“Criticism is something you can easily avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.” ~Aristotle
At the end of the day, when I feel completely exhausted, it often has nothing to do with all the things I’ve done.
It’s not a consequence of juggling multiple responsibilities and projects. It’s not my body’s way of punishing me for becoming a late-life jogger after a period of laziness. It’s not even about getting too little sleep.
When I’m exhausted, you can be sure I’ve bent over backward trying to win everyone’s approval. I’ve obsessed over what people think of me, I’ve assigned speculative and usually inaccurate meanings to feedback I’ve received, and I’ve lost myself in negative thoughts about criticism and its merit.
I work at minimizing this type of behavior, and I’ve had success for the most part, but admittedly, it’s not easy.
I remember back in college, taking a summer acting class, when I actually made the people around me uncomfortable with my defensiveness. This one time, the teacher was giving me feedback after a scene in front of the whole class. She couldn’t get through a single sentence without me offering some type of argument.
After a couple minutes of verbal sparring, one of my peers actually said, “Stop talking. You’re embarrassing yourself.”
Looking back, I cut myself a little slack. You’re vulnerable in the spotlight, and the student’s reaction was kind of harsh. But I know I needed to hear it.
Because I was desperately afraid of being judged, I took everything, from everyone, as condemnation.
I realize criticism doesn’t always come gently, from someone legitimately trying to help. A lot of the feedback we receive is unsolicited and doesn’t come from teachers—or maybe all of it does. Maybe there’s a lesson in every criticism, if only we’re willing to find it.
We can’t control what other people will say to us. But we can control how we internalize it, respond to it, and learn from it, and when we release it and move on.
If you’ve been having a hard time dealing with criticism lately, it may help to remember the following:
The Benefits of Criticism
Personal Growth
1. Looking for seeds of truth in criticism encourages humility. It’s not easy to take an honest look at yourself and your weaknesses, but you can only grow if you’re willing to try.
2. Learning from criticism allows you to improve. Almost every critique gives you a tool to more effectively create the tomorrow you visualize.
3. Criticism opens you up to new perspectives and ideas that you may not have considered. Whenever someone challenges you, they help expand your thinking.
4. Your critics give you an opportunity to practice active listening. This means you resist the urge to analyze in your head, planning your rebuttal, and simply consider what the other person is saying.
5. You have the chance to practice forgiveness when you come up against harsh critics. Most of us carry around stress and frustration that we unintentionally misdirect from time to time.
Emotional Benefits
6. It’s helpful to learn how to sit with the discomfort of an initial emotional reaction instead of immediately acting or retaliating. All too often we want to do something with our feelings—generally not a great idea!
7. Criticism gives you the chance to foster problem solving skills, which isn’t always easy when you’re feeling sensitive, self-critical, or annoyed with your critic.
8. Receiving criticism that hits a sensitive spot helps you explore unresolved issues. Maybe you’re sensitive about your intelligence because you’re holding onto something someone said to you years ago, something you need to release.
9. Interpreting someone else’s feedback is an opportunity for rational thinking—sometimes, despite a negative tone, criticism is incredibly useful.
10. Criticism encourages you to question your instinctive associations and feelings; praise is good, criticism is bad. If we recondition ourselves to see things in less black and white terms, there’s no stop to how far we can go!
Improved Relationships
11. Criticism presents an opportunity to choose peace over conflict. When criticized. our instinct may be to fight, creating unnecessary drama. The people around us generally want to help us, not judge us.
12. Fielding criticism well helps you mitigate the need to be right. Nothing closes an open mind like ego—bad for your personal growth and damaging for relationships.
13. Your critics give you an opportunity to challenge any people-pleasing tendencies. Relationships based on a constant need for approval can be draining for everyone involved. It’s liberating to let people think whatever they want—they’re going to do it anyway.
14. Criticism gives you the chance to teach people how to treat you. If someone delivers it poorly, you can take this opportunity to tell them, “I think you make some valid points, but I would receive them better if you didn’t raise your voice.”
