TRIGGER WARNING: This post references suicidal thoughts and may be triggering to some people.
Since my first post on Tiny Buddha entitled “Why I Didn’t Kill Myself and Why You Shouldn’t Either,” I’ve been doing amazingly well. I thought I had this suicide stuff in the bag. I thought it lived in the past. I thought it was no longer a part of me.
I thought I had found my way forward and that I would never feel that way again. I thought my suicidal ideation was a historical part of my existence.
I was wrong.
Tonight, I sat in the bath watching the water trickle down from the faucet and all I could think was how easy it would be to watch the blood trickle down my arms into the water instead.
I thought of how easy it would be to drift away into nothingness. I thought of how easy it would be to not have to get up every morning to face another day of emptiness. I thought of the peace I would have if I were no longer afraid all the time and how wonderful it would be to be free from the prison of my mind.
Sometimes, I long for this.
Sometimes, I long for death.
I do not long for death itself, being cold and distant and immovable.
But I sometimes long for something other than what I am. I long for a feeling of safety and security. I long to feel loved and cherished, not used and abused.
I long to feel anything that is something more than the nothing I feel right now.
What Do You Want?
I know what you want. I want it too. You want someone to love you, someone to care, someone to tell you everything will be okay.
You want someone to tell you that even if you aren’t perfect, you’re enough just as you are.
You want your parents to put your needs ahead of their own, because that’s what loving parents do. You want those adults who abused you to think twice before they steal your innocence and your ability to feel.
What you want is for the past to never have existed, and what you want is impossible.
I know what you want.
You want someone to care, and it seems as if there is no amount of caring that will fill the empty hole in your heart, and no matter how hard you try to fill it up yourself it only goes halfway and then starts slipping back to empty.
Every day is a struggle to survive. Every day you wake up and wonder, “How much longer can I go on?”
The emptiness that fills your heart and your soul begins to take over your rationality.
At some point the things that kept you going have become meaningless. The life you have lived for so many years was just a struggle to survive.
Today you are at a point where nothing means anything. You aren’t even in pain. You feel nothing. You want to give up. You want to no longer exist. You want to stop being.
The endless negative thoughts swirl around in your brain compelling you to end everything. The hope for the future subsides to a dulling ache keeping you going every day.
You stare at the television knowing you are wasting your life, but are incapable to get off the couch and get outside.
Yet, you keep going. Why is this?
Why You Shouldn’t Give Up
I don’t know why I don’t give up sometimes. Most days I want to give up. But the human spirit is powerful. The desire to live is a strongly held need that keeps you in this world.
There is only one reason I don’t give up.
There is only one reason I don’t spend all my money, write out my will, and deliberately plan my death.
There is only one belief that sits in the back of my mind that keeps me going day after day.
What is that belief you ask?
Hope.
There is always something that I hope for. I hope for change. I hope for strength. I hope for love. I hope for caring. I hope that things won’t always be as they have been.
Hope, my friends, is the only thing keeping me, and probably you, alive.
What does hope mean? To me hope means not giving up. It means constantly seeking a new way. It means looking deep inside to find what exactly it is that seems lacking.
What About Now?
I can’t promise you things will change tomorrow.
I can’t promise you that your self-serving parents will suddenly see the light and give you what you need.
I can’t promise you that you will stop choosing the wrong partner or that magically things will be better.
There are so many days when I believe that all is lost and want to give up, and I don’t know why I feel this way. I feel stupid for not being happy for what I have.
I want to be enough.
I want to feel enough.
I want to thrive, not just survive.
So, for now I make it through the day. For now, I do the best I can do. I wake up every day and realize I need to change something and I realize that at some point it will change.
That, my friend, is enough. Believing that something will change is sometimes enough.
Because, “This too shall pass.”
Because There Is Always Tomorrow
How do I know “this too shall pass”? I know because feelings and circumstances always change. Change is the nature of life.
The day after I wrote this and while I was going through the editing process I called my doctor to see if maybe it’s time to get back on some medication. I was feeling despondent and knew something needed to change. Of course, they couldn’t get me in for another month.
So, where could I go? What else could I do? My answer to myself: search Google, of course. I started looking up a bunch of topics that I needed to work on that were related to relationships, love, and happiness.
I came across a relationship coach who seemed to get exactly what it was that I needed at the moment. I watched a series of videos. Although I had heard all the things he spoke of before, for some reason everything resonated more deeply than usual.
I needed someone who would not just tell me that I am enough (intellectually I know this) but would give me the tools to help me believe that I am enough and keep me from falling back into the abyss of negative thinking that I tend to fall into.
When we are ready to hear, the message comes.
I booked a session with him and when we spoke everything became clear. I finally grasped the complex nature of how one can go through life without loving and accepting one’s self and how your fears can limit your existence.
You may not realize it, but you may actually fear being happy and you may keep thinking negative thoughts as a means to protect yourself. I realized that I had to stop my negative thinking and that no one can make me feel whole and loved and valued if I don’t truly love and value myself.
I realized I am still looking for someone to save me or for someone to validate me so I can feel whole, and guess what? It stops today.
I just decided. I decided that it was time to show up for myself fully and completely and stop delegating away my needs for others to fill like an empty vessel.
If you don’t give up hope and keep looking for help and reaching out to others, you will eventually find the people, tools, and resources that you need to heal.
I do it over and over and I’ll do it again. If I can do it, so can you.
