
I’m learning to say how I feel out loud instead of hiding my irrational thoughts. The more I express them and work through them, the more I am realizing they’re just the way I’ve protected myself, but I don’t need them anymore. They are outdated, but still need the comfort of being heard and not dismissed.
The more I’ve changed my response to allowing love in, the more loving relationships and friendships I attract. With people who talk through difficulties and don’t threaten to leave. People who know my tears are normal and don’t criticize my skittish reactions to life. People who somehow inspire me to believe that maybe I really am enough.
I believe my mother’s message to me in my dream was really rather simple. My fears have been under the guise that love can be taken away, but my mother’s embrace showed me that love does not die. It changes forms. That each experience in my life has been a lesson of love, whether an opportunity to feel more love for myself or compassionate love toward others, knowing their own fears of loss of love are the same.
Every time one door has closed in my life, another has opened. Each person who has showered me with love and left has made space for more love to come in. And this is true for all of us.
Most of us are carrying around insecurities in relationships due to our experiences growing up. We’re scared of being hurt or rejected, and it’s tempting to close down—to shut love out so it can’t be taken away. But we need to trust that opening our hearts is worth the risk, and that even if someone leaves us, we can fill the hole in our heart with our own self-love and compassion.
The night after my dream, my independent, headstrong adolescent daughter asked me to lie down with her at bedtime. This is a rarity, as she has grown to not need me in her self-sufficient ways. I melted with the chance to put my arm around her as she released tears of pent up stress and fears of change. I recognized her sadness; I have felt the same.
My dream had come full circle. I am the mother I always wanted; the unconditional love and support I craved. And I am here to teach my daughter that she, too, is not alone and love will never leave her.
Although I know my own work of self-love and acceptance will continue, I see now the rewards of opening my heart won’t cease. To let love in we must practice not shutting it out. In the end, it’s all we really want, and we can have it, if we open up to it.
About Lynn Reilly
Lynn Reilly is a licensed professional counselor, master energy therapist, and author of the self-care book 30 Days to Me and the children's book The Secret to Beating the Dragon. You can subscribe to her insights and benefit from her 15-minute trust practices to live more fully on livingwithserendipity.com as well as follow her on Facebook and Instagram.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
This helped me so much! My husband died by suicide 8 years ago. My post-loss love died unexpectedly 1.5 years ago.
Oh my goodness. You just told my story. That helped me so much. Thanks!
BEAUTIFUL!!! I am so glad you had that life altering dream!!! hugs to you and thank you for sharing your story! 🙂
Thank you for this article! I am similar but I always turned down men who were too kind for me, and always chose the ones with whom I subconsciously made sure I kept a distance. I just recently realized (and I am 37) that I subconsciously reject love because I just don’t know how to receive it. A long while ago, I started practicing self-love and I see how my relationships with people improved because I am becoming true. It’s still long way to go, but slowly I am moving forward.
I love your article and story so much. “Love does not die. It changes forms.” This is so true. We don’t have to fear rejection and abandonment, because there is always enough love for us. This is such a deep and needed truth for me – something I learned after my devastating divorce. And something I need to be reminded of as I open my heart to possibly finding someone new. My mother’s death at a young age also made it hard for me to trust.
Wow, Laura. Those are some huge losses. I’m sorry for the pain and grief you’ve experienced. I know the anxiety that comes with that too. Big hugs to you and your brave heart.
You’re welcome, Kelly. I’m glad to hear it helped. Thanks for sharing!
Your mother coming to you in a dream and vision is something I can relate to very much. I have always had visions so to say shortly after someone would pass. It wasn’t always close family or friends, sometimes it was people I knew of but didn’t really know well. About 6 months after my mum passed, I had a dream/vision where In the dream I knew she had passed on, but knew she had to come back for a short time to do something. I said to her in the dream knowing she had to leave soon, I said something like “Ma, don’t you want to catch up on things and hear how I’m doing? She said seriously without looking at me “Sorry honey, I don’t want to get re-attached” The funny thing is, I understood as honest and blunt as those words were I knew what she meant. I had another very vivid dream where me and her (my mum) were hugging and everything felt right, no drama, sadness, etc. It is so true that love lives on forever changless.
