“Enjoy your own life without comparing it with that of another.” ~Marquis de Condorc
I struggled to offer a tight smile to a friend who had achieved a life-changing career break.
Although I was thrilled and excited for my friend, I was sad and disappointed in myself. I, too, had worked hard and waited patiently, but unlike my friend, my work and my wait continued, unacknowledged and unrewarded.
At first I didn’t notice I had been bitten by envy. But its invisible poison infected my bloodstream, polluting my future interactions with my friend. I was guarded, afraid of being hurt yet again by yet another one of my friend’s successes.
Each conversation rubbed between us, creating a visible strain in our relationship. Over time, I started to avoid her. She couldn’t understand why I was pulling away. Envy was killing our friendship.
For years, I sat on the other side of envy. I was the one who friends showered with praise while hiding the sorrow in their hearts.
One particular girlfriend who was equally talented and creative felt stuck in a dead-end teaching career that seemed to restart each two years at a different school, preventing her from the security of tenure. She devoted all her free time to her students, sacrificing her dreams of writing and art. Finally, after yet another lay off, she crumbled into depression.
She glanced over at me and felt the sting of envy. Here I was, married with children, both with publication credits and art exhibits, and a teaching gig to boot. Why couldn’t she have a little bit of what I had?
At the time, I didn’t know how to comfort or encourage her. Envy festered until it overpowered the love we once shared. The friendship dissolved in bitterness and misunderstanding.
Now, years later, as more and more of my friends enjoy greater and greater success, I understand what my estranged friend must have endured all those years. If I didn’t do something, envy would kill off my friendships just like it had done years ago.
But how do you treat poison envy?
It’s taken a lot longer to learn how to turn away from envy, but here are the steps I used to free myself from its bondage and transform my life.
1. Stop comparing yourself to others.
The first step to overcoming envy is to stop focusing on what others have and face the truth about yourself.
As long as I was staring at my friends’ successes, I could not see that the dissatisfaction I felt had nothing to do with their victories and everything to do with my own perceived losses.
Once I turned the mirror away from others, I discovered I was not where I wanted to be in life. The envy I felt toward the success of others only masked the disappointment I felt in myself.
2. Stop judging.
Judgment, even self-imposed judgment, divides and conquers the soul into tiny squares designed to punish. I was stuck, unable to leapfrog to the next level of success, which was bad. My friends, on the other hand, were standing at the top of the mountain, which was good.
I didn’t understand that good and bad are relative terms. Without them, things just are.
Once I stopped judging myself, I was able to accept where I was. It may not have been where I wanted to be, but I was no longer angry about it.
3. Start seeing things clearly.
With no one to blame, I was forced to accept responsibility for where I was and how I got there.
Without the veil of envy, without the mirrors of comparison, without the torture of judgment, I saw the truth clearly: I was not where I wanted to be because I was not who I needed to become.
I had the education, the work experience, and the job skills needed to get promoted, but my attitude of entitlement kept me sidelined. It was only in realizing I was no one special that my humility allowed for my true light to shine. Others took notice of the internal change, and I was promptly promoted to the job I had been craving.
Once I stopped comparing myself to others and acknowledged the truth about myself, the damaging effects of envy melted away. I was no longer pitted against my friends.
Now I enjoy the blessings others have been given without the shadow of self-pity. And I am able to champion their success even if our blessings our different.
I start each day anew, focused on my journey, no longer derailed by the journeys of others. I keep my friendships intact, even flourishing, without the bitterness of jealousy or the darkness of sorrow or the strangling voice of defeat.
You, too, can treat the poison envy in your life. Start by turning the mirror away from others and toward yourself. Stop judging your life by impossible standards. See yourself clearly for the first time: a wonderfully flawed human being with passionate goals.
About Angela Turpin
Angela Lam Turpin is an author and an artist. Her published work includes three novels: Legs, Blood Moon Rising, and Out of Balance, and a short story collection, The Human Act and Other Stories, published by All Things That Matter Press. Connect with her on Facebook, Twitter or her website: www.angelalamturpin.com.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Hi Angela, I know several people who have that same sort of envy but I always tell them to focus on themselves and the blessings will come with faith and patience. I use to see some people become so successful and then I wondered when will my time be next. Now I focus on my own career and praise the success of others.
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Hi Angela,
Thank you for this wonderful piece. It came at about the right time for me. I will try to follow the steps you have shared. Thanks.
hello Angela,
i love your post.
great introduction that we can relate to easily!
right to the heart of the problem and how easy it is to fall for it.
but just a little suggestion, it’s great you say
stop comparing. stop judging.
But i think people get more out of it if you tell them “how” can they stop doing those things…
Get them from a theoretical mind to a practical mind. how can i do this, right now.
🙂
One of the few things I credit my Catholic school upbringing is teaching the 7 deadly sins. Envy is a vice. Some people have more of it and others have less. It’s not something we can eradicate completely. But it was eastern philosophy that’s been helping me overcome it…to manage it, confront it, prevent it, work around it and even be friends with it. This article gives excellent tools on how to manage it. Thank you.
