“Once you have learned to love, you will have learned to live.” ~Unknown.
Desiderata is Latin for “desired things.” The original and famous Desiderata poem, penned in the 1920s by Max Ehrmann, gives general advice on living well.
It begins, “Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence,” and ends, “Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.”
The overwhelming message of Desiderata is to be kind and honest, and to keep faith in all our business and personal affairs. When it comes to love, it counsels us not to grow cynical, “For in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it (love) is as perennial as the grass.”
Some years ago, a relationship I was in ended after an exhaustingly rocky year. The break-up left my partner cynical and me arid and disenchanted. Exactly what Ehrmann cautioned against.
But our cynicism and disenchantment were understandable because on the surface, our relationship was perfect. We had hobbies and friends in common, two incomes, two cars, a lovely house. But while the bones of our relationship were there, the flesh was missing, eaten away by neglect.
Part of the reason, I believe, is that we had stopped eating meals together. I was vegan and he was not, so we ate different foods. I arrived home from work earlier than him, so I ate earlier, too hungry on my faddy diets to wait.
When we did sit at the table together at the end of a demanding workday, browsing Facebook seemed easier than the effort of conversation. When not at the table, I was upstairs writing while he was downstairs catching up on work email.
Nothing was overtly wrong with this; we got on well and were both happy living in our own little parallel worlds. And we did find time to do some things together—but when we did, our business mindsets rattled along beside us.
When we hiked together, we’d aim to reach the top of the mountain as quickly as we could, without stopping to enjoy the view. When we ran together, we raced so fast that we could not hold meaningful conversation.
I was doing a full-time job, a part-time job, and a part-time degree—all to better my career, my bank account, and my mind. When I wasn’t trying to be academically and economically successful, I was in the gym trying to better my body.
We filled our lives with worthy, rewarding, interesting projects—but the one project we forgot to include was us.
When success did come out of our efforts—him winning new contracts, me acing exams—we never celebrated.
We always planned to share a bottle of champagne or a meal out, but when it came to it we were too exhausted by the long hours behind the success. Besides, he didn’t want to drink and I didn’t want to eat.
Our personal hang-ups and foibles had wormed their way into our relationship and eaten its heart out.
I’m sure our relationship could have been salvaged, but by year-end we were so exhausted by all our late night discussions about it that we couldn’t even think straight.
We went to a relationship counselor who asked us about intimacy, vulnerability, and what love meant to each of us. While many of her resulting suggestions were valid, I think we just needed to share more meals—together, without the computers.
Six months after it had ended, on a reflective evening when I was meant to be editing my novel but was not, I revisited our relationship and the simple things I would have changed.
I knew that I had a choice about how I could respond to its loss: I could close my heart down or open it up even more. The result was my Desiderata of Love, the desired things of love, my way of salvaging fertile ash from the flames.
Sprinkle it all over your life if you think it will help.
Choose one or two points that resonate with you; probably the ones that make you feel a little uncomfortable. Trust your instincts on this. These are the areas you intuitively know need attention in your relationship.
The Desiderata of Love
One day I will write a book about love and it will not be about flowers, chocolates, and romance but about iPods, laptops, careers, and diets—everything that love is not.
Recall how happy you were when you and your partner first met and remember this.
When possible, eat together.
Share the delights of hunger and then share what you eat. Share your chocolate, you favorite foods. It’s in meeting our simplest needs together that we bond. Avoid eating separately too often; food should bind, not divide us.
In this age of equality, value difference.
Some people feel loved when given space, others when showered with attention. If you’re not sure what makes your partner feel loved, ask.
Don’t be too independent minded.
Let your partner help; it makes them feel needed.
Celebrate together, even the littlest milestones, but not always with alcohol.
Do invest in that weekend away together.
Those two coffees, those cinema tickets—sometimes it is a waste of money not to spend it.
Schedule together time.
Sometimes you have to plan the times in which you can be spontaneous.
If you have children, remember that in their innocence they will devour all the love, time, and attention you can give them. Keep some back for you and your partner.
Get a babysitter. What’s good for your relationship is priceless for your kids. Showing them a happy relationship is as valuable than sending them to the best schools.
Stop Googling answers to every question you come up with during the course of conversation.
Conversation is a journey made of wondering and imagination, not solely facts.
Switch off your computer and phone when you are together.
There is no intimacy in sitting at either end of a table with electronics between you. Make television a shared pleasure, not separate, watching different programs in different rooms. Comedy is good.
