“At any given moment, you have the power to say: This is not how the story is going to end.” ~Christine Mason Miller
Several months ago my partner’s father (we’ll call him D) verbally attacked me. A couple weeks later it happened again, except this time it was more aggressive and more personal.
When I calmly told him that his behavior was unacceptable, he became angry and spent the next several months using every tool in his vast arsenal to put space between my partner and me.
And for a while it worked.
Suddenly I found myself constantly obsessed over the confrontation, playing it back in my head like a bad movie that wouldn’t quit. I was sad all the time over the continued aggression, as well as the loss of the illusions I had unconsciously subscribed to. (“But we’re a family!” and “It’s supposed to be different than this!”)
Most importantly, though, I found myself removed from the happy, joyful person I was before. Instead, I was consumed by feeling angry, wronged, and resentful, seemingly unable to climb out of the hole of alienation and anger.
We all want to be accepted, seen, and loved, but it’s hard to feel any of those things when we’re too busy feeling victimized or picked on.
There’s no doubt that my partner’s father was out of line and that his behavior was disrespectful and hurtful, but there’s also no doubt that I allowed myself to be affected by it.
We’ve all heard that nothing ever goes away until it’s taught us what we need to know, and now that I’ve learned my lessons, I can tell you about some of the ways I was able to move past the anger and hurt:
1. Remember that people who seek to make others miserable are miserable themselves.
Most of us couldn’t imagine consciously attempting to tear down another human being through our words, and that’s because most of us are not in a place of such deeply rooted despair and self-loathing.
I had a very hard time understanding the hurtful things D said to me, and for many months I insisted on making it about my own inadequacy and wondering why I wasn’t good enough for him.
This went on until I came to understand that a person who is so accustomed to violence from within does not know how to function without creating external violence, as well.
Understanding this does not excuse the action of the aggressor, but by recognizing the source of the aggression, we can choose to extend compassion and understanding rather than returned aggression and venom.
2. Just do right.
As D’s attacks continued to get more and more violent, my partner’s family began to push me to appease D in order to smooth things over. The thing about this approach, however, is that although smoothing things over would’ve been expedient, it wasn’t exactly right; and as such, I didn’t want to do it.
I wanted to hold out. I wanted to insist upon better treatment, yes, but mostly I felt the need to stay true to myself and to uphold my own moral standards. As author Maya Angelou has said, “Right may not be expedient, it may not be profitable, but it will satisfy your soul. It will give you the kind of protection that bodyguards cannot provide.” And, of course, she’s right.
Part of freeing ourselves from the anger and resentment that surrounds negativity is to not allow ourselves to be altered by negativity. We may experience great external pressure to “go along to get along,” but, at the end of the day, it’s more important to act in a way that you can look back upon proudly.
3. Set boundaries.
It may seem like an oxymoron, but it is possible to establish and maintain compassionate boundaries. I couldn’t completely walk away from D because of his proximity and relationship to my partner, but I could make it very clear that I would not accept such attacks in the future.
By making our mental, emotional, and physical space into a safe harbor, we can carefully control what is allowed to enter our hearts and minds.
We might not be able to transform the person trying to harm us, and indeed it is not our job to do so, but by insisting upon the creation of a safe space, we make the tiny spot of earth upon which we stand a better place and, consequently, we render ourselves less available for hurtful attacks in the future.
4. Stay calm; stay true.
I had to fight to stay calm many times during the months following D’s attacks. Part of me wanted so badly to return venom, but looking back, I’m glad I never did.
As we all know, it’s easy to lose our heads when we are faced with an intensely emotional situation, especially one that feels like an assault on our dignity. But returning aggression for aggression ultimately does not serve us and, indeed, only serves to fuel the fire of the aggressor.
The best thing we can do when we feel overwhelmed with intense emotion is to transport ourselves mentally to a place five years down the road, look back at the situation, decide what type of action would make us proud in the future, and then act that way.
Getting angry might feel like a release in the moment, but that’s a false sense of righteousness. It’s better to state your truth quietly and calmly and remove yourself from the situation. By doing this, we refuse to allow ourselves to be transformed by the intensity of the emotions; instead, we act in a way that allows us to feel good about our actions, which is the first step to healing from the initial hurt.
