“We do not heal the past by dwelling there; we heal the past by living fully in the present.” ~Marianne Williamson
My life fell apart on a warm August evening a few years ago. It had been a full summer: family visits, plans for a cross-country move, barbecues, and plenty of travel. We were happy, my husband and I.
Or so I thought.
On that August night, my husband came home to our cozy New York apartment, sat down, and told me, behind a smother of hands and hunched shoulders, that he’s in love with another woman. Well, not so much in those words—they actually came much later—but to save you a longer story, we’ll keep it at that.
What was clear was that he would not leave her despite the ten years we’d spent together, despite the love he still felt for me, despite the mistake he knew he was making.
And so, this man whom I loved with unbridled completeness, ran a sledgehammer through my life.
As it happens, the reverberations of that blow rippled out, unceremoniously taking down other pillars I had come to rely on for my sense of stability and well-being.
A week after my husband’s declaration, my spiritual home, the yoga studio I practiced and taught at nearly every day for years, closed with twenty-four-hour notice.
A week later, I was downsized out of another job. .
I shuffled through my days. At times I’d get a surge of energy and suit up with determination to do something about my situation. Other times I’d sink into an unmoving bump on the couch.
After weeks of treading water and binging on my stories of “poor me,” I realized that, despite my best efforts, life just kept coming at me. No matter how much I resisted and whimpered, the sun rose, birds sang, and babies still made me laugh.
I realized that I had a choice: I could keep shutting it out and wallow in misery, or I could open up and receive it.
I decided to open, ever so slowly, almost against my will. I started with small things: feeling the comforting weight of blankets piled on top of me as I vegged out on the couch, tasting the bitter sweetness of chocolate chip cookies, seeing the texture and hue of the landscape I stared out into.
In doing this, I discovered that what was breathing nourishment back into my soul and calling me forward into living again was none other than my senses.
Without doing anything dramatic, without making lofty resolutions or steeling my willpower, I began to heal. I softened. I even laughed. I relearned joy and ease and the thrill of taking risks.
Could it be so simple? Could it be so obvious?
Yes, and yes.
In opening, despite the pain and miserable facts of my life, a new awareness took hold: our senses are portals to the soul.
They are our inborn pleasure centers, receiving and transmitting sensory data—pleasure and pain—directly to the soul, where it is translated into information for the soul to use, to learn from, and to grow from.
Like a salve on a wound, senses can nourish and calm an achy soul and administer cooling bandages to a broken heart.
The senses tell us, in every single darn moment: Yes, we’re alive (and what a gift!). And, yes, there is pleasure and joy and beauty and so much room to expand into. They tell us, yes, this journey, this life, is worth it.
All we have to do is open up to what is, even just a tiny bit. The rest will take care of itself.
Opening, we see the beauty of the leaves in the sunlight.
Opening, we hear the wind chimes.
Opening, we feel a friend’s hand on our shoulder.
We take in the pleasure and the desire of our soul is quelled. We are set at ease. We have space now to rest, and heal.
So, I made the decision to nurture my senses and give my soul what it desired, even if it meant that my senses brought in pain, or ugly sounds, or smelly feet.
Because I learned that when my body aches from too many hours at the computer, I can still look to the blue sky and take cool drinks of water.
Because when I’m wracked with disappointment or the sting of failure, I can still feel warm water on my skin.
Because when I’m overwhelmed and wrung out from demands and deadlines, I can still breathe in the smell of a hearty stew and hear the kind words of friend.
For every pain, there is a pleasure. And I suspect that we are capable of pleasures far beyond the reaches of any pain.
It all starts with one simple move: opening to what is. Opening our sense portals to the deluge of pleasure that surrounds us, and filling our souls with the fullness of ease and nourishment beyond our imagination. This is the space we bathe in that heals wounded souls and broken hearts.
About Heather Rees
Heather Rees is a career change coach and strategic ally for women who want to do work that is meaningful to them. She is also the creator of the newly released Soul Revival: a Return to Your Senses – an exploration of the senses to spark creativity and reconnect with the soul. Read more here, or connect on Facebook and Twitter.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Really enjoyed reading this…Sorry to hear about your loss; glad to hear that you are in a better place now….
