“The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.” ~Anna Quindlen
Growing up, I refused to go to bed until I fit the last piece of my jigsaw puzzle. That’s when I first understood that it could be difficult to give up, but I didn’t think my perseverance was a problem.
Soon after, however, I realized that blind persistence could turn into an exhausting and useless quest.
When something unjust happened to me or to someone I loved, I worked relentlessly to “make things right.” In many occasions, my attempts to fix a negative situation would only make matters worse.
I wasted time and effort trying to stay in touch with people from high school and college who had no interest in keeping the friendship.
I held jobs where I wasn’t happy, making myself physically and emotionally ill.
Later, my persistence led me to three years of futile effort to save my troubled marriage. Living in pain through these three precious years taught me, among many things, that sometimes it’s imperative to give up.
You might be experiencing a situation that isn’t working and wondering whether you should persevere a little longer. You might wonder whether more time will allow you to fix the problem or reach the goal. After all, people always say, “Never give up.”
How do you know when it’s time to give up? Here are five signs that might help you decide.
Your quest to solve a problem takes over all other aspects of your life.
If you feel that you’re not enjoying life to the fullest because you can’t stop thinking about your situation, it might be time to reconsider the reasons you continue trying.
I became so overwhelmed by my desire to improve my marriage that I stopped focusing on my friends, family, and career. Don’t let this happen to you.
Working toward a worthwhile goal should be elating and exciting. Lack of excitement about achieving what you think you want probably means that you’ve become used to striving and never arriving. It’s “what you do,” and this routine doesn’t serve you.
Also, you may be justifying a painful situation in the name of psychological comfort. Fear of the unknown or of upsetting other people could be the true driver of your efforts because perceived safety and popularity are comforting.
What would your life be like if you stopped trying? Notice the first feeling that arrives when you ask this question. A feeling of freedom or exhilaration is a sign you are ready to give up.
You aren’t able to visualize a positive outcome.
If you continue working to achieve a goal and yet, it seems like an impossible dream to be successful, you’ll sabotage your own efforts.
In a quiet place, contemplate the realization of your goal in detail. Can you clearly picture the resolution of your problem? Can you see yourself succeeding and feeling good about your success? If not, it‘s a good idea to reassess your commitment to the goal.
When I dreamed about a fairytale ending to my marriage issues, my inner voice would often tell me there was a very small chance I would succeed.
However, my rational mind would kick in, and I would find new reasons to keep trying. This process of rationalization would eventually make me feel even worse about the possible outcome.
You start to feel poorly about yourself.
Not being able to achieve your goal might result in self-doubt about your abilities. You might wonder whether there is something wrong with you.
In most cases, a job, relationship, or project that hurts your self-worth isn’t worth it.
You’re the only person who shows interest in solving the problem or reaching the goal, but the outcome also depends on other people.
This is particularly relevant in relationships.
If you are the only person who initiates contact with a friend or the only one who takes action to improve a relationship, it’s unlikely that the relationship will thrive or even survive.
Letting go of relationships in which you’re the only person invested will produce temporary pain, but once you’ve overcome the negative emotions, you’ll be able to welcome loving and uplifting people into your life.
When you wake up in the morning, your first thought is to give up.
You’re most attuned to your intuition when you first open your eyes after a night of rest, and your intuition always knows what is in your best interest.
The emotional pain I experienced when I chose to silence my inner voice wasn’t needed or worth it. Trust that your intuition is guiding you to the places you’re meant to go, the career you’re meant to have, and the people you’re meant to meet.
Making the decision to give up might not be easy, but will open the door to fulfilling and joyful life experiences. Letting go will set you on a path of learning, growth, and expansion!
Tired man image via Shutterstock
About Cloris Kylie Stock
Cloris Kylie, marketing MBA, shows entrepreneurs how to create a strong marketing foundation and connect with influencers to grow a magnificent business. The bestselling author of Beyond Influencer Marketing and the host of "Beyond Influencer Marketing Podcast," she has been featured on network television, top-ranked podcasts, and YouTube shows and websites with millions of followers. Get her guide to connect with influencers at cloriskylie.com/influencer.