15. Certain pieces of criticism teach you not to sweat the small stuff. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter that your boyfriend thinks you load the dishwasher “wrong.”
Time Efficiency
16. The more time you spend dwelling about what someone said, the less time you have to do something with it.
17. If you improve how you operate after receiving criticism, this will save time and energy in the future. When you think about from that perspective—criticism as a time saver—it’s hard not to appreciate it!
18. Fostering the ability to let go of your feelings and thoughts about being critiqued can help you let go in other areas of your life. Letting go of worries, regrets, stresses, fears, and even positive feelings helps you root yourself in the present moment. Mindfulness is always the most efficient use of time.
19. Criticism reinforces the power of personal space. Taking ten minutes to process your emotions, perhaps by writing in a journal, will ensure you respond well. And responding well the first time prevents one critical comment from dominating your day.
20. In some cases, criticism teaches you how to interact with a person, if they’re negative or hostile, for example. Knowing this can save you a lot of time and stress in the future.
Self-Confidence
21. Learning to receive false criticism—feedback that has no constructive value—without losing your confidence is a must if you want to do big things in life. The more attention your work receives, the more criticism you’ll have to field.
22. When someone criticizes you, it shines a light on your own insecurities. If you secretly agree that you’re lazy, you should get to the root of that. Why do you believe that, and what can you do about it?
23. Learning to move forward after criticism, even if you don’t feel incredibly confident, ensures that no isolated comment will prevent you from seizing your dreams. Think of it as separating the wheat from the chaff; take what’s useful, leave the rest, and keep going!
24. When someone else appraises you harshly, you have an opportunity to monitor your internal self-talk. Research indicates up to 80% of our thoughts are negative. Take this opportunity to monitor and change your thought processes so you don’t drain and sabotage yourself!
25. Receiving feedback well reminds you it’s okay to have flaws—imperfection is part of being human. If you can admit weakness and work on them without getting down on yourself, you’ll experience far more happiness, peace, enjoyment, and success.
We are all perfectly imperfect, and other people may notice that from time to time. We may even notice in it each other.
Somehow accepting that is a huge weight off my mind.
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Just like I said on the thought page, the best way to deal with criticism is to ‘stop caring about things’. Just don’t care. Fall free.
Like Abraham and Hicks say, go downstream. Don’t resist it, just let it happen and go. It’s good, yeah, that’s why you’ve listed this post. But all I know is, it should be allowed to pass through you and elope in it’s own neutrality.
Stopping to care about things like criticism (and a lot of other negative things) is what you should start doing, now!
I think it’s very important to stop resisting. I learned from people like Osho and Krishnamurti that the world is a mirror. Everything that really bothers me in other people is an unresolved issue in myself with which I am not in peace.
Like Khalil Gibran said:
“I have learned silence from the talkative, tolerance from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet strangely, I am ungrateful to these teachers”
Oh, one thing Lori: How do you deal with criticism which enters your mind? You know when your mind likes to think about what somebody said to you over an over…
Thank you!!
[…] How to Deal with Criticism Well: 25 Reasons to Embrace It … […]
I do not take what most would call criticism as most would, I try to see it as information I need, and I can do this because I accept the words into my head rather than my heart. I was taught if you listen with your head it is information, if you listen with your heart it causes an emotional reaction.It took some discipline to learn to do this but it makes my life so much easier,as I truly can learn from my mistakes
Thanks for your comment Jaky! You bring up an excellent point about letting criticism happen and letting it to. I think accepting that it is human nature to form opinions/judgments is one of the keys to happiness.
I know for me personally, in the moment when I am criticized it helps to think through how I can use the experience to my benefit. It’s easier for me to let go of something when I have made peace with my feelings about it. (Instead of forcing myself to not have feelings at all).
Thanks for your comment Stephan! This really resonated with me: “Everything that really bothers me in other people is an unresolved issue in myself with which I am not in peace.” I believe that wholeheartedly, and I’ve seen it firsthand in my own life.
