“Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place.” ~Iain Thomas
A deep heaviness and uneasiness began to pulsate throughout my body. Warm, salty tears streamed down my face at all hours of the day. It felt like all the best parts of me were gone and would never return.
Heartache can be one of the hardest things to overcome in life. I never wanted to be one of those girls who let guys determine how they feel. But when my first serious relationship ended when I was twenty-seven, I was beyond devastated.
It took me years to overcome my breakup with Tom because he was my first real love. I’m slowly starting to view the despair I experienced as a gift because it’s shaped the person I’m becoming. More importantly, it has taught me to never fear or take advantage of love.
If you’re struggling to overcome heartache, perhaps some of my lessons may be useful to you. Here’s what helped me on my journey to becoming whole again.
1. Allow yourself to feel all your feelings.
Although it may be tempting to numb your feelings, if they aren’t addressed, chances are they will catch up to you.
My relationship blindsided me when it ended because I didn’t see it coming. I felt like I was going through the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Only, strangely enough, it felt almost worse than most deaths I grieved because in this relationship there was never a clear goodbye or any closure.
It took me years to go through all of these stages. For a good part of it, I was stuck in denial and sadness.
My breakup with Tom taught me that it’s okay to feel things that are uncomfortable because life isn’t always pleasant. It may be hard, but try to allow yourself to experience whatever feelings come up.
I had to strip my emotions down to feel totally raw and vulnerable. If I felt sad and allowed myself to cry, my body felt so much better afterward because I was able to release all the stress and tension that I’d held in for so long. When I felt anger rising in the pit of my stomach, I’d go for a run to burn off that steam.
Whatever it is that you’re feeling, allow it to come and go like waves instead of pretending it doesn’t exist or fighting it.
2. Cut off contact with your ex so that you are able to heal.
One of the reasons it took me so long to get over Tom was because we were still in touch with each other via text. Even though we weren’t dating, deep down I had this romantic notion that we would get back together eventually.
When I would date other guys, I wasn’t emotionally invested in them because part of me that held onto hope that Tom and I could still save our relationship and bring it back to what it was during the first year we dated. The truth was that over the years we both changed and grew apart instead of growing together.
Although it was hard to end contact with Tom, I knew that in order to get over him I had to stop relying on him emotionally. This was the scariest part. Tom was part of my life for five years and knew all of me—the good, the bad, and the ugly. I was terrified to be alone and have him out of my life.
I’m not going to lie, I may have texted him more than a few times after promising myself not to contact him. However, eventually, as time passed without contact, I was able to stay strong. I had to stand on my own and face my fears in order to get back to a healthy emotional state.
It’s different for everybody, but I realized that no matter how much time has passed a part of me will always love my ex. And that’s okay. Because now I’m no longer in love with him, largely because I gave myself the space I needed to finish healing—which means I’ll be able to pursue a relationship with someone else in the future.
3. Have a good tribe of people to talk to.
No one is an island. Admitting that you are going through a hard time and finding friends and family who are willing to listen to your struggles can make a world of a difference.
At the time of my breakup, my best friend was going through something similar. It was helpful to share our experiences with each other since it made us both feel less alone. I was lucky to have my mom to talk to as well. It really was beneficial to get her advice, as she had many years of experience to share.
If you find yourself talking about your breakup excessively, it may be good to contact a counselor. Since my breakup happened during my last semester of graduate school, I decided to take advantage of speaking with a counselor, as they were free to students.
Initially, I had mixed feelings but can say that this assisted me greatly in being able to finish my last semester of school. It also felt good to talk about my feelings to someone who didn’t have a biased view and wouldn’t judge my thoughts.
4. Don’t compare yourself to others.
Remember my best friend I told you about who was going through a breakup? She ended up dating someone a month afterward. Eventually, they got married.
It has taken me about two years to feel ready to date again. Everyone goes through breakups differently, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
There are so many different factors involved in recovering from a painful breakup. Maybe your relationship was over way before it officially ended. Maybe you didn’t get any closure after your breakup, or it was your first love you lost.
In order to allow myself to heal, I had to stop comparing myself to others. I also decided to get off of social media for a month.
