“Our interactions with one another reflect a dance between love and fear.” ~Ram Dass
In my personal experience, I’ve learned that it is sometimes easier to dance this journey of life solo rather than in partnership. Many of us have experienced life both in relationships and outside of them. Both are just as sweet.
I’d like to offer up some lessons I have learned in my dance in and out of relationships:
1. They are not meant to last forever.
Our society seems to put a lot of pressure on the idea that things will last forever. But the truth is, everything is impermanent.
After a recent breakup, I found myself feeling as though I had failed the relationship. Then I stepped outside of my conditioned thinking and discovered that love and failure do not reside together. For when you have loved, you have succeeded, every time.
It was Wayne Dyer that introduced me to the rather practical concept that “not every relationship is meant to last forever.” What a big burden off my back! Of all the souls hanging out on this planet, it seems to make sense that we might have more than one soul mate floating around.
Relationships can be our greatest teachers; it is often through them that we discover the most about ourselves. In relationships, we are provided with an opportunity to look into a mirror, revealing what we need to work on as individuals in order to be the best version of ourselves.
Each relationship will run its course, some a few weeks, months, years, or even a lifetime. This is the unknown that we all leap into.
2. Attachment is often the cause of suffering.
We sometimes cling to people in an attempt to hold them closer, but this often pushes them further away.
In love there is nothing to grasp; it is so expansive that trying to capture it is like trying to capture water with a net. When we attempt to control where a relationship is going, we become disconnected with the sweetness of the moment.
Ram Dass shared one of the most exquisite paradoxes: “As soon as you can give it all up, you can have it all.”
It is silly to think that we can own someone’s love, but many of us have tried to do it.
I often find myself fantasizing about how my future will unfold with a new partner, but it is in that moment when I fall out of the present.
We have the opportunity to surrender to the natural flow of relationships, letting go of our proposed outcomes and taking ourselves out of the driver seat.
This means being fully present in moments of intense love, conflict, uncertainty, vulnerability, and joy.
3. Being vs. doing.
In the beginning of relationships, we strive to show up as our best selves, hoping to impress the other person and to receive their love in return. In most cases, we are focused on doing simply because we want to make an outstanding impression on the person we fancy.
But if you’re anything like me, being and doing are extremely hard to keep up at the same time.
In relationships there is work, but there isn’t much we have to actively do. In fact, doing can often be associated with attempting to control a situation.
The place where we should hang out is in the being. Being allows us to show up as our authentic selves. When we show up as humans being, something magical happens. Being is our natural state. Love thrives in this space.
4. Allow for change.
Don’t be attached to any particular way your partner is showing up each day. Change is inevitable. As humans being, we are constantly growing and discovering new passions and experiences.
For example, next week your partner might wake up with the realization that they want to leave their job as a lawyer and become a yoga instructor. How will you respond? The news might be shocking and somewhat unusual, but change happens. The question is, can you allow space for that?
Oftentimes it is harder to embrace change within others than it is to accept within ourselves. If you are anything like me, consistency is super important; however, completely unrealistic. Someone once told me “you are consistent with your inconsistency.” I initially took this as an insult, but now I see it as a practical strength. It shows movement and willingness to change.
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Love is the greatest dance in life. Surrender to each step. Hold your partner close to your heart, but don’t grasp. If we can allow ourselves to enter into partnerships with this awareness, it may dramatically shift the way we see and experience relationships and love.
About Erin Coriell
Erin Coriell is an optimist, creator, hospice volunteer, and writer. She believes and embodies the saying “not all those who wander are lost.” To read about her adventures visit the TheFreedomTraveler.com.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Erin- great post- Going in to relation, we need to be vulnerable and instead of hiding our imperfection, we need to find out whether in relationship, it is acceptable and then happiness in relation might come.
If you are hiding your true self then it is not a relationship. It forms when two beings connect on a level where there is absence of judgement. Only acceptance and love.
Nice post.
Here is another perspective on improving relationships.. http://gameligit.com/9-ways-connect-partner/
I love this so much, Erin! Very wise words! May I share this on my blog with full credit to you and Tiny Buddha?
The ease through which we go through change in life determines our happiness.
Erin, I was a hospice volunteer too, and it is nice to see another optimist in that experience. You must be an awesome person!
I loved this! I failed to realize the being and not doing part in my last relationship. I’ve written this article with some lessons I learned that I hope will help others in their relationship: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/monica-miranda/breakup-lessons_b_5261221.html
What a great point about love thriving in a space where we show up in a natural state as our authentic selves, in the section you wrote about “being vs. doing!” If we cannot be who we are or if we are unwilling to do so or if we believe that is the only way to connect with others, then the resulting relationship or friendship is based on false truths or false perceptions of it.
I’m a bit unfamiliar with that Ram Dass quote you mentioned — “As soon as you can give it all up, you can have it all.” I like that it can be applied to many areas of life outside of relationships and love.
How wonderfully put, Erin.
I discovered recently that I messed up a three years or so relationship because I was plain dumb. I protected myself, maybe too much. I wasn’t being, and she was both being and doing and I never wanted to see it. I never accepted it, because of past failures.
