“You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.” ~Maya Angelou
Several months ago, I moved into a new house. During the inspection of my old house, I was expecting to receive my whole security deposit back.
I didn’t. The landlady took advantage of the situation and withheld part of my deposit.
She charged me the price of cleaning the whole house even though I was only renting a room in the house. And she charged for me something that was already damaged when I moved in, falsely claiming that I was the one who damaged the item.
There really wasn’t much I could do. The amount of money she was keeping wasn’t enough to make legal action worthwhile. Nor, obviously, could I force her to give me the money.
What made the situation even worse is that I had repeatedly gone out of my way to help the landlady. Whenever she asked me for a simple favor, I did my best to oblige.
The truth is that I considered her a friend. Yet in the end, all she cared about was money.
Anyone who knows me knows that I’m a calm, easy-going person. It takes a lot to get me upset.
This got me upset. I ranted. I raved. I yelled. All to no avail.
I was completely powerless to change the situation, which is probably what caused me to react the way I did.
I’m not proud of how I acted in this situation. I obviously felt quite frustrated and my feeling of powerlessness fueled my anger.
At the same time, I know that I could have handled the situation better, that I could have behaved in a more mature way.
Since this happened several months ago, I’ve had plenty of time and emotional distance to think through what I could have done differently.
When possible, prepare ahead of time for the worst.
I was caught off guard. Before the meeting with my ex-landlady, I never considered the possibility that she might withhold part of my deposit.
If I had a do-over, I would have mentally prepared myself ahead of time for this possibility. The benefit of preparing for the worst is that I would have overestimated the amount she might withhold.
I still would have been upset about not getting my full deposit back, but much less so.
Advocate for yourself without losing control.
Even if you’re in a situation in which the other person has control, you can still advocate for your position. You can try to get the other person to see your point of view and perhaps negotiate an agreement.
Losing control, however, doesn’t allow the other person to hear our point of view and rarely gets us what we want.
Instead, losing control can cause situations to degenerate quickly and can lead us to act in ways that we later regret.
If you calmly advocate for yourself, there’s no guarantee you’ll get your way. But losing control does guarantee that you won’t get what you want.
Take the higher road and preserve your integrity.
If the other person has complete or almost complete power over the situation and they refuse to compromise or negotiate, you’re probably best off taking the higher road and preserving your integrity.
Be the bigger person. Just because someone else chooses to act without integrity, that doesn’t mean that we have to follow them.
My yelling and ranting and raving accomplished nothing, except to make myself look foolish. And to lower my opinion of myself.
I don’t want to be the type of person who yells and rants and raves. I want to be the type of person who can assert my position calmly. That’s where my integrity is.
Acknowledge your own imperfections.
The truth is that I’m far from perfect.
Have I ever engaged in similar behavior, being less than honest with someone else, taking advantage of someone else? The answer is yes.
In Byron Katie’s The Work, she asks us to do “turnarounds” in which we look inward at our own behavior rather than focus outward on other people’s behavior.
When I did this, I was able to generate a list of times when I’ve taken advantage of other people, just like my ex-landlady took advantage of me.
If we want others to be honest in their dealings with us, we need to start by changing our own behavior first. Treat others the way you want to be treated.
Forgive the other person.
You don’t have to like the other person’s behavior. But you can still forgive them for the choices they’ve made.
Forgiveness isn’t about the other person; forgiveness is about maintaining our own peace of mind. Forgiveness allows us to let go of anger and return to a state of peace.
On the other hand, holding onto anger gains us nothing, causes us more pain, and keeps us stuck in the path.
Get help or eliminate the person from your life.
In my situation, there was no need to have ongoing contact with the woman who took advantage of me.
But that’s not always the case. You might be in a situation where someone who is a regular part of your life is taking advantage of you.
If you are, then you need to take a good hard look at the situation and decide how you want to handle it.
You might choose to eliminate the person from your life if they’re unwilling to accept responsibility and change their behavior.
If you can’t eliminate the person from your life, then another option is to elicit help or support from someone else. Someone who has more power to change the situation then what you have.
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Chances are, at some point in your life, you’ve been taken advantage of by someone you trusted. And you felt powerless to do anything about it.