It’s such a journey, isn’t it? That was a big revelation for me and one I have to practice holding on to until it settles in for the long haul. Those fears can be so reactive and sneak in there! But it really is true, there’s more than enough love available and we are never without. I’m happy for you and the love you will allow in next. 🙂
I can relate! I’m 44 and just learning to really change the patterns myself. Also discovering how self awareness is awesome, but it’s the action steps which require the most effort AND awareness. Happy to hear you are also on your way! 🙂
Asiu, i am 39 and the same for me. But we are awake now. and now we can carry on with love in our hearts. This will keep our hearts open for more love from someone we deserve <3
Is a risk that must be taken when shown in our lives. Thanks for opening.
Thank you so much!!
This is probably the most impactful article I have received in my inbox from this site. You put my struggles into words. Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing this, and for sharing it with the world. This brings me comfort and peace.
Holy cow!! This is my life (almost to a T). I lost my mother at a very young age due to an adoption & several years later, lost her completely due to a car accident where she had been drinking & driving. I was sexually abused for many years, lost custody of my first born son (I was 23; He was 3 months). I’ve had a string of horrible relationships & a 12 year marriage that ended. I just recently had another relationship end that was extremely toxic due to not only my past/my insecurities/thought & behavioral patterns, but the past of my former lover who had his own personal traumas that were not healed. But, the BEST thing that came from this past failed relationship was the awareness that I have to make internal changes & lean how to not run when the going gets tough, how to not sabotage my relationship due to fear of being abandoned (which traced back to my childhood).
Thank you for sharing your story & in doing so, inspired & encouraged others, like me to keep going!! We ALL DESERVE LOVE & we must first learn to give that love to ourselves.
I appreciate your heart being poured onto the internet page you posted your story. Never being able to put it into words from never before having a good reason, or I thought I had no reason to learn through school because I made excuses about having type one diabetes and used it as my own way to run when like you typed during a fight or a place of discomfort. Knowing well that everyone goes through struggles and will be given the choice to speak it into existence or to keep it bottled up. I kept it bottled up from the age of 12 to the age of 30. You could say I was born as a 30 year old who had come from a place of fear and not being able to speak about the fact of my life and it being worthy of being happy. Having a hypoglycemic reaction made me live while not being able to remember while it was taking place during school or work. It made me close myself off to everyone so they didn’t have to worry about me being a dead body they would have to explain to authoritative figures. Then I became an addict to anything and everything I could get my hands on and again I was only wanting to die but I still had a lot of good reason to keep living. Waking up in the emergency room 4 times in the span of 12 days from shooting methamphetamine into my bloodstream but I always woke up. I would be alone always with my dog and find myself waking up on the living room floor 4 times a week for a couple years. I always would wake up. Then one night It happened while i was with some true friends, people i loved until I put them through the experience of having to take me to the hospital to make sure I didn’t pass away. Again I woke up while driving to the emergency room and that made them much more uncomfortable than anything else. I just rose up and said well, once again I tried to kill myself and like always I am still breathing. That’s when I made the decision to make a change. I kept trying to kill myself and over 60 times I would wake up. Eventually I began having out of body experiences and watched myself while having a hypoglycemic diabetic reaction. My older brother saw it happen one time and being a veteran of the Iraq war he’s been and seen a lot of death and even people getting shot in the head. When he told me he saw me going through a diabetic low blood sugar reaction from clearing all sugars out of my bloodstream from shooting up he said it was the craziest thing he had ever seen in his life. He told me I was floating around the living room and the furniture was floating with me. That’s when I did the toughest thing i have ever gone through and made a change. I thought myself meditation, I began teaching myself discipline from working out and taking my dog for a walk every day, no matter the weather or how I was feeling. It gave me the experience of living a life I never gave myself a chance to live. I lived with my mother and father till I turned 30 and I blame nothing or nobody for any of my pain or having