- Web |
- More Posts
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Thanks Cloris for a post. I think like you and all others we struggle with knowing when it is time to let go. Many times we second guess ourselves while sacrificing our life and time.
The difficulty for me is always knowing when the time is right and since you mentioned that early in the morning when you start your day is the best time since all those things will be on your mind then makes perfect sense.
It is also very easy to decide when you realize you are the only person working towards a solution. If the other person is not interested that is a clear sign, it is time to let go and or move on.
Career wise it is somewhat difficult but you know it when going to work seems painful enough. If you are miserable and you dread going to the office or doing the job then it is clear it is time to give up.
Yes!! Thank you for this reminder! I also had trouble with “giving up” because I equated it with “quitting.” “I’m no quitter! I can MAKE [the desired outcome] happen if I just work harder!” That good ol’ Protestant Work Ethic wouldn’t let me quit. Once I changed my language, it changed my point of view and moving on became much easier. Now, I tell myself I’m just creating space in my life for the things I really want. I have to clean house and get rid of the old couch before I can have room for the new one; relationships (romantic, platonic, or professional) are the same. If I’m doing all the work, I cut back and see what happens. If people or opportunities drift away, I let them, and I tell myself it’s creating space for me to get what I truly want. 😀
Beautifully said, Lisa Gardner! Thank you for the comment! Hope you stay in touch by subscribing to my future articles or connecting on social media!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Rose! Very well said. Hope you continue offering feedback on my future articles. I invite you to visit my website. Best to you!
God this is good. I used to believe that my refusal to give up on people was some sort of strength. Boy was I wrong. My inability to let go of people who resisted or refused to do their own work showed a complete disregard for myself and my worth. Every word you’ve written here resonated with me. These were some seriously painful lessons.
Cloris, this is a really powerful post – thank you. I think we all experience things we must give up on, but that guilt of being a ‘quitter’ can loom strongly. I think it’s also that fear of regret or of giving up too soon. But your tips are wonderful ways to help us determine the motivation behind continuing the quest or moving on to something else (or to nothing). Thank you 🙂
Thank you so much for your comment, Stephen! it means a lot to know that my article reminded you that sometimes giving up is the healthiest action we can take. Hope you stay in touch! I invite you to visit my website and join my community. All the best to you!
Thank you, Shannon for your kind words. I really appreciate your comment, and hope we connect through my website or on social media. Best wishes to you!
Cloris,
I think what you’ve said is quite profound. Often we’re doing things (and too much) for the wrong reasons and somehow we need to reality-check and stop. It’s hard if we’re conscientious people who like to stick at things but it can be liberating to let go.
Thank you for your comment, Peter! You’re right; taking a step back and reevaluating why we’re following a certain path is so important… Hope you join me on social media or my website. Best wishes!
Great article and Lisa’s feedback has hit the spot……”cut back and see what happens. If people or opportunities drift away…..” then let them…. there is my answer and I just need to accept that and “stop doing all the work”.
I had been dating a widower (his wife died two years ago this Christmas) for 3 months until the beginning of December. We had an amazing time together and the connection was incredible – we both agreed. Then suddenly, at the beginning of December, he shut down to what we had and I have been so distraught and sad….about what I thought we had…and what I thought we were going to have. There have been texts back and forth and we have seen each other once (and very quickly went back to where we were and it felt so good again) but then the next day a text arrived to say we shouldn’t have been affectionate as that’s not what friends do. Then a text arrived to say he wanted to drop Christmas presents over to me from him and the children. I have been so confused and have been going over and over things in my mind. I appreciate that this might be to do with his grief but I have supported him with this as best I can and I now realise that I too, deserve to be treated with respect and kindness.