I deal with criticism by thinking about one of the many things I listed here. Which one I think about depends on the nature of the criticism–whether it’s constructive, delivered harshly, unsolicited, etc.
I am someone who reacts very emotionally to the world around me, including things I perceive as both positive and negative. It’s helpful for me to talk my way through an emotional response so I can then let it go. If I can find some lesson in something that happened, I am less likely to dwell on it.
I realize the Buddhist answer is “to let it wash through my and then let it go” but that’s just not how I choose to operate. I choose instead to recycle it into something that feels useful.
Wishing you a wonderful, peaceful day =)
Lori
Thanks for this Lori!
It’ll come in very handy not only for when I let criticism get under my skin but also when I’m busy picking others apart, which I’ve been doing a fair bit recently… and I know it’s got just as much to do with me as it has with anyone else.
I’ve had an odd relationship with criticism throughout my life. On the one hand I take it badly and internalise it when it’s directed at me personally but on the other hand, I’m very constructive and manically determined to improve if it’s aimed at my writing – I’ve been trained well in that area, to make use of it all!
Strange how I’ve never thought to apply the same skills to things that get to me personally.
Thanks for writing this, you really know how to hit the nail on the head!
Kudos
Yes of course Lori! Your idea is about learning and benefiting from the criticism while I’m talking about how not to get yourself affected and depressed of it. Criticism happens and sometimes it happens so hard, we just feel out of our minds. So, then, before you could learn something from it, you’ve to get your mind out of the damn thing.
Actually Sam, it’s always about having it inside you. Gandhi, for example, is criticized a lot about his ideas on Satyagrah and Truth. Well, but there are millions more who also actually understand and support the idea.
So, criticism doesn’t always mean you’ve to learn from it. Sometimes, people criticize because they don’t get the point you’re trying to make them understand. So, depends on situation about what you can do with it.
Thank you for posting this. I’m someone who is always defensive as well and I never thought about the good things that criticism can bring. It’s probably because it’s always talked about in a negative light, rather than as something positive. I think that if as children we learn that criticism can be something positive we won’t grow into adults who are always looking at the negative aspect of it.
[…] How to Deal with Criticism Well: 25 Reasons to Embrace It … […]
Thank you!
May I have one addition?
Criticism helps you to see the emptiness of your personal “I”, because upon analysis you will be able to see, that the “object” on which the critic applies his criticism is fictitious. It is not easy (at all) to deconstruct your personal ego, created by yourself, but other people’s constructions of “me” can be much less feasible and easier to deal with. It also helps you to analyse your identifications and to see how stupid they can be. (“Hey, you fat bald pig in this stupid green shirt!” – Well, it is not even green… And anyway tomorrow I will put on a red one…)
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Learning how to handle feedback from others has always been one of my biggest focuses in personal development. It can be excruciatingly difficult, especially since, like you, I am very protective of my perceived “self.” I like to believe that I already do things really well, but in truth I have a lot I need to improve. Some people I can accept feedback from more than others. Some people are just PLAIN rude whenever they give their opinion. It makes my heart race, but I am very good at biting my tongue and remaining polite.
Really great advice Lori! LOVE the blog and I hope to read a lot more of it in the future.
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This is a really great post. I especially liked the point that the more attention you receive the more criticism you will receive too. You can’t have one without the other.
Absolutely–this has been a big one for me. Now when I receive criticism, I remember it’s partly a reflection on the impact I’m making. Thanks for reading and commenting!
{ When someone criticizes you, it shines a light on your own insecurities.}
This is true.
And I am learning to face my criticism with a smile, which is still harsh thing to do for me, cause I always squeeze the awkward-est smile 😉
Gotta be a confident giggling girl~~
I love this post, thank you! It’s so amazing how putting our mental energy into approval seeking can completely physically, mentally, and emotionally wipe us out. These reasons to embrace criticism are so wise and so helpful. Thank you!