Yes, I was happy for my friends who were dating, getting married, and having kids. However, being bombarded with joyful couples and babies was just too much. I just knew that it was not the best time for me to be flooded with relationship pictures. It allowed me to spend more time with myself and hit the reset button.
5. Give yourself the time you need before jumping into a new relationship.
Initially, I went on a bunch of dates, sometimes two in one day. Yes, it distracted me from what I was feeling, but it wasn’t healthy. Emotionally, it became exhausting.
It was too early in the game to date, and all I could think about was my ex. Whenever I went on a date, I would start comparing the guy to Tom, and that’s not a good way to jump back on the dating horse.
Take the time you need to feel whole again before dating. I finally told myself that it’s alright to have high standards about what I’m looking for in a relationship. Most importantly, I learned to enjoy being single.
6. Take good care of yourself.
Self-care was never something I was good at. I always cared more about others and never made time for myself. I felt incredibly lost after my breakup because I no longer had Tom to care about.
Without anyone else to focus on, I started to pay more attention to my own needs and wants. It was also an incentive to treat myself to certain services or activities I normally would not even consider such as getting monthly massages and participating in yoga classes regularly.
I stopped saying yes to everyone else just to please them and started saying yes to myself. I travelled to Peru, Iceland, and Thailand. I took a new job and finally felt free.
Go on that vacation you have been waiting for. Take that cooking class you have been putting off. Have a girls’ or guys’ weekend.
Now is the time to focus on yourself. Enjoy it while you’re single because you never know when you’ll have as much time alone to discover your interests and passions.
7. Don’t stop appreciating the beauty in all that surrounds you.
There is joy all around us. Sometimes, it’s easy to forget that, especially when you’re going through something tough like a breakup.
I started to become engaged more in my surroundings, and it has made a big difference.
I was able to connect to my friends and family on a deeper level and really value these relationships. I started a gratitude journal, which helped me appreciate the little gifts we are given each day. Even something as simple as smiling at others in the street can be a beautiful act and make us feel more connected to those around us.
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It took me years to pick up all of the broken pieces and rebuild myself. These seven tips helped me heal from an incredibly painful time in my life. Slowly, my heart started to mend and refill with self-love.
I know I will always love Tom, but now I’m able to continue to go on with my life without feeling trapped or in limbo. Sometimes the past will unexpectedly come up and a flood of sadness will hit me. I allow myself to feel this and then let it go just as fast as it came.
I’m grateful for the person I have become due to my breakup. It has allowed me to realize how rare and wonderful it is to find love. I’ve also learned to become comfortable in solitude and enjoy time alone.
It’s been quite a process, but now my heart is open to love again. Even though you may experience a deep pain and feel broken and angry, know what there is still beauty out in this world for us to experience on a daily basis. And know that through this experience you can become a stronger version of yourself.
About Sarah Masse
Sarah Masse enjoys writing when she isn’t working as an occupational therapist. She’s always up for meeting new people or exploring a new destination whether that be in the country or outside of it. Sarah has a traveling blog, which documents some of her adventures at truetravelnista.com. She also has a blog that helps connect those having challenges with infertility, miscarriages, and pregnancy that can be found at iplpc.wordpress.com. Visit Sarah on Instagram at smasse14.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
Hi Sarah, thanks for your entry. I just broke up with my partner of 6 years 3 months ago. I have never shed so many tears. I hardly shed tears as much as this when I was in the relationship. Tears were every night for the first month, then a few nights each week and to last night and tonight streaming down my face while I write this. I’m not a cryer usually and this seems to happen when I go through a break up and not much else can trigger it in me otherwise. I stacked on a ton of weight and have just started to lose it this week after commiting to my own health and finding the drive to look after me first. I find it disturbing at how much I lost myself and was willing to keep going the way I was. Now started to be motivated and yet still disturbed at how I’ve managed the past 6 years in other ways to fit in with another person and support them. My standards of self love probably most disturbing.
Hi Bree, thanks for your message! I agree with you completely about how it can be so easy to lose oneself when in a relationship. I was angry, ashamed, and sad that a part of me reached a point where I stopped having healthy boundaries. Then I needed to ask myself why? This question took me a long time to answer and quite frankly I think I’m still in the process of answering that. Part of me wanted to “fix” my ex and help him deal with his struggles. In retrospect, I should have been working on myself. The on and off relationship we had ignited a sense of excitement in me. I wasn’t able to realize that I turned into someone who was completely codependent. That really scared me when I was able to admit that to myself.