Thanks to the article and feedback (like Lisa has said before – the articles can often be so timely!) I am going to take back the time and space I have been spending on trying to second guess what might happen with him and use that time and energy more wisely and ‘cut back and see what happens’.
Thank you both for your words of wisdom.
May 2015 be as good for you as I now know it’s going to be for me 🙂
Lizzie, thank you for sharing your story. You have a wonderful attitude, which reflects your inner strength. I agree that the person you had been dating hasn’t completely healed from his loss. He isn’t ready to provide what a solid relationship needs. You’re doing the right thing by letting time pass and focus on your own goals and aspirations. When/if he is ready, he’ll be back in your life. All the best to you in 2015 as well, and please connect with me on my site or social media.
Hi Cloris,
I really like your raw approach to this. We sometimes need a kick in the butt. I especially like the authenticity and how your voice is integrated into the message. Great work! Thank you. 🙂
That seems to be the common awakening moment, isn’t it? I experienced something very similar and learned what self-live is after that. Your comments always reflect someone’s filtered yet expansive point of view. Thanks for sharing them!
Thank you for reading the article and for the comment, Banu! Yes, we can learn so much from other people’s experiences, and that’s the power of Tiny Buddha. Hope you stay in touch via social media or my website!
Thanks again, Banu! I so appreciate the positive feedback!
Thank you Cloris. Enjoyed your thoughts, especially the last section. First thing in the morning thoughts are important. Thanks for the reminder.
This is a great article. I am in the process of re-inventing myself via self development. My work makes me miserable. I am a freelance creative/graphic designer and I struggle massively because of stress, fear, self doubt, cash flow nightmare etc… But I am careful with what was said in this article. Be mindful of why you are giving up and what you are moving onto. For years I have given up lots in the hope of solving problems and, moved onto something else just to have the same feelings again. For me I have continuously moved onto a ‘new’ work subject, e.g. From 3D Architectural Visualisation to 3D Models to Graphic Design to Illustration to Web Design to All at once! The subjects and my abilities creatively weren’t the problem! My self doubt, fear of failure, trying to please other people was the problem. That’s why I am now throwing in the towel on my freelance career, it’s too testing and too demanding in my current state of mind. Maybe one day I will return to it? But I dont care any more, it’s gripped me for too long. I am about to be a father and we have decided I am going to be the primary stay at home carer and I am super excited!! I am going back to college to gain a degree in Art & Design in the hope to forge a new ’employed’ career. I am so grateful. And my fear has been shredded now I have made the decision to ‘GIVE UP’!
Thank you, Daniel! It’s so great to hear you’ve found your path! Wonderful story… Congratulations on your baby and your new life! I wish you all the best. Stay in touch via social media or by joining my community at cloriskylie.com.
Im in limbo at the moment about ‘giving up’. Im currently studying to become a mental health nurse, i have one year left and i will be qualified with a nursing job all being well. But why do I feel that this is not enough?dont get me wrong, its a respectable job, I enjoy it mainly because i love the patients and i like the working environment as well. I get these thoughts of ‘you could be a doctor, or a psychologist or hey what about you enthusiasm for nutrition? you could be a dietitian!…Its like im always on to the next thing and what i have now isnt good enough. I mean them jobs would give me more ‘kudos’ i suppose, but i have never been one for school, I do it now because i have to. So i think give up, just be happy your a Nurse and stick with it afterall, its 10 steps up from what i have been doing before. Then I think ‘no dont give up, you can work harder, you can be more, better, earn more, MORE!’ and that floods me with anxiety, like if i keep working towards something when am i going to just live? im so confused between what i want vs what i should want and which one is which.
Nicola, it’s natural for humans to continue seeking improvement! And it’s okay to reinvent yourself and change your mind. However, remember that fulfillment won’t come from a job or a relationship or anything material. You must feel happy and fulfilled first to experience the joy in anything you do. Hope this helps. Thanks for reading the article!
I don’t like to give up. I’m the kind of person that likes to fight, until the very end. Unfortunately, things can’t really work out for themselves when one person is doing EVERYTHING!!!