This is so true after my breakup, after an 8year relationship I was in a dark place but god help me every sunrise and sunset is more beautiful than last one. And I never remember the sky being so blue…
Foosa, that is exactly it. I remember so clearly the colors, the feel of things. It’s all in such sharp relief and ready for us to open to.
Thank you Jeevan. I am thankfully in a less painful (more pleasurable!) place now. Kind wishes to you.
Its true but it has been 7 months I feel same, things have not changed I feel its takes time to changes.
I’m sorry for your pain. It does take time to move through the phases and the layers of emotions both old and new. Your body and heart will lead you.
I just found out that my boyfriend of seven years is now engaged to another woman. I am literally wallowing in bed right now. This piece is lovely and when I’m able to resume my life I shall read and reread this. Good luck to you and thank you for this.
Oh I so understand your feelings. Wallow. Wallow really, really well. Because only by giving ourselves that will we be ready for the next step. My heart and blessings are with you.
Thank you Heather. My girlfriend of one year broke up with me via silence. I moved across country for her, left behind my grown sons and grandchildren, bought and renovating a new house, only to be greeted with silence one day and for the past 5 weeks, nothing. No e-mail, no facebook, no phone calls, will not answer calls. At first I was despondent to the point of considering the self-induced eternity. Went to the loony bin for 4 days over that little crisis. I was starting to feel those same feelings creep back into my world again today, until I read your piece above. Thank you. That was a very dark place where I did not want to return. I hope you don’t mind but I have saved this text to my computer and every time I start feeling that urge to “become permanently silent myself” I will read it. Those thoughts are fewer and farther between now. This will help me keep them permanently at bay. Thank you. A thousand times, thank you.
Amen…
Thanks Heather. I really needed to hear that it’s okay to take some time to put yourself back together again. I recently learnt from my dying mother that she was aware of the sexual abuse taking place in our house by my step father over a period of 12 years and yet did nothing about it. I dealt with the abuse years ago but learning that my mother knew and did nothing has just shattered my world and left me reeling.
I’ve just booked two weeks away to a secluded beach house to learn to love all the good things around me and try to heal myself and move on. Great to hear that healing can come from such simple pleasures!
Thanks Heather, that is really a new concept to me than even when things aren’t going great I can revert back to my senses to ground me in some way. I guess that’s why I find cooking relaxing, the smells, the flavours the colours. Thanks so much
That’s terrible man. I don’t want to bring back unwanted thoughts or
feelings but that’s a shame. I found this site when I went through a
similar situation last year. To be honest, I’m not on here as much as I
use to. But I
come here when I sense myself going back to that dark place as you put
it. The pain and suffering will end but you have to believe it, that’s the first step. It’s not permanent. Feel free to hit me up if you need someone to talk to.
If my words were at all helpful, I am grateful. It is always small steps, small moments. They don’t seem like much to others, but you feel them deeply. Find those. Cherish them. It is always there, in every moment. Beauty is always there.
It always does come from simple pleasures. Even on gorgeous remote beaches…it’s the simple things. Glad you’re taking that time for yourself!
Joy, that’s exactly it! Cooking (and eating) is such a great example of multi-scensory joy. As are things like feeling textures of common things around you, taking one mindful bit of food with eyes closed, appreciating what you see right now and the beauty it has. Keep cooking! 🙂
I just went through something similar 3 weeks ago, but at least your husband told you. I found out on a wedding announcement. I am in a lot of emotional pain, but I have relief because I know now. Thank you for your inspiring story.
Sorry, not doing it for me. My son walked out of my life 5 years ago and has no contact with family at all. I lost my father-in-law, then my father dropped dead, my mother faded away, my husband is gravely ill – the sun don’t shine in my life …..
Yeah, knowing is one of the hardest and most healing parts. You will get through this. One.day.at.a.time.
I’m so sorry to hear that, Kate. Some pain is so overwhelming we must wait for slivers of light to come through. No forcing it will ever work. My thoughts and blessings are with you.
I think the reason that it may not be doing it for you Kate is that you remain in the midst of what brings you pain –you don’t have the advantage of being able to close a certain chapter of your life and begin healing. I feel like the sun don’t shine in my life either, but I do believe in the power of being Open… even if just a moment, here and there.
