“Our lives improve only when we take chances and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves.” ~Walter Anderson
I’m not actually interested in telling you if you’re with the right person. I’m interested in you discovering who you really are. If you’re not in the right relationship, you probably shouldn’t try so hard to make it “work.” Sometimes the right thing to do is walk away.
But the big gap here is in the knowing. The knowing if it’s right or not. The truth is that you don’t actually need somebody else to tell you what the truth is. In fact, that’s the last thing you need.
What you really need is to uncover your own truth so you can live according to it.
If you’re not sure if your partner is for you, then you’re living in your head. You’re ignoring your truth—the deep part of yourself that is screaming at you to leave or to stop fighting or to open your heart. Whatever your truth is, it’s inside you and it’s dying to be heard.
Relationships are tough. I totally get it. The songs of heartbreak tell the stories of our human weakness, and I’ve cried to many of them.
The deeper untold story is that we’ve lost ourselves. We don’t live in a world where we’re taught to look inward to resolve ourselves. We look outward to fulfill ourselves, a feat that leaves us defeated time after time.
I have discovered that when you live according to the deeper truth within yourself, you become happy in circumstances you never thought you would have been happy in.
Maybe you’re single or divorced or childless or on a new career path or living in a new town; you’re somewhere, and you thought you’d be somewhere else.
You thought that trying to control the outcome would result in your happiness. The irony is that the things we think are right for ourselves are often the things that are holding us back from discovering what is actually right for ourselves.
I once shared a depth of love with a man in a way I’d never experienced before. Circumstances beyond our control ended the relationship. We did a back and forth thing—a few times. Then we really let it go; we both believed it was over.
After months without words we reconnected and discovered that the profound love between us still remained. But there was a deeper truth we each recognized within ourselves. Even though we shared this beautiful connection, love, and respect for one another, we wanted different things.
I wanted to experience depths of intimacy that he didn’t feel capable of at that time. So we parted ways once again. Respectfully. Gracefully. With love. And it doesn’t mean it was easy. But it was right, and we weren’t confused about it because we both knew ourselves.
You see, the love that we’ve become accustomed to is not actually love. Our desire to possess another doesn’t come from love; it comes from fear. And that fear comes from a lack of confidence, a lack of self-love.
The desire to control things and manipulate them to satisfy our ideal outcome does not come from love. It comes from the fear of letting go, the fear that things aren’t going to turn out the way you want them to.
Maybe you’ve misinterpreted your fear for love. You give it to your other in desperation. It’s missing the genuine gift of heart, the fully embracing warmth of love that is timeless and boundless.
Love knows you do not own another, and rooted in this love you do not want another to ever be your possession. What you want for them is the greatest life offers up to us. You want for them to be whole, to feel love, to be honored by themselves.
True love wants movement. It wants to share and rejoice. It expresses diversely. We don’t all mesh in the same way. We’re not all for each other.
So how do you know if you’re with the right person? The answer is that you have to know yourself. Sorry, but this is the hard work of love.
It starts with you. This is your job: Know yourself. Be happy with yourself. Love yourself.
It’s not your job to give what you don’t have or to take on the impossible burden of fixing someone else.
When you lose yourself in another, when you confuse their problems for your own, when you deny another the freedom of pursuing their soul’s journey, you do a great disservice to two incredible human beings.
Only when you know yourself will you be able to know if someone else is right for you.
When you know what it feels like to be in tune with your core, your essence, your spirit, your whatever-you-want-to-call-it, your soul will scream out YES! or NO! when you’re with another person.
Your soul will respond ferociously.
It’s already screaming now.
The question is: Are you listening?
Couple silhouette via Shutterstock
About Michelle D'Avella
Michelle D’Avella is an author, Breathwork teacher and mentor. Her memoir, The Bright Side of a Broken Heart is available here. Download her FREE guide to heal your heart and follow her on Instagram for daily doses of inspiration.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Thanks Michelle, I loved reading this article.