I’m so happy that you are starting to take care of yourself. For me, I needed to forgive myself for allowing myself to be in a situation where I lost “me.” I’m not sure if you listen to podcasts but these 2 were really beneficial-Kinda Dating by Natasha Chandel and Dear Sugars. It was very helpful to hear other people’s experiences and struggles with dating and relationships. I wish you lots of strength, peace, and wisdom on your journey. 🙏
Hi Stacey, thanks for your message! Yes, the lack of closure really messed with my head for a long time. Until you experience it, I don’t think anyone really understands how horrible it feels to go through that. I think that’s one of the reasons it felt so painful and torturous for me. In hindsight, I don’t know if I would have ever gotten closure and I think that was the hardest thing for me to come to terms with. When things ended, I could feel it in the pit of my stomach. I felt physically ill for days and incredibly anxious. Deep down I knew it was going to take me a long time to be in a good place again and I wasn’t looking forward to all the work that was ahead of me. Now I’m finally able to be grateful for it because I started to really face myself, grow, and practice self-love. I’m now able to look at the break-up as one of my hardest and most important lessons in life so far.
When I was talking to a counselor about everything I was feeling, she recommended reading The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo. There are exercises to do in there along with daily readings. I did one reading a day (there are 365). It’s different for everyone but that may be helpful. You are a warrior. It sounds like you really loved your partner and if you are able to truly love once you will be able to love someone else again when the time is right. I hope you are able to find peace with everything that happened. I wish you all the best. 🙏
Sarah, thank you so much for writing this. I often read Tiny Buddha posts but this the first time I’m commenting on one because of how much I connected to your experience. I went through something similar recently and although I spent only a few months with Dave, my ex, I was very attached to him due to the experiences we shared. I met him a few months after I decided to cut off all contact with a toxic ex who had been in my life for years. I had forgotten what it felt to be loved and respected in a relationship. But Dave reminded me of how I should be treated in a relationship, he treated me with so much love, respected my needs and always told me how beautiful I am. Unfortunately I soon had to move away after finishing graduate school and after that we tried to make our relationship work long distance but it didn’t for long. Just like you, I too kept in touch with him through text. I tried to fool myself by saying that I was just trying to ‘be friends with my ex’ but in reality I was hoping to get back with him someday. He always replied to me but one day for some reason he decided not to. I did not text him again but I must admit that my ego was hurt (even now it does sometimes) but since then I have come to see that this has happened for the best. And only yesterday I decided that it was time to let go of him completely, firstly because two weeks from now I’m moving to a new country and I want to open myself to new people, places and experiences. Secondly, I’ve been in a similar situation before. Two years ago when I moved countries I was so caught up with the toxic ex I mentioned above that for a long time I failed to see the beauty around me. I don’t want to repeat the same mistake again. So yesterday I deleted all our pictures and messages and got rid of all the little tokens of our love. For a while I was overcome with sadness but after that I felt a sense of happiness and freedom. A part of me will always love and admire my ex for the person he is but it is time to ‘close the door, change the record, clean the house and get rid of the dust’ in Paulo Coelho’s words. Once again thank you for sharing your story. I wish you all the best experiences in life!
Thank you for sharing what you went through. I felt so alone for the many years it took to heal from the loss of a 20+ year marriage. I still feel pain after 14 years but of course, it is much less. It is comforting to know that it takes other women a great length of time to recover. It was without a doubt the most difficult/painful/gut wrenching time of my life. Going to school really saved me and gave me a focus. I wound up with a master’s degree in social work that there is no way I would have obtained otherwise. For women, divorce can be a way to start over, to rebuild yourself, to be who you always wanted to be. I realized I had a choice-to either roll up in a ball, sit in a corner and die or to LIVE. I wanted to live so I worked my way through it. You are so right about not having contact with your ex. That helped me to heal and to not get re wounded so much. Thankfully, our children were either adults or about to be so there was no need for contact regarding them. Please know, if you are reading this, you WILL come out on the other side and probably a stronger, better person than you were. There is GREAT HOPE. You can do this!!
