“If you judge people, you have no time to love them.” ~Mother Teresa
I kept thinking about how many years had passed by. Did I really waste four years by not contacting my best friend?
You see, I had a falling out with my close cousin. Growing up together since childhood, we became best friends—more like brothers through the years.
That was until we had a huge disagreement. We didn’t speak for what seemed like forever.
Admittedly, I was the one to blame. Though at that time, I didn’t see it that way.
When someone means a lot to you and then disappears, it leaves this huge void in your life—and possibly all because you couldn’t admit any wrongdoing. It’s something you can’t sweep under the rug so easily.
During that time, I wondered what he was up to. Should I try to contact him? It had been so long, I didn’t know if I should even try any longer.
Sometimes we take a sole stand, even if it’s against close friends. Maybe we won’t budge because we know we’re right (or refuse to admit we’re wrong). And if we can’t make sense of it all, maybe we wonder if we should let it be.
After four long years, our paths crossed once again. I heard he wanted to get in touch with me. I felt the same and was eager to finally meet up and talk in person.
It just so happened he also wondered how I was and what I was up to. After our talk, it’s like we never lost a beat. We took some time to bring ourselves up to speed, but we ultimately fixed our friendship.
Reflecting on my experiences taught me some valuable lessons about how to fix friendships. These may work for you too, if you apply them wholeheartedly:
1. Let the dust settle first.
If the argument was recent, allow some time for the psychological wounds to heal. If you do anything now, you may cause more harm than good.
Tempers flared, and hurtful things were said. Let both of you gain your senses first and reflect on what happened.
If you get back into the mix too soon before you’ve both had a chance to cool off, you risk experiencing a repeat episode of the same argument.
Time is your ally, so wait a while.
2. Purge your frustrations.
Frustrations can and will arise from time to time, so you’ll need an outlet to release stress and keep them from accumulating. Otherwise, they may undermine your good intentions.
Sometimes you’ll feel the need to vent and validate your hurt feelings, and that’s okay. It’s not healthy to hold your feelings in and pretend you’re okay, so vent away.
But at the same time, don’t badmouth your friend to anyone who’ll listen. Instead. Limit your diatribe to just one person you can confide in and trust.
It’s actually about working through your feelings. Talking out loud about your frustrations not only can make you feel better but can also give you more focus and perspective in the rebuilding process.
3. Give your ego a break.
An ego may have good and bad parts, but one thing’s for certain:
The ego is a projection of how we want people to see us. Sometimes, we go out of our way to protect this projection, but this costs us, because we often don’t allow ourselves to be vulnerable.
When attempting reconciliation, both your egos are just additional obstacles both of you have to bore through to make meaningful communication between your pure selves.
Remove any defensiveness you’re harboring and open your heart, exposing your vulnerability.
Face your fear of unpredictability even if you don’t know if your friend will accept or reject you.
Keep in mind that your friend needs to vent as well; you must mentally prepare yourself to listen to whatever opinions are thrown your way.
Lastly, be mindful not to criticize, judge, or complain. These will definitely close the doors to communication. Be sure to keep an open mind.
Your goal, by withdrawing your ego, is to get your friend to withdraw their ego as well and open up, thus removing barriers in order to reconnect.
4. Don’t be afraid to reach out first.
Get over that initial hump. It’s not as difficult as it appears.
Want to email them? Don’t be afraid to push that send button. That button won’t bite you back.
Afraid they won’t reply to you? You haven’t spoken to them for a while anyway, so what’s to fear?
Be fearless, take the leap, and go for it. Go ahead and find a way to contact them. Believe me, you’ve got absolutely nothing to lose, because your current situation can’t get any worse.
5. End the blame game once and for all.
Still figuring out who’s to blame? That means you’re still dwelling in the past.
Blaming something on anyone brings back up your fighting stance. Definitely counterproductive in fixing any relationship.
Accept the situation for what it is even if it doesn’t make any sense at the moment.
No one’s perfect in this world, and the last thing you want to do is stir the proverbial pot when trying to fix your friendship.
Find a way to climb on top of that and gain the advantage of seeing over your obstacles.
6. Visualize forgiveness before you utter a single word.
Whatever wrongdoings your friend has committed against you, picture yourself forgiving them, and envision those misdeeds dissolving into nothingness. Let this mindset envelope your soul right before you speak.
