“When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.” ~Franklin D. Roosevelt
At seventeen years old, baseball was my life. I played on the top summer Connecticut baseball teams, constantly practiced and trained, and dreamed of being a starter for the high school varsity team. Junior year I was on varsity but didn’t get any playing time, so I was putting all my hopes and dreams into spring of my senior year.
When I went to college showcases, I was one of the standout players and I received many letters in the mail from interested colleges who wanted me to go and play for them. I had scouts coming up to me saying, “Wow, you are an incredible hitter and ballplayer.”
Senior year, I did extremely well in tryouts. In live scrimmages against other teams, I was one of the only players on our team to consistently hit well.
In the last scrimmage of tryouts, I crushed a double against a Division I college-recruit athlete, one of the only players on my team to get a hit off of him. As a soon-to-be college athlete, I was one of the best players in the league.
Unexpected News in the Locker Room
On the bus ride back to the locker room after the final day of scrimmaging against another team, I was on cloud nine. I’d had a good game and had proved myself. Years of hard work and sacrifice were finally coming to fruition.
The coach took out the list and read the names of the players who made the team.
My name wasn’t called…
I was cut.
I was beyond devastated—I was destroyed. On the drive home, all I could think was, I’m nobody, I’m nothing, and I’m worthless. Those horrible thoughts kept playing in my head like a broken record.
I had all of my self-worth caught up with being on this team.
The Dark Night of My Soul
When I got home my parents were loving and supportive, but I pushed them away because I was so upset. I isolated myself, terrifying thoughts running through my mind:
I’m nothing. My life is over. I will never be able to show my face to the world again. All my years of hard work are wasted.
With all my self-worth flushed down the toilet, my dreams gone, and embarrassed to the full extent possible, I was ready to take my own life. I was ready to kill myself.
Have you ever been so zoomed in on something that you completely lost yourself in it?
That was exactly what I was experiencing, and because it was ripped from me so unexpectedly, I truly no longer wanted to be alive.
Senior year turned out to be the worst year of my life after everyone told me that it would be the best year. The happy endings we see in movies don’t always exist in reality. At the time, it seemed like my life had become a nightmare from which I couldn’t escape.
I went to the garage, grabbed the rope from the workbench, and considered hanging myself from the tree out back. But just before taking my own life, one last spark of hope came to me that said, “Put the rope down, go up to your room, and go to sleep. You will get through this.”
Thankfully, I listened to that intuitive knowing that came to me.
When You Feel Like Your Life is Over
We all have things that we care passionately about, sometimes to an unreasonable and unhealthy extent. While our individual situations and circumstances are vastly different, feelings are what connect us and are universal. The feeling of devastating loss is the same.
When those things that you care about most dearly are taken from you for reasons beyond your control, you don’t need to go to the extreme like I did.
Through discussions with hundreds of people in travels around the world, extensive research, and my transformation over the last seven years from someone literally on the brink of suicide, I’ve discovered proven tips and insights you can apply to get through your dark night of the soul, that moment when you feel like your life is over.
Take it one breath at a time—literally.
Put down the million and one things from your past that you are upset about and the billion and one things in your future that you are anxious about and simplify life down to one moment, this moment.
Just before I was about to hang myself, I used individual breaths to take me out of my downward spiral of self-hatred.
Keep it in perspective.
The tendency of the human mind is to zoom in on situations and lose perspective, especially when your heart and soul are involved in the outcome. We live in a huge world with a vast array of possibilities, and even though it doesn’t seem like it at the moment, your best days are ahead of you and your life is not ruined.
Instead of trying to think positively, shift back to neutral.
When you are that depressed—at rock bottom, with no hope like I was—the last thing you want is to be overly positive. Imagine driving your car and instead of putting it into drive, you are slowly shifting from reverse back to neutral; instead of fighting your thoughts, choose to be the observer of your thoughts.
Recognize what’s happened is not a reflection of your worth.
Your self-worth is infinite, and it’s not dependent upon external circumstances such as making or not making a team or getting a job, nor does it depend on what others think of you.
Know that you are loved.
I know it may not feel like it, and I absolutely understand the feeling of embarrassment that you’ll never be able to talk about what you are going through, but even when you feel most isolated, I promise there are people who still love you dearly.
Remember that there is a hidden opportunity in every setback.
When one door closes, another one opens. You can use setbacks to your advantage and a crisis is an opportunity for a breakthrough.
Realize this situation serves a purpose.
This unexpected and unfair situation you are going through (or have already been through) is the very situation life wants you to experience to get you to your next level. At the age of seventeen, with my biggest dream of being a starter on the high school varsity baseball team shattered to pieces, I never would have thought, from my limited vantage point, that life could get better, but it did.
The truth is you can handle any challenge life hands you.
The temporary feeling of rock bottom will go away when you realize just how connected and important you are. You have a purpose and you will help others.
Why Did No One Tell Me?
I’ll never understand, for as long as I live, why not one person told me that my self-worth doesn’t depend on being on some silly team. The people I went to high school with were as brainwashed as I was when it comes to what really matters in life.
But you know what? I can’t control those people I went to high school with and I peacefully wish them well. But I can control, in this present moment, the experiences and lessons I share with the world. And I’m here to tell you that there is always a solution and a way out, even when you think all possible options and solutions have been exhausted.
No matter how badly you feel right now, you will get through your predicament and end up using it to your advantage. You will find the silver lining and do incredible things with your life.
See you at the mountaintop.
Stormy night image via Shutterstock
About Jeff Davis
Jeff Davis is a professional speaker and the author of several books. He has done keynote speeches internationally and is a sought-after expert on self-leadership, anti-bullying, and overcoming adversity. Jeff frequently speaks to high schools, colleges, nonprofits, organizations, associations, conferences, and businesses. He’s been to five different continents and has a Master’s degree from Johns Hopkins Carey Business School.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
Hi Paul,
Thank you for the great article. I too had dreams of becoming a successful pro MX rider. I lived for motocross, I was not told by anyone I had to quit, but it soon became apparent my skills would never be good enough to make any money racing.