In the end, we can’t control others’ behavior, but we can control our own. We do have power over our own choices.
We might feel helpless in these situations, but the reality is that we’re anything but helpless. The next time you’re in a situation where someone is taking advantage of you, I encourage you to take a pause and mindfully decide how you want to handle the situation.
Sad woman image via Shutterstock
About Ed Herzog
Ed Herzog is a life coach whose mission is to help people discover an authentic career path – one that allows them to use their talents and passions to make a positive contribution to the world. If you’re searching for an authentic career path, you can start today by downloading his FREE guide: 10 Powerful Questions For Discovering Your Life Purpose.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
But what happens when your government becomes your ‘landlord’ ?
I’m awfully sorry that this is such a long message, but I don’t really know what to do with this one person at the moment.
I’m in a situation where I don’t even know if the person is really taking advantage of me or not. I moved to a new country and met someone randomly. He kind of became my friend, but the more time we spent together, the closer he was getting even though I showed no signs of wanting to do the same, especially because he knows that I’m in a relationship.
After some meetings he told me that he would consider a relationship with me, but for the obvious reason that I am in one and others (like the fact that he’s A LOT older than me and I’m not the type for that), I told him that that will never be possible and that we can only remain friends if he’s okay with that.
The next time we met he didn’t try to get closer to me anymore, but – just as he was from the very beginning – he was awfully pushy. I even told him about my introversion (which I don’t do many times) and that I need lots of space. He said that he was okay with that, but even on that very day he wanted to go to more places with me. I kind of went along with it.
At the end of the day we sat down at a café though and he talked very badly of things that are very important to me. I wasn’t able to stand it anymore but pretty much contained my anger and told him that he should never even touch those topics. He got that.
What also annoyed me that day was that he kept on mentioning little things about having a closer relationship with me. He’s going to move soon and said that he could come to visit me every few weeks, even though we only met a few times and he will live a few hundred miles(!) away.
On my way home I got more and more furious about pretty much everything that had to do with him and wrote him that I don’t want to meet him anymore for now, because I’m not okay with meeting someone who has too many feelings for me and who states such negative things. He apologized a lot but didn’t want to talk about his feelings for me anymore. He said we could be just friends like I want to, but I can’t really believe him that he would just stop having those feelings, even if he doesn’t show me. Now he keeps on messaging about really trivial things, keeps on apologizing for what he said and talks about all the movies that he watched, just because I mentioned them to him and keeps on asking about meeting him, even though I made it very clear that I don’t feel like talking to him.
Could anyone tell me what they think of the situation? I’ve tried everything but he doesn’t seem to want to back off.
I’m sorry for what you’re going through. In my opinion you need to completely cut ties with this person. You clearly feel uncomfortable with him. And as long as he thinks he has a chance with you, he’ll find a way to keep pressuring you. He may change tactics but I doubt he’ll stop.
I know moving to a new country can be challenging but I really think you’re best off finding people who honor who you are as a person and who respect your boundaries.
I agree with Ed. I have had similar experiences to yours before. Even when you tell some people there’s no chance you would enter into any sort of relationship with them, they don’t believe your words; instead, they read your behavior (continuing to hang around him) to mean that he has a (however slight) chance. As Ed said, as long as he believes he has this chance, he will NOT stop trying. People like him have been successful in the past and they feel they can be successful with you as well, as long as they persevere. Again, I have experienced this same thing many times when I was a less assertive person than I am now; like you, I am an introvert as well and I believe others may have trouble reading our signals correctly because of that. I believe you should just stop being around him and responding to any attempts on his part to contact you. You will meet many other friends in time who would never think of pushing past your boundaries nor wearing down your will. Best wishes.