5. Only do the work that is yours.
One of the toughest lessons I learned is that I couldn’t “fix” the situation, because the situation involved a lot more than just me. I wanted my partner to protect me. I wanted his family to respect me for standing my ground. I wanted a lot of things and, for months, I made myself crazy trying to get them.
It was only after I realized that I was waiting for someone else to “fix it” that I was finally able to let go.
I realized, finally, that if I was going to feel safe and respected and loved, it had to come from within.
If the boundaries were going to be set, I had to be the one to set them. If the safe space was going to be created, I had to be the one to create it. If a demand for better behavior was going tobe made, I had to be the one to make it. Furthermore, I had to be the one to behave better.
So, I started actively chasing the things that made me feel happy and safe: I invested myself fully in the beginning steps of a career that I love. I spent more time with friends and my family. I cooked huge meals for nobody but myself. I read ravenously. I went to therapy. I took long walks. And this is where the healing came from.
It’s inevitable that other people will hurt us. We can’t avoid it and we don’t even need to understand it entirely; all we need to do is learn to take care of ourselves when it does happen. We cannot change the actions or perceptions of other people, but we can change how we respond to them.
We can choose not to harbor anger and resentment; we can choose to forgive and to walk away. We can focus on the things that make us feel safe and happy and devote ourselves to nurturing those relationships and hobbies.
We can use the negativity of others to become stronger, happier, and more complete. We can rewrite the ending.
About Ashley Arcel
Ashley Arcel is a freelance writer and student Midwife. She is interested in writing as a way to fully embrace and explore the human experience and to celebrate the unique moments of joy and sorrow that are a part of individual discovery. She lives in Bozeman, Montana. Visit her at The Girl in Long Shorts.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Not so long ago I also experienced the pain of sever and repetiteve verbal abuse. This article is exactly what I needed to read at that moment and yet… back then I wouldn’t probably understand a lot what you said. Now I can only sign under your every word. Pure wisdom! I want to print it out and reread often.
Your story is inspirational story for me. Thanks for sharing
Bravo!! Every point has been perfectly calibrated to retain sanity and balance – and also to stop hurting. No reason to allow people that power (to hurt you) but this is an excellent framework to redress the pain.
I particularly love this “Understanding this does not excuse the action of the aggressor” which marks the boundaries very nicely :):)
Wisdom indeed :):)
Thank you for that lovely post.
Ashley – I’m truly sorry that you had to experience this and I hope someday you can have a more positive relationship with your partner’s father.
Meanwhile, I wanted to let you know that I really appreciated your post. After reading the first paragraph, I started generating my own list of how to handle such situations. Your list ended up being almost exactly the same as mine. Well done!!!
Bozeman Montana is a pretty place! Big sky and happy people 🙂
Thank you for this post! I’ve been struggling with moving past the anger I feel towards a past situation, and this definitely helps to put things in perspective.
As a side note, I’m taking a road trip to Bozeman in July to visit a friend. Maybe I’ll see you around town! :o)
I love this post, and you are 100% right! I have worked for nearly 8 years with a woman who does her best to make me feel small, stupid, inadequate and irrelevant. Trying to get the situation “right” through work channels has done nothing, so I had to change my attitude. It has taken me years of therapy, but I have finally gotten to the point where I can say to myself, “It’s her problem, not mine,” and do the work I love. My boss is happy with my work, as are other colleagues, and I refuse to let one miserable individual get to me.
I like the idea of doing a little mental time travel to 5 years in the future to imagine which actions taken in the present would make you proud of your response to the situation in the future. This seems like a good way to set an intention for the present that isn’t clouded by any negative emotions you might be feeling at the moment.
“…a person who is so accustomed to violence from within does not know how to function without creating external violence, as well.” I’ve never heard it put this way before. It makes so much sense. Thanks for an insightful post.
Very interesting and thought provoking. I think we all know when we step over the line but at the moment of realization it is already to late. I love the thought of looking at the event 5 years down the road, a really great method to slow down and breath before getting to involved in a negative situation. Be Well
Although I find this really inspiring and motivating, what was the reason for Mr. D verbally attacking you? It must of had some reason. I think you should’ve figure that out before you kept moving.
Also, I wanted to visit your website and It was just refreshing tinybuddha’s website. Make sure to fix that.