BKI am glad you did not take your life. Our neighbors son took his life at 17 and it was so painful to watch what his family had to go through. It still is one of my biggest fears for my own children.
I am glad you shared your experience, strength & hope.
Scott,
I give you a lot of credit for going after your dreams of becoming a pro MX rider. You gave it an amazing shot and that in itself is an accomplishment. I am so sorry to hear about your neighbor’s son who took his life at 17, the same age I experienced this unexpected setback with baseball. The pain his family went through is unthinkable, that is horrible to hear. I relate to the feeling of isolation, but it would have been infinitely better if he reached out to someone for help. He must have been in an enormous amount of suffering and didn’t know how to get out of it. I wish I could have talked to him before he did that and shared some strategies that may have helped him. I’m sure your children will be alright, you are a great guy.
I appreciate your kinds words, I’m also glad I shared this experience for the benefit of others. Thank you for your comment and sharing your thoughts, it means a lot.
-Jeff Davis
Thank you so much for writing this article and for bravely sharing your story. As someone who has struggled with worthlessness and self-hatred for nearly 3 years, it is encouraging and comforting to know that I am not alone. Your words helped and inspired me. Again, thank you. Blessings.
You’re welcome, I’m so glad these words resonated with you and helped you. I definitely know the feeling of worthlessness and self-hatred. While there are going to be setbacks and down days along the way, you can work your way out of it over time. Continue doing what you’re doing – being part of communities like this and surrounding yourself with the right people. One book that helped me is the Anxiety & Phobia Workbook by Edmund Bourne, in my particular case I didn’t need it for phobias, but more so for the constant anxiety and self-doubt. It’s also a good book for an improvement in the overall quality of your life, if you have time to take a look at it. Thanks for your comment, very much appreciated.
Jeff
Thanks for your response and for the recommendation. I will definitely check it out.
Thank you for sharing your story, Jeff! I know your work, and now understand how the dark times you went through have inspired you to share your message with young people. Keep up the awesome work!
You’re welcome Cloris, thank you so much for your support and encouragement. Yes, this experience has lit a fire in me and I’ve made it my mission to share these lessons with as many people as possible. I appreciate it, will do!
Jeff, I’d like to congratulate you. I’ve just read this article and watched your TED talk. You are a great writer and speaker as well as a very inspirational young man. I’m writing from England and I’ve been struggling to keep afloat for the past year and a half ever since I had a year much like your final year of high school. Lots of personal disappointments took place in my final year of grad school. I feel I needed to read and hear your words tonight because you have inspired me to keep going. I’ve been too focused on my outer life and neglected the inner. I didn’t realise that until now. Thank you and may God bless you and your future work.
Natalie,
You’re welcome, I really appreciate your kind words. I’m happy that my message and words resonated with you. As you know, I completely understand the experience of having lots of personal disappointments – keep moving forward, you’re definitely heading in the right direction and I’m sure you will move beyond this. Sounds like you came across this at the perfect time. Yes, it’s not always easy, but if you put more focus on the inner you’ll be better off. Thanks for the comment, it means a lot.
Hi Jeff,
I appreciate your well written points. Yes, everyone faces this deprivation at some point of life. The lucky ones get it very late at life that they can handle it rather easily. It is important that we endure this when it happens. Unfortunately, some people turn destructive when deprived. They either destroy themselves or others, especially the ones they perceive to be solely responsible for it. No feeling is permanent. Both elation and disappointment subsides in time.
By the by, how did you work afterwards? What is the ‘best thing’ you received when you came out of that deprivation?
Glad you liked the points, thanks for your comment. Hopefully less and less people will turn destructive over time. Feelings do come and go like waves, well said.
How I moved on was with the help of where I went to college, a small school in Maryland called McDaniel College. A big reason why I chose this school is because my senior year of high school was such a disaster. Wonderful college, lots of good things going on there. It changed my life. Of course I had plenty of ups and downs in college as well, but it was overall much, much better than high school. It had 100% the feel and day-to-day atmosphere of a college campus and the small size allowed me to get to know people and professors personally. I always viewed it as a second chance at High School and McDaniel helped me grow as a person. There are plenty of great schools out there – for me, McDaniel was the right step at that time and provided me with a nurturing and supportive community, especially after dealing with all the pressure in high school. It was pretty funny how in high school they always warned us of how challenging college would be, but the truth was high school was much more difficult than college.
Great question – the best thing I received after coming out of the deprivation was, ironically, being able to better handle problems. For example, as in the nature of life, later on I experienced more setbacks. Objectively speaking, one could say the setbacks I experienced after high school were worse. But the psychological devastation in high school was so great that it allowed me to end up laughing at these difficult setbacks later on in my life. I had already been exposed to my greatest fear of being nothing so unexpected events had less power over me than they had previously.
Thank you for sharing your story. I always wish and hope that I would be the only one who have hit rock bottom. I never wanted anyone else to feel the pain I felt but the longer I live the more I realize we all have to hit rock bottom in our lives to fully appreciate life and how great a come back can be, Thanks again for an awesome post.
You’re welcome, I’m really glad you liked it – thanks for the kind words. I’m the same way, I would never want someone else to experience rock bottom given how painful it is, but we all must have our own experiences and sometimes it happens. On a good note, we can always share with others important tools and strategies to deal with life when things go wrong for them. You said it very well…as the saying goes, a setback is an opportunity for a comeback. I agree hitting rock bottom can be valuable for growth and can be a setup for a great comeback as long as the person hitting rock bottom knows their self-worth doesn’t depend on the situation. I appreciate your comment very much!
That’s very true, the way to knowledge and self awareness is hitting rock bottom, there are some learnings that dont come without some hurt… the only way out is to understand and go ahead…
yes well said
Absolutely amazing! Have a lot of self worth I like that! Take it one breath at a time—literally- a lot of people focus on a million thing at time which makes them feel overwhelmed all the time. Perspective is an important aspect in life and it’s important to ensure you never lose your control on it. Someone told me once when I was going through a rough time that hitting rock bottom only means there is nowhere else to go but up! Remember that before you give up! Keep up the good work.
