“We love because it is the only true adventure.” ~Nikki Giovanni
Last night I sat with an old friend who has recently broken up with his girlfriend. He’s sad. She’s sad.
I don’t think it was time for them to give up yet; he’s exhausted and disagrees. He says he thinks that he just loves to love. When you love to love, he says, it’s impossible to separate the act of loving from the person that you’re actually supposed to love.
He thinks that he’s too much in love with the idea of love to actually know what he wants. And so, he argues, giving her another chance would be futile.
I know what he means, because I love to love, too.
When I met my boyfriend, Chase, I thought I had been in love before. In fact, I was positive of it. I had built a life out of a dating and relationship blog—of course I had been in love before.
There was only one relationship that stood out from the masses of little flings, and for a time, he was my world. We met in college (although he wasn’t in school, a sign of different horizons that would eventually be the pitfall of our short-lived romance). And we developed our own little cocoon which quickly meant everything to me.
I had grown up with a happy home life, two parents that met, fell in love, and then stayed together. I had an (albeit naive) perspective that when you meet the right person, you fall in love, and that’s that.
I never doubted him for a minute; this was what was supposed to happen. I trusted it, the process of companionship, and I let myself settle into having someone.
After only a few short months together, he said he needed to move since he could no longer afford to live Boulder, where I was going to college at the time, so we made the decision to move in together.
Whether he meant that or not I’m unsure. I had more financial resources and was able to subsidize the move—a theme that stretched throughout the majority of our time together.
That decision to move in together felt like every other decision we made—an initial excitement that then was held together by necessity.
I have no other way to describe our time together but fearful. Fear of being alone. Fear I had made a mistake. Fear that if he left it was because I was unlovable, that there was something wrong with me.
In retrospect, I had an anxiety that was speaking volumes, louder than my voice ever could. I remember sitting in a park alone, crying, before signing the lease. I knew, deep down, that there was nothing solid about our life together, but I didn’t know what else to do.
Truly, I thought this was as good as it was going to get.
Quickly claustrophobic by our limiting world together, he began to rebel against me and our relationship. Within a matter of months, things started to fall apart.
He became angry, and mean, and a lot of true colors started to show. I didn’t know how to process this sudden shift and blamed myself. My life went from my own, to ours, to trying to salvage what was left in any respect.
I was quiet most of the time. My mom describes me during that time as very “proper,” always quiet and trying not to say the wrong thing. As a woman who has built a life on being an outspoken fearless thinker, I was quickly becoming a far cry from the person I once was.
It was a strange time, and although I don’t remember much of the details, I do remember it being extraordinarily painful.
I had let myself and my old hobbies go, and I’d slowly begun rejecting a lot of what was still left of the old me. I became the enemy for both of us, it seems, since I seemed to be the cause of much of his anger.
He told me incessantly that I was impossible to deal with, that I was impossible to love. He made his points clear. But I was lost in the world we’d built and didn’t know of a way out.
Eventually, after too long of sitting in that toxic mess we’d built, I ended it.
I was sad for a long time. I went back to being lonely, in an empty house, and I felt like a failure.
To be fair, I was young. In the beginning, I suppose more than anything I was just excited not to be alone anymore. In many respects, I was taken advantage of. In most respects, I wasn’t strong enough to stand up to my own fears and make good decisions.
Then, three years later, I met my current boyfriend, Chase.
By then I was strong and independent, with a great job, lots of dreams, friends, and a strong backbone in relationships. I had spent years processing how I had lost myself before, and I was determined to never go through that again.
But then the strangest thing happened: I started to feel these feelings that I had never felt before. Chase, unlike anyone before in my life, loved me. And unlike anything in my life, I loved him.
I didn’t just love the idea of him or the companionship of being together, but I adored the person that he was. He enjoyed the person that I was. And as I fell in love with him, they were feelings that were brand new.
They were feelings of belonging, safety, passion and companionship—and they didn’t have an ounce of underlying fear.
I realized that for the first time in my entire life, I was really falling in love.
Sometimes, in the beginning, and even still today, I’ll become untrusting and difficult, attacking out of nowhere. The naive trust that I had so long ago got used up and beaten up by the wrong person. But unlike that wrong person, when he used to attack for no reason, Chase protects everything: my happiness, our life together, and my relationship with myself.