About Carrie L. Burns
Carrie L. Burns is a blogger on a mission of self-discovery. As a sexual abuse survivor that struggled for years with depression anxiety, low self-esteem, lack of self-love, and relationship issues, she found her purpose through writing and sharing her story with others. Check out her other writing at www.acinglife.com.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
This is why I learned never to give up because If I did, that meant I failed my mission
Ya gotta keep going. Definitely keep moving towards your mission!
Hi Carrie! Can you check out my book Find the Beauty in Your Now? I share my story of how I overcame suicidal thoughts and self-hatred.
wow that is exactly what my instagram post was about today. You should check it out my username is bthatwoman
Wow. Just…wow.
Carrie your bravery and strength have given me hope. I was just writing in my journal the other night (after another bought of criticising self talk) that I just shouldn’t hope anymore. I wrote it over and over again. Don’t hope. Hoping just leads to disappointment. But after reading your article (timely as ever Tiny Buddha! How do you always know?!) I know that if I don’t find my hope again, it will start to lead me down a very dark path that I may not find my way back from. So I’m going to go back to my journal, rip out those pages and start writing about hope again!
Thank you!!!
You are so welcome Melanie! Some days are easier than others, but I’m learning that critical self talk is DOOM to the soul. Not always easy to switch out of, but can be cone with practice (baby steps).
That is exactly how I feel. However, as much as I have been struggling to find my reason to hold on, I have also realized that I am losing more and more hope every day. I got a new job, which is amazing. I have made many changes in my life that needed to be done. I’ve read and read and watched so many things and yet I still don’t see or understand the specialness of life. When there are things in my life that are great I know I should feel that, I know they should make me happy and that they should help fill me… but they don’t. I’m thankful for them, I’m glad I have them, but at the end of the day none of the things have changed how I actually feel towards life. I try to have hope for new beginnings and changes, but it’s slipping away because even amazing changes don’t do anything for me. Even more, I’m just losing hope that I will ever love life or have that want/need to live.
Maybe there is no specialness and maybe that’s the problem. We are programmed to believe if we have the right house and car and spouse and kids and blah blah then life will be magical. But, maybe it isn’t. Maybe it’s struggle and pain and hope and love all intermingled?
I’m glad you found someone to talk to, Carrie. That’s very important. When I was at my worst point, I stumbled on an organization online called “The Samaritans”. I wrote about my depression, that I’d lost hope, that no one cared…and they wrote back. For several weeks, until I could find a regular therapist, they “held” my hand, coached me, supported me. What a wonderful group. For anyone at the end of their rope, I suggest you reach to them.
Thank you for the recommendation. Sometimes I think we need just ONE person who understands us or “gets” us so we don’t feel so alone.
Yes, it does help, Carrie.
Wonderful article…very inspiring…thank you Carrie!
Thank you!
Thanks for sharing Carrie! As usual, your writing resonated with me. You just came to mind yesterday ~ hoping all is well with you. Lets connect when you have a moment!
Thank you my friend 🙂
I just read your article and I felt a tinge of hope. I didn’t think that was a remote possibility today. Thank you for not giving up. This is a beautiful article
As long as we are alive there is always hope…even as trite and stupid as it sounds. I have been there more times than I can count. Thank YOU for reaching out!
Thank you for the article Carrie. I can really relate to it on many levels. One of the many reasons I wanted kill myself was because my brother drowned as a child. I often imagine what life would have been like with him as an adult. I find that a lot of my guy friends are younger guys who I tend to treat as little brothers. My mother has totally blocked it out of her mind. And now to the main reason I haven’t committed suicide is because of my mother. My therapist said that it would be very selfish of me. And that the worst thing for a mother to endure is the loss of a child, much less 2. Now, that being said… I don’t know what will happen when my mother passes away.
I’m so sorry Lynn. Why do you think you carry such guilt over it?
This was a great post. Thanks Carrie <3
So welcome!
Carrie, thank you so much for this article. After my wife of 30 years died five years ago, I became very depressed and wanted to join her in death. I had moments while driving of just how easy it would be to drive off a cliff or swerve just a bit into the path of an oncoming truck, overdose on meds, etc. I still find myself crying on almost a daily basis over the lost love I had – my lost soulmate. I couldn’t figure out just why I didn’t actually take my life. Your article is spot on. While alive there is still hope for a better tomorrow and for the memories of a lost love that I can keep with me always. Thanks.
I’m so sorry Dave. This must be a very painful and difficult period in your life.
Maybe ask yourself what she would want? My father died suddenly at 55 of a massive heart attack after 34 years of marriage. I KNOW he would never would have wanted my mother or us to stop living. I can only imagine the pain you are going through. Maybe you can find a way to honor her life to find some purpose? Hang in there.
Carrie – I can’t recall if I wrote you the first time, but it takes a lot of courage to put yourself out to the world like you have. You are doing amazing good for other people who struggle with suicidal thoughts due to ongoing mental battles. As a Certified Coach who also went through my own struggles, I’m glad you found an empathetic person to talk to. You are so far from alone in what you are sharing. One thing you mention is the elusive happiness. For some reason, many of us set our minds that we are supposed to be happy more than we are. Happiness, like sadness, is fleeting. Our lives are equally made up of both and everything in-between. This is something I talk to my clients about called being content in life. I work to give up labeling life with these terms, because inevitably they disappoint. A wise support person once told me that having a mental illness is like someone being an alcoholic. They never ever forget that at any time they may fail and take another drink. He said that, with mental illness (as with all illness really), you must be vigilant and aware that it is always around the corner and fight the good fight. I wish you all the best in all your battles forward. You are right that there is no promise for tomorrow. You only control today. And that must be good enough.