Very well said! I’m so glad my points resonated with you. Yes, perspective is crucial, as well as the other awesome points you made. Thank you for your comment.
Thank you, I am at the end of myself. Your article is exactly what I needed <3
Michelle, very glad the article resonated with you, thanks for the comment. Stay strong, I’m sure you will get through this.
You were going to kill yourself because you didn’t make the baseball team? I can’t imagine what you’d do if anything actually bad happened.
Thanks, Jeff. This advice applies to situations beyond your control. What if you feel your life is over due to something you did that cannot be fixed?
Glad you liked the post Mary. That’s a great question. Although you may not be able to change the situation, there still may be things within your power you can do to alleviate the pain. If there is someone you can apologize to (if an apology is necessary) then do that. If there’s something you can do to make up for it – even though it won’t change what happened – do it. If none of these suggestions apply to the situation, the best thing you can do is learn from it. Take an evening, multiple evenings, or as long as you need to reflect on it. Buy a notebook and write down every lesson you can possibly extract from the situation. Then make sure that you don’t repeat that mistake in the future. Another great way to alleviate the pain of a situation that cannot be fixed is to prevent others from making the same mistake or entering into the same difficulty. When we are giving to others and helping others, it transmutes our suffering into something better. So if there is nothing else you can do to remedy something that can’t be changed, learn from it to do better next time. Help other people get through similar challenges and do your best to prevent others from having to deal with it. Even though it cannot be fixed, there still may be something good that can come from it.
Amazing read. I so need this right now. I especially liked the part about being ‘neutral’ as opposed to ‘positive’ like so many people wrongly advise. I was expecting a house deal of mine to go through where I ultimately would have moved out of this noisy and extremely loud neighborhood I have been in for years. I prayed, hoped, worked towards it with all my might. At the very last second it fell through and I was devastated. Stuck another year in this place due to the contract, agreements blah blah. Point is that it felt like so much distress. Back to the old drawing board might be necessary but at times can be a real pain filled with sorrow, one feels downtrodden Will look to your article for fortitude, thanks again.
FS
I appreciate your thoughts and comments. I definitely feel your pain. There is some kind of silver lining and hidden opportunity in staying in your current neighborhood, it happened for a reason. I know it doesn’t feel like it and I can imagine the noisy neighborhood is very frustrating to live in. With time, something will emerge for your benefit. Shift back into neutral, count your blessings. There are people out there who have it much worse. Your situation is not a pleasant one and I completely understand you feeling downtrodden and upset about this. Claim your inner strength and stay strong, you can get through this. Learn what you can from it and do all that you can to make sure you are out of there a year from now. In the grand scheme of things a year will go by before you know it and you’ll move to a better place. You’ll be alright my friend.
Thank you so much for this… I did not want to get out of bed today, but something told me to at least google while under the covers. This got me to wake up early and take a jog to clear my mind. I am a college student who is broke and comes from a family who is also very broke. I live back home now and I am looking for work. As of right now, I cannot afford food, gas, or helping out with the rent just to keep up with school payments. My family is not in a good situation either, I am just grateful I have somewhere to live. My depression has worsened and sometimes I think my life is over (I am only 19). It takes a lot for me to even shower and be productive now. I really like what you said about shifting back to neutral. I am tired of people telling me to be positive when they do not understand my struggles…. I think I need to take some time to reflect and see what my options are. Thanks again.
I appreciate your comment, extremely glad you found this article at the right time. I know how you feel. These are difficult financial and life challenges, but you will get through them. I love how you said you are grateful you have somewhere to live. You have already taken a step forward, which is to be grateful for what you have. Stay strong, life has handed you these challenges for a reason and I’m sure you will get through them. Take it a day at a time and do what you can. It took a lot of courage to share this and I believe in what you’re doing.
Hey Jeff. Thanks for these extremely motivational advices. I’ve been screwing up my life the last couple of years ever since I graduated high school. I’m at a stage in life where I recently got kicked out of university and quit my job. I’m jobless with no education and have no idea where to go from here. My depression is strong. I cut off all my friends. I’m just really confused and disappointed in myself. Thanks. Your advices gave me a light glimmer in life 🙂
P.s I know this is sorta off topic. I just wanted to know the reason they cut you if you were so good?
Hey Zayn. I’m really glad the tips in this post have given you hope and light. You are experiencing some setbacks now, but you’ll get past this and look back on it as a turning point. You can use this situation to your advantage by taking a close look at the friends you had. Decide which ones you want in your life and which you don’t, and then surround yourself with the right people. If you can, pick one or two people you are close with and open up to them in a safe, confidential setting (it could be a family member, a relative, etc. It doesn’t have to be one of the friends you cut off, I’ve found having someone trustworthy to open up to can be helpful). There will be ups and downs, but keep pushing forward, trusting yourself, and you will find a solution.
That’s a great question. To this day, I genuinely have no idea. I know the baseball coaches were also hockey coaches and some of the hockey players were also baseball players, so the baseball coaches had their favorites. For whatever reason, reasons beyond my control, I wasn’t one of the coach’s favorites. My teammates told me that I was an awesome player, I was a college recruit athlete, I did well in tryouts, and my grades were good, so there’s no logical reason. Aside from speculation, I don’t know why it happened. I’ve learned that sometimes unexpected things happen and we have to accept things beyond our control, but there’s a reason for it and if we find the silver lining we will be better off than we were before the setback. Stay strong, you will get through this.
do you have any family members? if so you’ve got more than i do. get an education. there is FAFSA. then get a better job. make new friends. you had friends which means you can make friends. I can’t, I tried. But you can just make new friends. your situation is your own making. now fix it. unlike me no matter what i do i can’t make friends and i have no family and i have nobody and want to die. but not you, you have so much. it may be too late for me, it isn’t too late for you though.
I understand you are feeling badly. I feel your pain and I’ve been there. You have a purpose for being here and a reason to live. If you need someone to chat with, send me an email at jeff@jeffdspeaks.com
“I know it may not feel like it, and I absolutely understand the feeling
of embarrassment that you’ll never be able to talk about what you are
going through, but even when you feel most isolated, I promise there are
people who still love you dearly.”
