“Those that know, do. Those that understand, teach.” ~Aristotle
I’ve been mostly introverted for a majority of my life, often running away from issues that could cause a damaging conversation between me and another person.
Experience has taught me that when I get upset, I don’t naturally handle my hardship with grace.
I worked as a restaurant manager for some years, and it was just too easy to react to the frustration I felt when an employee disregarded my request that they stock the bathroom with paper towels or wash the front windows.
I would either explode or I would remain silent. I couldn’t figure out how to simply approach the person and work through the issue. And, of course, as the restaurant is an incredibly fast-paced environment, there was no time to process these dysfunctional circumstances.
But as life naturally works out, I found myself unemployed for a small stint, whereupon I had the chance to muse over the past and discover the reasons why my voice wasn’t being heard and understood.
And we all want to be understood. Maybe you relate to my experience in that, at times, no matter how hard you try, it seems that no one gets it. Then we make efforts to force people to appreciate us, defending our case over and over, which can simply create negativity and make the situation more incomprehensible.
If you find this happening, pause for a moment. Consider the idea that, in many cases, we are more likely to be understood by others if we are understanding of them.
This does take a bite out of the ego, and yeah—that hurts.
But it doesn’t mean dropping your position. It will actually strengthen your case to learn and respect the opinions of others—even when they are disrespectful of yours. More often than not, you will find that they eventually return the favor.
You can sit quietly on the couch in your own home and ponder another person’s viewpoint.
This is the foundation to effectively debating your opinions. I follow this concept and frequently find that my voice is heard and accepted amongst people who have differing opinions than my own.
Here are some tips that can help you get that long-awaited point across:
1. Understand that your anger is a normal, natural reaction.
It’s okay to feel angry about a wrongdoing. However, at a certain point, anger becomes a choice. It is at this time when you can make efforts to understand the other person’s position.
I catch myself getting angry at just about every inconvenience, but through some practice I am able to move past the feeling without becoming its victim.
2. Do not express your view until you feel calm and comfortable.
Many times we have a tiny intuitive voice in our mind that tells us to be patient, but because it is tiny, we ignore it. When we do so, we may say something that will be counterproductive to our goal.
3. Set the goal of helping others.
If you want to express your opinion about an important issue, but you do not have the benefit of others in mind, you may inadvertently come across as selfish or boorish.
4. Relate to the opinions of others.
Consider the phrase, “I see where you’re coming from.” Pause on that phrase until you actually do understand their side.
Many people will say, “I see where you’re coming from—but…” This won’t show them that you really get it. Think of a time you have been in their position either on a larger or smaller scale. Often, if you relay this story to them, it assures them you really do get it.
5. Don’t fight.
The moment you are in an argument and you begin to raise your voice, get upset, flail your arms, speak ill of others, you become irrational. People are rarely going to hear you in this state of mind.
6. Try not to take things personally.
“Right and wrong” are harsh words to describe concepts that either “work or may not work.” Consider this when you begin to take the argument personally.
7. Do not tell a person they are wrong.
Perhaps you don’t agree with their position, but insulting them, cutting them off, will only cause them to get defensive, and perhaps do the same to you.
8. If you’re unable to communicate effectively, take responsibility for that.
If you do not successfully get your point across, do not solely blame the other person. Conversation is never less than a two-way street.
Your mind will tell you the places where you made a mistake. Simply reflect on these and decide what will be better to do the next time.
9. Learn when to walk away.
If you feel that you are at that messy point where you can’t get the other person to listen, just let it go. You can revisit the issue later, but forcing it now will only make things worse.
It’s also true that space and time after a confusing conversation will help others to reflect on the important points that you discussed, which will help them to identify with your position.
What helps you speak your mind calmly and effectively?
About Eva Barrow
Eva Barrow has a B.A. in English Literature and 10 years restaurant experience. She now works as an Administrative Assistant to an independent living residence for older adults.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Eva…opening quote incorrect…it’s “those that know, do…..”. Makes no sense the way you’ve quoted it.
Thank you for this article. It is hard being an introvert in an extrovert world!!
I am going to ruminate on your post a little. I usually don’t feel a lot of anger, but I was surprised at how I exploded on a recent trip to Italy. The first day there I caught a guy pick pocketing me, and the police wouldn’t come to my aide. A few days later, I was fined on a crowded bus because I couldn’t even get to the machine to validate my family’s bus ticket, the bus was so crowded. The authorities took me and my family away to give us an exorbitant fine, but they wouldn’t listen to our pleas. I finally let it all out and yelled over all the injustices I had suffered on my trip. It actually felt really good to let it all out. Sometimes you get into a situation that’s completely unfair and there is nothing you can do about it.
Hi Joe,
Thanks for pointing this out! It should have been “Those that do, know.” I somehow missed that…
Lori
Great article! I’m gonna post the tips in my office. I do get angry often (I’m not an introvert and almost always speak my mind at work). These tips will help me channel that anger into a more productive response/reaction. Thanks, Eva!
good one dear..will you pls give me how to have self control…I want to become a good guy…I wanna control lust..pls guide me
a good article, especially helpful if you tend to blow up during confrontations. i have the opposite problem, unfortunately. i’ve wired myself to try and avoid confrontation, so that my immediate response to any disagreement is to just say, ok, we disagree, and clam up. no discussion, even if my feelings about it are as valid as the other person’s. then 30 minutes later, I’ll still be working through all my feelings about the situation, thinking of things i could have said to get my point across, but unable to reopen the conversation when I’ve had a hand in closing it. what i need to work on, is staying calm, but not being afraid to deal with situations directly, even if i do start to get a little heated.