I think you are totally right. It may be that realizing life is everything…pain, happiness, sadness, struggle, ups and downs makes the downs tolerable. Thank you for the kind words!
I have found that, when I thiink of life as little stories with beginnings, middles, and endings, it is much easier to let go. For example, I was horribly abused by bullied daily from when I was 7-13. Of course, it affected me and the long-term effects of bullying (C-PTSD, which is all the mental issues that go with it) stayed with me and were my burden for 30 years. It all caught up with me eventually and I figured out how to let go, by letting that part of my life end. It wasn’t my whole story, just a small one and I let it consume me for 30 years (that’s a long time). So, I went through what we all end up going through and developed my coping mechanisms, of which my favorite is that life is made up of many journeys with beginnings, middles and endings and then you must let them go, not let them ruminate, but learn from them. I have now lived 7 years in mindful peace once I made that change. Just some food for thought. Letting go is both refreshing and positive and changed my whole perspective of life.
I wish I knew how to let go. If I hear one more person say to me “you need to let go and move on” I’m going to scream. I’m sorry, I don’t know how to let go of someone I love as much as i love my ex, even if he has let go and moved on—hell, he did that weeks after he broke up with me. I feel like he walked away from a terrible car accident unscathed, while I’m still being crushed under the weight of the car, dazed and cinfused, trying to figure out what happened. We loved each other. And then he found somebody he loved more. And I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact that a man who BEGGED me to love him and never leave him, walked away without looking back and now wants nothing to do with me, after having told me for years that I am the only woman for him, that if I left him he would be alone forever because he didn’t want any other woman, and that he would never leave me, that I am stuck with him wether I liked it or not—that it was us, together forever. That he loved and adored me and couldn’t stand being away from me. He’d call several times day, was massively jealous and in all told me over and over that he loved me. Two weeks after meeting her and two weeks before he broke up with me he told me loved me and we spent Valentines weekend together. Two weeks later he just loved me, but wasn’t in love with me, and he was dating her within a month.
I feel empty every second of the day, unless I’m choking on the knot of grief in my throat.
Hi Carrie, thank you for sharing and today I’m going through the same thing. I am 57 yrs. old and I’ve been at this self-discovery, healing thing since I was 21 yrs. old. I’ve read more self-help books than you could shake a stick at, been in and out of therapy for roughly 20 yrs., been a recovering alcoholic and addict since 1993. And I’m bipolar. I have some amazing days now mostly thanks to Eckhard Tolle and practicing living in the present moment – if you can get yourself there, no one can hurt you and you are o.k. – it is the best and most precious thing I’ve ever experienced and your inner child may pop out and say hello. Sometimes I have my bad days still but it’s typically because I get frustrated with people in my present for ex. neighbors (I live in an apartment) and they invited bedbugs by bringing in questionable furniture and those bugs had gravitated to my apartment. Very difficult thing when others aren’t doing their part or being responsible and it directly affects you. So after I’m done typing this I’ll probably go to youtube, look up Eckhard and get my medicine. Best of luck to you, I wish you may blessings, I know you’ll make it, but more than anything – I wish you love, joy, and peace NOW! Charlene
Thank you so much Charlene! Ekhart is amazing. I’ve been on the same path and sometimes it’s exhausting but sometimes it all seems worth it. I think we all have our karmic journey and we can only do the best we can do. Best of luck, love and joy to you as well!
Bedbugs was the third worst thing that has ever happened to me. I am allergic to them and every bite is excruciatingly painful. We did a heating treatment to get rid of them and you have to turn your house upside down to make it successful. We got them for a second time this past month. The irony is that this past year and a half I am going through the worst thing that has ever happened to me, which is my boyfriend, who i love dearly and who I thought loved me, left me for another woman. They are getting married in a month. The pain is so bad, that I made a list of the things I’d like to do before I die, in hopes to accomplish in two years, because I would not ask anyone to stay in the state of pain I am in eternaly. The fact that he loved me at all feels like a miracle, and the fact that he left me feels like my heart being crushed into razor sharp ribs. It mimics the second worst thing that ever happened to me—my parent’s divorce, which my ex leaving me brings back all that old pain (my father leaving physically, my mother emotionally).
The perfect woman my ex is now engaged to shows up in my dreams every night in order to remind me he chose her and not me (though we have never actually met). This man who once loved me so much makes me think I’ve lost the love of my life—which makes me the type of woman who can make a man who adores her stop loving her, or someone who is able to be completely fooled.
I cry for him every day and I absolutely HATE myself. I am fat and my ex didn’t care so much and I feel like I’ll never find another guy who will love me as I am. I don’t want to go through life being constantly rejected or all alone. Having known love, I can’t live without it.
I give my love and time readily to friends and family, I don’t want to hurt anyone, but I’m losing the ability that withstand the pain, which seems to get worse as time goes on, instead of better, which is what everyone told me. I have lost my laughter, my joy. Two years and I can still barely breathe through the darkness. He took my luck, my sunshine, and my hope when he left to be with her. They are so happy, so incredibly happy, and I feel violated, betrayed, lied to, and like I am a piece of garbage unworthy of life.
Excellent article Carrie!
For many, HOPE = Hold On Please Everyone.
Stay well.
Life sometimes takes you on ways which are untold and unexpected. Its like telling you that you have to enjoy the ups and downs of the roller coaster ride. Sure that, there will be times when you feel like giving up. Try to engage yourself in some things that you like….take stroll….spend some time with your loved ones.