Thanks for your article. But maybe I’ll try to read it again when I’m feeling better. Right now it’s impossible to read lines like these. Who loves me dearly? Nobody, of course. I’m not afraid of this truth. And I don’t care anymore, really. It actually hurts not being loved, which is funny cause love is pretty scarce in this rock here. It shouldn’t hurt and screw up human beings. It does but it shouldn’t..
Anyway, that’s not the reason I want to die. I want to die because there are people who actually want to destroy me for no reason at all. Not being loved is not really the issue anymore. It was when I was 12. Not now, that I’ve learned to deal with it. But why do they want to destroy me? They want me unemployed. My dignity is already gone. My life is reduced to loneliness and isolation. Now they want me unemployed and so there goes what’s left of my dignity. Death is better. ANd then you ask me what have I done to them? Nothing! Nothing. Even so they make me feel like a dirty criminal. I hate this stupid world. The majority of adults I’ve met has the mentality of 5 years old. If they hate me, I have contempt for them them and their tedious little games. They don’t talk about arts or books or games or ideas. of course not! They love to gossip about other people though. And they think being mean proves their ‘value’. Bravery now is = being mean. Being narcissist is a must in this freaking planet. That’s the world right now. Unfortunately or not I don’t fit in this disgraceful place. The fact that my life was screwed up since the beginning doesn’t help my cause either. I’m only sorry for my son. After years of humiliation, of devils entering my life to screw it, I’m defeated. I’m so freaking lost.
I get what you are saying and I understand how you feel. Yes, people are mean and a lot of adult conversation has degenerated into gossip. And yes, people also play games and can be fake. I 100% know you are feeling lost and you have every right to feel this way, life can be frustrating and challenging. Although you may not want to hear it at this moment and it doesn’t feel like it, you have good days ahead of you. You are here for a reason and although you had to experience humiliation (you definitely didn’t deserve that), you will get past this. Stay strong, I know you can get through this. You may not have the time, but if you can free up an evening every week or every other week, I suggest joining a club near you. I’ve felt like you have before and joining a club such as Toastmasters, Rotary, Kiwanis, or Lions helps to restore your faith in humanity. I believe in you and I appreciate you leaving a comment.
ooohh you didn’t make the team, your life is over.
how about i have no family (orphan), no friends, can’t make any friends, no girlfriend, my life is hopeless, how about that for real hopeless. so what, you didn’t make the team, suck it up, you have a million things to live for. I have nothing.
Exactly what I needed to read. Since I was 8 (I’m 15 now), I dreamed about spending a year abroad in Australia. I dreamed about it every single day, and everything I did was about it: I have to study hard for that test because if I fail, my parents won’t let me go to Australia, I can’t drink or smoke cause my parents won’t trust me and won’t let me go…
I started doing a research with my mom and I found out my parents don’t have the money. We never had money issues, I always had everythig I wanted.
I feel so broken, like I’ve lost my reason to live. I’ve been putting so much effort, and finding out just like this that my dream is over. It’s just devastating.
I’m so angry at my parents for not having the money but at the same time I just want to die.
I think I’ll just let things flow to see what else I can do now that my biggest dream is over.
I understand how you’re feeling, and it’s devastating you aren’t able to go to Australia right now. You’re smart to let things flow. Also, keep in mind you may be able to go to Australia in the future. During college, I studied abroad for a year in Budapest, Hungary, located in Eastern Europe. I say this because perhaps you could go to Australia during college. When you are choosing colleges, consider looking into the study abroad programs they have and see about going to Australia for two semesters or more. There are a lot of good study abroad programs out there. You can get credits for studying in Australia while living your dream of being there. Your dream may have been postponed, but there’s still a possibility you will go to Australia at some point in your future. It’s going to feel frustrating you can’t go right now and have to wait, but you can make it happen eventually. I give you credit for being open and sharing how you feel. Stay even-keeled and remember your best days are ahead of you.
I agree with all the points here except “you are loved.” Many people are not genuinely loved by anyone yet they find meaning and purpose in life. It seems unfair to tell people they don’t count just because they aren’t loved. No one has ever loved me, but I’m content with much of my life. It’s unnecessary to bring others into this. Reasons to live are to be found within us, not in others.
Matthew, thank you for your comment and for reading the article. I understand where you’re coming from and I completely agree reasons to live are to be found within us, not in others. When I say to someone “you are loved”, I’m not saying they don’t count just because they aren’t loved. “You are loved” can also mean that some people care for you more than you may have initially realized. Just before I was about to end my life, I felt 100% isolated and alone. I especially felt sure that no one loved me or cared for me. While my feelings were valid based on how I was feeling, there were people who did care for me – I just didn’t realize it in that moment. There were more people who didn’t care than who did care, but there were people at my high school and in my family, while few and far between, who would have been deeply hurt if I went through with the tragic action I was contemplating at that time. I was doing my best to point out in the article that when we are at rock bottom, our minds play tricks on us and make things seem worse than they really are. Our minds sometimes cause us to feel more isolated than we really are. Love comes in many forms and while someone may not “love” you in the typical way the word is used, in my opinion love can also include caring, respecting, thinking about you, and liking you as a person. You are right in saying that ultimately we find our self-worth within us, not in others.
I’ve had a similar life experience to you. I get what you are saying. While I can’t relate to no one ever loving me, I can relate to the world you’re in becoming a cruel, judgmental place filled with people who don’t have your best interests at heart. That’s why I love how you said reasons to live are to be found within us. This is exactly what I realized while I was meditating in my room after I almost killed myself, so we are on the same page. I’m sorry to hear no one has ever loved you. I love you, Matthew. I am now the first person to love you (I have a girlfriend and mean this purely in a platonic sense). I mean what I’m saying. Why am I saying this? I love you for your transparency. I love you for your courage. You have a lot of admirable qualities, and I admire and respect you for that.
