“You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anyone.” ~Maya Angelou
Have you ever been the recipient of put-downs, snide remarks, or hostile language?
If you have, your confidence may have suffered a significant nosedive.
I once attended a summer music camp for young musicians. I was studying the piano and enjoyed playing classical music, but I always had a deep fear of performing in front of others, especially other highly skilled musicians.
Desiring to overcome this crippling fear, I decided to audition for an upcoming recital. To my surprise, the audition went smoothly, and I qualified to play in the recital.
Though my performance was far from flawless due to my overwhelming anxiety, I was proud of how I’d faced my fears and completed my performance despite some significant slips.
Some days later, a faculty member asked me to be a page-turner for him for the next recital. I agreed to do so. After that recital, a fellow student approached me afterward and said:
“You page-turn way better than you play.”
After the initial shock had worn off, I tried to brush off the comment. But the voice in my head was swirling with all kinds of thoughts like, “Serves me right for trying to play in the big leagues,” and, “She’s probably right because she is a much better pianist than I am.”
Her biting words festered in me for weeks and months after the camp was over. I’d lost whatever little confidence I had in my ability to play in public. I’d lost confidence in myself, period. I felt helpless and eventually wanted to quit playing.
However, with time and perspective, my confidence slowly returned. And after some reflection, I realized that we can take effective steps to mitigate the damage in the face of significant put-downs:
1. Acknowledge your feelings.
After the incident, I experienced a series of emotions. My initial surprise turned to anger, which then turned to shame. As I tried to deny the emotions I was feeling, they grew stronger and began to manifest in unexpected and destructive ways.
My first step back on the path to confidence was to acknowledge the emotions I was feeling. Doing so allowed me to observe them rather than be swept away by them.
If you’re struggling with difficult emotions after a put-down, acknowledge the feelings. Allow them to pass through you without resisting or attaching yourself to them, always remembering this simple truth: you are not your emotions.
2. Contain the damage.
When we’re put-down, our confidence suffers because we over-generalize and make faulty conclusions about ourselves using the internalized negativity of others.
Regaining my own confidence meant replacing my initial conclusion of “I am a bad pianist” with “I performed that day to the best of my ability.”
If you’re put down or criticized, confine your feelings about the criticism to the action being criticized rather than making it about you. Do this even when the criticism feels like a personal attack.
In fact, the more personal the put-down, the greater the likelihood that the incident is more about the other person’s insecurities than it is about you.
3. Focus on the positive.
Put-downs can make us feel small.
Sometimes, they can feel like a powerful vortex sucking you down or like a powerful ocean current that sweeps you under water. It’s tempting to feel like you have no control over how you feel when you’re caught in a hostile situation.
But you do have power. You can choose to focus on the positive.
In my situation, this meant choosing not to focus on how small the comment “made” me feel. Instead, I chose to focus on how I was willing to put myself out there and fail in order to grow.
When you decide to choose your attitude, you’ll create an emotional shield that can withstand any insult. Why? Because you’ll understand the powerful truth that it’s not the put-down that makes or breaks your confidence; it’s how you choose to think and feel about it.
4. Realize that your worth is intrinsic.
We all struggle with the tendency to tie our worth to our abilities and the opinions of others. We let our sense of worthiness depend on performance—on the job, at home, and even when we’re just hanging out with friends.
We exhaust ourselves by constantly trying to measure up to implicit or explicit standards and expectations. But the sense of self-worth we so desperately seek outside of ourselves already resides within us.
Because I couldn’t play the piano like the person who was judging me, I felt unworthy and useless—despite how well I played. But I’ve learned that my worthiness does not come from my ability as a pianist. My worth is intrinsic to who I am as a human being.
It cannot be bought or earned, but simply uncovered.
You do not have to wait to be accomplished in the eyes of others to feel worthy. You can choose to feel worthy right now.
5. Forgive and let go.
When someone hurts you deeply with their words, the last thing on your mind at that moment is forgiveness. But your willingness to forgive and let go will lift your spirit and restore your confidence in yourself and others.
My path back to self-confidence meant forgiving the person who made the careless and hurtful remark to me. This doesn’t mean that I tried to become her friend, or pretended the incident never happened, or demanded she apologize.
It just meant that I chose to stop holding on to my negative feelings toward her and let them pass through me.
It meant forgiving myself for allowing the experience to control my life for a time. It meant giving up the comfort and safety of self-loathing that gave me permission to avoid the pain, but also the payoff, of personal growth.
What past insults are you clinging to right now? Trust that you won’t fall into the abyss if you let them go.
You Alone Are Enough
Are you willing to give up years, even decades, of joyful and confident living over mean-spirited remarks?
Are you willing to believe the lies others tell you so that they can feel better about themselves?
Are you willing to play small rather than rise to every occasion?
I didn’t think so.
Refuse to believe the voices that say you are not intelligent enough, beautiful enough, or worthy enough.
Because you alone are enough. And only you have the power to bring that realization to life.
Sad man image via Shutterstock
About Cylon George
Cylon is a spiritual chaplain, musician, devoted husband, busy dad of seven, and author of Self-Love: How to Love Yourself Unconditionally. He blogs about practical spiritual tips for living well at Spiritual Living For Busy People. Sign up and get his free guided meditation on contemplating death to release your fears and live more fully.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
That happens to me alot when people including my family put me down alot. So I often say to myself, their are always better days ahead.
I had to deal with criticisms, put-downs and judge mental comments all of my life. I understand that people are entitled to their opinions, but what they think of me is none of business. Although it took me a while to understand actions, it’s based on insecurities.
