“Sometimes our thoughts are backed by so much insecurity that they create lies we believe.” ~Unknown
After nearly a year of being single and after going through my fifth breakup, I found myself involved with someone new.
It was the typical guy-meets-girl story you read about all over the Internet. We met for dinner and drinks and there was an immediate attraction. We laughed and talked and overall had a great night. By the second date, he stayed the night at my house and didnât leave for four days.
This time I felt I was more prepared. I had studied relationships. I had learned about communicating. I was sure I was going to get my needs met and everything would be perfect.
I thought I was changed and that meant everything would be different this time. Surprise! Life doesnât work that way.
Iâm not sure I noticed it at the time, but I was still feeling a little insecure and unsure and wasnât ready to let go of my fears. I made sure to continually tell him what I wanted and needed in a relationship. Little by little, I was pushing my agenda on him.
Naturally, he started to back away. I donât think he even knew why and I certainly didnât know either. I only knew I was feeling out of control and was perpetually pissed at him for being a jerk.
Slowly, we stopped spending all weekend together. He wasnât coming over after work as often. His texts were more sporadic. Then, one Friday went by with not a word. Then a Saturday and then Sunday went by. It had been three whole days with no text, no call, no plans, no nothing.
Who did this guy think I was? Didnât I deserve some sort of contact? What was I to do? Certainly this behavior was not acceptable!
The Breakup
So I cried and blamed him and told myself I had chosen wrong again, and that I wouldnât be put in a position of feeling âless than.â Then I texted him out of the blue with the words, âDonât ever call me again.â
I thought this was the totally mature way to handle things and that I was only âprotecting myself.â I was, right? Wrong.
I couldnât stop thinking about what I had done. I felt awful. I knew what I had written wasnât what I wanted to say or what I felt. I realized that yet again I was acting out of fear, and if I wanted to change my patterns, I had to change myself.
I wanted him to be wrong, but I realized he wasnât and that he was just reacting to me.
I also realized that I was the only one who could change my world, so I did. I thought long and hard about what I wanted and read some more. I realized that my style of communication was still failing, and that if I wanted things to change with him, they had to change with me.
So after about two weeks I called him and apologized for the way I ended things. I told him I’d reacted out of fear and that I was confused and scared and didnât know what else to do. I knew that in addition to apologizing I had to change my patterns of interacting with him.
This time, instead of making everything about me and my wants and needs and fears, I began to take an interest in him and his life. I completely put myself aside (for the moment) because I knew that if I wanted a different result, I had to try a different path.
Go Slowly
First off, I went slowly. I let him contact me at his own pace. He had to feel comfortable with talking to me again and realize I wasnât going to freak out or push some needy agenda on him.
I had to learn to calm myself, which is something I thought I had already done, but apparently I had more work to do.
Oftentimes we reach out to others in the expectation that if they respond correctly, we’ll be reassured of our worthiness. Donât let someone else dictate how you feel about yourself. If someone calls or doesnât call or texts or doesnât text, you need to be okay with it and realize the world wonât end.
Have some patience (which is hard for many of us), and try and sit back and enjoy every moment of the conversations or time together you do have. Stop living in the past or the future. Be present and go slowly. Life is not a race to the end, but a journey with laughter and love and joy and pain all along the way, and you canât escape any of it, so stop trying.
Listen
Secondly, I listened. I listened to what was going on in his life and asked questions. I took an interest in the struggles he was having and was sincerely concerned and understanding.
If you want to know someone and want them in your life, listen to them. They donât need to know your entire story right off the bat, (Itâs been four months and he doesnât know mine).
People are generally egoistic, and showing your potential partner that you want to know about them, what moves them, what motivates them, and what type of person they are will go a long way.
I’m not saying you should listen with a goal in mind. Donât think to yourself, âAha, if I listen to him or her, he/she will want to be with me.â Listen because you care. Listen because the world doesnât revolve around you and your needs all the time.
Human beings are amazing creatures, and every single one of us has different fears, needs, and desires. The more time you invest in understanding your potential or current partner, the more you will get in return.