Thanks for that Jeff. Your good intentions do matter to me, but I don’t know if I can accept that you love ME. You may love my words, but they aren’t ME. I should add that I have loved several others deeply but they didn’t return my feelings. I know what it is to love, but not to be loved. A few have cared for me and liked me as a person but they have died or moved on and in my depression I haven’t found others. My father wanted to love me in his own drunken way, I think, but my mother most definitely did not. She’s incapable of love for anyone, even herself. I haven’t known others who would care about my existence in many years. My existence means absolutely nothing to anyone but me. No one cares about my existence or the things I have done in any way. I can see how I’ve positively affected the lives of others, but If anyone else has felt the same about my actions, they’ve never indicated it in any way. Still, my life does mean something to me. It means the chance to still make a difference in the world.
Even though you don’t know me as a person, I accept your respect for what I wrote and the implications of my words. Thank you for that and for your original article. You added to my life by writing it and responding to my comments.
“Your self-worth is infinite, and it’s not dependent upon external circumstances such as making or not making a team or getting a job, nor does it depend on what others think of you.”
Yes! That was the key realization.
I just lost my job of almost 2 years. I would rather just give up and throw in the towel than try to find another job. The very idea of looking for another job makes me feel sick. I despise unemployment and everything that goes with it.
I’m sorry to hear you lost your job, that’s brutal. I acknowledge your frustrations and also empathize. Please know that even during these challenging coronavirus times, there are jobs available. I understand that the idea of looking for another job is not appealing. At the same time, there are opportunities out there. I believe in you, you can do it. Take that one first little step, and the next steps will come from that. Start with online job boards like Indeed, in my experience the online job boards are helpful. And treat it like a numbers game (here’s a video I made seven years ago about how life is a numbers game: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=do0qcdQz2yc)
I know this may be hard to see right now given your understandable frustrations, but the process can actually become fun once you get into it. In an excel or word doc, keep track of all the companies you’re applying to. You can then also document which companies say no, which you’re waiting to hear back on, and which are interested in interviewing you. You’re going to have to go through some no’s to get to that yes, but you WILL get that yes if you persist. If you’d like to talk more during this tough period for you, please feel free to email me at jeff@jeffdspeaks.com.
Finally I found someone who felt the same like me!! I’m so glad to read this. Thank you!
I’m grateful you read this article, related to what I experienced, and found value in the lessons learned. Thank you for your comment!
Interesting anecdote. So essentially, you were a star prep baseball player, with letters of interest (if not offers, this was unclear) from NCAA or NAIA colleges; you were hitting gappers againt future D1 pitchers; college coaches and elite New England club coaches all thought you were a good player…yet…you were cut your SR year from your HS team? Bull-fucking-shit.
This is not a face-to-face conversation, so I’d like you to know the following is written in full sincerity: from the bottom of my heart, your comment made me both laugh and feel better. Yes, all of these accolades and sporting accomplishments you mentioned did happen, which makes me not making the team that much more ridiculous. To clarify, they were both letters of interest and offers.
Since we don’t know each other, I understand where you’re coming from in the sense that this isn’t something you hear every day. In fact, that’s part of why I felt so down after I didn’t make the team: I was a tremendous player in the eyes of many others, and the whole situation was unexpected. As Mark Twain is known for saying, “Truth is stranger than fiction.” Thanks anyway for your comment and I wish you the best.
A truly worthless loser like myself cannot relate to this in any way. You were good at something, you had talent, and you achieved. But I have never achieved anything in life, and no, I am not young You’re only able to feel good about your life because you can look back on successes you had. But if, like me, you never succeeded or achieved anything, and are objectively worthless and without value, then all of this is simply fantasy. I had high hopes when I read the title, but quickly realized this article did not apply to me at all. I am a loser, and always will be
Thank you for your comment. I understand what you’re saying and relate to how you feel. You are definitely not a loser. You have a purpose and you’re here for a reason, even if it doesn’t feel that way. I’m sure you have talents you haven’t even discovered yet. Stay strong, you’ll get through this. The fact that you had the courage to share this with me makes you successful. I mean that sincerely – there are countless people in society who don’t have the guts to be open and honest. Keep your head up.
Thank you, Jeff. You are blessed and now I am, to have stumbled on this article.
Love
Jyoti <3
Jyoti, My pleasure. Your kind words mean a lot to me, I’m honored to hear that this article has resonated with you. Much love to you as well.
Near 75, this world seems to focus on youth. My difference is I have been there, now 6 months bedridden and at least 4 procedures I have been told that I have at least 20 more to go, but where to? Having been an entrepreneur , albeit a cautious one. Times change and I had to adjust to survive. Times are different now. Can a old dog learn new tricks? Live one breath at a time. still feeling of useful being lost. Is my mind lost I often wonder. Friends are scarce, I have tried all the volunteering I could find out fished, over bike ridden, Now a game of solitaire seems to be the one activity left. Where to ,or how to recharge the batteries of life. Life is good, but feels empty.
Clifford, I empathize with how you feel and I’d like to thank you for your heartfelt comment. You are strong and you clearly have lived an incredible life. I’m sorry you are going through struggles now, hoping you feel better soon. Indeed, friends are scarce – you’re right. Stay strong, you will get through this.
I can relate to life feeling good but also empty at the same time. No doubt, life can be and often is a struggle. You’ve persisted and gotten through so much, you’re an incredible soul. I’m sure you can move forward with your life and find the silver lining.
Let’s be friends. Feel free to send me an email at davisjeffrey222@gmail.com. I’m here for you.
at 62 im still waiting for that comeback u speak of. The hurt. dissapointment. pain never ends.
Carol, I’d like to start out by acknowledging how you feel. It’s important to know you’re not alone and I appreciate your honesty. I understand how you feel. I have deep hurts from the past that keep coming back, as do others.
I empathize with you and I’m sorry you’re still waiting for the comeback. I’m not going to provide an outright solution, but rather a nuanced/different way of looking at it. And this comes authentically from my heart:
A lot of people aren’t able to acknowledge how they really feel. You acknowledged it here very beautifully. Give yourself credit for that.