If one partner thinks you have a problem, and the other does not, there lies your problem.
Retain personal space; be mysterious, but avoid secrecy.
Take time apart, if necessary, to let your hearts grow fonder. Get counseling if you need, you have nothing to lose and everything—love—to gain.
Being vulnerable is not only about sharing your innermost fears and secrets, but sharing simple, silly joys.
Do not expect your partner to fill all your gaps.
They will fill some, friends will fill others, and other gaps will always be empty. Let that be as it is. The atoms from which we are built are, after all, 99% empty.
Love the fact you do not love everything about your partner.
Be forgiving. Learn to want who you have.
Your relationship is like a child, and no less than any child it needs your love, time, and attention; without these things, it won’t survive.
Don’t assume your partner will always be here. One day they won’t. When you see old couples still holding hands, notice what they have: not hair extensions, fake nails, fake tans, or perfect bodies; they have friendship, companionship, and time for each other. That is what counts.
Treasure what you have, with who you have, while you have it. Look after it as only you can.
Photo by derrickcollins

About Josephine Hughes
JR Hughes (Josephine) is an Irish writer who has recently moved to Ibiza, Spain for the warmth. She is working on three novels and hopes to secure a publishing deal soon. You can follow her progress and some of her random thoughts and photos at http://www.facebook.com/JRHughesWriter.
Awesome post Josephine!!! Such clearly listed points and simple ones at that! Thank you for this today! 🙂
I love this Josephine. Such a necessary message for today. Great writing, great points. Thank you.
This is exceptionally well written, but more importantly, a moving and beautiful post – bravo.
Lovely!
Can the writer please expound on this? »” If one partner thinks you have a problem, and the other does not, there lies your problem.”
perfection
I read that at thr perfect time. you may have just saved my marriage.
I often ask my husband if he is o.k. and make sure that we have at least one night a week where we go out, just the two of us to sit opposite and talk. He does not always relish this as he likes to be distracted, however I am aware it is important for both of us to be heard.
It is imperative to work on your relationship as it could easily slip away unnoticed and I do not think people appreciate that a partnership of any kind needs maintenance. I am lucky enough to have training in this area and often wonder if our relationship would have survived if I did not know what I know about human interaction.
Happy. Such lovely feedback. I wish you the best.
Yes it can feel so unnatural and uncomfortable to sit down to “talk”! And yet doing this allows us to be more natural, more ourselves, more comfortable together at all other times.
It’s a little like the thing I realised about spontaneity – that to be spontaneous, one has to formally diary/schedule blocks of time. That isn’t exactly spontaneous itself, but within that block of time one can then be spontaneous.
What I mean by this is that if one person (person 1) in a relationship has a problem or thinks there is a problem with the relationship, and the other (person 2) thinks everything is fine or denies there is a problem, then there is something that needs to be talked about or resolved. It indicates a slight break in communication.
Perhaps it will turn out that there isn’t a problem after all, and person 1’s mind and concerns will be set at ease. Or perhaps it will turn out that person 2 genuinely hadn’t realised that person 1’s needs weren’t being met or that they were unhappy about something. Either way a channel needs to be opened to reintroduce flow between the two.
Essentially, if one person in the partnership is unhappy about something, then both need to talk. Communicate about it. Come to understand each other better.
Jo
http://www.facebook.com/JRHughesWriter
Thank-you everyone for your comments and feedback. I really appreciate them.
Jo
http://www.facebook.com/JRHughesWriter
This is soooooooo beautiful, very heartwarming… besides, most people will talk about how difficult the loss of someone you love is hard, but only a few will have the courage to honestly tell what they could have done differently to save their relationship. Thanks for that.
This has given me so much peace of mind. Thank you for writing.
I love this line, Josephine: ‘If you’re not sure what makes your partner feel loved, ask’.
It applies to all relationships, not just a partner. Sometimes we expect the other to be a mind reader – if you REALLY loved me, you’d know the answer. But in truth, we evolve as people and how we wish to be loved changes over the years. Learning and re-learning this is what nurturing is about, I believe.
A very tender post Josephine.
– Razwana
This is all I ever wanted, but she decided it was easier to leave than share with me why she was unhappy and what could be done about it. She insisted she could only do it alone, after 3 years.
We have a beautiful 10 year old marriage with tons of romance and best of friendships. I did not need this article, nevertheless I enjoyed it. I have to say it is really beautiful, heartfelt and genuine. It has much wisdom to impart. I just asked my husband to read it and he really liked it as well. So Congratulations! We wish you peace and happiness and your desired things of love!