Stop Assuming You Know
Thirdly, I learned how to stop assuming and start asking. Never assume how someone feels. Never assume what they want or what they need.
Some days we would be in the middle of texting and he would suddenly *poof* disappear. I was left confused and irritated.
The next time it happened, instead of assuming he didnât want to talk to me or he didnât care (which is what I would normally do), I asked him about it and he told me why it happens. And of course it had nothing to do with me. Victory!
Instead of saying nothing, I said, âIâm trying to understand you, and sometimes when weâre in the middle of talking and you suddenly disappear. Why is that?â
I asked because I truly wanted to understand. I didnât blame him. It took a lot of courage to ask, as I normally just make up answers in my head and put up walls, so I was really proud of myself for doing it.
Most of us tend to jump to conclusions about how others feel because we view the world through our tinted lenses. This is fairly normal, but it can lead to confusion, misunderstandings, and anger if you do it all the time. Try to step outside yourself and see how others may perceive you or perceive the world.
When you ask someone a question, come from a place of love and wanting to understand, not from a place of blame or frustration. Be straightforward and say, âIâm trying to understand you better. When xxxx happens I am often confused, and Iâm wondering if you could explain it to me.â
When you want to share your feelings or communicate what is going on with you try not to say, âYou make me feel x, y, z when you do x, y z.â
People donât make you feel anything to you. Their actions may trigger certain feelings, based on how you interpret them, but it’s also possible you are already feeling depressed or anxious or lonely or scared, and only think the other person is making you feel that way.
We all choose what we believe and how we interpret the things other people do, and those beliefs and interpretations create our feelings. The other person can’t possibly know what’s going on in your head unless you explain to them that you have these insecurities and that it isnât their fault, but you want them to know.
When you come from a place of insecurity, you will often project blame onto the other person when itâs possible that what they did or said had no negative connotation whatsoever.
Sometimes people are clueless, sometimes thoughtless, sometimes self-absorbed, but most of the time their intention isnât to hurt your feelings. Try to remember this before you speak.
Learn to Communicate From Love
Love and intimacy are scary. There are days when I still struggle with whether he cares, and I suddenly go quiet and retreat into my world.
My natural reaction when Iâm falling in love is to want to run, and run fast. I want to put up walls and let the other person try to climb over them, as Iâm sure many of you do as well. Iâm sure you also know this isnât remotely healthy and is only a protective mechanism.
Communicating from love means letting down your walls, even if just a little, and accepting the possibility of being hurt.
One day I was talking to him about my blog and how it means a lot to me when people are thankful for what I write or appreciative of my stories. Because he was playing on his computer and didnât seem to be listening, I felt unimportant.
I became quiet. My plan was to say nothing. I assumed he just didnât care to listen. My old patterns were creeping back in. However, this time I realized that if I want to keep moving forward and keep changing, I had to share my feelings instead of running inside myself.
I know that most of my fears of not feeling important stem from my childhood and my issues, and it isnât fair to push them on him. I told him, âSometimes I donât feel important to you.â Just saying it was a relief.
I could tell he didnât have a clue what I was talking about. He said, âOf course youâre important and I care about what you have to say.â I realized in that moment the fears I had were my own and werenât rooted in any truth.
It can feel monumentally scary and overwhelming to share even little fears, but if you do it in a way that shows your vulnerability and if you are with someone who has any capacity to love, then you will be amazed at the results you get.
In the End
By doing all those things I mentioned above, I changed my relationship. When I gave to him he gave back. The more I put out the more I got in return. I stopped making the entire relationship about me. Everything has changed, and it’s all because I chose to change it.
Remember that in the end you have no control over anyone but yourself. If you want or need something, stop looking to the other person to give it to you and start looking to yourself.
You can change your life and your relationship patterns. It may not happen overnight and it may not be as fast as you want, but have some faith and keep moving forward. Love will happen.
About Carrie L. Burns
Carrie L. Burns is a blogger on a mission of self-discovery. As a sexual abuse survivor that struggled for years with depression anxiety, low self-esteem, lack of self-love, and relationship issues, she found her purpose through writing and sharing her story with others. Check out her other writing at www.acinglife.com.