I feel like this type of behavior – trying to get as much out of other people – is becoming more and more common these days, as demands of life seem much more stressful than ever before. I’ve also been blind-sided by people I’ve trusted – ranging from simply outrageous behavior that was/feels ill-intended, to low-level but repeated cheeky “taker” behavior of friends, or due to lack of manners/social grace. It used to throw me off so much to be/feel taken advantage of – and I think that was because I had a very low self-esteem, and large part of being upset was actually being upset with myself for having been taken advantage of (and upset also that I couldn’t stay calm). We should certainly look at our own imperfections (including acknowledging that we’ve taken advantage of other people in the past, trying not to get too emotional), but I think it’s also important that you don’t deny yourself the chance to acknowledge and accept that it’s natural and ok to be upset when someone takes advantage of you, and that you weren’t to be blamed for being taken advantage of (except in cases where you didn’t / aren’t drawing necessary boundaries). Letting go of anger and forgiving the other person is much easier when you accept the fact that you feel hurt, angry, etc. rather than trying to simply calm down because you “should” be handling the situation better or only because peaceful mindset is better for you.
Thank you very much for your reply! I don’t know why, but I needed someone to tell me that I’m doing the right thing by keeping him out of my life now.
I think it’s just because I know what it feels like to be rejected, it happened to me many times, but at the same time I know that this friendship wouldn’t end in a good place and that someone who doesn’t even understand my most basic needs will understand anything beyond that.
Thank you for your answer as well!
It’s kind of sad, I know that he’s lonely and on some level he just wants a friend, but on another level he wants a whole lot more. As you said, I know that he won’t stop trying. I really have to push him out of my life – I don’t like being cruel but I tried to explain it in many nice ways, he STILL doesn’t understand it or doesn’t want to, I guess.
I also realized that by now I only feel pity for him, which is definitely not healthy for a friendship. I’ve done this before – staying with people because I know there’s no one else for them there, which is a terrible and unfair thing to do and it never ends well.
Thank you again for your replies, Ed and DB Hoster. It helped me to understand what I’m really thinking just by writing it down and by hearing some responses on it.
It’s easy to think this way BEFORE a situation, when you read an article like this, or AFTER a situation, but when something happens, you have no way of predicting it, so this article really isn’t very realistic. Especially for anyone with mental illnesses.
I like your comment and appreciate your perspective. I feel like the suggestions in the article may not be the best for some people. First, I think there is a fine line between “preparing for the worst” and engaging in catastrophic thinking. I think it can be a very unhealthy mind state to constantly consider the worst possible outcomes, particularly when we are dealing with people with whom we have built a trusting relationship. If we are thinking about ways in which they could possibly screw us over, then there is no trust at all and we spend our lives disconnected and expecting the worst. Second, refocusing their conduct on ourselves, or a turnaround as the author calls it, can be helpful in allowing us to relate to and forgive the other person, but it also sounds like it could be a recipe for feeding low self-esteem. If you already have negative inner voices, thinking about how you have done similar bad things in the past can all to easily lead you to believe that you deserved the bad outcome or make you upset that you should have known you would be treated this way. I can understand though for others that do not typically engage in this manner of thinking, as it sounds like the author does not, the above advice may be sound. For me I prefer to trust that others with whom I have built a trusting relationship, subject to reasonable boundaries. If they have hurt and angered me in a way that it is outside of their character as I know it, it is best to feel that hurt, disappointment and anger when it arises, forgive them after experiencing my feelings to the extent I am able by generally accepting that we all have imperfections, and then draw more protective boundaries with them going forward if they are to remain a part of my life.
sometimes we are not able to understand the true intentions of friends and co workers and keep on giving them chance to build trust and relationships . we have to understand that if a person really values you , they should change in one or two instances . But what if the behavior further deteriorates, even after several counselling sessions given to a person by friends and self? people make you friends , Gain your trust and when you become dependent for their love , they manipulate , Abuse and control your life the way they want? what should be the solution to such people., and what may be the intentions of such people?
Glad that you found value in my reply. Best wishes with everything!
Thanks June and Mrbeen38 for your comments. I agree that there’s no “one size fits all” in terms of how to handle these situations. Every situation and every person is unique. My suggestions may work for some people in some situation but obviously it’s impossible to cover all possibilities. Your comments have definitely added to the discussion of how to handle these sorts of situations!
Seema – In my opinion, situations with friends and co-workers tend to be the most difficult. I was lucky that my situation was temporary. But when you have an ongoing relationship with someone, I would suggest that you have the following general options: 1) leave the situation completely, 2) change your internal responses, 3) change your eternal responses (be more assertive, set strong boundaries, 4) get help from others. This doesn’t guarantee that you’ll get what you want or that the other person will change. However, they do allow you to exercise YOUR power.