I’m officially creeped out because just this morning one of my best friends shared the news that she had just gotten an awesome internship at a major company for the summer. All morning I have been asking myself, “how can I be happy for her?” I really wanted to be proud and excited for her accomplishment but couldn’t help but feel bitter and envious because I haven’t had the same luck in my career. Sure enough, this post pops up on my twitter feed. Thanks 🙂
I feel like when you are envious you can never really be happy. How can you be happy for yourself if you can’t be happy for your loved ones? You have to understand that we are all on our own paths. Living our own lives. If you are envious you are blocking good things for happening for yourself. If you are happy, good things will happen. Appreciate what you have and what you do. Give it all your best and all your heart. The success of other people has nothing to do with you or your success.
I completely agree with you. We all have our own paths to travel and I think being envious of someone is the ultimate block in life.
This was a problem of mine’s for while and sometimes creeps back. However I realised a lot of envy stems from insecurity which in turn stems from judgement. Learning to be less judging of others and more accepting of them, I realised life becomes a lot easier/confident and no bad feels 🙂 : )
What if you believe the envy is projected towards you? What is the best way for you to deal with the digs and belittlements made by the envious person? Who is constantly comparing their lives to yours? How do you deal with having your marriage and significant
other put down, just because you decided to get married and they are still single?
What about the questioning of your parenting skills from someone who has no
children of their own; or have neither involvement nor experience with children?
What if the issue is deeply rooted since childhood and you have the misfortune of being related to such a person?
My gut instinct is to burn the bridge and never associate with this person again.
What should be said to his person next time paths are crossed to give them peace and leave you at peace as well? Is there some magic phrase that can be used as an antidote to their toxicity? Or is the initial desire of wanting to sever ties the best thing to do.
Wonderful article! Envy is a bitter pill, and the only antidote is a humble and honest look within. I genuinely want my friends to succeed and I’ve learned to celebrate with them because I know that everyone fights a hard battle and every victory is important. I never want to be the one who looks angrily on those I love when they do well. My conscience dictates that I genuinely celebrate the happy times even when they aren’t my own.
You are just amazing. I don’t know what else to say.
Ideally we should all try to follow the advice given here. However, envy is closely related to our inate competitiveness as fellow human-beings – it is therefore understandably difficult to feel joy (however much we may like that person) when they win the prize. Probably the best advice is to keep plugging away at whatever it is that we want to be or do – this puts all our brain-energy back into its source and distracts us from what we can’t change anyhow. PS Thank you so much for hosting such very interesting insights and thoughts about the world.
Great article! But what happened to step 4?
If you are related to this person, there are different ways to deal with it. First of all, you have to understand you and your life aren’t the problem. The person is and the perception they have. The next time they say something negative to you about your life, stop them their. If you sit there and listen, it’s like saying it’s okay to talk like that. Second of all, they are programmed to think like that. Especially if they have been thinking like that there whole entire lives. Keep your conversations as small as possible. They will catch a clue sooner or later. At the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter what you say as long as you know where your mind and heart is. Stay true to you, people will always have opinions. Doesn’t mean they are trying to be mean, just shows you how they think. We all think differently. No two human minds are alike.
The issue isn’t diffrence of opinions. The problem is the toxicity this person brings with them. There is a big diffrence between stating an opinion versus intervening and hurtful statements. This person told me long ago she hated me, because she was annoyed at the attention I received from others.
Belittling and putting down a person are not ways of sharing an opinion. It’s clearly an attempt to hurt and intrude. The timing, the tone, and body language all show signs of attack, and intent to start an argument.
You are right no two minds are alike and I don’t expect anyone to agree with me, or have the same lifestyle. But, I do demand respect and personal space regarding my life. I understand life is a journey and we all take different paths,that’s the beauty of life. No two are alike, and each is special. What is wrong to one person is right to another. I am no moral judge.
Attempts have been made with this person to keep conversations simple, but this person is intent on judging my life and putting it down.
I’m tired of the digs, put downs, and comparisons this person spews.
Wether her intent is to be mean or not, I can’t say for sure. I know when she is around things feel toxic. During the span of my life I have never gotten that vibe from anyone else, just her.
I guess what I am looking for is a way to burn the bridge with her in a way we can both be at peace. I don’t want to put myself in a position for her to hurt me any longer, nor do I want to be pushed to the point where I speak out of anger and say something I may regret.
I thank you so much for bring this one to my attention. I have been in denial. I needed to understand the whole process. I can now move forward in my career and every part of my life.
I’ve dealt with several of these situations. The best thing to do is to be gracious. Acknowledge the other person’s point of view
even if you disagree with it. There is
no magic phrase. If the relationship
continues to be toxic in spite of your best efforts, then it might be best to
let the person go in peace knowing you did all you could to save the
relationship.