Maybe you get the comeback, maybe you don’t. It’s the willingness to stay strong and stick it out that counts that most. Most people can’t even imagine what you’ve been through. Realize that you’ve done a lot and you’ve come farther than you think.
Another thing to point out: there’s still time. It’s never, ever, ever too late. I mean this as a statement of fact. The comeback happens when we least expect it and when we think all is lost. You never know when it may come and in what way it may come. I’m not saying it will come for sure, though be open to the possibility of it still happening.
I’d like to emphasize again that I understand how you feel. Life is indeed a struggle. It’s so incredibly difficult to deal with all of the pain. You have a right to feel this way. Stay strong.
Consider meditating. There’s always hope. You will make it through this. You’re an incredible person who has achieved more than you think. Consider reading, “Mans Search For Meaning” by Viktor Frankl.
Hey Jeff
I’ve dreamt about moving to another country for 10 years, and luckily got my opportunity, but came home early literally over nothing and now all I feel is massive regret because the chance is all but gone (tough borders), my dreams are gone, I feel utterly traumatized by it and I did it all to myself. Everything I ever wanted seems to have passed me right by and for nothing at all. I’m tempted to give it another try to get back in although the outcome looks bleak and I would probably end up worse off getting knocked back at the border and sent home.
Can you offer me any advice as to how I can begin to try to move on from this?
Hey Ben,
Thanks for your comment, that took courage to share and I acknowledge you for that. What you experienced is tough and I understand the feeling of regret.
This is tough to see in the moment, though may be helpful to keep in the back of your mind: there’s a silver lining and hidden advantage here. In the past, there was a place I really wanted to be and I did as much as I could to make it happen. Despite my best efforts, it wasn’t meant to be. Looking back on it, I see that I was better off being somewhere else. I didn’t realize this until years after.
Of course, it would have been awesome to be and stay in the other country you wanted to be in for so long. There are also benefits to where you are now. Don’t be so hard on yourself and keep your head up. You’re an open person with a lot of good qualities. I believe in you and know you will get through this.
Think of things you’re grateful for. Look to make the most of where you are now. Take life as it comes, one day at a time, and keep moving forward. Stay strong.
I’ve had numerous people tell me that I’ll regret it forever and even myself I believe that it will forever haunt me until I’m an old man and affect me for the rest of my life. It’s driving me almost suicidal because it feels like I can’t live with such a big regret. All I can think about is how much I want to be there and all of the amazing life experiences I’ve robbed myself of due to utter carelessness.
The sad thing is, I didn’t do as much as I could to make it work. I didn’t give it my everything and ran away from it over nothing.
I understand how you feel. The people who are telling you that you’ll regret it forever aren’t giving you good advice. I would suggest seeing a psychologist, I and many others have benefited from that. We all make mistakes, that’s part of being human, and your mistake isn’t as big as you think it is. Show compassion to yourself, you are a good person. Stay strong, you will get through this and find other opportunities. Perhaps you will get a chance to return there in the future when the timing is better – and if not, it wasn’t mean to be and there’s nothing wrong with that. Talking to a psychologist can help you work through your regret in a healthy way, I recommend it.
In case you’re wondering, the country in question is the US and I got my chance by means of the Green Card lottery. I don’t know if there’ll ever be another chance to move there in the future, it just feels like now is the right time. And if I tried to go back then I risk denial and not being able to come back again, ever. So there’s a lot to consider I suppose. But thank you for your words of advice and encouragement, means a lot.
My pleasure, glad I can help in some way. Learn from the past and make your next move your best move. Sometimes we get so caught up in the past (myself included) that we forget to take the lesson and apply it in the present and the future. I don’t want to advise you on what decision to make as that’s up to you – it sounds like you’re thinking in the right direction in the sense that there’s a lot to consider. Think everything through, which you’re doing. I know there are no guarantees in life, though as a way to possibly think of it more positively, if you got there once you can do it again. There are other ways to be able to move there legally. There are no easy answers, but think in terms of possibilities. I know it’s very, very hard to see in the moment, but maybe something unexpectedly good can come from what happened.
It’s harder when your body no longer works right, pain is constant, and no one really finds worth in your words anymore. All future possibilities for me are gone, I can’t find the drive or worth in trying to go forward as nothing works out anymore. Even the most odd and horrible chances of lack of luck have fallen before me in the past few years. The day after Christmas will mark the second year I’ve now been out of work.
My disability wont be recognized because I can still technically walk but I can move only so much a day, some days not really much at all, no one wants to hire that in a world where people are lined up to be chopped down by employers who can now be so horribly picky, let alone sign up someone with a disability who’s not OFFICIALLY disabled so they get no credit or check for hiring said UN official disabled persons. The fact I worked so hard to hold onto my last job as I knew it could last only so long and wanted to keep one of the last true arcades open for as long as possible is apparently one of the reasons used against me in any kind of pursuit or hopes of being recognized as any kind of disabled or whatever one might call it.
Even in the ideals of working from home, I can’t often keep any real definitive schedule without there being the feeling I need to sleep or just in too much pain. It’s often gotten into my hands now as well as its gotten to roam through the body, roaming pains, sometimes pains all over, and doctors seem clueless to find the reasons. As such I get no formal diagnosis, and yet another reason I will likely never get recognition as being disabled.
I’d honestly just like a cure, but 2 years, not including the time it began while I was still working when I fought so hard to endure a kind of pain some days that many would’ve called an ambulance for. In many cases this article is right. When you’re able bodied and in mind there’s just about always a way forward. I use to pride myself that if the apocalypse came, and I survived it’s cause, I had a good chance of enduring and figuring my survival as well as others. But now the moment the pills stop, I’ll likely die not long after.
Just the same, just the concept of working from home has lead me to see that many of them are phishing schemes or still want you to train for the likes not at home, but at a facility. And if one were to miss too many days of such, you fail and you don’t get the job. Kind of defeats the whole god damn reason I’d be looking to work from home to try and train at a facility I couldn’t hope to get too regularly, let alone sit up right or be able to make each class due to any given bad day of pain I can’t focus.