Thanks ed , almost tried all the options . Problem is self created the attachment we develop and become emotionally weak and dependent on close friends and are not able to get firm, set boundaries or let go
What you are doing is perfectly fine. You shouldn’t feel sad because he is lonely, you already done whatever you could. If he really wanted your friendship he should have done it more naturally. Pushing someone for friendship or for anything will never work. It only makes things worse. You have to forgive him and yourself as well and if possible stop thinking about this issue anymore. Pretend that it has already healed and move on with you life. Lastly never for a single moment blame yourself or held yourself responsible for his sadness.
Wish you peace, happiness and clarity.
Another timely post and just what I needed to read. I would never think to treat people do badly and was wholly unprepared for a situation where someone I cared for took advantage of my kindness and my feelings for him. I finally just cut him out of my life. People like this don’t think the same way some of us do. They see kindness and generosity as a weakness and something to take advantage of. They aren’t the kind of people I want in my life.
I recently was taken advantage of. I think one thing that is forgotten in this article and something that we should also observe is: the fact that it is great to forgive but I never want to forget. I want to transfer my feeling of being taken advantage of to another realm – one that can help me in my future relations.
The essence of this part – forgetting should be something that is taken into consideration – almost like creating a record of our personal experience. Never forgetting builds immunity. It opens a space for recording – life experiences and pulling them out when needed. Ultimately we must consider our experiences so that we can prepare for new experiences that may or may not serve for us. I think this is where our pain comes from – whether it is guilt, trauma, losing hard earned money or simply being treated unfairly. I think anger should always be converted into a constructive energy source that serves us in our new experiences so that we can avoid feeling guilt or hatred. I know these feelings make us feel hurt and off balance – I’ve been there. I find that letting these feeling that are inside me come out is part of the cleansing process. If I deny these feelings the longer they stay until I direct and convert this feeling (being taken advantage of – to my internal log). Talking about it – writing about it and sharing it will all help us create an internal dialogue so that we are conscious the next time around.
– Anonymous Writer
It has taken me a very long time to get over having been taken advantage of. I came to the aid of someone I was in a relationship with, by lending him some money so that he could pursue child support. It’s a long story. He has just been extremely nasty to me almost from the moment the loan was made. Almost two years later, he has not paid back the money. He has never said thank you. I have decided to take him to small claims court to get the money back.
I’m trying very hard to take the focus off of his behaviour now and try to find what I need to learn from this situation. It’s really changed my outlook in life, as I find it very hard to trust. I’m no longer as open as I used to be with people and really have no desire to put myself on the line to help people anymore, except those friends and family who I’ve been close to for many years. Perhaps that will change with time, but it hasn’t yet. And the processing of the emotions surrounding it comes in fits and starts. I want it over with, completely. I wish I had never met this man.
it’s the great topic. I’m also facing the similar situation. it’s between me and my team leader at work. He always takes advantage of my work achievement and has my remuneration never paid in full amount. He’s so proud of himself for being just a team leader and the one that top manager’s trustworthy staff. Of course, he holds an abroad degree and he’s the friendliest one among all the staff. I’m currently assigned to work with him. Although he’s a team leader, he’s supposed to help me complete the task but he rarely do. He only waits me to finish the work and he’s the one who wrap thing up and report to boss. When the result is good he always says everything is because of his help. He tells me that the boss won’t accept my work if he doesn’t help. As all staff are rewarded according to how jobs are done, he says I should get only a portion since he’s the one who decide how much team member can get. The rest of it goes to his remuneration. That’s the reason he grabs this chance to take advantage on my reward. I know I’m the foolish one. I should have reported to the boss about this but it will cost me. Since he’s the boss’s favorite, the boss won’t listen to me. Since he’s highly educated, other staff won’t believe that he would do that and I will be the one who is guilt of being jealousy for his position. Since he is the one who is very sociable among employees and I’m the one who isn’t as outgoing as him, no one will think he does like that to me. I do have closed friend at work but they also can’t do anything. That person is really influence on my office. If I report bad about him, I know he’ll trick my boss to believe that I’m jealous of him and I’ll lose all my job. I really love my job. I want to change but I can’t. it’s due to my devotion to this job and to support my family. I always pray one day his true face will be publicly revealed. I just keep calm but sometimes I really want to punch him in the face for his greedy. I try to work and he tries to show off his power. I have no voice because of my low social relationships. My parents know this and they say keep doing good and bad people will be punished someday. I just want to have peace in mind and I really feel irritated of his presence in my office being a team leader. I hope there is a way I can get him out of my life. Otherwise, I have to lose my current job. Could you suggest me any idea please?