Please educate me on the following: As a guy, I perceive that woman are always crying and falling for the wrong guy, the one that treats them like shit and dumps them at the end. I think that women have a huge social advantage and that they are always looking for Mr. Right: the right money, the right social status and the right everything! Up to what extent is this true?
Thank you so much for this article, Sarah! It has been a little over a month since my boyfriend of two years and I have part our own ways. There are days where I feel like I’m doing okay and days where I’ve hit rock bottom. But like you said, it is okay to feel… It’s definitely what makes us human and none of us are in this alone. Since the breakup, I have been investing and channeling “good energy” towards myself and showing myself more self love than I ever have. Thank you again, for this and I send you my virtual love and well wishes❤
Hi Norma, thanks for your message. It is very inspiring! Yes, it was quite a process to lay the foundation to begin rebuilding myself into a person that I wanted to become and to determine what direction that would be. What great words of wisdom you have. Deciding it was best to end contact with my ex was hard but it really helped me become free so I could start to heal. Thanks for reaching out and sharing your story and advice. You sound like a very brave and fearless woman for persevering through all the pain you were experiencing during that time in your life. I wish you all the best! 🙏
Hi Yuri, thanks for your message! Isn’t it funny how easy it is to tell ourselves those stories that we just want to be friends when really there are deeper feelings? It took me a long time to come to terms with that truth. Yes, the hurt ego is one of the hardest parts to face. It sounds like you took all the steps you needed to in order to live your life in the present on your new journey to the country that you will be moving to. That must have been really hard to delete all of those pictures and messages but also incredibly liberating. Good luck on your next adventure. Wishing you all the best! 🙏
I am very ignorant about relationships! Please don’t take my question to face value.
You looking for an exact percentage?
It always takes time.. Thank you for sharing this..
No problem. Thanks for your message Olivia!
Hi Pax, I’m not sure how to answer your question as I’m just one woman. For me, when things got bad for whatever reason I really liked the chase of everything. A part of the reason I tried to make that relationship work for so long was because it really hurt my ego. I think it’s easy to remember all of the good qualities of a person and forget about the parts that become painful. It takes a lot of courage to realize that a relationship may have ended and to walk away from it. I think just as many men as women fall for a person who doesn’t always treat them the best. However, there are also men and women who can walk away from a relationship when they don’t feel valued without looking back. Boundaries can be hard to form in relationships but are so very important. As for women having a social advantage and always looking for Mr. Right, from my perspective I don’t see it that way. Thanks for your response. 🙏
Thanks for your message Vanessa! Sending virtual love right back to you as well🙏
Sarah, I thank you for taking the time that you took to write back to me! Through Tiny Buddha I have been able to learn a lot from people like yourself. As a man struggling in the dating rat race, I have found deep contradictions since I was brought up with the traditional “treat women nice” mentality. I have been met with disappointment and heart aches. All of the women I have treated with “care and compassion”, dumped me and left for a so called “bad boy”! My question was full of confusion but at the sometime with willingness to learn! Blessings.
I wish you all the best Pax. Good luck to you on your journey!
even i had a similar kind of break up , nothing cleared , she tried to contact me but i ignored that moment , but then i started missing her , so i texted her to get back , but she started dating my best friend . should i lose all hopes from here? what should i do?
Hi Naman,
Thanks for your message. I am sorry to hear that you are having a difficult time after your break-up from your ex. It’s different for everyone but I would try to take the time to practice self-care. Be kind and loving to yourself. Know to that this too shall pass and you will come out from this break-up as a stronger version of yourself. Wishing you all the best. 🙏
THANKS STACEY!!💞
I find it interesting…
You say that that woman are “always crying and falling for the wrong guy, the one that treats them like shit and dumps them at the end”.
They are “always looking for Mr. Right: the right money, the right social status and the right everything!”
That its a “dating rat race”
Sounds to me that you are running with rats.
Women dont have any more advantage than men do. Think about it.
Are you constantly being drawn to the same type of women or using the same hunting ground to find them?