Yes, yes, and yes. I came through 15 nearly unrelenting years of pain and loss, self-doubt, and the occasional plans for suicide. And my senses helped me do it: the smell of the ocean and the feel of the sand on my feet, being scolded by tiny birds, the scent of lavender and rosemary, the rich taste of hot chocolate made with vanilla and cinnamon, the warm sun, a friend’s embrace. Each moment of sensory happiness kept me involved and wanting to live. Thanks for the reminder.
Yes, so often I come back to what I learned in Alanon. One Day at a Time. Even one moment at a time, if that’s all you can manage. So much of what I learned I had known before, but it took going to meetings to really understand it.
Robyn, YES! Love having a sensory sister out there.
Sorry to hear that Kate and my blessings go with you. I can relate to the pain of loss.
I know what it’s like to lose someone close and to be in a dark place mourning… where healing and letting go seems virtually impossible.
7 years ago (today) one of my cousins passed away due to diabetes complications at the age of 26. A Year after she passed, her older brother passed away too due to the same battle with diabetes.
I was shocked, stunned and angry… I couldn’t believe how young people like that were gone so soon and WHY?! So instead of reflecting on all the great times we spent together, I was bitter and angry pushing away those alive and kicking… The whole notion of building new connections with people, focusing on healing and feeling better – seemed surreal. What for? So they could leave me too eventually?!
It gets extremely lonely to look at life through this perspective… in order to let go of the pain, we need to focus on getting better. It looks like a journey on a hot air balloon when we release one small bag of sand at a time so the wind of change can lift us higher…
it hard for me to relate to this sensory feeling, maybe am missing or not grasping the concept. My husband also left me for another woman, told me she was he’s everything oh well, doesn’t sting as bad as it used to. So again i do not understand how this sensory healing things works, i just cannot relate to it.
Some people are more sensory than others. I have friends who need to touch and others who learn best from seeing something. If you have ever seen a photograph that made you smile or heard a joke that made you laugh, you have experienced a sensory moment. To ease your pain, seek out the sights (a rainbow) and smells (fresh baked bread) and sounds (wind chimes on a lazy afternoon) that give you peace or a sense of hope. Go outside of yourself to find yourself once again.
Thats good to hear, I’m sure in time by continuing to do what you are already doing to find the balance in your life…you will find more & more of those happy moments & the painful memories will be a fading memory of a distant past that taught you some valuable life lessons! 🙂
Robyn, I couldn’t have said it better. Sing it, wise one. And Sandra know that even in the moment of pleasure – the sweetness of a brownie, the sight of a rainbow, the smell of a rose – pain can still exist. We get to choose which one we pay more attention to.
Love this! The simplicity of the senses feed the soul. It doesn’t have to be harder than that =)
Amalia, amen to that sister.
I’m so inspired by reading what you have written Heather, I will try and follow what you’ve said. It seems so real.Thanks a ton
I enjoy reading your story. Although, my story is much different than most women I assume. I married a man I did not love and did not care when he had found another woman 13 years later. It was a blessing! What my problem is, is that both of us were so strong-willed, that only one of us had to be on top. He became verbally and emotionally abuse. And if I had not have broken myself down, he would have become physically abusive. I had broken my own spirit. And after 7 years of being divorced, I am still trying to find myself. I don’t know who I am still, and don’t know what I should do.
Thank you for this, I needed something <3
This is so beautiful.
The thing about this story is that it goes both ways. It happens to men also.
All very accurate but nothing helps with healing from a shattered heart. After 5 months, I hurt now as much as I ever have. I’ve tried about everything but still crumble into a pile of self loath and depression. This is gonna kill me… literally!
This is old, but thank you so much. Sometimes it really is simple as that. 🙂
You are SO welcome. It is as simple as that – and as complicated as that! We are creatures who crave big leaps, quantum changes, dramatic transitions. But, in truth, we change in tiny increments, moment to moment, that slowly weaves a fabric whole. Best of luck and my prayers for your journey!
I understand. I really really understand. Nearly 4 years after my heart was shattered I can now say that it takes time, patience, kindness, and conscious application of loving self-care. You WILL feel differently. You WILL change. If nothing else, it’s the law of the universe. My prayers and blessings to you, dear one!