Just let her know how you feel – your relationship is toxic, you don’t feel either one of you are getting the respect you both deserve – and it is best for both of you to part ways at least for now.
It got lost in the edit and ended up as part of the other steps!
I agree. When someone has a success we’ve been striving for, it’s only natural to ask, “Why not me?” Our natural competitiveness conflicts with our innate ability to love and connect with one another. Continuing the fight to excel even when we don’t win allows us to separate from those who have already achieved their dreams and celebrate their success without the poison of envy.
Stop comparing. Read Hans Christian Anderson’s “The Ugly Duckling” to learn how to stop comparing. You are a unique person unlike anyone else. Once you realize that you will no longer struggle with the desire to compare.
Stop judging. This is harder to do because we make judgments reflexively. But once we become aware of what we label “good” or “bad” or “a success” or “a failure,” then we can stop placing these labels and start stating the facts. Half of the time our feelings are generated from judgments we make about facts. “My friend got promoted, but not me” becomes “My friend got promoted, what’s wrong with me?”
Hope these concrete examples help flesh out the theoretical to the practical.
“The envy I felt toward the success of others only masked the disappointment I felt in myself.”
This is very true, and an insight I’ve had before about my own envious feelings. However, what if you ARE doing all that you can to change your circumstances (dating) and are still not finding the love so many others have? I am happy my friends are getting married/having children, but that’s something I desire too–not because I’m competitive, but because I desire love and a family of my own . I do all I can to put myself out there in the dating world–I truly do, but have yet to find a guy. It is hard not to compare when friends around you have very different lives than you. When their availability is limited because of the love in their life. It often feel like it’s in my face and the only way to protect myself is to stop hanging out with them. The more I do, the more I feel like an island.
( continued)
There are moments where I force myself to list and appreciate the freedoms I enjoy as a single lady, but I have enjoyed them for almost 15 years straight now, and more than ever want to share my life with another.
That’s great, sharing the burden of blame will keep her from getting defensive and prevent an argument. I was looking for the best way to part without a nasty confrontation and you delivered.Thank you so much.
This was an eye opening article. Greatly needed
Hi, yes i agree with this, if/when I start to feel envy I write lists of things I am grateful for and set goal lists too for the day, week, month, year, 5 years. It’s taken me a while to get this point. Got to keep moving forward.
One of my favourite stories. In fact I love all of Hans Christian Anderson stories. Your post made me remember how happy I used to be reading the book I had when I was little. : D
Is good to count your blessings. I have a husband, no children, I don’t want them, I couldn’t bear getting up in the middle of the night and taking them here there and everywhere all my friends with children tell me oh don’t you want them, its wonderful having a family. Yet when there’s other mums there all i hear is repeated moans about their lives, children, houses and their partners. To you they portray a different story because they are perhaps a little envious of you and your freedom? Travel see the world, have many lovers, most of all love yourself and be happy!!!!! Read the article over. x
My favorite poem DESIDERATA stated that “Never compare yourself with others. For always, there will be greater or lesser persons than yourself.”
Hi, so I read the column 3 days ago and responded to other people and was so happy and helpful. today I am racked with envy? I have a friend who I felt sapped all my energy with her negativity, and was very competitive and I decided I couldn’t handle being around her and now it seems all is wonderful and she’s rubbing it in my face, now deep down I know she’s not but I feel she owes me an apology and im so angry!! Any advice please?
Wonderful post. Envy is a tough thing to overcome and it can so easily take over your entire life without you even realising. This post was so helpful and concise. Thanks
It says there are four step but I I see only 3.
this is the first time i have opened up about this, and i completely relate to your comment. for months i have been envious of a close friend getting into a relationship and me coming out of one. for months I have been creating excuses in my head as to what is wrong with her so that I wouldn’t have to admit that I have wanted what she’s had. I’ve distanced myself from her hoping that she would eventually get the hint and to protect myself from hearing things that would hurt me, but can see that I’m potentially ending something special. Speaking to another friend she said the words that I have been denying. It will be a slow process but from today I choose to move in love and not fear.
I would like to share a personal breakthrough I discovered in being envious of others. I think we have to accept that although envy does originate from within ourselves, this is likely to be exactly what the person we are envious of wants. I think we have to realise that with the prevalence of today’s modern materialistic lifestyle, some people are so selfish they actually aim to get others to envy them, and don’t care about the negative emotional consequences in the envious. I think I’ve been personally struggling to understand that the key is that it is not all my fault. Rather my fault is being naïve in not realising that the creation of envy in other people is their aim. I think envy has a strong spiritual dimension and we can’t think we have failed as a person because we don’t compare to someone else. What really helped me was to think some positive assertions along the lines: “NO, I will not give you the recognition you want. NO, I will not give you the envy you want. NO, I do not want the selfish lifestyle you have. You are selfish, insecure and immature, and you can keep it all. God has given me all I need and I want nothing of yours…”
A very helpful insight, that underlying the envy is disappointment with myself.