I needed this. Thank you. It reinforced what I already felt.
This blog helped me to reiterate in mind that I can look at their point of view also…
Thank you, Eva. This is very helpful. Keep writing.
I also try to avoid confrontation, but I am really working on changing that because I want to be more honest. I learned a new approach recently, which helped me in a “talk” (rather than a confrontation) I had to have with a co-worker. Instead of accusing, I simply said, “This is what I’ve observed…” It allowed me to deflect potential defensiveness and put my points in a more gentle and non-threatening way.
Great post.
Learning when to walk away is so key. It seems passive but is very active. It takes you out of the game..
Disagree with feeling “comfortable” though. Some things may never be comfortable for some people to discuss. You’ve just gotta go through it.
Looking forward to more articles!
-Josh
A good approach. I also try to keep things in a more neutral tone rather than accusing, or pushing my point as the “right” one. Another phrase I find helpful is “In my experience”. This reinforces that everyone brings a different perspective to an issue, resulting in different, not right or wrong, opinions and responses. I’m working on not closing the door on discussion, because even though I have no interest in convincing other people my way is right, I think that sharing perspectives is essential to everyone’s growth. Even if we don’t convince each other, we will hopefully give the other person something to think about.
“we are more likely to be understood by others if we are understanding of them”… No truer statement and words to live by. Great article, Eva!
I often feel that way as well. I wonder when is a good time to re-initiate the conversation, especially if it is important enough to get my point across.
I need to read this everyday before I leave the house! Thank you.
Nice post, Eva. Very crisp content and helpful for day to day life to convey one’s idea with calmness.
It’s been 4 years but I wanted to say to you that I feel the same way. Bottling up feelings when things are unfair can make you sick.Alot of times these pearls of wisdom ,as helpful as they are to most,negate sometimes the harsh reality…that life is unfair.Chastizing soothingly a pick pocketer, shrugging off police indifference comes across as giving up on life. Anger can be beneficial as a temporary bandage on the Psyche.
Lori, I wish I could control my anger when things are wrong at work. Actually I prefer to write an email rather than speak to the person who is insulting me.
When I confronted the 2 people that were bad talking about me, gesturing me with offensive gestures and bullying me, I ended up making it clear that I saw their insulting behavior; of course they denied everything I saw them do.
I now will be speaking to the entire department about how I’m being insulted, by professional believe it or not. I fear that my anger will show through, so how do I get my feeling across without seeming out of hand. I am not the only one who is being menaced at the workplace. There are at least 4 other people who complain about the bullying and insults and mimicking when one turn their back. One of the people recently died and never spoke up about the humiliation he felt; what a shame. How do I bring this up at the meeting to allow these two people to STOP without getting a lawyer involved.
BTW; these are educated degreed persons; one is in her 60s and the other in his 40s. HELP
Hi Abhi,
I live in Minnesota and this kind of passive reaction seems to be built into us culturally. There is much debate about the term “Minnesota Nice”. It can stand for going out of your way to help any stranger in need, or being two-faced and passive aggressive in favor of appearing to be kind. The latter is the most negative of the opposing definition, but in that angle of the term I have found that many residents have learned or adapted to the idea that opposing someone else in Any way is bad. Period. People will go out of their way to stifle their own feelings in favor of people that they don’t much care for. I was born here and have been back for the last 18 yrs, but have lived in 8 different states including Hawaii and New Jersey (people thought I was from New York-That’s how willing I am to share my opinion. I tend to lean toward the opposite problem of what we are discussing.) I do however, suffer at times from what you are expressing. I become obsessed about the issue and become victimized by its wrongness even though I had an opportunity to state my side of the case. For whatever reason I didn’t feel that I was able to defend or explain my view and chose to back away. I feel that how it is affecting you is a good enough reason for re-approaching the subject. I start out by apologizing for not being truthful while the event was taking place, then give a brief explanation for why I felt I couldn’t express myself properly. I then explain that in order to be able to move past it I would like a chance to state my side and clear the air about what I feel had taken place, while also pointing out that I have had time to reflect on their view. This shows that I have also been trying to understand their feelings on the subject as well, not just stewing in my own victimization. I’ve found that spending a good amount of time on why it is that the other person reacted the way they have steers me away from focusing on being a victim-which is often not even the case. I am trying to steer my energy away from the victim roll by considering every single thing that took place, and what I could have done to avoid getting there.
The short of my advice is that I feel that if you are stuck and unable to move beyond a situation that has taken place, that is a valid reason to re-approach it with the other person. Working on ways to avoid being there again can help to motivate you to get through this uncomfortable situation. I see your comment is 4 years old and I hope that you have discovered ways to grow beyond this and into a more personally aware existence. I am struggling myself, but even having this much awareness is half the battle.