It’s like a golfer visualizing the ball moving through the green into the hole. He has his predetermined path planned in his head leading to his goal. All this visualization before he’s even putted the ball.
By foreseeing your goal, you’ve already set the right tone from the get-go.
Whatever the outcome, good or bad, you want your friend to know your intentions originated from peace, not hate.
7. Apologize for your part in what happened.
Saying sorry not only eases their pain but also shows that you’re giving a peace offering to the other side.
Even if you don’t feel you’re at fault, please know you still had some part to play in the fight.
Say sorry for anything incidental. For example, you took so long to contact them, or you weren’t able to hear their side of it.
8. Avoid asking “Why?”
Why is a tiny three-letter word that can cause more damage than good. When asking “Why?” you’re pretty much pinning them in a corner and making them feel trapped.
It’s like saying, “Explain yourself; you’re guilty!” They’ll get defensive, shut down, or stay silent.
You can change the question around so that it shows you care rather than appear demanding. Instead of asking, “Why did you act like that?” say, “Did I do anything that made you feel like you had to defend yourself?”
Asking it this way seems less confrontational and more inquisitive.
9. Avoid trying to force reciprocity.
If they’re the perpetrator, don’t feel entitled to an apology, and don’t fish for feedback.
Expecting something brings your ego back into play. It may cause unnecessary tension and create false expectations that can hinder any improvement.
Also, it’s possible they may never come around and may never be sorry at all. This is about unconditional love by giving only from your point of view, so it’s best to not expect anything in return.
If they truly wish to make it work, they’ll come around to explain their reasoning and let you know they’re sorry.
Doing it this way allows them to learn and grow themselves.
10. Be prepared to move on.
This is all about creating peace. However, if after all that you’ve done it does not come to fruition, don’t despair. Know in your heart that you’ve taken the initiative and freed yourself from guilt.
Why? Because you did everything you could possibly do. Now the ball is in their court.
Don’t burn any bridges and keep that door open to friendship, but use your best judgment. If you’re treated horribly or abused, after all of your best intentions, then it would be in your best interests to close that door.
Make That Friendship Even Stronger Than Before
The positive thing coming out of breaking and fixing a friendship is that both of you know each of your boundaries once you have crossed them.
It’s like playing with fire and getting burned.
You now know what not to cross, but at the same time, you’ll have a closer connection from having experienced it. A deeper understanding you couldn’t get any other way.
Your fixed relationship is sort of like an irreplaceable, cracked heirloom vase carefully glued back together. It may not look the same as it did before, but you can still value it for what it is and fully embrace it for what it represents.
One thing that I know for sure: if you value this friendship, the time you lose with them can never, ever be replaced. Life is short, and the clock is ticking.
Get the ball rolling. Make a conscious choice now. Remember, you have nothing to lose and only a friend to gain.
Friends image via Shutterstock
About Perry Manzano
Perry Manzano is a personal growth blogger. His website, Transform Stress Into Calm is for folks searching for an illuminated path out of their anxiety-filled world.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
I will show excellent internet job opportunity… three-five hrs of work /a day… Payment at the end of each week… Bonuses…Payment of 6-9 thousand dollars /a month… Merely several hrs of spare time, desktop or laptop,$ most basic knowing of web and dependable internet connection is what is needed…Get more information by visiting my page
A couple months ago, a fellow classmate and someone I knew from a 12-step group was receiving extra special attention from a mutual friend…someone I have known for more than 40 years. In the last few years, this other friend (not the classmate) and I had spent an incredible amount of time together, almost being best friends. For some reason, when this new person entered the picture, the focus shifted…she became his fishing bud, also taught her to ride motorcycles…she is more than 20 years younger than us both. Finally I snapped because I felt he had completely ignored me for some time and I went on facebook with a rant…not with names and probably only she and he knew who I was referring to. Something about what constituted friendship, etc., etc., then I unfriended them both. Well, she did respond and wound up blocking me and I have not talked to him…well, not exactly, we did try but my heart has gone out of it. So there are lessons…was it jealousy? I don’t think so…hurt, yes. Deep hurt, but there were probably two ways of handling it 1) should not have ranted on facebook…will not do that again and 2) talked to them privately and told them how I was feeling. The consequence is the severing of the relationships (even though I have apologized) and a certain amount of shame on my part. Am sure we will never communicate on any real level again. We have to pay attention to that ego thing and always be happy for others because in the end, our lashing out ends up hurting us.