Great article Carrie. Very raw and I’m sure it will give hope to many. Keep sharing your experiences and wisdom xx
I love your post. Indeed, I have felt like you recently for a few weeks now. I have been feeling really down, and it was a repetitive cycle of negativity. For whatever reason, I was unable to feel happy. But today, I am different. Today, I found a tiny bit of purpose in my life – purpose to live, purpose to smile.
I have successfully found mine, and is now planning my day religiously bringing myself a step closer to my purpose in life. I hope that others who are feeling miserable can try to bring themselves out from the abuse they give themselves, and the harmful words they say to themselves.
This is a lovely community for authors like you to share your empowering experiences and people like me to share my views.
Thank you for this wonderful post for being able to unearth my feelings so vulnerably like this.
May Buddha bless you!
xx
If people want to die, who are we to preach at them. They aren’t staying here for our amusement. If they want to install a sunroof in their skull that’s THEIR business. I have five friends and a cousin who have committed suicide , do I love them, yes I do but I ALSO knew their situations and do not blame them for what they did. Hell, if I wasn’t such a chicken sh!t I would’ve done it already myself.
Thank you for writing this. As a fellow survivor I have fought suicidal thoughts throughout my life but especially in the past year. I would never act on them but they get loud. The rawness of your description of what it can feel like is so helpful. I especially liked this:
I want to be enough.
I want to feel enough.
I want to thrive, not just survive.
Sometimes it feels like this punching battle between self and symptoms while life is pulling my hair and kicking my feet out from under me and I want to scream. And sometimes I do, alone in my car 🙂 And then, like you say, we grab onto hope and we just keep going. Again, thanks. Helpful to know we’re not slone in the feeling.
The cruel irony for me: I want to move on to what’s next, if anything, but I have two daughters. I don’t want to be here but I have to, based on all of the evidence I’ve read on the impact of parental suicide on children. So, while there are bits and pieces of joy, which is directly tied to them, I must endure for their sake. I’m not a friends person, so that is not the issue, and I am estranged from the rest of the family, which is for the best, so that too is not an issue. I’ve been on every med there is and have been in therapy off and on for nearly 30 years (group, individual, etc) so please spare the encouragements to “get help.” Just as there are physical malformations of living things, some of our brains are predisposed to this condition. It is what it is.
I took a bioethics class many years ago, and there was one lady who made it her mission to change my views on some things. You see, she believes (at least then) that in the case of end of life care, that people are playing God by turning off life support on folks who have little to no chance of recovery; whereas I say the opposite – providing artificial support delays the path and will of nature. She was of strong faith (and that is cool by me), but she had a consuming fear of death. To each their own.
I’m of average intelligence, so I am sure there are others out there who feel the same way I do, and I think its OK to acknowledge the thoughts and look at the whole picture. Suicide is sad, and hurtful (and in some cases devastating) to those left behind, but it is in some cases, wholly examined, it may be the right choice.
Thank you for saving my life tonight
At least they saved a life but another 1 slips away goodbye EVERY 1 pray i make it home 🗝♓😇
You are welcome Amanda. Thank you for still being here 🙂
Mine too. Help
For you younger people (barring unforseen incident) the expectation is that there is always tomorrow. Not so for some of us who are older and for whom there aren’t many tomorrows left, and no means at all in which to improve the current situation.
Very true Ethan.
What absolute crap!
Wake up! Make the most of every day! Regardless of your situation.
I disagree. I don’t think there are no means at all to improve your current situation. There is always a way, always a solution. You’re just not looking or trying hard enough.
While there is still a tomorrow – that is something! You are not here for nothing! You were not born for nothing.
Life is a gift.
Start tomorrow.
Start again.
sometimes, one has to know when to quit fighting
What crap!
Sorry Nick, I know you’re well intentioned and I would have said/thought the same as you until the age of 46. At 60 I know different.. Sometimes there are no solutions. Sometimes trying harder definitely doesn’t work. When you’re older you know that all the ‘right’ thought, speech, action etc achieves nothing.
We are all here for nothing. Nobody asked to be born and nobody belongs anywhere. Life may be a gift, but it’s not a gift everyone necessarily wants.
Thank You
I too want to give up. I know i cant til my daughter is grown. Im tired, alone, lost.
I can relate to e everything u just said. I keep putti g myself in messed up situations because of hope. I feel like hope is good but it is also bad because my hope of someone taking care of me is a lost cause. I need to learn to lovee myself enough to stay out of toxic relationships and friendships.
“circumstances always change. Change is the nature of life.” Except it’s not, for many things. Generational poverty, for instance. How is a person living the most horrifying level of quality of life possible – hungry, covered in bugs, always afraid of being bitten by disease-bearing rats or hit by a stray bullet, cold in the winter, etc – supposed to keep going when they know with certainty that this is going to be their daily reality for their entire life? ‘Hope’ is a banal and meaningless term when it comes up against the reality that for some people, there is literally zero chance that their circumstances can change.
Just noticed this post was of 3 years ago. Hope you are better now.
I have no hope left just what makes me keep alive is my bad luck. I’ve read on all the ways of suicide and none of them is 100% effective. Specially this most done ones like meds, wrist cut, self hang. There is a huge chance I will only be disabled and that’s it.
I have two amazing kids, (5 and 11) they love me, I have a husband that loves me to much but I don’t love him back at all and I can’t stop feeling guilty for this. Everyone in my family makes sure I don’t stop feeling guilty of not loving my husband, nad how terrible mother I am for wanting to break the family out of selfishness only.
