“What we see is mainly what we look for.” ~Anonymous
A few weeks ago, my aunt was visiting for a family holiday. I hadn’t seen her in a few years so we were catching up, talking about life, and talking about the projects we were each working on.
“So I’m still working on my PhD dissertation,” she said. “It’s really exhausting, you know, having five kids and doing my PhD all while working. It’s just exhausting.”
“And the problem is that these professors are constantly approving or denying my thesis subjects, so I’ll begin to research it and then they tell me I need to switch. It’s like all these people are against me.”
“We’ve also got some debt from our last house that I lost in the divorce and I’m still trying to manage that while….”
She went on for about 15 minutes, without me even being able to say a word, until her husband finally came in and said:
“Karen, stop gettin’ in your own way, will ya? The way you talk is enough to give a sane person a nervous breakdown.”
And that’s when it clicked.
The Secret Enemy Sabotaging Our Lives
Have you ever gone into a job interview and then couldn’t stop replaying the mental image of yourself messing up? (Like telling yourself, “There are tons of more qualified candidates. I don’t know how they’ll find me….”)
Have you ever changed how you treated someone based on what they looked like, before you even knew them? (Like a random salesman coming up to your door?)
Have you ever gotten upset at your spouse over something that, as it turns out, was entirely in your head? (Like blaming her/him for a mess, when it turns out it was the kids?)
If you’ve done one of these things, then you may be falling prey to this secret enemy called your mind.
Why Happiness, Contentment, and Even Success Originate in Our Mind
I’ve learned there’s one thing that holds us back from doing as well as we want: our mind.
When we’re not doing as well as we want, it’s usually because of made-up dramas that happen in our mind all day long.
Like the belief that we can’t be successful and happy.
Or the belief that it takes a lot of money to start a business.
Or the belief that all successful people are highly intelligent prodigies.
Guess what! None of these are facts. They are merely beliefs that hold us back.
Remember my aunt who thought that the whole world was conspiring against her? It took her own husband saying, “Stop getting in your own way!” for her to even remotely realize it wasn’t a “fact,” but merely her own thoughts affecting her behavior.
So what do you do when your mind is getting in your own way?
Whether it’s messing with your relationship, how you view your job, or just preventing you from being happy, there is one key practice you can do.
Ask yourself: Is this really true?
Try to be a little scientist, and ask yourself “Is this really true?” Do it 100 times a day. Try to find experiences or people that contradict this idea in your head. I’ll show you how.
Example #1: The whole world is against me, I can’t find a job, nothing ever works out, and people are untrustworthy.
When I graduated from college, it was during one of the worst times to go looking for a job.
I talked to many people about it, and I usually ended up saying something like this:
Assumption: “The economy is just so bad. All of the jobs are taken and it’s going to be very difficult for me to find any job (let alone a good one). My college degree means nothing, and I’m going to have to work in Starbucks to pay for my bills. The last two job interviews went horribly. Nothing ever works out for me.”
The Question: Is this really true? What would an observer see?
- Yes, there are fewer open jobs, based on statistics.
- A college degree is useful, but there are many other competitors with college degrees too.
- Yes, the past two job interviews didn’t lead to a job.
But I chose to blame the economy instead of figuring out a novel way to find a job (like through personal connections or learning a brand new skill).
I chose to believe that a college degree is the only way to be competitive in a tough job market.
I chose to believe that life had a personal vendetta against me, when in reality, the only objective fact was that I didn’t get the last two jobs I’d interviewed for.
All of these assumptions were poisoning my mind and creating a filter through which I viewed the world.
And all of these things prevented me from doing the only thing that mattered: seeing reality for what it was and taking the next step forward.
Example #2: “In order to get fit, I’ve heard you have to work out two hours a day and just eat lettuce. I could never do that.”
My dad, a guy who is in his late 50s who loves watching MMA (mixed martial arts), figured he should start taking better care of his health. Unfortunately, he had a lot of emotional and mental baggage:
Assumption: “In order to get fit you need to work out two or more hours a day like these MMA guys and just eat super clean. You need iron willpower to never eat sweets and maintain that kind of workout plan. I could never do that. You’ve really got to be in the peak of your life.”