In my life I found that your true love is your best friend. You don’t feel ashamed around them. You can be yourself. They bring out the best in you. They bring out the inner child within you. They help you expand your love energy.
A true relationship is fluid, it is dynamic, it is forever changing, it is never static. A true relationship is energy generating. A true relationship helps you activate your highest potential.
You know you are with the right person when he or she moves you into universal love. It’s not just about loving one person. You have to expand your love to everything you come into contact with. You know if you are with the right person when he or she encourages you to share your love with the world.
Just like a plant to grow, it needs sunlight, it needs water, it needs to be exposed to the elements.
Spot on. 🙂 I totally agree. Love is freedom, and it allows us to move forward. Fear is limiting and stagnant.
Wow! One of the most helpful articles I’ve seen on this subject. Thank you, really needed this.
You’re very welcome. Glad it hit the spot. 🙂
Beautiful article Michelle, this really resonates with me! I’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 months and I care very much for him and he cares for me too. But, I can not say ” I Love You” and mean it fully until I leattn to have pure love for myself (as you said) and I believe if I did say it it would be my fear of being alone that would be saying it, not my heart. We have a long way to go, but isn’t that the beauty of self-discovery and love? 🙂 thank you for your article!
Beautiful post!
Thank you, Louise!
It is the beauty of self-discovery and love. 🙂 Very glad to hear you’re allowing yourself to be where you’re at and look within. Wishing you well on your journey. 🙂
Great piece! 😉
Thank you!
Thank you so much for this amazing article. You have no idea what just happened to me, it’s been about a year since my last break up and I would say that it hasn’t been my favorite year, I’ve been very devistated lately crying and you know doing all that, I loved him, and still do very much, now i know why he broke up with me, I totally lost myself in the relationship, and I unknowingly became so insecure and clingy and mind you he is a med student and that’s the last thing he needed, but again my insecreties kept me blind, and so I feel like he did the right thing for himsand so he broke up with me…..one year later, I’m still trying to release that “fear” even though I already lost him lol, at the end of the day he was an amazing guy who knew what he wanted and I feel like if I wasn’t very clingy and if I just loved myself we would have been an amazing couple…but reading your article confirmed SoOoOo many things, and I’m just starting to love myself and know myself worth I have to form an emotional relationship with myself before I can do it with anyone else. Thank you once again:)
Amazing article.
Thanks, Sandy. 🙂
So sorry to hear about your difficult year. I’ve been there myself. One thing I would recommend is to reflect back on yourself instead of on your ex. Instead of thinking, “I was clingy and pushed HIM away.” consider, “How did me being needy make ME feel? How did me being clingy not make me my best self?” The point is that we can’t truly love ourselves because we want to be loved. We have to love ourselves for the sake of it, because it feels good, because we want to be happy. Just remember to have compassion for yourself along the way. 🙂 I’m so glad you’re discovering this for yourself. Thanks so much for reading and commenting.
I am sorry to be the negative one here but this article could not resonate with me. I was in a relationship with a man and I loved him. Our relationship ended when I left. (Nutshell version: there was a lot of domestic violence in the relationship, I needed to be safe). Your article really only talks about a mutual, friendly split. Sure you can say DV is a clear sign to leave and he isn’t right for me. But the conflict goes deeper than that line of thinking.
I felt this article was a bit too superficial. It dealt with surface issues, there was nothing deep here. I often read these articles because they are written by professionals in the mental health/care field. I was excited when I saw this article and thought “Wow! I can learn from this.”. Then to read an article as shallow as this was very disheartening. I was in a very abusive relationship, not all relationships are abusive but people are complicated. So how would someone go about finding that ” right” person. To just say “love yourself” is the Disney princess version of relationship advice. There is more to it than that.
While loving yourself may sound simple it’s actually very, very difficult work. Everyone has some type of trauma they are hiding from and to face that takes an immense amount of courage that not everyone is ready for. Any type of abuse in a relationship is an indication of lack of self-worth which is a symptom of lack of self love. So, yes, the conflict goes deeper than violence as an indicator, and it points to lack of self love.