I’m already on antidepressants, done many therapies, changed meds many times. I really, REALLY don’t want to live anymore. I think I will do everyone a great favor by dieing and I don’t know which would be the greatest selfish act to live or to die. I wanted to sleep and wake up a different person or never wake up. I hate myself god level and I can’t forgive me for my mistakes and I don’t want to either. I don’t want to try anymore.
“instead of being suicidal, don’t be!” Wow, can you not see how useless that is?
Stop this parent bashing. Adult children are at times selfish and self centered. Stop blaming parents for shortfalls.
When I was younger I told myself the biggest lie ever which kept me alive to this day. "Someone will want you." I believed it for decades until at last I found someone after 20+ years…. I did my best to hide my negative feelings about things cause I was trying my best to change… then she left me… I can't say anything bad about her but it taught me a lesson….. people like me don't deserve happiness… I just deserve to be empty or sad lol it's actually kinds funny when I type it out. Currently my reason for living is that I believe God made a deal with someone on how long I make it before I kill myself and I want whoever bet thst to lose just to say I won at something
The government set me up, and coerced me to do something. Turns out it was a federal crime. I wanted to plead innocent, but was advised that unless I had a lot of money to fight the feds, I would lose. My lawyer said it was minor, and I would probably get probation. So I listened, and took a plea bargain. On sentencing day, I was given 1 year in jail, 2 years of probation, and had to pay a large fine. Not to mention my name on the front page of the newspaper and on social media.
Humiliation for me and my family. It has destroyed my life. Many friends disappeared. Every year, a few more distance themselves. I am broke. It has affected
my wife and kids. I am miserable. After jail, coming home was worse. Cant pay your bills and cant get a job. People look at me different. Went from a successful professional to being homeless. I want to disappear. The only thing that keeps me from killing myself is the few family members that have struggled with me. It has been 10 years, and I think the pain will never end… Have tried everything and it all has not worked. I am labeled forever with no escape….
Ive been asking this question allot now since I am older, why am I bothering to stick around, is it for others?…why…why am I here still? Is it merely for obligation that I dont want to cause any pain to anyone in my life because I really dont want to be here anymore. Why do I feel obligated to not hurt those I love? Life has got harder not easier in my old age. It makes me feel like damn..I should have got out while the getting was good…..I would have never stuck around for what I am experiencing now.
The only thing keeping me alive is if I don’t finish the job correctly….will I be worse off.
So 58, widowed,my youngest just finished college. I have lots of debt ignored during my wife's illness and the bill is now due (student loans), no 401K, etc. Sure, I could fight the fight but really, I miss my wife and know our golden years will never happen. I'll be moving on, so to speak, Im not depressed, my girl friend didn't dump me, the law isn't after me, mommy and daddy didnt kick me out, etc. I'm just tired, the day was long and it's time to rest. There, I got it off my chest.
I know nobody will see this. I know I may get ridicule for posting this, so let me just do that for you. Hey, Stupid, this is an old post. Nobody is going to see your comment. Fine, I'm posting the comment anyway because what I typed into the search bar was "I'm giving up on everything."
I'm sixty years old. My parents are dead. There isn't any fixing things with them.
I have a 35-year-old son whom I love more than anything in the Universe. He's high-functioning autistic. I worry what will happen to him if I end things, but I'm in so much pain both physically and psychologically.
I'm a loser who has never succeeded at anything. Feeling hope at my age is just stupid. There is no amazing triumph around the corner for me. My only hope is I'll muster up the courage to end this joke of an existense. All I've ever been is the Universe's punching bag. For me there will be no great love, no great success, nothing but further decline and sadness.
I'm late to the party, as usual.
I'm 73. I'm in physical and mental pain.
I am putting together plans to end it.
It’s all well and good to say “this too shall pass,” but sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes years go by — sometimes an entire lifetime — and that good stuff that’s always just around the corner never appears. How long are you supposed to wait? Because I can’t escape the feeling that I’m going to look back in my 80s or 90s and realize, “Welp, that was all a depressing waste.”
i know. i am just done. i am not some teenager with angst, i am a middle aged person without any hope, was it there to hope for? a job? i have one. a house, i have one. money, got it. i dont want to spend 40 more years going through the motions. i am exhausted. i go to work, come home, eat and go to bed by 5. i repeat this day after day except on the weekends when i stay in bed all day. why do i have to keep doing this? why cant i give up?
I think a lot of this feel the same. I actually read a post yesterday that people in their forties are the most depressed, but that it gets better as you age. Here’s to hoping!
It did not get better for me – I am 62, it’s been a downward struggle.
I pray that this will not happen to my son, as he is only 37 – I can’t stand to think of him suffering like I have. Please, God, stop all the suffering !!!
I’m 47 and have hit about as low as I can get. After meds, and several therapists, I don’t see things getting better. I can’t kill myself until the kids are out of college, but have been doing some long term planning as to when I can finally make the pain (and embarrassment of being a failure) go away.
I have very bad days after losing a close one, but have suffered depression most of my life. I have also had strange experiences and to me everything is bizarre, a miracle. Our bodies, intelligence are incredible. It’s just that I am very alone and always felt alone. I have never felt understood. Always left out. I wish for all beautiful things for you and others. You have a beautiful light within you, reach out and ask for help from the universe. It saddens me that there is so much suffering, pain. That in itself stops me thinking of my misfortunes. I am not a Buddhist. This world is a dark harbour that is wired to kill and destroy. And I constantly ask why. But love is all there is and all that matters. Never give up on you. My good wishes to you all.