Without any form of disability, my savings will eventually run out, it’s already becoming harder to imagine really enduring much longer with savings, but between living costs, and how banks are that like to steal your money when you’re not looking, come up with new fees despite having plenty in savings at the times something goes wrong, and that they should be able to ‘charge you’ for over draft protection, something that should already be in place and is only a charge as an anti consumer measure to make them legit in how they can steal your money for a service that was really just a removed expectation of management, lets face it… The rich get richer, the poor get poorer, and we’re suppose to believe that a bought off legal system has the interest in mind of average Joe who’s lost their money to corporate scum who make up the rules in their favor as they go along. You know, when they’re not getting off the hook for breaking the other rules of society by buying their way out. See bought off legal system comment above for details.
I don’t intend to be around when I have no money at all left and thus can’t make any decision at all for myself with the occasional distractions that some of the money I have left provides. It’ll be gone much sooner than later however.
Life is basically over because unlike this writer, there’s little to no way forward for someone who can’t keep moving. I had a decent run early on, it’s just bad I was pretty much cut down in my mid 30’s. There’s also likely no reason for me to write all this, no one is going to want to sit through reading it all. It’s more likely only going to be scanned for words of ill content to decide weather it should be removed or not if anything at all.
Having an un diagnosed problem that hinders one from being able to move much at all, or even able to focus or concentrate at the schedules demanded, unless you become one of these lucky souls who simply have something in them to really keep going and find a way to passively make money, it’s something of a slow death sentence. Because they can’t figure it out, they act like it’s just some minor pain, tell you how others work through pain, not knowing any inkling of what it gets like when for some reason WALKING starts to make your collar bones feel like they were smashed in. Something that sounds like it makes no sense, but as such it’s passed on as if they cant figure it out, it must not be this critical thing they can class that warrants a disability label, let alone an action of a real cure.
I’ve tried quite a lot, at the speed of our medical system works anyhow…. Tens unit, been getting spinal injections, burning the nerves in my spine is what I’ll get done on the other side of my back after the next set of injections. Quacks who believe putting insoles in my shoes was going to do something, various pills when I think much of this may have been brought on by a rare reaction from a blood pressure medication to begin with in something like Losartan. I’ve tried making myself believe it must be in my head like they say it is. No, it god damn is not. It’s not just a pain that can’t be ignored, it’s several. My only escape from it ‘sometimes’ is to not move much at all, and even that isn’t a sure bet. I can distract myself from it in part sometimes, but not always. I try to bring myself to walk around a little when I can, but it’s generally very brief. I try to keep my body moving here and there, because I know not being able to move much at all from the get go comes with it’s own problems.
Occasionally I play a game, but my hands don’t always hold out the right way. I try to do it further anyhow, but some of the medications, when not the pain, will keep me from being any kind of real tournament capable ever again, so I can’t be all that competitive to a level I would be that happy with myself. At least seems to be the case so far. My extensive knowledge of game history past is no longer that largely in demand as people can get that information just about anywhere across the net and anything that is not largely believed already would be simply said as not believed, even if you have the evidence.
I might as well just stop typing now. No one wants to hear it. Best it can do is get a sympathetic reply, at worst someone just telling me I should stop wallowing in self pity and how I didn’t put the effort in, or more likely nothing said at all. Life as I knew it is over. Has been for a while, and no new doors have opened that aren’t phishers or false hopes. It’s just easier for now to try and find some fun in a few things when I rarely can enjoy them, very few who will be awake or interested in what I am that matches up where I’ll have company in them. As for the system that was willing to take so much from my paychecks, yet if I ever did get better and was successful again would demand the money back I needed for these failed attempts at getting medical help for my situation, let alone outright refusal for labeling me as disabled, they know this situation will take care of its self.
I’ll simply be dead in due time, and unless anyone pays attention to why I died, it will have solved nothing, been for nothing. But what else will there be when it’s just pain, no money left for the help or distractions, and boy will that money go faster when they can charge hundreds for say something that might help like hemp pills that they can charge such a wallet raping price for, for something that you could’ve just grown on your own if they weren’t too busy keeping it outlawed for no other purpose than the fact they know they can make money on it being a controlled substance.You know, kind of like how you can die for your country before you can even drink alcohol because in some forgotten decade ago they needed an answer on how to fine people to pay for road ways.
Societies were meant to be a grouping together of people to enhance survive ability and quality of life. But it feels like that’s just getting used to enhance the quality of life for a growing number of kings and queens in politics and media while the rest of us get sold snake oil and lies when others aren’t going out of their way to write their uses into law because it benefits them and their likely retirement funds.
Those of us who just wanted a simple life doing our small part, and even went out of our way for good causes on our own dime? Unless it benefits those higher powers, we’re often forgotten if not dismantled. When you no longer have the ability to keep moving or survive without the medications you likely needed due to their changes in the first place, we get forced into dependence, and then they remain in position to keep you pinned by not even offering you what you need to get better unless it serves a cause. In my case, it’ll just be better if they let me pass away. I admittedly no longer have what anyone needs.
I acknowledge your struggles, and I’m sorry to hear you’re in so much pain. It took a lot of bravery to share this and I give you a lot of credit for that.
You have difficult circumstances, no doubt. Please know that you do matter. You are a wonderful person and you express yourself very well. This is a talent of yours.
Stay strong. I know that feels incredibly hard most of the time, but you do matter and there are people who care. Take life one day, one breath at a time and focus on what’s in your control. There may not be any immediate solutions, but do what you can each day.
You have more strength than you realize, and you’ve come a long way. I send you all my love.
Wait….. You were barely 20? So what?
Yes, I was seventeen when this happened. I didn’t have the coping skills then that I needed! Thanks for your comment.
Jeff, Thank you so much! I am going through a breakup, and an unsure professional path, all at the same time. After reading this, I realized hitting rockbottom is just to paddle back up. I stumbled on this article while searching for wisdom, and this is the perfect solution I could ever ask for. Thank you again:)
Madhavi, my pleasure. I’m honored that you resonated with this article and that it helped you so much. That means a lot and is the exact purpose of sharing something like this. Stay strong, you will get through this and I believe in you.