Hi, this has happened to me recently. Just keep an eye for gold diggers in the future, they are many men who engage in such activities. All the best of luck! BTW, it’s not you, it’s him
You don’t actually know what will happen until you expose the situation to your superiors. You keep assuming they will favour him, but it hasn’t actually happened. You can always get another job, but you should never not honour yourself
Thank you for this. I can really relate. It’s almost the same situation but in my case it was my former fitness instructor. Thank you so much for writing this. It made me feel like I’m not the only one who experience things like this. And thank you for the advice!
i am fed up and so angry i want to literally physically hurt people that do this, i find i get taken advantage of all the time, i am a very nice trustworthy human being who is open and honest to all those i meet and have known for years, i don’t like conflict and i always naturally try to avoid these situations, but enough is enough it happens too often to me for me to keep burying my head in the sand so i’m trying to empower myself by reading blogs like this and hopefully reach out to someone with the right idea’s and ways to respond to people who do this. but i feel from reading some of these responses that the only answer this blog is giving is to smile and basically just take it, basically be the better man/woman, well i can tell you now that is not a response and i’ve done that for years and all that happens is the cycle begins again, and that for me is letting them win i want these people to suffer and feel just as stupid or more so as i felt when they took advantage of me and my good nature. I know that i should be much less open with people but that is something that i find very hard to do as its ingrained in me i find its part of what makes me who i am and its something i quite like about me as well as dislike, how do i control this??? how can i make those who take advantage of me suffer as i do??? my only one thought is to become smarter and better at these mind games than they are but how do i do that???
Smile at them like you know their true agenda-which your gut will usually tell you. Calmly be firm and true to yourself.
I’m in a situation myself I live with my boyfriend who is also my 3 kids father but I feel as if he takes advantage and is a little unfair. We both make about the same amount yearly but I have always been the responsible one when it comes to finances. We have lived together for 10 years and this is the first time both of our names is on the lease. It’s usually just in my name and my responsibility. I recently paid off my truck without any help from the day I purchased it and recently went and bought a new one just because I wanted something new now I have car note and he drives the truck that I paid off. I pay for both car insurance and my car note and we split the remainder of our bills down the middle. I currently pay $900 more a month than him just between the insurance and the car note. He feels that he should not have to pay anything for the truck because it’s not his but he has been driving it now for a year and it has some mechanical problems. Even though it is my truck I don’t feel as if I should have to pay for it when I’m not the one using it to commute. I recently told him that I’m going to sell it and use the money towards The new car to pay it down some and he says that I’m being selfish. I think it’s rediculous when we live together and have kids that we’re arguing about something that’s a no brainier.
Break her fucking legs mate, violence is very persuasive and is used world round by the authorities, even God wiped the earth of scum, don’t let pc fool you, we are a fighting species, when people believe you wont break their legs, they will take advantage of that and even laugh at your “forgiveness”, the moral is, when they believe you to be weak, break their legs and put a tricycle next to them. Cya cunts.