I will share excellent internet freelancing opportunity… three to five hours of work /day… Payment each week… Performance depending bonuses…Payscale of $6k to $9k a month… Only few hrs of ~spare time, desktop or laptop, elementary understanding of internet and dependable web-connection needed…Have a visit to my disqus_profile for more info
Thank you for sharing this. I agree with you completely. Yes, there are actions we’ve all committed that we all wish we could just undo or just wish never happened in the first place. I for one am guilty of this. My actions have definitely cost me, but I like to think that these sacrifices sneak up on us on purpose in order to make us better and grow wiser.
When a trusted friend tells something they know to be untrue with the intent to deceive you and it causes you harm, how can you ever trust that person again? If the person were to acknowledge wrongdoing, then forgiveness would allow trust again. But, without the person apologizing for lying, that person can never be more than an acquaintance who is treated politely.
It does take two to tango. If the other doesn’t acknowledge that they are wrong, it’s my hope that someday, whenever that may be, they will discover and realize what they did wrong. If that happens or not, being polite to them speaks volumes in terms of leading by example, showing you won’t stoop to their level, and shows your strength since you can move on with or without them.
Friendships are voluntary. There will be disagreements. It’s up to them to place their differences aside, by taking responsibility. Unfortunately, my ex-best friend hasn’t accepted his part on ruining the friendship, due to disrespect. I would have respected him even more if he spoke to me like a mature adult, instead of calling me horrible names (which wasn’t necessary). He took his girlfriend’s side, and didn’t bother asking for my side of the story. His actions proved that he doesn’t know how to be a friend. I forgave him, but we can’t cross paths again. There’s nothing he can say or do to salvage the friendship.
Thank you, Perry, for sharing your experience.
I want to show great @@ work opportunity… three to five hours of work daily… Weekly paycheck… Bonus opportunities…Payscale of $6k to $9k /a month… Just few hours of your free time, any kind of computer, elementary understanding of web and stable connection is what is required…Get informed more about it by visiting my profile>page
I will guide you to this excellent internet job opportunity… 3-5 hours of work daily… Payment at the end of every week… Bonus opportunities…Payscale of six to nine thousand dollars /a month… Only few h of free time, any kind of computer, most elementary understanding of Internet and dependable connection needed…Get more info* on my disqus*page
When i read it i feel positive energy comes along with it..
Thanks for sharing.. 🙂
You’re most welcome! Thanks Delfia for your kind words. 🙂
Your paths didn’t really ‘cross again’ – that would be a neutral setting so to speak. Sounds like the only reason you you got back in touch with your cousin was because you heard through the grape vine they wanted to get back in touch with you. You didn’t really give your ego a rest.
I have been good friends with a girl that I know at work. I developed a crush on her. However she told one of our coworkers that she didn’t believe in dating coworkers but she didn’t tell me herself so I didn’t believe what my friend told me. Last week I found out that she is seeing someone else and I was hurt. She found out that I that she hurt me. I’ve given her my sincere apologies for how I acted. I know I messed up but I still believe in our friendship and I know we’re in a rocky situation now. We don’t talk to each other like we use to. Her text replies are short and seems like she’s ignoring me. However she still kept me as her Facebook friend and she even liked one of the pictures of myself I posted after it happened and I texted her something and she replied similarly to how she use to. I asked her if she hated me now and she told me that she would never hate me. I mean I’ve already apologized and I can’t keep doing that otherwise it sounds like I’m needy. Should I avoid talking to her for a while since this is all fresh? I don’t want to lose her. You don’t realize how important someone is in your life until you’re at the brink of losing them. What should I do? I’d really like to mend our friendship.
I would urge you to salvage the friendship. If you feel it can not be salvaged, then you really have not forgiven. True forgiveness means erasing everything they did from your memory. Few people truly forgive. That’s what made Luke Skywalker so great. He forgave his dad. Same thing with Jesus forgiving the people who killed him. Whether you believe the story is true or not is irrelevant. The teaching is displays speaks for itself. So please, don’t destroy a friendship because of his mistakes. It’s like Frodo and Sam. Sam still helped Frodo, even when Frodo shun him. That’s TRUE love. It’s hard, but worth it.