I literally feel like I’m living in a nightmare that I can’t wake up from. It feels like I took a tiny wrong turn and since then everything has crumbled. It feels like my life has been stolen and none of this should’ve happened. I don’t know if I’ll ever get out of this.
Thank you for this article though. I’m going to try and cling onto hope and when everything gets better – and I do believe it will – I’ll return and thank you again.
Hi Leila, I hear what you’re saying. Thank you for taking the time to comment and be vulnerable, and I’m honored to hear my words have been helpful for you. Life is filled with challenges and setbacks, there’s no doubt about that. The last three months of my life also felt like a nightmare due to something unexpected I’ve been experiencing, so I’m right there with you. I’m so sorry you feel this way and that everything is crumbling. Remember that when it seems like everything is falling down, that’s an opportunity in disguise to start over, begin again, and rise even higher. Everything inside you is screaming that you’re stuck – at the same time, this is exactly when you can go deep within your own psyche and soul and find the inner peace that the outer world will never give you. Easier said than done, I know, but possible with practice (I’m working on all of this myself). Stay strong, you will get through this. This situation you’re in completely sucks, but a silver lining will eventually emerge and you’ll come out on the other end of this. I believe in you.
Thank you.
I know what it’s like to feel like nothing is helping you. I’m sorry you feel this way, it’s beyond brutal. I hope you can find someone – anyone – to talk with about what you’re going through. Consider seeing a psychologist. Your life is not over, you had the courage to write this comment and that’s a step in the right direction, however small. Sending lots of love and good vibes your way.
I’m so glad you have written this for the public, Jeff. Recently, I have done a terrible mistake in my life. I’m not naming what it is, mainly due to embarrassment and guilt. But, I do know that it’s coming for me, the end of my life. One day, whether it’s in a week’s time, a month, or a year, my life will be over. Not dead, of course, but it will take away everything that I have gained, everything that I have worked for to climb up the ladder. My loved ones will despise me, and I will be overall a horrible being. I’m only 14 years of age, and I don’t know what the severity of this inevitable doom will be. I was and still am really anxious knowing that my life would be a misery after one single mistake. I will try to regain control of my feelings, as it’s very unstable for me right now, especially during today’s pandemic (2020’s COVID-19 outbreak). Thank you for sharing this with me and everyone else who has read this, Jeff. We all needed this, and you providing us with help is very appreciated by us.
Brian, This took courage for you to write. I’m so sorry you feel this way – we’ve all made mistakes in life, some of they horrible. I understand how you feel and how much anxiety you must have. I want to acknowledge how you’re feeling and for you to know that you can get through this, even if it feels like you can’t. I know what you mean about feeling unstable, especially with these uncertain times we live in.
Making a horrible mistake does not make you a horrible human being or a bad person. You are a good, brave person with a wonderful heart. Please don’t forget that.
Take life one breath, one step at a time. Be patient with yourself. Even if it feels like you will never come back from this mistake, you will. I’m impressed with your level of transparency and self-reflective abilities – some people go through their whole lives and are unable to do what you’ve done with this heartfelt, open comment.
If possible, see a psychologist. I and many others have worked with a psychologist and it can really help, when you’re talking to the right person.
It was my pleasure to write this for your benefit. If you need to speak further, please feel free to email me at jeff@jeffdspeaks.com.
Sending love and blessings your way.
Would empty platitudes like “there’s a hidden opportunity” really have been of comfort to you? They certainly aren’t to me.
I’m sorry you feel that way. Yes, “there’s a hidden opportunity in every setback” has been genuinely helpful to me and others. If you want to, would you please describe your situation in more detail? I’d love to provide specific and custom thoughts into how this insight could be more useful to you.
Omg I’m going through the same thing. Not really wanting to kill myself but just the feeling of my life being ruined. I am a junior right now and I was leading scorer for my basketball my freshman year. The next year I get a new coach and I saw 0 varsity minutes and almost no jv minutes. Now I’m off to my junior year and it’s the same thing. My heart is just gone because of this. I’ve worked so hard and it’s all just amounting to nothing.
I appreciate every single word you said here and I’m grateful to have seen this article, I’ve been a victim of depression for several months and even as I’m typing this right now. Everything seems so uninteresting to me and I feel so hopeless, I’m trying my best to be positive and always see life as an opportunity to try again but the spirit of negativity always comes afterwards” I have isolated myself and even cut off all my friends because I see myself as nothing with no self worth. I’m happy reading your article today I hope it get better from here with these good and hopeful thoughts you’ve given me 🙏.
Hi Jeff, I was searching, using key words “life / over etc” and I came across your article. Thank you, but I still need to work through much, depression like a tenant that will not go away, feel no purpose at my age, it is too late to start over, no additional finances, no job satisfaction, feel like going away with my Pekingese and living in that cabin in the woods…life feels meaningless right now, mundane… Sending much love from South Africa….
Honestly, this is the most delusional Pollyanna post. I’m well beyond my high school years, and most everything here sounds like it’s been picked off a motivational poster. I mean…it out helps someone, great. But as far as I have found, every situation is definitely NOT an opportunity. Most are there just to give you enough peace and happiness to make sure the next fall is even more devastating. Again…. not for everyone. But where is the reality in this post??
Jeff,
It simply does not necessarily work that one gets through horrific things. Look at what is happening now to many people. The people, the children in Gaza. Many under profound, constant suffering and oppression beyond their control and then they often die. It is happening right now, every day. They are not getting through it to another day. Their lives are destroyed (I’m talking real problems here, those of war and imprisonment and torture and abuse and being maimed and genocide) or they die miserable deaths, when they may have been doing okay before this horror happened. There is no positive explanation for this. No explanation of growth for a life beyond this. One would not fault them for thinking of or attempting suicide. In fact one would wonder how one would not do this in such a situation. I too have been forced into these very circumstances suddenly for no reason with no way out other than for death to come.
Thanks for sharing your story .Too often people are put down or pushed aside and left alone feeling like it's all over . You are inspirational and your story will help many people in similar circumstances