Great read.
Alanis Morrisette has a song called Madness that refers to what you are saying at the end of your post-
Send “Madness” Ringtone to your cell
I’ve been most unwilling
To see this turmoil of mine
The thought of sitting with this
Has me paralyzed
With this prolonged exposure
To near and averted eyes
I think that I’ve been waiting
Such mileage for empathizing
Now I see the madness in me
It’s brought out in the presence of you
Now I know the madness lives on
When you’re not in the room
Though I’d love to blame you for all I wish
I miss these moments of opportune
You simply brought this madness to light
And I should thank you
Oh, thank you, much thanks for this birds eye view
Oh, thank you for your most generous triggers
It’s been all too easy
To cross my arms and roll my eyes
The thought of dropping all arms
Leaves me terrified
And now I see the madness in me
It’s brought out in the presence of you
Now I know the madness lives on
When you’re not in the room
Though I’d love to blame you for all I wish
I miss these moments of opportune
You simply brought this madness to light
And I should thank you
Oh, thank you, much thanks for this birds eye view
Oh, thank you for your most generous triggers
II’d have to give up knowing
And give up being right
You inadvertent hero
You angel in disguise
Now I see the madness in me
It’s brought out in the presence of you
And now I know the madness lives on
When you’re not in the room
Though I’d love to blame you for all I wish
I miss these moments of opportune
You simply brought this madness to light
And I should thank you
Oh, thank you, much thanks for this birds eye view
Oh, thank you for your most generous triggers
Ashley, thank you for sharing your story. what inspires me most about this post is your realizations and insights you shared about doing the work within and ourselves. There’s not much we can do change external situations with relationships and most of the work can be done by us. this article is a good reminder that ultimately we have the power of choice in every situation – in how we react to situations. It’s easier to blame and finger point but real results come from focusing on ourselves.
Hi Ashley, Thanks for sharing your story, I really liked it 🙂 I agree with everything you said especially the part on choosing to extend compassion and understanding. It takes a big person to do that so good for you. Great post!
I had to learn the hard way when I was up against my in-laws for 14 years. What I know now, as much as I tried to keep the peace and do the right thing, they never did. The way they made me feel was never an issue. My husband stood by and watched me go through this alone.
What I learnt, just because they are your partner’s parents/family it does not mean you have to continue interacting with them, when they refuse to show you the same respect. Or that you have to continue carrying the pain they cause you.
That a/your partner has a part to play in ‘being’ your partner even more so when it’s their family. As mine never did. Their parent/family may not care that they are hurting you but if it came from someone they cared about, like their child,maybe then they would change.
I agree doing right by yourself and speaking with respect keeps your conscious clear (which I always did). The best thing I did was to not ever put myself in that environment again, since my partner/husband felt he could not speak up and I decided I deserved to be treated so much better.
“In life, it’s inevitable that other people will hurt us. We can’t avoid
it and we don’t even need to understand it entirely; all we need to do
is learn to take care of ourselves when it does happen. We cannot change
the actions or perceptions of other people, but we can change how we
respond to them.” Really wise words, thank you for sharing your story! 🙂
It feels so good to read your letters, yours words, your story…thank you for writing and inspiring me (and others) 🙂 The tiny buddha book and your and other stories give me energy/power to handle my situation right now (in my relationship and in work). Criss
Great article, thank you Ashley. To continue to stay in your own source of power, stay true to yourself while holding in the space of compassion through your ordeal, well done! Clearly, you’ve come through a wiser, even more compassionate and definitely stronger person. And such great insights and wisdom you can now share forth with others. Blessings to you xo
Thank you all for your wonderful, supportive comments! I didn’t expect such an outpouring! @kgjakovski:disqus I’m glad you asked that question as it is something I did not discuss in this article so as to avoid being defamatory or negative. It was an attack that essentially reduced me to the sum of my sexuality and physical appearance and it was borne out of a long and complicated history (on his end) of misogyny and alcoholism. That night was, with the exception of a few brief previous encounters, the first time we had met so it certainly was not based on any existing misgivings or negativity. Again, thank you all for your support!
