“Boundaries are a part of self-care. They are healthy, normal, and necessary.” ~Doreen Virtue
I still have the journal entry that sparked my journey into boundary setting. It says, in striking black pen, “I wish I could speak my truth. If I can learn to speak my truth before I die, I will die a happy woman.”
Dramatic? Maybe. But I was tired of being a pushover, a people-pleaser.
I’d written it the day after I’d been the recipient of unwanted advances at a bar. For thirty minutes, a stranger had engaged me in aggressive conversation, peppered in flirtation, and slipped his bony hand around my waist. I’d tolerated his behavior with a fake smile before escaping to the bathroom.
As often used to happen, I couldn’t speak up for myself. I’d waited in silence, hoping the man would mind-read my discomfort and give me space. The next morning, I took my pen and articulated what I saw as my Great Frontier in life: setting boundaries, communicating authentically, and heeding the needs of my inner self.
This challenge presented in all areas of my life. My tendency to people-please led to a sense of imbalance in relationships with friends, lovers, and colleagues. Sometimes, it manifested as mildly as staying too long in a conversation that bored me, or offering to help a friend when I didn’t have the time. Sometimes it was as extreme as sleeping with someone I didn’t want to sleep with because I didn’t want to “hurt his feelings.”
I was constantly betraying myself, constantly designing my life around others’ desires. The result was a life that felt mediocre, underwhelming, and not quite my own.
From an early age, women are taught to be people-pleasing, accommodating, and self-sacrificial. Over time, we can lose our connection to our authentic, empowered selves beneath the weight of our commitments, our imbalanced relationships, and our carefully constructed personas.
Everything changed when I went through a challenging breakup and awoke to the reality that I’d always been the sole person responsible for my own happiness.
I realized that this was my chance to develop a nurturing, supportive relationship with my inner self: the woman beneath the performing and the people-pleasing. For the first time, I made a commitment to become my own first priority, set firm boundaries, and communicate authentically with others. The rest is history.
If you leave conflicts wishing you’d spoken up for yourself; if you feel drained in social situations because you feel like you’re performing; if you over-commit to obligations and under-commit to activities that bring you joy; if you agree to be intimate with people, but later regret your decision; if you feel like you give much more than you receive in your relationships: this can be the year you break the pattern and begin speaking—and living—your truth.
Here are nine tips that break down the boundary-setting journey into simple, actionable habits.
1. Name your feelings in interactions with others.
Challenging emotions like overwhelm, anger, and frustration can be helpful guideposts as you uncover when, where, and with whom to set boundaries. These emotions signal that others might be impinging on your personal time or space. Developing literacy with your own emotions enables you to set impactful boundaries in the future.
Instead of pushing the feelings away, ask yourself, “What am I feeling? Why am I feeling this way? What would need to change for me to feel safer?”
2. Prepare your well-being disclaimer.
Preface conversations about boundaries with a disclaimer to set the stage for a compassionate, permissive discussion. (This can be a particularly useful tool if you’re concerned about rocking the boat by changing entrenched patterns in existing long-term relationships with family or lovers).
Break the ice by sharing your resolution to set boundaries. Explain why it’s important to you and how you believe it will benefit you. Centering your own well-being sparks a meaningful exchange around an indisputable value: your own wellness and health.
3. Express gratitude when others set boundaries.
Folks who have trouble setting boundaries usually have trouble responding to boundaries set by others.
Before I began setting my own boundaries, I often felt dismissed, angry, or rejected when friends or lovers put limits on our interactions. As I began to understand that people set boundaries to protect their own well-being, I intentionally cultivated an attitude of gratitude by responding to others with “I value your honesty” or “I appreciate you sharing that with me”—even if the boundary was hard to hear.
These friends and lovers became my role models and helped me envision what a healthily boundaried life could look like.
4. Practice saying “no thanks” without giving a reason.
It’s common to feel like you need to explain your boundaries to others. But you don’t—and sometimes the simplest, most honest response is “No, thanks.” (Giving an excuse or falsifying your reasoning can ultimately leave you feeling guilty or out of alignment with your inner self.)
Practice saying “No, thanks” and nothing more. Start small; say “No, thanks” when your housemate asks if you want to watch a TV show, or “No, thanks” to the person who wants to buy you a drink at the bar.
5. Craft a VIP-Only list.
Without a clear sense of your own boundaries, you may regularly overshare personal information. Though truth-telling is a powerful exercise, sharing too much too quickly can make others feel uneasy, and may leave you feeling uncomfortably overexposed.
If you have a history of TMI, create a VIP-Only list: a list of sensitive topics that you will only discuss with trusted people who make you feel safe and seen. Using this list as a guideline will help you develop a sense of self-trust as you maintain your privacy and build a community of dependable confidants.