I would argue it does not show strength from moving on without them, but rather where your beliefs fall. A true friend will ALWAYS be doing everything in their power to help the other friend, and will never really move on without them, but rather be waiting at the doorstop for them to open it. 🙂
With all due respect Douglas, my ex-best friend was the person who destroyed the friendship because he doesn’t respect me as a person. I refuse to hold myself accountable for his actions, because I can’t control them.
I forgave my ex-best friend because I want peace in my life, so I can move forward without him. Sadly, there are some friendships that can’t be salvaged, due to extensive damage.
zczx
Thoughtful piece , Apropos , others have
been needing a DA 5304-R , my company filled out and faxed a blank
document here
https://goo.gl/yqbp9II just came across this. My best friend is currently taking some space for some boundaries I crossed over and over again (not being supportive, being jealous etc.) She recently told me that she misses me but feels as though a huge weight has been lifted off of her shoulders and that she can’t change how she feels. I’m having an incredibly difficult time with it because we have been inseparable for the past 5 years and now she’s shutting me out and barely speaking to me. I know that she loves and cares for me, but that she has also reached her breaking point. She has also told me that if we reconnected, she would want it to be “as friends building back.” But she’s still my best friend still as far as i am concerned. This time away has truly shown me all that I did wrong and took for granted. But even though I apologize over and over again, she still seems so indifferent. She reaches out briefly maybe once a week, but then asks for space. I guess the only way to fix this is to leave her alone completely… but i fear that she will enjoy the time away so much, she’ll never return.
My best friends have been friends forever and right now they are in a big fight. I don’t know how to fix it. They won’t talk about it and it hurts me that they won’t fix it. I know what they are fighting about but if I tried then just pushed me away. If anyone at all has a way to help please tell me. I am tried of yelling at them to solve the problem but I can’t fix it like I could before.
sometimes its just not that easy
Months ago i got into a heated argument with a friend of mine. We were in the same college class together, and got on really well. Her and i were like best friends. However, 4 months ago i said something which i shouldn`t have. I had things going on in my life and needed someone to talk to “She said she would always be there for me”. However, this was not the case and i tried to contact her through “Facebook, text and e-mail” to no avail. And so i sent her a message saying she betrayed me. But, now i realise that she never betrayed and i feel like a complete fool. Us not speaking really hurts. Do you think she will forgive me and do you think that these steps may possibly work?
I just finished arguing with one of my friends, how do I make sure we never have such a severe argument again?
Mine we had a misunderstanding and our friendship got toxic. Both had a fault there but my friend ended the friendship and hates me now. And for once she never admitted she’s wrong and I always look like I’m the bad guy.For once she never consulted me, always lecturing me and wrong timings
I dated a co worker for a few months but before we were exclusively dating we were friends. he had end us he told me he couldnt feel emotionally attached to me and he didnt know why so he ended it because he didnt want to lead me on and he also told me he couldnt give me or do what he felt that i deserved. i respect him for approaching the situation instead of pushing me even more in his mess. so we ended on good terms in the beginning we were still good friends like before we dated… but i still had feelings for him and felt jealous at a few points like where he would hang out with mutual friends and not invite me ( i know im typical) but i felt left out so i would talk to him about it since we did have an open communication at one point…. but eventually our friendship hit a breaking point he kept telling me i cant be what you want me to be i cant be that guy….. and eventually he stopped talking to me without giving me any other closure i guess because he had already gaven me closure before… we havent spoken like we did for about 2 years… but in between our no communication we somehow see eachother once in awhile physically or our names get mentioned to eachother from mutual friends… ive trieed reaching out in ways you can think of and he doesnt reach out back…. i miss going to him whenever i need advice or someone to just talk to… it still hurts me until this day that we arent communicating i feel like he took apart of me away with him where i feel incomplete…. my friends tell me just let him go forget about him he doesnt deserve you or deserve to have a friendship by you but i feel differently… but recently i was told that he doesnt hate me but he just feels like we can never be friends (i guess because of the consistency of how our friendship was after we stopped dating) but im like he just contridicted himself becuase if he claims that he doesnt hate me than why not have rebuild a friendship even though things may not ever go back to the way they were…
i feel like no matter how many times ive reached out to him that i need to do more and win back a friendship
i just dont know what to do… i need that part of me back
If a friend secretly records your conversations and let’s you know at a later date that they were doing it… what is left of the friendship?