You’re most welcome! I know how exhausting approval seeking behavior can be. This is something I constantly work at, and I’m learning it gets easier with time. Thanks for reading and commenting!
You’re most welcome! I know how exhausting approval seeking behavior can be. This is something I constantly work at, and I’m learning it gets easier with time. Thanks for reading and commenting!
[…] I came across this article on Tiny Buddha about how to deal with criticism that totally struck a nerve. It reminded me that I […]
Whoa. My knee-jerk reaction is wanting to go back in time and punch that student in the mouth for not only being harsh but humiliating. But then, that would not be very buddhist :-/ The lesson from this is knowing there will be those undiplomatic critics out there and develop a thick skin, step back and learn from what is said.
A good thing to remember also is that critics often have their own agenda and insecurities, so what they criticize in you may have no kernel of truth whatsoever.
Absolutely fantastic post. Lots of valuable information here.
My partner and I have been faced with a lot of ‘false criticism’ in the last year with the launch and success of our new business (mostly from competitors). It was extremely hard to deal with at first (and sometimes still is), but the points you bring up and reasons you give to embrace the less-than-pleasant feedback definitely help me to see things from a different perspective.
I’m already breathing easier – the weight has been lifted. Thank you!
My knee-jerk reaction wasn’t very understanding at the time! I felt so embarrassed to be confronted like that in front of all my peers. It took me a while to realize I would do myself a huge favor by being less defensive. Either there was something constructive in the criticism and I could improve, or there wasn’t and it wasn’t worth getting upset over.
Good point about critics’ agendas/insecurities. My mother used to say, “Not everything is about you.” It can be tempting to take everything personally, especially if it’s coming at you. I think in the end we just need to trust our instincts when it comes to assessing whether or not there’s actually an value in a criticism or it’s better to just let it go.
I’m glad you found this helpful. Thanks for commenting and sharing some of your experiences!
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This is assuming the person giving the critique is worth investing time over. I find some offer criticism only to bring you down so you can’t excel beyond them.
I liked.
For us, who can handle just one phrase in our minds, in a nutshell, in one line, whats your advice?
Take what can help you grow, realizing it’s probably more than you think, and leave the rest. That would be my advice in a nutshell!
Totally agree. We should take criticism and turn it to a beneficial force to improve ourselves. Well said and really a nice write-up. =)
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I love how you found 25 positive responses to a subject that can bring many people to their knees Lori. Criticism can be cut like a knife to confidence so your list is a great resource to boosting self-esteem and seeing everything from a more beneficial slant. For me constructive criticism shows you who your friends are and where you are likely to find support, a kind word, a shoulder to rely on, and someone who has got your back so you don’t fall over. Well intentioned criticsim is elixir to reality and helps fine tune planning and goals. Best to welcome and make friends with it then.
Well said John! I think when we focus on how constructive criticism can allow us to grow and improve, it suddenly seems a lot less difficult to handle. Thank you for reading and commenting!
Out of all the things I feel like I’ve got sussed, taking criticism well is definitely not one of them. Thanks for this post, it’s given me a lot of new ways to approach the problem!
You’re most welcome!
Out of all the things I feel like I’ve got sussed, taking criticism well is definitely not one of them! Thanks for this post, it has given me a lot of new ways to think about the problem.
http://yourethedeepestperson.blogspot.com
Wow, thanks for the post. It took me from not being able to sleep last night to looking forward to the next critisism!
Also astounding how close to home this hits. Was the ‘secretly agreeing that you’re lazy’ a personal or general example? Unfortunately this is something I believe but I’m struggling to figure out what can to do about it.
Thanks again!
You’re most welcome! I have historically struggled with criticism, so I’ve put a lot of thought into different ways to interpret and benefit from it (clearly). The lazy example was more general, although there have been times in my life when I’ve believed that I am lazy.
One thing that has helped me is to allow myself some time to be without feeling any pressure to be productive. I think I was associating needing space to relax with laziness, when really it was just a matter of needing to create a balanced life.
Have a wonderful day!
Lori