I have gone through the same for 15 years and still on. My husband never stood up for me. Instead he blames me always. Today we had a huge fight and spoke about divorce for the nth time. While searching for some peace I came across this article. I feel for you as I am on the same boat. I will start working on setting boundaries now. No more giving respect to people who don’t deserve though.
“Getting angry may seem like a release for the moment, but it is a false sense of righteousness.” Wow. As someone that often has a problem with anger, I can say Amen to that. It feels good to pop off and let someone have it (verbally, of course…lol), but shortly thereafter, you realize that you played down to their level and made a royal fool of yourself. Thanks for the wonderful post.
I really needed this today! Last week I was crossing the street on my way home and then all of a sudden this car comes rolling towards me but luckily I jumped back. I was shocked and also thought I was in the wrong, so I looked up and confirmed it was my light. I looked at her and she kept looking up, seemingly lost? Did I mention she went WAY past the pedestrian crossing line? My initial reaction was she did this on purpose mixed with, maybe she is lost, as I assumed because she kept looking up, or avoiding eye contact with me. I wanted to believe she just wasn’t aware so I past her without saying a thing. But this situation keeps re-appearing in my mind. (Also, this happened a few months ago with a man in a truck, as I was crossing the street that was also my light. At that time, I was with my sister and enjoying the day, so I didn’t say anything either.)
I don’t know if my mind wanted to believe this, but the woman looked familiar. I thought to myself she looks like my neighbor from across the street, whose family has been causing trouble with mine. They have not been friendly towards my family.
The anger that comes from this stems from NOT HAVING SAID ANYTHING. In my mind, it wasn’t resolved. Truthfully, my initial response was very ugly, and I wanted to threaten this woman for her deliberate act, but I chose to walk away.
Unresolved and still angry, I knew about this website and I searched for an article that would help me let go of feeling wronged, and I come upon your story.
Point Number 1 about a person seeking to make another miserable is miserable themselves, which helped me to not identify with the act as something that is flawed in me, that caused the act.
Point Number 3, setting boundaries. I should of said something. I should have let it be known that it was my light and stand up for myself. Oddly enough, I am more upset with MYSELF than the other person, because I didn’t stand up for myself as needed, where my anger stemmed from.)
I needed another person to shed light about all the things I couldn’t comprehend, so thank you for this reminder and awareness! If there is a next time, I will definitely say my peace, and take a picture of their license plate instead! The fact that this happened twice just shows me that I still need practice standing up for myself! Ha!
This is really good. I just have one issue: your comment about getting angry. “Getting angry might feel like a release in the moment, but that’s a false sense of righteousness”. Are you confusing anger with revenging, agression, violence? Anger is the emotion we feel when wronged. It is the feeling that allows us to set boundaries. Ive spent too msny years “not getting angry” and therefore never stood up for myself because hey I was not angry.
Now it is right and good to get angry and it is a goid release and it does give my a true sense of rightness and what is wrong. And csn use it to motivate you to stand up to the wrong, fight the injustice instead of smiling snd looking the other way.
Love this. There was a time I searched and searched for answers to this challenge, and had to work through the solutions on my own. Wish I had found this earlier! Still, I took a lot away from it. Thank you.
Hi, I just want to say thank you for this article, I am having a very difficult time with something somebody has done to me and this really helped me to see things in a better light and stop the pain that it was causing me. It helped me realise that I CAN let go, that I can be the better person and that I can walk away, and that actually there is possibly a silver lining here. Thank you x
Thank you so much for this, Ashley & Tiny Buddha!
I’ve actually had to go through a similar bout with my boyfriend’s mom & golly was it stressful because I was only 3 months into that relationship! Thankfully, my boyfriend was supportive enough to stand for what I am & defended me when he knows I was being wronged. Though the hurt had cut deep, and the words she said not only about me but my own family rings clear till today..
I’m grateful to be able to read something like this as I’ve been searching for a way to be consciously free from the bad memory & to get out of harbouring any negative emotions as it doesn’t benefit my boyfriend & I or even for my own family in the long run. So thank you so much for this!
These types of articles always tell you what you should be doing, but not how to do it. “Create a safe space” sounds great, but when you break it down, it’s fluff. Create a safe space how? By doing what? Same with “Set boundaries;” and what happens when those boundaries are crossed? What do you do then?
Its very inspiring .Thanks a lot .