A basic trust has been broken and it has done a lot of damage.
This man feels that it was perfectly fine for them to do this and sees my trouble with it as my problem. I have tried to explain his actions away in my mind, but I just can’t get back to a place of trust with him. I feel like if he came forward and apologized or at least said he wouldn’t do it again, I could see a way back towards a friendship. But without that, how can I trust this person again? I just don’t have any answers for this situation. It goes against every basic thing I think friendships are about.
…destroyed your friendship? No, no one can destroy how you feel toward someone. With all due respect LaTrice, you threw away your friend. A friend is someone who walks in when all others walk out. Maybe that was your opportunity to walk in and show him how much he meant to you. I had an incident where my best friend threw me away. I imagine the person now say’s the same thing you do, that I don’t respect them as a person. And, if the person is happier without me, then I wish them the best. However, I thought the world of my friend. That wound will never heal, and I will forever look back with sadness there. Like Luke Skywalker knew, nothing is beyond repair, don’t ever give up on someone. Please, don’t. Trust me, being someone who’s been on the other side, exile can be worst than someone pulling a trigger. 🙂
Thank you so much for this. It has inspired me to reach out to a beloved friend. We haven’t spoken for months, although we used to be the best of friends. I’m nervous about reaching out but I know it’s the right thing to do, even though I know she may not repond or may feel differently than me. It feels risky to reach out, but as you say, it is worth a try, because actual love is rare, at least it is for me i my life, and when you have a true friend, thats the most rare thing in life of all, and if theyre gone its irreplacable. I’m approacing this with pure love.
The last I checked, I’m entitled to my opinion. I have the right to decide who gets to be a part of my life, and who’s no longer welcomed. I told you in plain English that my ex-best friend was the person who destroyed the friendship, so life is too short to deal with unnecessary drama.
I’m not going to stop you from disagreeing with me, since you’re entitled to your opinion. But, I’m not going to argue with you.
Dear Douglas, thank you for your words… they help me to slow down my culpability that exists even if I was the one left by my friend (but by my fault also, I agree). I don’t want to bother anyone with my story, just to tell you thank you, your words help, even if I m damn in tears right now. PS. English is not my language and my friend speaks English, and I bought a gift to try to re-do our wounded bond… and I don’t have the right words to expain her that I would like to “revide” / start again our friendhsip… would you be able to give me a hand with these kind of words ? I would like to simply tell my friend what you wrote : “nothing is beyond repair, don’t ever give up on someone, please, dont ” but I am afraid it could be recieved as culpabilizing her, or trying to force her… I really don’t know how to do good… Anyway, thank you very much and I wish you all the love you deserve… and I wish your friend to come back to you…
i am sorry
iv had this friend for a long time but it semms like she is bad for me but in the past iv had alot of that but she lie to me and make me not trausrt ehr she allso in the past chose popular over me and oday me and my other frend were talking ad really without my consent told the other im dont with them and now i regret it. HELP
I agree completely. If you want to have real, close friendships, communication is crucial. It's not like you and a friend are always going to be in sync, agree on everything, never say anything that upsets the other person, etc. You're going to get into arguments, or hurt each other without meaning to. It's how you handle it that matters, and deciding what needs to be discussed and what can be let go. Often, you get closer when you work things through. Not all friendships are on this level, some are purely fun and casual. But for those friendships where you really trust each other, share a lot with each other, support each other, etc., you need to communicate to work things through. I think it's an art – and every friendship is different. Otherwise, you just distance yourself and walk away when things get tough, and they will get tough at times. It can be time to walk away, but at least for me, I want to take a lot more time and consideration before I do that with a friend I invested in and really care about.
I've reached out and just get ignored yet she was often in my proxomity and certainly made it known that she is not happy with me, I get intense glares and watch her walk off with her best friend for chats and I've seen her watching me and get flustured. I really don't understand. We work together v so we need to be civil and professional. I'm?not getting this from her. I have had to change my days in the office as the tension wasn't good and people were picking up on it. I'm not sure what else I can do.