Sad to say that I did that to someone once :o/
I didn’t know why I was unhappy, I just couldn’t put words to it, and I couldn’t explain it to him or anyone else. I guess it was an unhappiness in that pre-verbal part of myself, that place that exists in us (that we exist in?) before words. It was nothing to do with him or our relationship.
In the end I had to walk away from him and everything else in my life, before I understood what was going on. I dropped everything – every possible thing that I could blame my unhappiness on – relationship, job, house, country, possessions… until it was just me and the realisation that everything is inside us and (true, non-ephemeral) happiness has nothing to do with external circumstances.
So maybe, for you, she didn’t understand what was going on either? Perhaps, unfortunately, the only thing she could do was go out alone into her desert?
The biggest regret of my life is the hurt I caused by walking away. I wish I hadn’t hurt someone like that but I also know that at the time there was no other way.
x
this is very moving…, with being a geek since the late 80’s and having several relationships in between then and now, i too agree, the tech influence takes away from the pure analog energy 2 humans can create. One does not realize the impact the digital and social networking connections have on yourself & relationships… currently, after 3 years and 1 year into engagement, she went back to get her 3rd degree, was a cpa, and now is a nurse, i stood by through all the school and transition,, i want to settle, yet we still live apart on our own, we both agree,, me, the GEEK of the relationship , is TOO harsh, in the questioning aspect of trying to gain understanding of where we go next….. its hard to break the habit of logical questioning as i use it daily in my career/hobby… I look for logical, simple, physical action-oriented answers to concerns between us, yet she will resort to the generalized and thinking-oriented emotional answers… there are times where we can find the balance of seeing each others perspectives in order to peacefully resolve the dispute , but its rare.. and to “jpierson’s” comment, what do you do when we dont agree lol! ? there is a communication barrier that can silently build itself up which we cant seem to figure out, without, agreeing to end the conversation, as we both know it is ending up into an argument as we defend our points without empathy… Perhaps, a tech heavy human, with 70% of their life being a digital imprint, cant see the same material/emotional resolution vs the step by step action oriented logical resolution?? Even with the ipads, phones & tv’s off, trying to take 2 people, who dont agree on 1 topic, who’s reasoning comes from separate places, can be a fight with no end? I feel we will need a protocol or mental “app”: in place to help with peaceful resolution, but we are at the point of just staying friends..
beautiful
Wow, wow and wow! Down to earth and so real, something you do not always find in a blog. Your sincerity comes out and helps people!
It sounds like you learned a lot from your experience. Thanks for taking the time to share it with so many people. So many modern couples have retreated into the isolating detachment of technology and careerism. This is one of the main errors I work to correct in my own practice. Thanks for shining a light on it, and may everyone who reads this article turn off their phone, shut down their laptops and other screens, and spend candle-lit time quietly snuggling with their sweetie, sharing nourishing words and treats long into the night.
Your problem is not the problem. Your problem is your attitude about the problem. -Captain Jack Sparrow
That “app” is called “forgiveness”.
“He does not always relish this as he likes to be distracted”
A lot of men (and people’s) desire to be “distracted” comes from inner pain or a desire to avoid confronting the Truth. That is my own experience at least. I can always tell when I am running and hiding from the Truth . . . when I am called to collapse my Presence into mindless screen-time movies, TED talks, Internet browsing . . .
Sitting in the presence of the Truth and letting it come through is one of the hardest things for modern humans to do. Yet essential.
Best wishes for your relationship
Thanks for your comment Andrew, I have trained as a therapist for nigh on twelve years now and totally understand why my husband likes distraction and it is more to do with ego states than avoiding pain or truth!
Josephine Hughes Thank you for the nice article and information. I enjoyed reading it very much
I believe she’s in the same place that you were in life. Recent grad, unable to find work in her field. Lost/Unhappy. This of course is what I’ve had to put together in the aftermath because she only said she needed to find herself.
We haven’t talked for 6 months and I’m moving on slowly. She recently moved out of state to start fresh much like you did. Got rid of her relationship, job, house, possessions. I hope she finds some clarity in her journey as you did.
Did you ever reach back out to those you hurt?
Great posting, I am in a similar position, communication levels have broken down because we were so busy living our lives and not giving anything for ourselves. Too much time has slipped by. I even question whether any marriage works, because I think people can live together just as happily without it. This post really resonated with me. Thanks.
Beautiful.