Now, I’m trying to put things back together with a heavy past. Not knowing where it is going to lead.
Thank you Deanna! I don’t see why not, as long as you credit the original source as Tiny Buddha 🙂
Thank you for reading!! Love that “only acceptance and love”
Thank you, Monica! Great lessons, thank you for sharing them!
Thank you for reading, Kevin! Cheers to optimistic hospice volunteers- and BIG thanks to you for serving in that realm! Being in the in the presence of someone who is gearing up for the great leap is amazing, hard to describe in words. But you leave that experience changed each time. It’s pure grace.
Great insight 🙂 Thank you so much for reading!
Thank you for reading, Vincent! It sounds like you have another experience to put in your vault of wisdom. It may feel like you messed up, but with your newly discovered awareness, I can only help but feel really strongly that your next relationship will be wonderful! Forgive yourself and know you are loved dearly!
Thank you for reading, Nicole! Glad you liked the Ram Dass quote, and yes it can definitely be applied to all of life! Blessings to you!
Only when you truly love yourself, can be with yourself and can give what you have (unconditional love)….only then are you ready to be with another…. everything is temporary.
nicely written Erin!!!!
Enjoyed reading this Elin, it can be used for the other themes in life. For example in work and personal goals. But then everything is relational 🙂
Beautiful! Thank you for sharing. :O)
Thanks a lot!!
for this moment of my life I need more of this! 🙂
Exactly! Thank you for reading 🙂
Thank you so much for reading!
Thank you so much for reading 🙂
Thank you for reading, blessings to you!
Ask and you shall receive, the Universe is groovy like that! Thank you for reading!
love is like a war , it is very easy to start, but very hard to stop.
Beautiful post!!!! 🙂 I love when you said “For when you have loved, you have succeeded—every time.” Very cool!! I also felt relief the first time I heard Dr. Dyer say those words too!!! 🙂 Wonderful insight, thank you for sharing this! 🙂
Very insightful post. I have been trying to do every effort to keep our relationship happy whereas there is one point where i m totally stuck.
I am going through an extreme confusion phase. I really need help. I am in a relationship with this guy for last 8 years. Going to get married in next 2 months. During this time, the thing which was unquestionable was his love and his unfailing support. He was always there for me in any kind of crisis, may be its family, career, financial…anything. The problem is i am a little ambitious person, I have worked hard and moved to the top of my career quickly.
Whereas he is just keeping up with his very little paying job. I have tried to tell him many times to look for better paying opportunities or business or anything. He is never ever interested or may be uncomfortable in talking to me regarding job, business or money matters. The only answer i get from him is i can take care of the family very well. Leave it to me. Since our marriage is getting nearer, I am getting afraid of this kind of attitude It feels to me like complacency. It irritates to me a lot.
I am happy with everything except the financial matters. I am not sure what to do now.
Whether it’s a yoga practice,
Or buddhist theory,
Are super logic,
People’s thinking and logic is limited,
And nature and the enlightenment is infinite,
Want to through reasoning to understand the truth,
Like fireflies want through their own light to illuminate the whole mountain,
It is not enough,
This is a kind of experience, the word may be not accurate enough, can also be understood as awakening, or enlightenment)
Rather than reasoning,
The truth is infinite,
Don’t try to catch it,
Try to blend in it,
This is the blessing
I needed so badly to read this right now, two months into a relationship, my first one after a 16 year marriage. I am so scared, and to make matters worse, he broke up with me a week ago, only to reconsider because he’d misunderstood some things about me. I need to let go of my obsessive clinging, my attachment. I’m scared now, because of the breakup, and because I like him so much, but I don’t want to drive him away with my fear.
Great tips, really a nice post!
http://justsem.wordpress.com/
I don’t love anymore. Men hurt me to the point I decided to replace them with crystal meth. I’m a lot happier now. I rely on my tina girl now and will never trust men again.
Love is betrayal; men lie; but drugs keep their promises.
They do exactly what the dealer says they are going to do – and that blows men out of the water right then and there.
Really great post. Something I needed to read. <3
I took a break from my relationship with a man of a year and a half to gain some clarity. I had to step back and look at the big picture, because I felt that I was only harming myself by not letting it evolve naturally. I held high expectations, blamed him for not reciprocating my love, and blamed him for receiving my acts of love, and kindness without a return investment. I took time off to really understand what the meaning of love, a relationship, love without expectations, and judgment was, and most of all evaluating the love I held for myself, for without that it’s kind of hard to give love, and to receive love from another. A couple of months later and a completely new outlook on love and relationships, he finally told me he loved me. We couldn’t be happier 🙂
Love this article so much. I can’t tell you how much I needed this. I’m in a 3 yr relationship and I am dealing with trying to not be so clingy because I don’t want to lose him. He loves me and is patient, but everyone has their limits. I don’t want to push it. Thank you.
“Love is the greatest dance in life. Surrender to each step. Hold your partner close to your heart, but don’t grasp”
Great words. I enjoyed reading your article Erin. Thanks for sharing 🙂