So if there’s one thing that I learned the hard way in all of this, it’s this:
There are two experiences that we can define as love: we can fall in love with a person, or we can fall in love with companionship.
When you fall in love with a person, you get to experience their companionship as a byproduct. When you fall in love with companionship, it becomes an arrangement of need, where you become hinged on losing one another. It’s built on fear, necessity, and power. And that isn’t falling in love.
I can promise you this:
When you fall in love with a person, and they fall in love with you, you won’t lose yourself in love, because you will be an important part of that love and what makes it tick.
After a year together, Chase and I are moving in together this summer. It isn’t because we need to. It’s because we’ve slowly become a family already, and a place together is an exciting next step.
For the first time in my decorating-impaired life I’m planning curtains in my mind and begging him to go to Ikea with me. This next step is an exciting leap, and there’s no fear attached.
For the first time, I’m in love—and I haven’t lost myself even a tiny bit.
Photo by epSos.de
About Jennifer Gargotto
Jennifer Gargotto is an online marketing and SEO professional living in Denver, Colorado. You can follow her adventures online at MsMorphosis.com, where she writes about fearless thinking for modern women, and Blogging Fearlessly, where she teaches people how to grow personally and professionally online.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
thank you for sharing, I understand
Beautiful story! Thank you so much for sharing!
Thank you so much for this. I just got out of a 4 month relationship with someone I didn’t even really like all that much (something I figured out in retrospect). Yet I was devastated when it ended. I think you hit the nail on the head–I was attached to the companionship, not the person. I too became very quiet, and felt like I was losing myself. I’m in my mid-30s and have never been in love.
It makes me feel hope to read your words, “When you fall in love with a person, and they fall in love with you, you won’t lose yourself in love because you will be an important part of that love and what makes it tick.”
I can’t help but laugh at myself for reading this. It’s like my preparation for falling in love. (Yup, I have never fallen in love before.)
Thanks for a great read Jennifer!
Thank you. This was exactly what I needed to hear this morning
all true, but falling in love with a person and they not falling in love with you really stinks.
He was a narcissist…the guy who gave you nothing but fear. That was a wake-up that I’m so glad you heeded.
Thank you, Jennifer and Tiny Buddha … this is, without a doubt, the best piece I’ve ever read on this subject. (and trust me, I’ve read ALOT on this subject) It so perfectly and simply sums it all up … it’s either the “idea” or the person – and now, I’m waiting for that “person” feeling. =) Really great stuff!
Thank you. I needed this today, I needed something to make sense right now and this was exactly it.
my story is so similar as yours… and I am so happy you found your true love, I cannot wait to find mine. ^_^
I’m so sorry to hear about the breakup – they’re always devastating. But I’m so glad you’re finding some clarity with it and are realizing that you didn’t lose anything by losing them, you just learned that you are ready for love and it’s time to go out and find that person 🙂 Thank you so much for the sweet comment, and I have total confidence that when the right person comes along, you’ll be ready for them (and they’ll be so lucky to have you!)
Thank you so much for this.
It’s amazing how many people haven’t fallen in love – and that’s really a good thing. I mean, it only takes one person, right? So isn’t it better to wait for the RIGHT one person?? 🙂 Thanks for reading, Glori 🙂
Totally. As the love guru Charlie Brown once said, “Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.” ….
This is just the greatest compliment, ever. Thank you so, so much 🙂 Definitely wait for the person feeling – anything else is just an illusion (that, in the long run, doesn’t really pay off).
Yes, I agree. He wasn’t a very good guy, in retrospect. It’s amazing how we can become so committed to something that is so destructive. I’m grateful I found a way out, and it astounds me that he can still impact my psyche and self-perception, but it’s just a matter of staying honest with myself, moving forward, and allowing myself to trust and love in the present.