It’s easy to look for someone else to tell you the answers. But the truth, from my experience, is that you have the answers within yourself. When you’re willing to see the truth it’s there loud and clear. It is that simple, and that’s the point of the article.
Whatever your path, I hope you find what’s right for you.
this article was pretty darn awesome. happy 2015!!! relationships are hard. but the intuition knows exactly what is right for you even when you disagree with it for being right.
Thanks, Tasha! Happy 2015 to you!
this resonates with me as I have reached the same point in a relationship, to go our separate ways but remain friends, something he finds beyond him and is currently hiding from me; the majority of people I meet seem to be channeled to believe commitment means being trapped somehow, but I don’t see close relationships this way
This was a true a-ha moment for me!
Amazing article! Thank you.
I have been in two different abusive relationships. I left the first one started working on my self worth and love. And becuase of fear I now see that I went right back to same type of relationship (not purposly) but because I lacked the confidence to know my worth and lack of self love. I have just started my healing journey and an abuser can not love anyone else because they have no ideea how to love them selfs. they are stuck in their own insecurities and untill they realize their worth and love themselves truly, they will contiue to hurt others to make themselves feel better.
I read something very similar on the website, The Indie Chicks! It’s definitely special to find someone who you care about, and when you know, you know! When you’ve found someone who you can consider your best friend, they are definitely a keeper!
Bravo! What a great article – and the ending comes like a thunderclap, a crash in the silence, a kriya! I especially love where you say:
“So how do you know if you’re with the right person? The answer is that you have to know yourself.”
And you conclude, rightly, too, by adding, “When you know what it feels like to be in tune with your core, your essence, your spirit, yourwhatever-you-want-to-call-it, your soul will scream out YES! or NO! when you’re with another person. Your soul will respond ferociously. It’s already screaming now. The question is: are you listening?”
I would caution to add for other women reading your article, do not be hesitant to listen to your soul EVEN WHEN IT CHANGES ITS MIND. Sometimes, the soul will scream YES! in order to lead you into a lesson. Relationships are often lessons. To make sure you “take the class”, your soul will, when it recognizes your lab partner for that class, scream YES! to make you sign up and show up on Monday for it.
Ladies: BE WILLING TO ALSO LISTEN TO YOUR SOUL WHEN IT CHANGES ITS MIND AND SUDDENLY SCREAMS NO! THAT COMES AFTER THAT CLASS HAS ENDED.
I am living this now. My class with a rather painful lab partner has finally ended and I hear my soul saying NO loud and clear.
For my own sake, this time: I’m leaving him.
As a former law student I’d like to offer you this: “Clingy” is a judgment and is very subjective-sounding. Turn it around. Were you truly “clingy”?
Or was this a person made uncomfortable by seeing and hearing another human being in this lonely world of billions starting to care for and depend on him openly? If so, that was his problem. Other men – particularly those widowed or divorced who then realize how valuable women are at last – would likely welcome that love and care. This one seems to think it’s in high supply and he can attract it any time he likes. I’ve got news for him: not when you treat a thing with contempt you can’t. He’ll learn this. Hopefully, away from you.
Before becoming judge and jury against yourself, don’t forget to take a few moments to at least briefly play defense attorney… cross-examine the man and the situation before instantly, always, immediately sentencing yourself.
Just Saying, I would like to read such an article. Instead of criticizing Ms. D’Avella’s, why not take this perception of something being missing from her article as a cue from the Universe to step forward and write your own? Tiny Buddha seems very open to well-written article submissions.
I liked this article very much and see nothing missing from it, but then that’s me. However, you raise an interesting point that to me sounds like a hint for a related but different article. You’ve been through domestic violence at close range. Why not use that horrible experience to light the way to other women also going through it?
Had other women done the same during the 1970’s and 1980’s, my mother would not be dead of abuse today in 2014, and my relationships with males would not be as toxic, cursed and useless. There is an audience that needs what you’re suggesting.
GO WRITE IT. SUBMIT IT.
ah-ha moment, thank you.