I ended my twenty years of friendship with my ex-best friend several months ago. Honestly, I did give up. I didn’t see the point on me being friends with someone who was not only disrespectful, but lacked maturity. It wasn’t my fault, nor was it my problem that the girlfriend was insecure. Since she had a problem with me, she could have addressed the issue in person. Instead of calling me nasty names (which wasn’t necessary), and having my independence defined, my ex-best friend could have asked for my side of the story. He asked if we can work on the friendship, and I decided that it was time for me to go. Friendships shouldn’t have to be “worked on,” when it’s supposed to stay true. Sadly, he doesn’t know how to be a friend.
This experience taught me to stand up for myself, despite disagreements. I know my worth, and I shouldn’t have to tolerate disrespect. My ex-best friend’s behavior was beyond atrocious; it was UNACCEPTABLE!!! I forgave him, so I can have peace, and move on with my life without him.
Thank you for writing a phenomenal article, Cloris.
LaTrice, I appreciate your sharing your story. I’m sure you felt you did the right thing when you ended your friendship. Now you’ve opened the doors to great new friends to come into your life! All the best to you!
Thank you. I needed this today … very much. I appreciate your insight. You’ve been where I am right now.
Elizabeth, I’m so glad to hear this helped. Stay positive as you go through this change/challenge in your life. All the best to you!
I wake up thinking the fellow I was dating (and myself) gave up too easily on each other. The timing wasn’t great for me but realistically those stressors in my life won’t fully go away. I’m not sure if that’s what caused him to choose another woman or not. But I’m the only one who’s made any effort to communicate since we parted ways. It feels wrong still, like an unfinished sentence.
Linda, thank you for sharing your story. You’ve done your best, so if he’s not interested in communicating, it might be best to move on. But only you know what you need to do to be happy. Wishing you the very best!
Moving on is probably for the best. It takes two, as they say.
Thanks for the article! I spent years not giving up on a person with addiction, because I felt there was something noble about not giving up on them. In the end, it just made the problem worse since they felt bad about their addiction ruining the lives of two people, not just their own.
I’m glad to hear you found the article helpful. Good to know you’ve moved on…It’s hard to do, but necessary.
Is it time to give up? I have been battling with a particular career path for some years now (7 to be precise), the idea of having to do it for the next twenty years turns my stomach. I find it hard to comprehend and struggle with some of the basic tasks. I feel like an idiot when my manager stands beside me and explains the task umpteen times but I still don’t see the logic and continually make mistakes in my work. I’ve been with this company for over two years and still cannot perform basic tasks, I always need a mentor to show me how to do something. I know I have a love of teaching and would really like to do that; it brings out my passion… why do I continue to beat myself up with my day-job? Is it time to call it a day and move into doing what I love?
I am one of those people who are hopelessly optimistic. I keep trying and keep hoping that my next effort will be fruitful. I really like how you said if you are the only person working towards it and the other person is not reciprocating your efforts, then it is a sign that it’s time to give up. I wish I had this tiny bit of knowledge 3 days ago, then I would have saved myself from the embarrassment of being turned down. I asked him out because in my mind it was better to try and regret than not to try until I was sure. The truth was I was trying for a long time and he was not trying at all. He had already given up. I should have given up and not bring myself to the point of trying until I exhausted the very last option. I just hope I remember the lessons learnt when it is time to give up next time.
Karen, thank you for your comment. Nothing to regret. Now you know what doesn’t work and what you don’t want. Now you’re prepared to face similar circumstances in the future. Wishing you all the best!
Makhtar, I just saw this. Not sure what your current career situation is, but you can always make a decision to leave and then figure out what you need to do to make it happen. it’s not about quitting in a rush. It’s about advancing every day toward the final goal: to finally leave your job and do what you love. Sending you my best!