🙂 thank YOU for reading. I hope it’s a wonderful day 🙂
It’s worth the wait! My biggest advice – keep making space, and keep your eyes open in unexpected places 🙂 Thank you so much for reading and anyone that put you through the fearful horrible nonsense has no place in your life. xox
Thank you for reading 🙂 The weirdest part about this stuff is how much it doesn’t make sense. To this day I can’t make sense of the bad relationship – how I got myself into it, how he could be so mean, etc etc… but what I have made sense of is the “make space and move on” part, and that there’s something so much better out there 🙂
Thank you for reading 🙂 xo
Sometimes,that’s what we all need to hear. “I understand” are powerful words. Thank you for reading xo
Thank you so much for reading <3
I can relate to post on so many levels great read thank you
There are couples that get together and fall in love, and their goal to evolve as people and spiritually, These, in my experience, are the couples that really last: those who accept each other, warts and all, and see each other as the teacher karma sent them on their life path.
I am so blessed to have been in a committed relationship (marriage) for over 14 years and still going very strong and learning from each other.
Mostly, I see that there are conventional couple that get together to fulfill all the expectations they have had hammered in their brain from their parents, society, peer pressure and media, novels they read. It seems what happened to the writer was falling in love with the idea of love and re-creating her parents’ marriage. These couple are united by practical arrangements and situations. This is also the reason many people decide to have children, because “it’s what it’s supposed to be”. Way too many of these couples don’t last, or keep existing through the motions.
I have experienced what it means getting with someone to be like the other girls and not an outcast, or for fear of being alone. It is not the right way to go. I was alone for 6 years in my life and I felt in command of my actions and free from fake illusions of companionship.
This is so beautifully written. Thank you so much for sharing!
thanks for writing this and sharing this with us 🙂 It warms my heart and I hope some day I can fall in love with a person too. But I guess for now, just gotta keep working on myself and learn to love myself first.
I love this however, it brought tears to my eyes, because I see myself in alot of this and I feel foolish. Thank you for sharing.
Like it 🙂
I love this part:
“Falling in love with the person NOT with the companionship”
Great post!!
It’s the ultimate battle, figuring out what’s “real” – thank you so much for all of the positive feedback 🙂 I’m so glad you liked it!!
Don’t feel foolish – the more I write about these things, here and in my own book and blog, the more I see how many women (and men!) share these experiences. It’s part of what brings meaning and value to the love that really IS worth it. Thank you so much for reading and I’m so glad it resonated with you. xo
You’re welcome 🙂 Thank you so much for reading. Yeah, it really does “come along when you least expect it.” But if you love yourself, and you’re true to yourself, I really believe that you’ll “attract what you” and attract someone that loves you (the real you) that you can love too. There’s magic in making space and learning who we are 🙂 xo
Aw, thank you so much. You’re welcome! Thank YOU for reading!! xo
You’re totally right. Once I found someone that seemed to “fit the gap” I just placed them there, without any concept of a bigger picture or looking for true love that may, or may not, fill any sort of mold. Now in a new relationship, I’m finding that we’re creating our relationship ourselves, rather than trying to fit into each other’s molds. It’s an ongoing process 🙂 Congratulations on your beautiful marriage and thanks for sharing your experience, as well 🙂 xo
🙂 I’m so happy it resonated. Thank YOU so much for reading. xo
Beautiful piece and sharing.
Something very similar happened to me – the first part – and reading your experience confirms that to love a person (instead of companionship or any ideals we might have) must feel natural and fearless.
Thank you so much 🙂 And yes – I love that way of describing it – it IS really natural and fearless. Any fear I bring in is from the past, it’s unwarranted by his behavior or internal resistance to the relationship itself. It’s also very, very natural. It just sort of happens, and works – no “justifying” necessary. Thank you so much for reading and I’m sorry you had to go through something similar, but I’m glad that you’re moving forward. I’m confident that those who keep searching, and learning as they go, eventually grow to find what they’re looking for 🙂 xo
“They were feelings of belonging, safety, passion and companionship—and they didn’t have an ounce of underlying fear” … I’ve been single for many years, and in that time I’ve been untangling and releasing many of my underlying fears .. I’ve yet to experience the kind of fear-free relationship that you so beautifully describe .. and I feel now that I wasn’t ready in the past .. and now I am .. I’m looking forward to meeting my own Chase :o)
It is an eye opener for me. Thanks for sharing and I hope that everybody who reads it get the same good feeling and hope that one day when you have truly love yourself more, then that right person comes, he will make you feel that kind of feeling that says, this is it 🙂 Then you will truly know it is love and you did not lose yourself in the whole process.
Jennifer, this is a really great story. What
amazed me was how intelligently you analyzed what was going on. WOW! Excellent post.