Thank you!
I’m glad it was helpful for you. That is the kindest compliment I could ever receive. <3 to you!
I’m so glad to hear that you are no longer in the abusive relationship. That is a big change, and a positive one!, in and of itself. I hope you find some comfort in knowing that none of us know the perfect path, ever. We’re all making it up as we go. Loving awareness, a heart-felt prayer for guidance and patience go a long way in creating a life that is grounded in meaning for you. All my prayers and blessings!
Thank you!
I am having a difficult time dealing with my breakup, it happened 2 months ago. I feel like I am nothing, worthless, disposable and no matter how much I try to deny it..it’s the truth. If it’s not then why did my bf leave me, he never gave me a clue that he wasn’t happy. Even after I would ask him..he never said a word. Now he’s in a new and improved relationship with a woman he met 3 weeks after we broke up. I am in a state of constant worry, anxiety and fear. The confusion takes my breath away because I still do not know why we broke up. We were together almost 7 years and now it’s gone and to him…i no longer exist. Thoughts of him and her torment me relentlessly and no matter how hard I try to not think about it, I can’t make myself stop.My spirit is crushed and my heart is shattered into a million pieces and at times, I can not breathe.I loved this man with all my heart -I was so happy to have found my love and now it’s gone and I am alone.I am alone and I must try to put myself back together again, though in my mind I feel that it is impossible to do so and I have no idea how to do it. It sickens me to think that he’s feels none of the things…the hurt that I go through, DAILY. I feel that I must be the stupidest woman on the planet to allow a man to mistreat her so badly and yet, still love him. I don’t know what to do…but the reality is that there is absolutely nothing I can do to change anything. He never loved me and he doesn’t care at all. To him, I may as well be dead and at times I wish it was so.
My husband and I have been together for 11 1/2yrs. We seperated 14 months ago. We still spent time together. Doing the fun things that we always did but then went to our own homes. He completely started shutting me out 2 months ago. I haven’t stopped crying since, even as I write this to you. I just don’t seem to care about much anymore and do not see the light at the tunnels end. My sadness had consumed me and my life.
I know it seems just awful right now. But you must believe that it will get better. Because it will.
Heather thank you so much for sharing this! We all tend to think our pain and suffering is just something we have to bear, that we are alone in our journey and that makes this dialogue so important. My story could mimic yours almost exactly and I actually laughed out loud while reading your words because they easily could have been my own. For me, the sensory pleasures were the only thing that could keep me holding on to hope and rediscovering gratitude. As I felt my soul slowly dying and my sense of identity, myself slipping away, it was these simple joys that put my feet back on the ground. I had lost trust in myself and felt naive. But one thing I knew for sure was how I felt about the simple things…..that my heart tingled and warmed when I saw the sun’s golden shimmer on the water, or heard the wingbeats of a tiny hummingbird, or watched a feather float and dance with the wind. These were feelings I could rely on, something I knew for certain even though the rest of my life and thoughts felt so out of order, so confused. And if we can just re-adjust our expectations–look at these tiny moments as a step towards healing, towards finding our way back to ourselves, then we can restore hope that we will be alright, that this experience was something we were supposed to come to know to make us a deeper and more compassionate person.
Wishing you all love and peace as you walk that path back to your self <3
What goes around comes around. These types of men and some women are just plain ole WIMPS! But when you treat somebody wrong it will come back with a vengeance. But to those of that has GONE THRU I COMMEND YOU! AND I PRAY THAT ALL THAT PAIN WILL TURN FOR YOUR BETTERMENT AND YOU HELP OTHERS GOING THRU OR WILL GO THRU. BLESSING TO YOU ALL!! KEEP YOUR HEAD UP CUZ YOU’RE WORTH IT. MAYBE GOD WAS SPARING ‘YOU’ FROM SUCH PLAYERS IN THIS WORLD…USERS. AND TO THE ONES THEY LEFT YOU FOR…NINE OUT OF TEN IT WON’T LAST AND IF IT SEEMS THAT IT IS DON’T FOOL YOURSELF…REMEMBER ‘YOU’ THOUGHT THINGS WERE FINE TOO. : )
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