It’s difficult for me to forgive those who were trying their hardest to bring me down. Instead of lashing their insecurities out on me, they could have allowed me to help them. Oh, well. Their problem, not mine.
Thank you, Cyclon for sharing your experience, and for writing an excellent article.
This is a good article and rings true for me. Last year i lost my confidence after someone verbally abused me. It took me close to a year to regain my confidence by working on it everyday and trying my best to forgive the person. I realized that he was fighting an internal battle and took his frustrations out on me, going so far as to file a false police report. What’s done is done and i moved on setting my personal boundaries!
Fabulous article, Cylon! Forgiveness is such an important part. Also I learned to say “what’s a matter with them?” vs. “what’s a matter with me?” when someone doesn’t like me or puts me down. I know I’m a good person, so with that self confidence, I can start to take the abuses if given (although we all know it’s not that easy and it hurts). But a strong self-belief, for me, is a key to success in getting past the negative energy of others.
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I’m in a season of getting to practice these, with a new novel just out and reviews coming in. Almost all of them are positive (thank goodness), but those negative ones can sure slice ya to the bone. But I’ve learned to do the two in the middle here–contain the damage, and focus on the positive. By keeping the criticism to THIS book, and not all of my writings, makes it easier to swallow. Especially since the next reviewer loved the parts the last one hated!
And no matter what, I can focus on the positive of: My novel is being read. That in itself is just cool beans!
Thank you, Cylon–you soothed me today 🙂
What a great column
GREAT post!!! Wonderful tips/advice/words of wisdom! 🙂 Thank you for sharing your message/experience! 🙂
It’s so hard when the people closest to you put you down. But I am encouraged and inspired by your positive attitude despite it all.
You’re welcome LaTrice. Thank you for sharing your story. Yes, forgiveness is so hard – it’s really an ongoing process. Even when I think about the incident many years later, I sometimes have to forgive the person all over again. But each time I do it gets easier and is so worth the effort.
I’m sorry you went through this experience Nigel. But I am glad it helped you clarify your personal boundaries for the future! Best to you 🙂
Thank you for sharing this. Yes, having good self-confidence helps us in the face of abuse – though I do not believe that we should stay in situations that are abusive or unhealthy for us because it will eventually wear you down.
You’re welcome Susan 🙂 You’re right – even one negative review in a sea of positive ones can stick out and control us if we let it. So glad to see you look at the broader perspective despite the pain. It’s good to know that we’re not alone in this and that we can keep encouraging each other when we’re burned by negativity.
Thanks Nancy!
You’re welcome – it’s a privilege to share my story so that it can help others 🙂
I try and I always think that their are brighter days ahead
Oh my, Cylon! Amazing, beautiful article! Gosh … I needed to hear that today … Isn’t that just the way of the world, We hear what we need at just the moment we need. Thank you for your beautiful and uplifting words! I feel better having read this tonight! Ahhhhh! Thank you so much for being you and for following your heart’s intuition to write these very words!
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Hey Cylon,
This is the best article that I have read so far today. It was soul soothing experience to read an article with which I can relate myself.
Well done!!
Waiting for the next blog from your side.
Sarah, I am truly touched by your comment. It is gratifying to know that what I write can lift someone up at just the right time. And you know what, I needed to hear your kind words of encouragement today – it’s not always easy to share these stories. Thank you 🙂
Thank you Garima 🙂 I am humbled by your kind words.
Agreed that, while the self-image helps, a toxic environment is still a toxic environment and if we can’t change the environment, then we should seek to find a better one. We all deserve that.
Thanks for this great read. You are so right we tend to attached our self worth to how we are views by others and what we feel we are good at doing. It takes nothing for some unkind words to rip our confidence to shreds but it take so much work to get it back. We need to focus on reminding ourselves that we are indeed enough. Thanks
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Hi cylon,
Thank you so much for such powerful and inspiring words. I still struggle with self esteem and confidence issues despite how much potential I have but I am definitely taking your advise with me. Thanks again.
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Cylon, you’re personal story was similar to my own struggles as a musician as well , especially when you’re surrounded by others who are much more advanced than you are and may sometimes be critical of your performance. The biggest challenge is letting go, any advice on how you pulled that off?
I have been in need of something positive like this. Need to get back and mend myself there are some very hurtful people out there that will keep doing the same thing over and over sadly I take in what they say and it sticks. This has really let me look at things in a different perspective. Thanks for all of your wonderful words.
You’re right K. That’s why I saved it for last! Be compassionate to yourself as you work through this step.
Hey Mayo, yes criticism by fellow musicians can be especially hard. Honestly, I just followed the steps in the post. These realizations came to me over the years as I reflected on my work as a musician. I asked myself “Why are you a musician in the first place?” I discovered that my call to music was less about impressing others and more about being present and faithful to the music itself. I also read a book that changed my perspective on performance and performance anxiety. It’s called Effortless Mastery: Liberating the Master Musician Within by Kenny Werner. I would definitely recommend it. Good luck to you!
Here’s another book I’m reading right now that can also be helpful. It’s The Practicing Mind by Thomas Sterner.
You’re welcome Andrea. It’s truly amazing how unkind we can be to one another. One thing my own experiences have taught me is that I always need to be mindful of how I communicate with others – even to those who are being hurtful to me. I try to speak from a place of love and compassion and I’m quick to ask for forgiveness when I fall short. I’m so glad the post is helpful to you.
Thanks for your thoughtful reply, i’ll be checking out those books
Cylon,
Thank you for your article. It is very easy to forget at times, sometimes even entirely for a while, the very important sentiments that you have stated. So thank you for the reminder.
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