I’m lucky I married the woman in my first real relationship. But I guess it’s really important to build a “backbone” in getting into a relationship to make it real work and for someone to handle it in a one-sided way if separation happens.
Thank You For sharing Jennifer! =)
I don’t know that would call it “falling in love with companionship” — at the root, it’s fear, isn’t it? In some cases, fear of being alone (again), fear that if he leaves, it will confirm that you’re unloveable or unworthy of being loved, fear that fill-in-the-blank…
I have shared this belief for a long time. It has seemed to me that so many people get married because it is the obvious next step, but so few of these people seem truly in love. I’ve been holding out for the last 3 years after getting out of a fear based relationship. At times I let others and conditioning nearly convince me that I should settle. This article really helped get me back on track. It’s ok to hold out for real love.
I have never read anything that can apply to my life to a T until I read this post. Although I am only 24 years old, I am constantly putting pressure on myself (as most of my friends are in serious relationships or getting engaged) to find the one. A few months ago I started dating someone because he was the first person I had gone on a date with who actually wanted a girlfriend and I jumped at the opportunity to finally have a boyfriend after 3 years of just casual dating. It was the worst experience ever. I was constantly doubting the entire thing and did not even enjoy the relationship because I was always so worried I would mess things up and end up single again. Needless to say I did have to end it because I realized my happiness could not depend on someone…especially someone who isn’t ‘the one’. Although I may not get married and have kids as early as I want to in life, your post really reaffirmed for me that it is important to wait for the right person and NEVER SETTLE. Thank you for giving me hope!
awesome….im glad i came across this article….i hope and wish i fall for a right guy who protects me and loves me a tonnn…..god bless
You are totally right, thank you so for making such a nice point. I’ve been there, done that and it was painful indeed. Now, even alone, I am much better, despite a certain amount of missing the true love. It will certainly come, no doubt. BE happy.
Thanks for the post, it was great to read. I had a similar experience with an angry, resentful bf (now ex). While I knew I loved him AND the companionship, I can see now that he loved the companionship (when everything I did and said was ‘wrong’ to him, and I began doubting myself in every respect, it became started to become clear that maybe it wasn’t me that was the problem after all, despite his constant criticism suggesting otherwise). The hurt and pain he caused was excruciating but I haven’t given up on finding love, that will be because the man will love me not just the security and companionship I bring 🙂
Your article resonated with me too- I’m in a long-distance relationship and it feels like it’s been a long time since I have been truly happy. He wants a life different from mine but when I ask him what he wants for the both of us, he cannot or refuses to answer me. Instead he keeps telling me to work on my inner self. I have also become fearful and angry because it makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me. Now I read your article and wonder if I am in love with him or just the companionship. Thank you for putting into words what I am unable to express.
Love what a massive topic, thank you for your honest approach in writing about your experiences with love and now having found peaceful, kind and gentle love.
I wish for you both a long journey of adventure and exploring in how this will be for you as with every couple it is so different.
I found my real love in my mature years which meant I went on a few rough roads to no where..did not always enjoy the ride yet came out bouncing and strong enough to give it another go! I am so thankful I did.. now I can be in peace knowing I have loved and been loved with someone who is in for me..Never give up..go for the ride and enjoy the road of love.
Your article mirrors my own experience with a boyfriend I moved in with when I was in my 30’s. Wouldn’t it be great if someone invented 20/20 glasses? That way we could see what we’re getting ourselves into before we got our hearts broken.
The words “unrealistic expectations” kept jumping into my mind as I read your story. When I was dating in my early 20’s, I had no clue what love was. Looking back, my world view formed from watching sitcoms and after-school specials.
Once I got into the dating game, I realized I was completely unprepared. I longed for this “love concept” in all the wrong ways and with (what I realize now) the wrong guys. I found my self worth becoming wrapped up with changing to please my boyfriend’s perspective while sacrificing my own identity. Oh, and it happened twice – and I didn’t even realize it.
I’ve been married for 14 years and I don’t think I could appreciate what I have now without all the knowledge (and pain) I experienced in my previous relationships.
Good for you for following your heart and drawing on your own experiences. Chase sounds like one lucky guy and I wish you happiness as you start this new chapter in your lives.