I have thought the same. I have took meds and I have talked to people and there is no hope. I want to get better, but idk how and nothing is helping. I have always thought that the only way is the way out. I have kids as well and they are young. That has been the ONLY thing that has kept me going for as long as I have and I’m in my late 20s. I think about yea this depression sucks and what I’m going through doesn’t give me a break. I feel like I’m down more than I am up and I can’t deal with the stressors that life is throwing my way. I think about my kids and how I don’t want to cause them the same pain that I am feeling. I don’t want them to think that they weren’t worth living for. I want them to know that everyday I wake up, I do it for them. I believe that you shouldn’t go the easy way out that would seem to be the best way out. I believe that you need to be there for your kids because they need you.
Don’t do it. Just don’t do it. Think about your kids. How would they feel if they are so happy that they went to college, but then find out that their father had just killed themself? No. Don’t do it.
Sorry but I am 61 and have been through much more. Dont give up until you are in my position. You don’t deserve such self hate. Live for your pet’s or thoughts and remember that i am always more hopeless than anyone on earth. Please stay hopeful and show a miserable wretch like me that hope can help one out of the pit of despair
Aww I am going to say a prayer for you. You are probably a really nice person and you my be the only one that hasn’t noticed it yet. Take care I care about you . I don’t have to know to care about you.
Same. Only a few more years. I’m just tired of being tired and in chronic pain. Surgeries haven’t fixed shit. Nothing makes me happy except a few moments throughout the day. It usually is when I’m with my amazing daughter. She’s the only person I’m worried about if I do go.
I have a few suggestions that keep me going: serving others, opening my mind to possibilities and not letting the prison of my mind keep me locked up. I find beauty and healing in nature, in small things and in prayer. By the way, I’m 47 years old and I do feel this unbelievable pain in living sometimes. But I’ve also seen the sweetest moments of joy. Maybe hold on for that?
I wish I had all those things. I’ve tried so many things and can’t find employment. Look daily. Exhausting. Middle aged living with parents no boyfriend/husband, unreliable transportation yet not enough money to change. Every day is a new day I guess.,
How are you feeling now .. reading through the comments & wondering if others ever loose this feeling
What if you don’t have a house, job, car, people, and years of putting everything and every part of you into other people then ..only to find you are stood alone and no one is there for you… you hang around social media to be ignored, you leave the social media and no one even notices …. what if life is just not external that the internal is wasting away just to be loved or waiting for someone to say HI you ok
Some sages see having no hope as a good place to be. Hope is a desire for a different experience that isn’t now, but in an imagined future. Reality is now. Not acting on these phenomena and figments of our imaginations may be the way of the Buddha. Hope is a promise. This reality is the present, the gift of experiencing nowness in bodymind, in timespace… Hope is for the ego. Reality is for the vastness of nonbeing through being, selflessly. On another note, in my human form, thoughts and feelings of suicide often manifest in this mindbody. It’s often triggered by the reincarnation of past trauma, past lives imprinted with overwhelming pain, fear, grief, sadness, terror, loss, violation, lack of understanding… all the different facets of trauma, conscious or unconscious. May all being experience happiness, often, may all beings experience peace, often, may all beings experience full liberation.
I totally, completely and utterly get this comment, Jon. Not quite sure what’s to be done, but I resonated with your words.
Every state passes Jon-Maybe we need to stop looking so hard? Maybe we expect too much? Maybe the world isn’t all they promised us. Maybe some of us will struggle more than others and that’s just the way it is. What do you define as “Good Stuff”?
Happiness? I dunno. Maybe just not being in pain. Not being afraid. Life having some kind of meaning instead of being just a series of tasks to be completed. Finding joy. Finding passion. Being able to feel anything, frankly. Forty years of looking, and not only have I not found what I’m looking for, I’m not even sure I know what it is. Now I am approaching fifty, alone in the world, still a “relationship virgin,” as they say. Never even been on a date. Never really lived at all, just existed. And now it feels not only too late in the game, but pointless. I gave up on myself a long time ago. Now it’s just killing time and waiting to die.
Dear Jon, I am so sad to read your post, because my son, 37, is also a relationship virgin and I cry myself to sleep at night thinking about how he will never find a companion. Prayers and hugs to you.
Yes, I understand. Iam 64 trying to survive, and trying to understand why I cant’t have a happy life, pay my bills be loved. all my kids are grown, it’s just me. I have to work but bills are still not paid every month something is cut off. Iam a good person I help peipeo, but I still get the bad end of the stick. Iam tired no more fight in me.
Sounds exactly like me
Hi
I hope your doing better then you was .. wondering if anyone has seen the light at the end of the tunnel ..
are u by any chance a school teacher?
why will one want to cling on to a tearful life ? i can’t think of a single reason to do so .
one should continue till there is reasonable hope of turning things around .
and give up after that . this life is not that worthy that one would want to torture yourself till natural death.