Traditionally men make the choice of who they pursue. They scan the room and choose the woman to pursue based on what draws them. Women in a traditional sense hold the power of refusal. But that power only comes into play if the man pursues in the first place.
If your perception is that women are this or that, are you sure youre not setting yourself up to support or confirm your perceptions? You know yourself best.
A woman who chooses “bad boys” money or looks have their reasons good or bad…. What are yours for choosing who you ask out? Do you have a list you check off? Youll be surprised to find that maybe you do…
Who do you ask out? What are the characteristics you are attracted to?
If you swim in a school of fish, dont expect to meet a fish of another color.
We are all guilty of this.
Until you know yourself and face youre own awareness of what you are contributing to the situation, you cant change the outcome.
…and THATs the hardest lesson of all my friend. Trust me…I speak from experience.
Thank you SO much Norma for sharing your painful experience. Reading messages from other women helps me get through my own situation.
Hi Sarah,
Thanks so much for sharing! My ex and I recently decided to split ways because he needed time to figure out what he wanted in his life and be happy in his own. He simply can’t and doesn’t want a romantic relationship and says he wants to want me and needs to figure stuff out. It’s been so hard to not be there for him and I keep hoping that he’ll want me,silly maybe… We have all the same friends and while I am doing my best not to text him or see him and take some space, I’m curious how or if you had to handle the should we be friends or how do we deal with having the same friends and if you have any advice?
Hi Anne,
Thanks for your message and I apologize for the delayed response. I don’t think that the feelings you have are silly at all. They sound very natural. That’s the hardest part of ending a relationship with someone that you care deeply about. For me, my ex and I tried to be friends as well. Unfortunately, it just prolonged the grieving process for me. I felt trapped and stuck in limbo. Every situation is different but for me I was putting in a lot more effort and energy which was emotionally draining. I needed to take a step back to really look at the situation logically vs. emotionally. Until I stopped talking to him, I couldn’t move on. Luckily for me, when we did keep in touch we were both in different cities at that point so I didn’t have to deal with having the same circle of friends in close proximity. I’ve had friends who are able to stay friends with their exes and move on. However for me, I couldn’t. You may be able to be friends with your ex at some point if that’s what you really desire. It might be good during the initial phase to not make contact with him for a month if you decide to do that so you have time to process your feelings and heal from the relationship that ended. Wishing you all the best. I hope you find the answer to the question you are searching for🙏
THANKS i have been strugguling more one year
Hi Ann,
No problem! Know that you are not alone. All anyone can do is to allow themselves to continue to heal and grow. This is but one chapter in a larger journey that you are on. Wish you all the best!
Within the first two paras, your article seemed like it was written about me. Although just a month old, our relationship was pretty good. However, Jamie just blocked me over the phone & through messages without even letting me voice my feelings. Apparently, she felt I was not OK with her weight, her eyes, and her walk; when clearly even God knows I accepted & understood her completely.
Well, come Easter and she replied to my text messages saying, “I do not want to continue with this. I’ve gotten over it and I hope you do too. I don’t see myself with you, no. God Bless and take care. Hope you find the right person soon. I’ve blocked all calls & messages from you. Take care please forgive & forget. See ya”.
I mean who blocks the other party and doesn’t even let him or her to share their feelings. I still have these abrupt tears when driving home or to work, qhile sleeping even while playing football. God knows how long will this go 🙁
What if you have no friends or family who are there for you when you’re going through that? Not all of us have friends, so a support circle isn’t always an option. Is it possible to go through grief alone?
I’m currently experiencing no. 2. Right now, we’re having a communication with my ex. I have to be honest that I replied to him because I’m expecting we could fix everything. But I think it’s not going to happen anymore. I think I’m only hurting myself. 😭 How long do I have to suffer?
Hello, Ashley! If you don’t have friends or a family and you feel alone, then good exercise will be to write down and keep track of your feeling. You can even voice record yourself and after few days or weeks listen to yourself again and make some notes. . Keep a journal and write your feelings.