to always blame the people who diagnosed me or who would always give me doomsday scenarios that I didn’t want to listen to then and teaching myself disciplined ways to live made me feel better about all the years I spent on negatively affecting my life by being the victim only. So I began reading about buhhda and learning buddhism, I didn’t want to go to treatment or have someone else tell me how to get better because I never had anyone tell me anything I would listen to and would laugh at them while they always loved laughing back because of the contagious laugh I create. As soon as i moved into my own apartment and started to change what I drank and what I ate it seemed to have everything I ever dreamed my life would become my reality with almost zero effort from me. I was living with joy for the first time I can remember. Happy and giving that happiness to others because I am a healer. I understand the importance of the things that are not said and I have the ability to make anyone who has feelings of pain or hate for any reason to believe in miracles from telling them my story of being alone on a crowd till I turned 30. Finding the path of a new life from going years and years in solitude was measured like a burden by me at first. After the first year I noticed that I was able to make out muscles on my stomach, a dream I have always had but never spoke into my reality was to have aic pack abs. While I didn’t even realize I made it real. I never thought of the past as the place I would ever be able to let go of. Soon as I did it was like a blessing from God. I was saved by the grace of God, I’m still living for a reason and I feel like the rest of my life will be given back to me from my faith inyself and the unknown parts of being drug and alchohol addicted the first 30 years of my life. While being a type one livabetic, I call it livabetes, why would a chronic illness start with the prefix die? Maybe my spoken words helped me a little, who knows. Few years later and I still have so much to keep working on, everything i do is to be better than i was days prior. Finding mental health benefits from my own experience during mediation. Giving the community I live in the proof they can see with their eyes that life is worth living with discomforts and finding comforts from feelings of discomforts no matter how much you want things to be different. Now I have a full time job, first full time job I have had in 8 years all while having type one livabetes during the Corona virus part of world history. I am better than I imagined I would ever become all while still being open to the pain or hurt I put myself through from only having fear and anxiety about people thought of me. All I ever wanted was to have a long lasting relationship that lasts and I ran away from every single one I thought I wasn’t good enough to experience. Asking out women who used to make me feel like I was lucky just to talk to them. I wouldn’t change any part of the life i have lived, i am still here and the love i am and have always been is one reason I was given another chance on numerous occasions. I was forgave to tell my story and give up on blame for any reason. It all happened for the reason that I never gave myself any credit of being enough for anyone after my first love died of cancer just after high school. Mainly why I was alone in a crowd for so long was that I always believed that our relationship was so strong that it would transcend lifetimes, so I waited and waited, making sure I was measured as a a person who had no interest in living till that same relationship happened again. It was not the good idea that I thought it would be from being alone for so long now I am not worried about finding another relationship that I was expecting to happen. When I meet a women I really don’t know if they are being honest or being manipulative towards me. All I know is that I am falling in love with myself and will never forget how much i went through because i am still going through life taking baby steps. Love is my favorite part of my life, now it’s the only reason for why I was so hurt and kept walking through the pain of my past emotional problems that I was blinded by through expectations of having standards for the same feelings and need to realize I’m not gonna have the same experience ever, lessons I learn always learned from hard paths but those are the lessons I need more than anything I want. Now I’m obsessed about my life and how i have the power to make what i do today to be an investment on the unknown future I finally want to live. I know that miracles are real because i am still breathing and making change happen. The grace of God is something I am able to talk about now as I began learning from the bible and the ways I used to not enjoy reading or growing my soul through knowledge and understanding. Believe in miracles and miracles can happen. Change is a possible way to find new beginnings from places of nightmares turned into pleasant dreams. The new mindart I am cultivating is for my future life I am still learning to let come to me.