why is life so hard some days i can breath but some days im suffacting i get bullied but when i stand up my parents let me down telling me be nice to the people who bully you thats what ive been doing i smile but my eyes tell a whole new story they say that eyes are a window to your soul and heart my smile is fake to cover up the endless nights of tears and the hurt i inflict upon myself the void inside my eyes and heart some days i wake up and think why im still living why i can’t end all the pain its so easy to fase away i cant imagine anything worse then being let down again and again and again some days i pick up a knife then put it back down becuase of all the burden on me the burden of my future the burden of my family and what will happen if i do it people say ignore it but the heart can only take so much i act like it doesnt effect me in the outside but inside is a whole new story im broken again and again to the point that i cant mend myself why is it so hard to live my brother used to be the only person who would make me smile now that he is dead it feels as if it made my life more meaningless my parents say that im a dishoner to them is it true that there is no one in this world who really truly cares about me im not asking for impossible im asking for love care support some one to hug me and say don’t give up everything will be ok some one i can lean on i can depend on some one who i can trust is that to much to ask why does it hurt so much
As a grownup who was bullied as a kid, and as a mom whose own child was also bullied, I’d say this: Take matters into your own hands. Your parents will always love you, but sometimes we/they don’t understand the torture it is to be bullied all day at school. I’m not telling you to beat the %^&* out of the other kids, but I was raised to “turn the other cheek” and thus I encouraged my daughter to try to rationalize it in her head that the other kids are “jealous” or “uncompassionate”. Frankly, I think you should bravely stand up for yourself – without parents or teachers – and set the worst of the bullies in his/her place. Knock down (figuratively) the worst kid and the rest will scatter. I’ve heard it’s similar in prisons! Teenagers are more cruel than criminals. Good luck, kid.
It seems like I’ve spent most of my life since I was 11 circling around the drain. I have had a few glorious accomplishments, some happy moments, things I am really proud of having done. But for the most part, I’m with @disqus_PRLoOrUJMp:disqus and @soverit because life seems incredibly mundane and things DON’T actually get better – they just seem to wiggle between “tolerable” and “intolerable.” I mean, yeah, tomorrow there will be another sunrise and I’ll see a flower or a cloud or a tree or something; I’ll be nice to someone and someone will be nice to me. But frankly, I expected more from myself and more from life, but now at middle age, I severely lack the energy to set goals and pursue. Alas! I consider myself a Buddhist; I meditate; I read “worthy” books. And still, the feeling follows me everywhere. Like @Soverit said, “…more years going through the motions. I am exhausted…”
It really is a bleak feeling, isn’t it? And most of the advice you get centers on setting some goal, trying to accomplish something, etc., which to me is almost stupefyingly useless. I have plenty of stuff to do; I’m not looking for more. When nothing is rewarding every activity becomes just another tedious task to complete. I’m not interested in being a productive member of society. I’m not OPPOSED to the idea, it is simply not a motivating factor for me. I once found an old report card of mine from second grade. In the comments section one teacher wrote, “[he] does the minimum amount of work necessary to go back to what he wants to be doing.” The only thing that has changed is that now there is nothing I want to be doing. I’m just completing tasks and waiting to die.
Forget goals…if you have the money, go on a trip! There are a ton of meet ups and single cruises, or just head to Fiji for the week, or go an a tour of Italy. The money means you can go anywhere.
At the very least, write a bucket list, and accomplish that first. I mean, ride an elephant in Thailand, learn to fly a plane, take horseback riding lessons, or French cooking classes, or pottery, or go sailing in the Mediterranean. Shake it up a little. Your palette has become numb. Take yourself to a place that has an open market in a foreign land. Visit a world wonder. Don’t want to do it alone? Pay for a friend to go with you. If you don’t have a friend, take a relative, or some older person you know who could use an all paid trip to an experience of a lifetime.
Or go with a pet. The money and no responsibilities actually means that you have options where so many people with no money, run down by all the people depending on them, don’t.
Hi my name is Lina and I so get what John and others are saying. I have a job a home money but I still go home after work eat and go to bed. I feel like I am wasting away. I have been to therapy take medicine but everyday is
a damm struggle. I just want to go away and be at peace. I have tried for 20 years to see if that thing called hope will appear and it doesn’t. I have tried to talk to friends they don’t care what you have to say. And then they stop calling.
I’m sorry your friends don’t listen Lina. Most people aren’t comfortable understanding or discussing real pain and emotions. Maybe life isn’t this magical, mystical experience. Or, maybe we need to reframe everything. Who knows. I only know I keep trying SOMETHING. Anything!
Hello everyone, thank you for sharing your hearts in such a sincere way. So many of us long for life to end..I don’t have any words of wisdom to make things better. For me, the end always feels appealing at night,before I fall asleep, but the next day I just carry on and try to do something enjoyable, like drinking a nice cup of coffee,smell the roses outside, feel the warmth of the sun and it helps. Keep it simple, love yourself. Good luck.
It sounds lame, but everything I have read lately indicates that happiness CAN be learned. Its like a muscle you have to build. Worth trying anyway.
Found this post tonite. Thanks Carrie. Does hope indeed spring eternal? Supposedly.
I share the same feelings of pain and emptiness as the other writers. For the last six years my life has been a slow death spiral and now I am circling the drain (as another writer wrote) peering into the abyss. It started with an executive job loss (a lingering casualty of the Great Recession) and with it, a significant part of my essence. I know, one shouldn’t be defined by one’s career/profession. But so it goes. I did. And losing that position cost me friends, family, credibility and self-esteem. And despite all the effort, intent, counseling, praying etc, I haven’t been able to get much of it back. Hope was once that lifeline that rescued me and got me to keep moving forward. I fear now that hope is nothing more than a clever narcotic; initially sweet and plentiful but eventually exhausting and self-destructive. I am now at the point where I am haunted by memories of the “good life” of my past and have to retreat into alcohol and drugs to cope with the bleakness of my present. My future goes no further than the next sunset.