Back in 1999, I helped my sister with her household chores. I helped her because her and her husband asked me to help because their daughter was in a bad accident, and my sister had to take her daughter out for daily activities. My sister’s husband was retired, and stayed at home with me while I did their household chores. I helped my sister from October,1999- November 2007, that’s 8 years. I helped my sister at least 2 days a week, Sometimes I helped her 3 days a week if her and her husband had to go someplace together. In that case, I would stay at their home, while doing the chores and also watching their disabled daughter. From July, 2008 to March 10, 2009, my sister and her husband were going through a Divorce. During that time, my sister and her husband’s family wore making false accusations about my sister’s husband and myself. My sister believed these accusations and kept repeating them to me. I had to stand up to her in-laws, because my sister would not confront them about their lies about me. All during the time that I was helping my sister from 1999-2007, my sister led me on to believe that she loved me and trusted me. Yet she was hiding her resentment towards me behind my back. She told me that I was around her husband too much. Of course, I was around her husband because she asked me to help her. My question to her is, if she didn’t approve of me being around her husband, then why did she allow me to help her, when helping her meant that the situation would put me in the position of being around her husband? Instead of telling me her suspicions and assumptions while I was helping her, she just led me on to believe that she trusted me by lying to me and giving me the impression that she trusted me when she really didn’t. I feel that being that she didn’t trust me while I was helping her, she should have either gotten me out of the situation, or let me know about her false assumptions so I could have gotten out of the situation myself. By her lying to me while I was helping her, she was keeping me in a situation that she was uncomfortable with. I just feel that she should have been honest with me and tell me the false accusations while I was helping her, and not wait until I was done helping her and she was going through her divorce proceedings to tell me about the false assumptions . Of course if she would of told me about her false assumptions at the time she should have told me or just got me out of the situation withoout telling me about the assumptions, then I would have quit helping her. Maybe that’s why, my sister avoided telling me about her false assumptions while I was helping her, so I would continue helping her? So maybe that’s why she felt it to her advantage to lie to me back while I was helping her…just my opinion, and I probably will never find out the real reason from her because she is estranged from me now…
Hi,I have been through a situation where I went all the way helping a guy with money because he was in need. I ended up lending him half of my earnings. I eventually got frustrated with his irresponsible behavior. I have been asking him to pay me back its been 6 months. He keeps on giving excuses and delays the payment. I feel stupid now. I felt I should not have gone this extent of helping him as I didn’t know him much in person.
I decided to say something because of June’s post. I’m the person who goes around helping others but,I was making friendships with people who saw I had a good heart & would peg me for a loser I guess. Anyway,I started to keep my distance and they must of moved onto something else. I learned to not depend on others & promises . I can’t believe what the world is like & I’ve said it so many times..I feel like I am a old-soul just from a different place.& I look at it like,everyone has a hidden agenda or they can’t be bothered & I decided to just stay to myself instead of the drama…There’s still good people in this world just 95% are out for themselves. I totally agree with you
Some very good comments here on this complex topic….but what do you do when someone becomes irrational after what I saw as a business transaction with them? I prepare taxes professionally and recently did them for my neighbour, who was already kindof a dramatic and negative person. I was willing to give her a chance and help her, though, due to some tragic personal issues in her life. So now CRA wants some receipts from her (I warned her of that) and I said part of my service was helping her send those receipts. I got a nasty text from her accusing me of saying CRA “never asks for those kinds of receipts” (but I did, and I don’t intend to go crazy trying to defend myself on that), and she also said that I should have been able to just send in the receipts “but I guess you didn’t do that, did you?”. Finally she got passive-aggressive by ending her text with saying that she never got any copies of her tax returns, although she was aware I had a file for her and all she had to do was ask.
How am I not supposed to feel used and taken advantage of here? I don’t know what else to do (other than that she will be receiving her entire tax file in her mailbox and I will not be available to file her taxes in future). I certainly don’t think just “looking inward at myself” will solve much here. I was pretty open and straight up, and she became rude and irrational. The way I see it, cutting somebody like that out of my life is the only option.
Ouch, that’s a harsh situation to be in….I am sorry you had to go through that…
Wow, sounds like this guy took complete advantage of you. Probably you are not his first victim. I hope things go better for you in the future…
I know in the end, a peace in mind is what we seek for. It is an inner resolution that comes from our positive attitude towards negative affects. Solving problems, however, requires many practical measures that associate with strategies and detailed plans. When getting stuck in a case that a person causes economic abuse to me, I find the above advice really helpful but somehow insufficient. May you teach me more?