Also I understand a physical contact and communication with another human is important so maybe think what are your hobbies, what do you like to do. Try new things and from there you will meet other people with similar interest than you and you can start new friendships,.Every human has been throught hard times and breakups. we falling to get up stronger! Love yourself like you are someone else out of you! We trap ourselves to our own mind and we forget that we exist and we have our own needs and wants and when we get rejected our ego and our soul screaming to us to notice. We should stop rejecting ourselves for others and put more love and time to us.
We are capable to heal ourselves, just we need to want to and keep trying!
Best of luck.
what if he was my ony friend… and I havent talked about it properly to anybody I just feel so utterly abandoned it is pysically breaking me down. I had a ministroke and I have PTSD. I thought he was my best friend but he also carefully prepared to pay his trauma forward to me, ever since we first met. I never did any harm, but he saw me and thought, here is a sincere, innocent sould who only wishes me well – let´s break her as bad as I got broken, cause it feels so good to hurt and humiliate the friend who loves and cares for me! what hurts i not that I was left behind. but that nothing was real. I have no friends and I dont know what to do. who to talk to.
Hi WindDemon,
That is one of the hardest feelings. When your body hurts from the pain and abandonment. It must be extra difficult going through all of this during a pandemic where social distancing is encouraged. Similar to Ashley’s response below, it may be helpful to start a journal to write down your feelings. Try to get involved in hobbies that you feel passionate about. Those will likely allow you to meet other individuals who share your interests.
If you don’t feel comfortable going out too much with the pandemic, it may be finding a virtual group. A counselor would likely be able to give your further resources and support that you need. Most importantly, try to be loving and kind to yourself. You will get through this. You can overcome this. Once you do, you will look back at this difficult time in your life and realize that it helped mold you into the person that you were meant to become. I’m sending you lots of love and support!
Hi Ashley,
Yes, I agree with what Ritsaka mentioned above. If you are able to journal about how you are feeling that may be a good exercise. I also found writing a letter to my ex helpful to get all of my feelings out. Yes, it may be good to start exploring any hobbies or interests you have (running, art, cooking, book club, etc.). This will also put other people in your circle who share the same passions that you do. I’ve had friends who have done meetup groups who have really loved them.
I know that things have likely been extra hard quarantining during the Coronavirus. There may be virtual groups to join as well. If you are able to, it might be worth talking to a counselor.
I wish you all the best. Good luck with everything!
Hi Tablato,
I know how hard it can be to cut off contact with an ex. It can seem unbearable and like a high from a drug once you get that contact again. I guess you have to ask yourself, does being in touch with your ex cause you more pain than good? You’re the one that has control of your actions. You’re the one who decides if you will suffer and for how long. If you are in pain and want to be free from your ex, it may be worth trying no contact with him for 30 days and seeing how you feel afterwards. Day by day. That’s all anyone can do. Baby steps. I wish you lots of strength!
What do I do? I have been hurting for two years now, not daily but a lot. I feel she left me for my best friend, the two have been close since and we don’t talk anymore. I just want to heal, I feel I was gaslighted excessively and bettayed but I still love her. What do I do to move on after this long? cause I’m seriously hurting, and I can’t afford a counselor
I’m currently going through a breakup trauma. He used me, duped me of all of my money while dating someone else. I never even had a suspicion that he wasnt dating me back. It hurts so much. The fact that I see him everywhere doesn’t help too, on the street, in the church and at work
I’m so sorry to hear what you experienced Seunfunmi. Sending you strength.
I love this. I needed this thank you. I am proud of you 🙂
I feel the same way, my boyfriend after 7 months abused me. I felt betrayed and hurt. I love them with all of my heart and the funny part is he loves me with all his heart and he’s in jail because I sent him there because he physically hurt me to the point u almost died. In a way I feel the same. Even try to contact me in jail the next day. Ironically I used to be married to a police officer and he caught wind of all this imagine that. .. I had no idea that this man had a history. And that he has a mental disorder. I am 35 years old and that was my second real relationship of my whole life. I will always love him no matter what because I know mentally that was not him which gives me falsified hope and I can’t be with him because it’ll probably happen again how do you deal with yourself?! The fact that he broke my heart the same night he broke his own heart for his own actions we had so many hopes and dreams and we wanted to have a family together I feel like I died inside. In a way I just want my love back. Even if I took him back I cannot because it will do more damage.