Within the past two weeks, my body has been shutting down, it has been in so much pain, that even with the strongest of pain meds, nothing takes the pain away. My body is in overdrive, and at times slowing down and speeding up almost out of control. Thoughts of dying very soon have flooded my mind, and I cannot help it.
Do I want to give up, no I do not, but I can take no more, and I seriously doubt I’ll last much longer in this state of both body and mind.
I feel like I was given up on by someone who thought he was trying, but he neglected to explain what the problem was or what he was doing. He left abruptly a long term relationship with no explanation, and I was left adrift to try to figure out what went wrong. And it hurt me financially and emotionally, and I think I am still trying to recover from his decision he made 5 years ago. Whatever was he felt was wrong, I didn’t know about it. I didn’t get to know about how to fix it in a future relationships, he just ran away and cried every time I searched for answers.
He said that he gave up and he felt better so it must be what he needed to do. I think he was wrong to give up, because I don’t think you get to walk away without doing the work. I don’t think that just “feeling better” is a good enough reason. Of course, you will always feel better if you absolve yourself of a responsibility. But there are duties that aren’t always pleasant that need to be done. Like hiding a group of Jews from the Nazis, like taking care of refugees, like advocating for healthcare.
We could abandon our societies or people we claim to care about, but many people don’t do the hard work of learning to how to grow, to love and be honest. Sometimes releasing the demand for immediate relief is just as healthy as releasing something we cannot change. I just wish that we talked about moving on from people as a choice among choices, rather than the mystical “saving choice” we needed to make all along.
I have always been advised to walk away from my mother, but circumstances and life kept snapping me back. And there may be a point when I do cut ties from her, but of late, I have felt that the only way out is through. So I counted the cost, and I work at it. I am still happy, but things are harder than I would like. And I don’t think the cultural acceptance of divorce has increased anyone’s happiness more, because doing unpleasant things often is what makes life richer in the end. And so working at relationships, and kindness and against our own issues for the sake of creating happiness within ourselves — many people don’t do this first. They abandon people because they are unhappy, without knowing whether the issue is themselves or the other. We cause our own suffering by being firmly attached to our beliefs to what “should be” rather than “what is” and learning to adapt to “what is.”
I just wish my former significant other had made sure that he had done his best and explained things to me. He was unhappy, but I know he often made himself unhappy. And I’m not entirely sure he found what he was looking for just by setting himself free of me. :-/
I love my boy friend but he says he also love me.but he never made me feel thatbi mean anytin to him.he ignore my calls.and show no intrest when we r together.i tried to talk about this but he say i m unsecure but i know i am not.what should i do?
I’m late. But I’m going through a situation where I’m trying so hard to reunite with someone who’s given up on me. And I was so close, but I fucked it up. And now I’m doing everything I can to convince myself that I can still make it work. And it’s so hard. I don’t know what to do.
Gosh, I think you’re right, Clore. I’m going to go throw myself off that bridge now. Good bye cruel world who still name their kids antiquated names like Cloris!!!
Seriously, this is NOT a good way to be thinking. Of course, our goals can overshadow all else; of course we will wake up days thinking it’s not gonna happen; and yes, that makes us feel like chit along the way. But giving up because of these reactions? Not just yet.
Ending one’s quest to succeed; no matter where that quest may or “is supposed” to take you, the only reason to throw in the towel is when the reaching the goal becomes more than your existing “healthy” resources will allow. You’ve heard that expression: “don’t quit your day job.” That’s wise advice when spanning that pipe dream. So long as you can pay your bills, your little “side game” is able to continue until you either win, or you lose. That day of reckoning will come, too. And on that day, you will feel great no matter the outcome because you gave it everything you had. You did your best. Even if you don’t win, you will be proud you tried.
This is how to handle the pipe dreaming we all tend to do. Write your dream down, and begin learning all you can about how to make it a reality. Then devote 1 hour of your day to it. No more, no less. Your spouse and your boss will understand you being MIA for 60 minutes. And maybe, after a few of those hours have been spent, that pipe dream will become your new world.
Good luck, mankind.