“Haunted by the memories of the “good life” of my past”
I have that too except my life wasn’t all that great. I’m frightened that as I get older, my health declines and I become poorer, these horrible days of darkness I am living through will become the good old days 😞
Looking at Fall of 2033
Do you mind my asking what it is that makes you want to give up? By the way, I’m 47 and yes, I’ve had my fair share of suicidal thoughts. It’s 2:21 am and I’m working through a heartbreak. So here I am with a case of insomnia, trying to work through the pain. But like he said above, I do hold onto hope. Because I do see good things come to pass. When I get so down that I want to take my life, I find a way of serving others. It helps me get out of my own head.
Hope you made it, pal.
I’ve done all that. I’ve traveled the world, been to exotic lands, visited wonders, shopped at a bazaar, etc, etc. None of it was anything special. None of it turned out to be worth the effort.
I could have written this myself! It describes how I feel so accurately with 1 difference, I have run out of hope.
I love your confidence and your strong will to keep going I have five kids it’s hard yes I know I made the choice and really I would not change them for anything is this world but it hard financially I’m drained fiscally I’m drained most days I stay in bed littreally all day when the kids are at school in darkness I put on a front for everyone no one really knows how I feel beside a little depressed but no one knows the thought I’m having I feel like I can’t do it any more I feel like everyone would be better off without my sorry ass around I hate myself but yet I don’t know why and I seem to be falling further and further into a bad place I want to just go to sleep and not wake up the only thing stopping me is my babies I have a partner of 16 years he try’s so hard to keep me happy but nothing helps I’m just so numb I’m cold hearted and I think his better off finding someone that will treat him better I love him but I’m no good for anyone iv had these feeling since I was younger but as an adult it’s gotten much worse I never wanted to die the thought scared the living hell out of me till now it’s now a happy place to me a place I can maybe finally be at peace and stop bringing down the people around me I can’t get myself out of it I mean some days are better than others but most days everything is just to much I wish I had the courage to believe that tomorrow is going to be better but iv prayed for better days and it’s just never going to happen my state of mind is screwed it’s not even scaring me any more because I’d much rather listen to the voices in my head and stop hurting stop crying stop wishing I was better stop trying to be better because no matter what I do nothing changes I wake up everyday not wanting to be here the one thing that stops me is my family at home I don’t want to hurt them but I just don’t know how long I can keep going I’m ashamed to speak out about this I am truly I wish there was a quick fix but unfortunately there’s not what do I do do I got to the doc and get medication I want help but I don’t think I can be helped I’m on the darkest place so far that iv felt I’m lost not only in my mind but my whole world and everyone around me how can I be a better person how can I feel less numb I’m scared because the thoughts in my head and weighing up the pros and cons it’s not fair that I’m making others feel like shit just because of my frame of mind this was probably left unsaid but I’m at the ass end I’m 35 and I don’t think that anything can save me from tge thoughts I have I am sorry for the negative vibe I’m just scared and at my wits end and I don’t know what to do next I’m tired I’m exhausted it’s bloody hard convincing myself everyday that tomorrow is a new day and I need to keep going I can’t nothing changes these thoughts are still here
So I have gone through all the posts and I am definitely on the no hope side of things. It does work for some and I’m really happy that it does. But remember everyone’s pain is different. What worked for one will not always work for another.
I am 54, smart, and friendly. At least that is what everyone tells me.
But I have no job, no money and no friends.
No one has asked me to go out or hang out with them for at least 2 years, people nod and smile but move on.
I have been on meds for years and in therapy more or less constantly for 15 years
I volunteer to help others
I walk every day for exercise
I apply for jobs all the time
I still feel as though nothing in life is worthwhile.
I don’t want to commit suicide, but I have no idea where to turn or what to do next.
My depression is not situational, there was no trigger just a chemical shift. I have “there” to work on or get over (but I do Not envy those who do, everyone’s hell hurts and is different)
I can go for a week or more without having a conversation (electronic communication does not count, for me)
I do not, and have never done, illegal drugs
I rarely drink alcohol
But my life still hurts every day and seems pointless and worthless.
I want to say congratulations to everyone on here, remember we all put it out there for the world to see.
But for some of us it doesn’t change anything
I just wanted to give a bit of hope to everyone who lands on this page. I came here one night while I was letting go of a love I’d held in my heart for a long time. I,too, like many of you, began to wonder if it would ever get better. I want to say with all my heart…It DOES get better! There is a lot of darkness and evil in the world and it can be hard to fight when we want to escape from that pain. But I can tell you, as a survivor of some very dark and depressing years, that you WILL find your way out. How it happens, I can’t tell you, I just know that it will. Whether it is because you find a new joy in life (for me, it’s serving other people or traveling), I have found a love for life and people that has only increased with time. I offer one of my favorite blog posts here as a small spark of hope that you, too, will find that light. My love and light and prayers are being sent to all who are struggling with the darkness. https://wallflowerblossoming.wordpress.com/2012/08/01/innocence-lost-and-found/
JT, please don’t give up. You have no idea what waits around the corner for you. Since your friends feel scarce and you feel as if you don’t have anyone to talk to, talk to me. Here is my email address. melissaec115@gmail.com And I also maintain a blog, which is ironically, about hope and personal development. Here is a link to one of my posts: https://wallflowerblossoming.wordpress.com/2012/08/20/hope/
You have much to give JT, you just have to dig deep to find out what it is. Please write to me. Don’t give up. As Cotte Art said, you are precious to your Father in Heaven and to others. The darkness in this world can bring us down, but there is a light for each of us if we learn how to find it. Talk to me. I have been in that place where I wanted to take my life, but with patience and determination, I found my way out of it and know that though there will always be hard times, there will always be good times as well.