The Question: Is this really true?
The easiest way to find the objective truth for this would be to ask someone who did it.
Fortunately a family friend who is a doctor recently had a success story to compare to:
- Do you need to workout two hours a day? “I only worked out forty-five minutes, four times a week.”
- Do you need to eat only lettuce? “Actually, I ate plenty of meat, veggies, nuts, and fruits (and wine!), and was rarely hungry.”
- Do you need to restrict all the foods you enjoy? “I had one cheat day: it turned out to be Saturdays when I had free-reign on tiramisu and red wine.”
So how do you think my dad’s behavior changed when he learned that his former “belief” was not a fact?
He felt liberated. He felt in control. He felt like he had the reigns in his own life. It’s incredibly empowering.
When he learned that maybe it’s a little more realistic than he thought, that dramatically improved the chances that he’d change his behavior for the better.
What does this mean for you?
Many of us today don’t feel in control of our lives and feel like there is a game being played around us.
But what we don’t realize is that it is our mind skewing reality—and the moment we learn to control our mind, we have more control over our reality.
Next time you get into an argument with someone, ask yourself: Is my mind controlling my reality?
You’ll suddenly wake up with this incredible realization that you are much more capable and in control than you think.
Photo by herecomestherooster

About Alexander Heyne
Alexander Heyne is the founder of Modern Health Monk, an integrative health site that shows parents and professionals how to lose weight in a healthy way and feel amazing by using the power of tiny habits. You can get his free guide on 5 daily habits to look and feel amazing right here.
Brilliant article! Perceptions really are everything. We can control our reality by simply changing our thinking about it. The day I realised this, my life changed for the better. We feel like we’re in control again!
great article — and to take this idea to a WHOLE OTHER LEVEL check out the book Outrageous Openness by Tosha Silver (published 2013) and/or the writings of Florence Scovel Shinn — The Game of Life and How to Play It (published in the 1940’s???) –you will be very happy that you did — change your thoughts and you change your life…. shine on!
thanks really helps me
Thanks, I really appreciate your advice. I was kind of down yesterday, but I think you’re right, I got to cheer up and go on with my life.
Thanks for this. My mind is always acting like a bully to myself. Always saying horrible things, creating dramas and nightmares, stealing happiness and joy…I have to stop this.
thank you for this, it was just what i needed to get me out of my funk
cool, thanks for the tip!
Cool article Alexander,
I think another thing to bare in mind is our external surroundings and peer influence.
Giving an example based on my own experience, I remember getting harshly blown out by a girl who I really liked and for a long time had a fear of going up and talking to her. I felt crushed and my belief system after that was set in a way where if I ever approach a girl I like again, i’m going to get the same reaction.
Of course it’s absurd now thinking about it since every person is different. But the point is, I think it’s important to fix our belief systems, which can be difficult to do without firstly becoming aware of what makes us form limiting beliefs in the first place. Because it takes awareness and understanding in order to consciously change it.
What do you do when your negative thoughts are about your health, and every little pain is suddenly a life-threatening illness? I do suffer from depression and anxiety, but I think it’d start to go away if I could just stop my mind from being so negative!
There are many different ways to essentially replace the current habit you have with, say, being grateful that you have a body every time you notice a little pain (just as an example). Feel free to contact me if you’d like to talk about it some more. 🙂
Absolutely, you can create any kind of self-imposed limitations or limiting beliefs simply by listening to your mind and allowing it to “control your reality”, as you so aptly put it. The important thing to remember is that these are all essentially illusions you’ve created for yourself and they aren’t actually true! The more energy you put into listening to it or even into pushing it away, the more power you give it. Just be and listen to yourself, not your mind. 🙂
When you apply to 17 different jobs in a month and nobody calls you back, that’s not your mind working against you. Just saying. Life is crappy. If you aren’t born rich, you’re gonna have a pretty horrible life.