6. Take a break from a toxic friendship.
Perhaps you have a friend who constantly uses you as a sounding board for his or her dilemmas, or asks for favors but never gives in return. Perhaps you have a friend whose personal struggles impose on your own sense of well-being.
One of the most difficult, yet most rewarding forms of boundary setting is to take a break from the relationships that no longer serve you.
If you have a one-sided friendship that leaves you feeling unseen, unheard, or disrespected, resolve to take a break from that relationship. And remember: It is not selfish or cruel to put your own well-being first. Healthy friendships are reciprocal and mutually nourishing, not one-sided and depleting.
7. Create a post-boundary-setting mantra.
If you have a history of people-pleasing, setting boundaries will be a major adjustment to old patterns, complete with the requisite growing pains. As such, it’s totally normal to feel guilty, selfish, or embarrassed after setting a (completely valid) boundary.
Be gentle with yourself and acknowledge that your boundary-setting muscle takes time to develop. In the meantime, prepare a mantra to refer to after setting difficult boundaries with others. It can be as simple as: “I set boundaries to feel safe,” or “Setting boundaries is an act of self-love.”
Your mantra can be your anchor, a permanent reminder that this journey, though difficult, has your best interests at heart.
8. Designate a cheerleader.
Throughout my boundary-setting process, I benefitted immensely by sharing my successes with a best friend who cheered me on at every turn. She bore witness to my journey and helped me acknowledge my progress when I was feeling self-critical.
Set yourself up for success by designating a cherished friend, family member, or partner to be your boundary cheerleader. Explain your intention to set better boundaries and your desire for a supportive buddy throughout the process. When you set a new boundary, let your cheerleader know, and carve out the space—in person, over the phone, or with a high-five emoji—for the two of you to celebrate your success.
9. Imagine how your life will be different.
Instead of focusing on oversharing and people-pleasing less, imagine the many ways you will benefit from setting boundaries. Gently allow yourself to imagine how your life will be different when you begin to speak your truth. How will you change? How will your daily life become richer? How might you feel more authentic in your relationships? Keep your vision at the forefront as you make the decisions that are best for you, day by day.
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Boundaries are tools that enable us to feel safe, strong, and empowered in our relationships. As your journey progresses, you’ll begin to feel more empowered by the truth that it’s not only your right, but your duty, to make the choices that are best for you.
About Hailey Magee
Hailey Magee is a Codependency Recovery Coach who helps individuals conquer people-pleasing, set empowered boundaries, and master the art of speaking their truth. She has worked with over 100 clients from the US, Canada, Ireland, France, South Africa, and more. Sign up for a complimentary consultation to learn how coaching can help you live from a place of authenticity and inner freedom. You can follow Hailey on Facebook and Instagram, or visit www.haileymagee.com.
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So do we cut out the ‘toxic’ relationships that aren’t ‘serving us’ before we try to shift the relationship? Because this makes it sound as if part of the creation of boundaries is just to ghost on these people. I agree with so much of this, but there seems to be a lot of guidance that advises to just cut people off if they take too much of our energy or are ‘toxic’. I think a commenter below talks about how ‘boundaries’ are often used for nefarious self-serving purposes (control, manipulation, convenience).
Thank you for a brilliant article! Something which I will certainly follow in 2019!
I discovered that I was an Empath a year ago and part of being an Empath was being a people-pleaser! I had no idea that I was! I enjoyed helping people and being there for them, but this enlightening helped me to see that I was giving without it being reciprocated leading to imbalanced friendships and burn out.
I’ve been learning about boundaries and walking away from toxic relationships/friendships where I felt unseen and taken for granted. Putting myself first wasn’t easy! I’ve had it bred into me that I should put other’s needs before mine, but it is very necessary for my health and wellbeing! Some people were not able to understand the change in me, but they were mostly the people who were emotionally abusive to me!
The most important thing I have learnt is that self-love is NEVER selfish!!
Blessings for 2019!
Julie, thanks so much for sharing your story! As you mention in your story, it can be challenging to find the balance between healthy empathy and unhealthy people-pleasing.
You say in your story: “Some people were not able to understand the change in me, but they were mostly the people who were emotionally abusive to me!” It reminds me of one of my favorite quotes: “The only people who get upset about you setting boundaries are the ones who were benefiting from you having none.” I like to keep this in mind when folks in my life react negatively to the boundaries I set.
Best of luck on your boundary-setting journey of 2019 – I’ll be right there with you! <3
In my opinion,”boundaries” can also be used as an excuse not to help out.
Example, I am a caregiver to my kind loving elderly handicap parent, My two, (extremely bonded,) sister-in-laws have used this term “boundaries” as an excuse not to assist.