Wouldn't the "don't be afraid to reach out first" one be considered block evasion if said person blocked you on one social media site but not others?
I recently messed up a friendship over my own insecurities and internal doubt. I want to fix this but I don't know how.
You’re most welcome LaTrice and thank you for sharing your story as well. I totally understand where you’re coming from.
Your experience with your ex-best friend reminds me of a “love is blind” situation I’ve similarly witnessed in the past. Where one cannot see his mistakes because he’s too smitten with his girlfriend. And only when they break-up, the spell would be broken and he’d realize his wrongdoings. But anyways, I digress …
You did the right thing. It’s necessary at times to show where we draw the line in order for us to move forward and for them to grow.
So me and my college friend are really good friends we formed a trio and did everything on campus together until one day. One night we went to a party and just up pretty slutty, and we took pictures. It has always been stated that the pictures we take as a tree or for our group scrapbook and not social media especially photos like the ones taken that night. All three of us are pre-med or pre-law majors therefore we have to uphold a certain reputation so that there is no issue when applying to medical school or law school. But one of my friends ended up posting three of our pictures together and all of them were quite racy. I texted my friend asking why she decided to post those photos when I had stated that that was not okay and I asked if she could crop me out. She replied that she wouldn’t crop me out and that she didn’t think the photos were any harm. I requested for her to again crop me out of the photos because I didn’t want a bad reputation for medical school,,. I told her if she was really my friend and cared about my feelings she would do this without a problem. I didn’t see the big deal of why she just wouldn’t remove me out the photos. We had a big argument over the phone later that day, it was literally a screaming match. Since then I apologize for screaming at her and she apologize for posting the photo. I asked her if we were cool and can work on repairing our friendship. She stated that she needed to repair her trust with me. My question is why does she need to repair her trust with me when she’s the one who did the wrong doing. I don’t know if I’m willing to fix this friendship due to the fact that now she is acting as if I’m the bad guy and that I have to put in all the work to fix the relationship by myself
I’m 19 years old and in college. I just broke up with my girlfriend of nearly 2 years and I feel so alone as I have nobody to talk to. I’ve neglected my relationship with my best friend michael from high school. I truly admire him. He’s probably the best man i’ve ever had the pleasure of welcoming into my life. However, as much as I want to be close with him again, I feel like the timing would put me in a negative light because i’ve only spent time with him a few times since college began and never was vulnerable always just friendly. I feel the need to explain myself or to tell him how much i admire his hard work and where he’s come but i’m afraid of his rejection or his judgment for coming to him at this time in need.
I think you should take some time and think about what you want to say, and then just be vulnerable and tell him everything. It’s really hard at first, but we all fall into these kinds of situations. You are well-intentioned, and I think that means everything. 🙂 when the time comes, he will understand.
“The actual beginnings of a separation are often so slight that they are scarcely noticed. Between two friends, whose acquaintance is of several years’ standing, sure that their tie will stand the ordinary tests of life, some unexpected and trivial incident first points to the parting of the ways; each discovers suddenly that, after all, the other is not necessary to him. An emotion unshared is sufficient to reveal some fundamental lack of sympathy hitherto concealed, and they go their different ways, neither claim debited with the least regret. Like the scarce perceptible mist of evening that divides dusk from night, the invisible chill has risen between them; each sees the other through a cloud that first veils, then distorts, and finally obliterates.” -Algernon Blackwood, “Julius Le Vallon”
i lost myself just because of too much loving of my two bestfriends. who am I now? anyway… a real monster i guess
Thank you for this because right now I feel like my friendship with a male friend is unrepairable. I am not willing to be a part of it anymore. He rejected me, someone who has been there for him for 14yrs, for his current girlfriend of 3yrs because she does not like me. She has done so many other things which I won’t publicly mention. I also heard they are engaged and since hearing this, I have seen and sooken to him on numerous occasions. I just need to leave this friendship without explanation. While things began unfolding, I would speak to him about how I felt as his friend and he gave me the death ear until I was seconds to giving up. He made me believe what he said and after it went back to normal. He would only contact me when he needs me and right now I am fed up. I can’t do this anymore. My husband does not like the way he treated me and has changed his heart towards him also. It just hurts. This is the first time in life this has happened to me. No other friend ever did this to me.
If I am wrong, please let me know.