I wasn’t born rich and I’m not rich now. I don’t have a horrible life. Things will get better. I applied to exactly 100 jobs within 3 months and I got the job I have today (7 years ago).
Danielle –
You’re right, you can’t control that. But what you CAN control is this: decide either A. it’s not working, and it’s time to do something differently, or B. I’m going to learn how to increase my value to an employer. Those are all things you can control.
Hey Christa –
It’s scary huh! We never think about it, but the mind has the incredible power to ruin our life (or make it amazing). An oft-forgotten truth !
Great points Christa.
I think another (general) point is to conquer it at the source: learn to control the mind, instead of letting it go off on you any chance it gets.
Tiny Buddha has a whole host of great articles on meditation to check out 🙂
Onder,
You’re totally right. We often contain that imprint long after the event happened.
A similar example: As a young young kid I was bullied by this one guy. I ended up running into him 20 years later, when I was now the much bigger, stronger kid who had been doing martial arts for a while. Nonetheless I still had that sort of “primal fear” that had been imprinted in me years before. It’s amazing how the mind controls our reality.
No problem Charlie !
No problem Kittybitty 🙂
Alexander,
Totally my problem too. It’s amazing how much self-sabotage happens in the brain !
Turning off the brain has got to be one of THE best things I’ve ever done for my quality of life.
Hope it helps Alejandra 🙂
Awesome, thank you Dhyana! Will definitely check them out.
Thanks Emily —
I’m totally with you. It’s amazing, because the people who often need this “truth” the most, are the most resistant to it. “Thoughts? PFFT! Please. Give me something concrete.”
The intangible is often much more powerful than the tangible..
Thank you for your impactful and wonderful article. I really appreciated your sentiments, as I too, have struggled with wanting to know ‘now’ and clearly what it is I am meant to do in this world. Finally, I discovered patience…and acceptance of now…and trusting emergence. I have realized that the ‘right’ kind of information…true inspiration…comes from being at peace. My days – moments – are much different now that I have begun to trust and live in patience. I also would like to share a book I have just completed called ‘The Great Work of Your Life’ by Stephen Cope. I can’t recommend this book highly enough. It is a rich read with humor, compassion and great learning. Has anyone else read this book?
I’m an eighteen year old who is still struggling with constant negative thoughts.I’m going to try to take this advice and try to keep moving forward
Exactly, that’s why it’s so important to educate ourselves in order to better understand what makes us tick. Self-awareness is very important, and one, which very few people practice.
Thank you for the wonderful article
Actually I had come to this conclusion too, that your mind works against you sometimes, the problem is that when you forget and go down with your negative thoughts again,, I feel that the real challenge is in continuesly reminding yourself to check reality and to take control of your life again
Thanks
Hi Alexander I agree thoughts create our reality of what is going on in our lives. Life happens but in every moment we can strive for the thought that empowers us, even if we are not getting what we want. The mind can sabotage us, limit us and heal us.
My mind is getting in the way of not being able to forgive my spouse when he is sorry. I have lost confidence, trust and the glow on my face because of lies. I want to forgive for me and move on to the best relationship ever. But I am scared.
What if I threw away opportunities and health (ie drinking too much coffee) because at the time I was suffocating in a world and influenced by other naysayers, unawake basically to human potential or my dharma. At the time I couldn’t “hear” anything or think for myself or get on the ride of opportunities thrown at my feet. What does it mean when someone so intelligent acts so stupid? I’ve been in self-development and Buddhist meditation classes for a very long time. I don’t know why I sabotaged my life and now I feel in a time rush to catch up or even beg for things.
It is frustrating to be unemployed. I don’t know why it happens to good people. I’ve have a few open businesses/services yet I don’t have money. No one calls, no one writes. This for me happened for like 8 months last year and still is happening.
Is it the subconscious that is ruling our life? Hot to change it, meditation? To stop thought? I’m trying!
Our minds are our reality here in the 4th dimension.
It is very dangerous to keep doubting yourself like the article suggests..for example if you think your husband is cheating or abusing you, it is even more distressing to start asking yourself obsessively: “is this true?” “is this true?”..”or am I insane??”