I was very depressed goin thrue my divorce, I went to the beach to get distracted, I brought a book about changenging your thinking, That I had bought at the grocery store, a guy in a bycicle came to me,he notice my eyes and said that I look sad , I was sad, and made conversacion, at the moment didn’t had any friends or anyone to go to, I felt very lonely. when this person came to me I explain that I was going thrue a divorce, the person felt sorry for me, then he said he had been in the same situation in the past and that was also very hard for him. I felt we had something in common and became friends,since the first time that iIcame to visit him and I had to go to to the kitchen to prepar a meal for him , he would go thrue my purse an took money from me, I thought I had lost it or missplace it, that person did look kind of poor not that I’m welthy at all but I notice hes shoes had holes and I thought that he probably need it the money, the situation keep on goin, I had confronted him and told him that wile I was helping him making his meals he was taking money from me, he denaid it, I went home I felt bad because some how I want to bleeve that I had miss place my money, lost it I that probably I was wrong, I call him and appoligize to him. Ijust couldn’t belive that he continue doin it after me telling him that every time I visited him my money will desassapear, I told him that he didn’t need to do that , that all he had to do was to ask. I walk again away. he texted me saying that he was very sorry and I took the appology this time, But then he kept on asking me for money, he would say I don’t have money for groceries can you please help me? I went to the grocery store and got groceries for him, the situation keept on going, I realy didn’t know how to tell him no, in away I felt sorry for him, I’m a helping kind of person but for some reason wen I do that it becomes my responsability, I had even bought him clothe and shoes,but the guy keept on taking from me, now I have some bank documents missind,he probably took pictures of my ID and social security, I need help!!!!
I recently had a situation where a good friend, who is normally generous in nature, either consciously or unconsciously tried to get away with doing less for a professional service I get once a year from her.
I remember when I got the service, it seemed like I got less than I got before and less time was taken. When the service did not work pretty much at all and I had to confront her with it, she tried to put off dealing with it. I finally asked to make an appt. and she wanted to charge me all over again. When I said I didn’t want to pay that much to do it all over again if it was not going to work for whatever reason (she claimed it was odd), she then wanted to charge me half. I said forget it, and she ended up redoing the service on her dime, which was fine this time and took the time it usually did.
She said she gets samples and can write it off and then sent me a message later saying sorry for getting twitchy about the money it cost her but she has been trying to get her business built back up and it was hard to swallow that cost. The whole thing sat so badly with me because she admitted she may have shorted me at first, then said the product may have been on its last days of effectiveness, and then wanted to charge me full price again!
It may have been she was unconscious of what she did, but it really made an impression on me intuitively. I live in a very small town and want to start spending less time with her as she is really unhealthy in other ways by now for me to be around. Anorexic, chasing the wrong men well past middle age, and doing hard drugs on occasion. I was already getting to my breaking point even though I have considered her a good friend, but probably not at the level of growth I am aspiring to these days. I have to say that nothing surprises me anymore when I start to consider the source and hints I was getting about situations and people before sometime blindsided me.
First can I say that I love everyone’s positive , cool, somewhat calm collective responses. I wish I was in that mode right now but I am not . It’s extremely hard to be the bigger person when you have tried everything you can find on google to avoid situations and people that take advantage , use or straight bully you and it just seems to find you. So all I have is pure anger and I just want payback. I really use to think karma was a thing and I am not really sure anymore because I have not scene or have heard of any karma to one particular person that takes advantage of people every second of every day and it seems like his life keeps getting better as mine keeps on getting shittier. So anyways my main question to everyone , how does everyone keep calm and not go into revenge mode where you want to track down every person that has done you wrong and pull off a situation to make them feel like you did not in any harmful way. Just make their life extremely shitty for a day lol. Any suggestions?