Thank you very much for your sharing
state your intentions and let him know how you feel so you can vent. it’s your right as they hurt you. it’s about communication. Mine good friend did similar by being with her bf now married. She showed so much high interest when he was on vacation though. But when he got back she became unavailable. Yet was available when i’m there to help her heal with brain surgery. I told how i felt about being ghosted as she agreed to not do it to me but to communicate that if she want me gone just let me know but she went the ghosting silence route. I got rejected for wanting to spend time with her and she didn’t seem to care about my pains and used it as excuse to cut off our friendship. Some people aren’t open to communication. IT’s one way. we there for them but they aren’t for us. Sad world we live in when people can’t even discuss/workthings out in person and go the way of avoidance.
Your not wrong. In my case. I’ve decided to think of her as a puppy who ran away and hope she’ll come back home in future. puppies don’t know better for doing wrongs. Humans are like that too for not owning up to the pain they give others.
some people don’t understand the concept of a real friend. They don’ want to put the effort. They go silent. Friendship require communication and not many have the social skills. They jump the gun base on emotions. Sometimes there are no means to talk in person but through text/email which is often misread. The real message don’t get through and it makes things worse. There is no clarification discussion through text medium. It becomes black and white conclusion. Sometimes it seems it’s one way friendship yet the other person think it’s 2 way. Without discussion it goes south. Many people don’t realize heart to heart clarification is part of friendship yet many run away from it missing opportunity to build quality friendship
My friend dumped me a couple days ago. History repeats itself as my anxiety got the better of me yet again. I accused him of not wanting to be my friend because he wouldn’t carpool with me to certain events or message back. All stupid shit that my anxiety took and magnified 100 times and made me say dumb things. I apologized the first time, explained myself and why I had that outburst, but then it happened again…and a third time. He has a lot he needs to work on in his life, he has his problems and things he needs to do, so by me adding my issues on him and being over reactive I think I just pushed him too far. Now he doesn’t want to be my friend anymore…I realize now I was causing him stress. We didn’t hurt each other in the typical sense, it was just a matter of what he could take, I guess he doesn’t have a high tolerance for this kind of stuff. We had such good times together, I did things with him I’ve never done with friends in the past. We seemed so compatible, like I could understand him but I messed up. I tried to apologize but he was too annoyed and figured it be best if he not be friends anymore. How can I repair this? I’ve been so depressed and crying. I saw him at work today and had to leave early, otherwise I was gonna start getting too emotional just being around him. When and how should I get in touch with him to try and resolve it?
I think you should give them some time & space. Then, when they’ve had time to cool down, reach out and explain your outbursts and mental health, without being too emotional. Simply explain that your anxiety causes you to overthink things and I would suggest going to therapy or working on yourself to help your anxiety, and telling him you are doing so. And tell him you realize how it is affecting him and causing him stress and apologize for that. And tell him you’re working on not being so reactive. And really, do those things for yourself and notice how your anxiety is affecting your relationships and be mindful. Be easy on yourself, too. Anxiety is no joke. But it is controllable with help.
That’s very true. I’ve had an online friend for almost 10yrs, now we aren’t talking due to my personal issues. He was very upset and angry when I tried to contact him again, but that was months ago. My friend is my only and first friend, the best also, and he is irreplaceable. It’s very hard to make friends because I’m autistic, and I really appreciate his company, he as a person, and everything that we had. I miss him terribly. My friend is very reserved and sometimes it was hard to deal with, seemed like he got even more closed off these past years and I thought it could’ve been my fault. I was always open with him, by the way, as I trust him. I already have mental problems that I’m trying to deal with and this includes insecurities so the falling out we had was more my fault than his. I don’t expect him to talk about secrets or anything too personal, but he is reserved even with basic things that friends and acquaintances talk about. Day-to-day life, family, IDK, random topics. We mostly talked about our interests. I’m approaching life from a different perspective now, it’s been some months since I last tried to contact him, it was bad and I actually didn’t check for more replies because I felt horrendously sad. I tried to make amends, now it is up to him. I wish I could talk to him again and that our friendship strengthens and perhaps we can even meet offline.
I understand. Going through similar things. It’s pretty much met thatis the problem, but I’m willing to change. I have loads of trauma and mental health problems so it doesn’t help…. I hope you can rekindle your friendships. Much love and peace to you