When each one was assisting it always their way …not what the parent wanted. (One sister-in-law is a PhD therapist. Truly, I am shocked at the other techniques she has employed along with “boundaries” such as a recent practice of “gas-lighting,” if I was not in the room each time a call was made about a particular topic, my elderly parent would have thought they were loosing it: shameful!)
People who have meanness already built in, I typically walk away from, but they married into our family: shockingly my brothers are followers to it.
So, now I, (the “people-pleaser” person,) am in the midst of setting healthy “boundaries” and my elderly parent is choosing to push away from them also with a broken heart…his/her well-being comes first…and what they are doing is not only wrong it is hurtful and damaging to their parent/parent-in-law.
When terms like “boundaries” are used as a means to control or just be nasty or not show up & help out it is ultimately wrong.
On a final note: yes, I know I am better off without these types of nasty personalities interfering with the overall welfare of my parent; however, it is still difficult & quite sad because it is family.
Great article.
It’s very sad when family members treat you like an unpaid employee instead of real family….family should be neither users nor usees except as personalities, not hired help. I haven’t figured out what to do about it because often children are involved, or disabilities, or somebody’s “dreams” for their life that require family to submit to a regime. Sometimes you just have to suck it up, but NEVER lie to yourself. If you’re treated as an ATM or a “nanny” without a personal life going on, you MUST find genuine affection from pets, church, other family members who can tell it like it is. You must get it real.
Thanks for sharing your experience, Phillip. Setting “just right” boundaries that are neither too loose nor too rigid can be a challenge – particularly with family members. I wish you luck!
Thank you — and thanks for reading, Marson!
Deanna, I totally agree that finding sources of reciprocal care and genuine affection is critical to a person’s well-being. I mention in a comment above that family environments are perhaps the most challenging for setting healthy boundaries because they come laden with family history, marital dynamics, intergenerational caregiving, and more. I don’t believe that a family system can ever be completely healthy if one family member entirely subverts her own dreams or well-being for another family member. Finding the balance can be a challenge.
I really appreciate you sharing your story. Family environments are perhaps the most challenging for setting healthy boundaries because they come laden with family history, marital dynamics, intergenerational caregiving, and more. I agree that boundaries should not be used with the intention to control someone else; they should be used to preserve and protect the boundary-setter’s well-being. I honor how hard it must be – for both you and your parent – to weather these challenging dynamics. I wish you both the best.
I had terrible trouble with my step mother who was domineering and thought I existed for her convenience, although she always claimed we were best friends. She expected me to be eternally available to drive her to places cancelling my own arrangements and would turn nasty if I as much as suggested she learnt to drive, despite being an incessant back seat driver. She also expected me to get her meals ( even when I was studying hard for exams) as she was obsessed with her job and became tired because of it. Eventually, she did learn to drive ( it seems ironically, that she was afraid of driving, but enjoyed it once she started ) and then had the problem of non drivers treating her just as she treated me-then she began to understand. It also seemed that she was terrified of making a mistake in her job, which was why she overdid it and brought far more than was necessary home. When I got away, she stocked her freezer with ready meals and frozen veg a thing I rarely do. When I casually mentioned this to her years later her attitude was ” oh I thought you liked cooking/ coming places with me” The moral Dear Reader – COMMUNICATION you just HAVE to explain how you feel because the longer one is allowed to take advantage the more difficult it becomes to break the pattern. Good Luck to all who take this advice-it won’t be easy but the benefits will be amazing for all involved (I don’t think my step mother would have ever learnt to drive had I not kept on telling her to).
Well put. Boundaries used as a way to avoid helping when in need. It’s out of self-fishness rather than self-preservation or self-care.
Lovly post keep share with us
I have a mother who belittles me and mocks me when I try to express my emptions or when I try to set boundaries and in turn I have resorted to just keeping quiet and to myself but, when I do this instead of trying to tell her how I feel she pulls these moves on me where she says “Why have you got a spanked ass face?” or she’ll walk around the house and call me ‘misery’ and similar things like that. Ant then when I snap after holding it in for so long, she pulls the “If you don’t like it, you can go back and live with your father (where I was abused by my stepmother, she says that because she knows it terrifies me). Or she’ll say how she does so much for me and, because I am angry or upset, I am ungrateful and spoiled. I am 17 years old and I cook, clean, and look after our dogs because if I don’t she comes home and says “I’ve been at work all day and you sit on your ass doing nothing (I ALWAYS clean and cook and I still try to get my school work done, which on average takes 8-10 hours a day and go to the gym for an hour to keep myself sane) I don’t know how to deal with her, I now just act like what she says doesn’t bother me because I don’t want to fight or be forced to go back to my abusive step-mom. But if I’m being completely honest, it feels like I am still living with my stepmother. No matter where I go, I get emotionally and mentally abused. It is truly exhausting to always feel like I am in survival mode even around my own mother. Please advise.
Thank you.