Hmmm not sure I agree. Yes we can try and rise above as far as how we react…but to just accept the abuse…nope. I’ll never forgive the person who made my life a living hell while I was (and still am) brutally ill and struggling. This person became aware of my illness as I became housebound. She came to visit under the pretext of concern and immediately began to insult and manipulate me…mocking my illness, lecturing me on my “tone” when I was in terrible pain…I was too weak to do any thing but become confused by her actions. She offered to bring me small amounts of food and then would withdraw the offer as though she like lording it over me that she could control the situation. She would call and tell me “I hear someone calling for help over there” and yet she would make these calls SEVERAL hours after the fact, and when I broached that subject saying it made no sense to call me hours later as it wouldn’t help me in any way. She’d argue “I’m showing concern, and tell me my “perceptions were off and perhaps as you finally get better they will change.” She even called me at 5:30AM in the morning telling me she had a “nauseated stomach and she’d leave the front door open” I ignored the call and she called 10 minutes later to demand the same from me!!!” She has spread rumors that I’m mentally ill to my neighbors and this whole thing has me in despair…I’m not able to turn this on myself and say “well rise above and have you ever abused someone in your life?” This has only caused my struggle to become even harder, I’m literally traumatized by this woman’s actions…I’ve had outsiders point out she was gaslighting me and researching that and understand how she manipulated me gave me some insight, but I’m still hurting by what has occurred. I have left her a note telling her to have absolutely no contact with me and listed the offenses she enacted towards me and how I felt about her actions, but it seems the trauma still lingers…she can do this to someone else also. smh
It’s your “friend’s” loss! And by the way, nobody ever gets away with anything in this universe.
I need advice. I met an old love in 2015 after 26 years. We lived in different State’s but met every 3-4 months until October 2018. In October I invested 10K into a food truck with him, and only after many discussions. I trusted and believed we would be together as business and life partners. After we drove tge food tryck to my State I paid to store it exoecting him to return as we were going to repair and add a few items to the truck. He didnt return until March 2019 and only returned to “steal” the truck and drive it back to wherever he is and hide it from me. Of course I have tried endlessly to contact him but he avoids me and ignores me. I am so upset by what he has done. Not only did he hurt me financially but emotionally as well. I am having difficulty getting past this and moving forward in my life. What do I do?
What to do when a so-called devout Buddhist takes advantage of you?
Im glad I have read other peop!e’s experiences and I really feel for them because these people are the kind hearted type who will gladly go the extra mile but end up with trouble and grief . Because they are like this, others see them as prey, and will take advantage of them. What happens is, most people end up resenting their own kindness and stop being kind, stop being nice, and they will never trust anybody again. That’s the damage caused. Until you can repair the damage you cannot, and I repeat, cannot, start forgiving or being the bigger person. Sometimes it’s not repairable, and any feeling, human would understand why you have become less than you were before..
Anger and frustration can last forever and yes, if course it only eats you up even more and you keep the pain alive. You have been damaged by someone else, not yourself. You may come to terms with your mistake or your own misgivings but do not blame yourself for your anger or pain. The world is full of predators, masquerading as friends, lovers, co-workers. Unfortunately in this world today, being living or helpful can backfire with dire consequences. I, for one, would understand someone’s anger which can last a lifetime, but would stop to say, look forward if you can. Living is now. Right now. Enjoy your life now, for yourself. Be very very kind to yourself.
I find that I have repeatedly opened my life in areas that were not appropriate to do so. Lending money, trusting acquaintances/friends with very sensitive information that if exposed would harm my reputation or gossip which almost always finds its way back to the person I was backstabbing/venting.about. I like also to share my life with that one special person or persons I think are my friends and are always Capable of acting in my best interest. I am the only one that truly has the responsibility to act in my best interest. People are not perfect and act ways which are harmful and do not realize their faults until it harms others sometimes. Ultimately it hurts me when I don’t set appropriate boundaries. We must establish boundaries. There are many many boundaries and we must KNOW what they are. Finances, sensitive information sharing that was entrusted to us, giving others “the key to ourselves” to enter whenever they want. Being overly vulnerable. Unrealistic expectations if others, etc. , etc. Research and study and LEARN about establishing boundaries. Here again this is your responsibility to learn and practice establishing boundaries. This take vigilance and perseverance to break long established habits. With so much information online start by googling “Personal Boundaries” Wish you the best on your learning and practicing boundaries and remember you must come first to establish your own defence, otherwise you will be always be defenceless!
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Actually, you are too kind in my opinion.
Easy to say to be the bigger person. I’m
disabled to begin with and I got no control over my emotions when a woman pays attention to me. But after this, I’m never lending $ to anyone again.
A woman I knew for a long time borrowed money from me with promises to pay me back. I asked her when she’s going to pay me back and I was basically told I’m on my own. I’m about to be homeless and I needed that money but stupid me chose love over common sense. 4000$ gone. Nobody to help me get it back either. No agencies will touch this nor help me in any other way. I’m up the creek.