Iโm in the middle of self-publishing my first book. Ever since college, I dreamed of publishing my work and now I’m enjoying the reality of going for it.
For weeks, I’ve gathered testimonials. As you may know, they are powerful tools, especially when the people providing them are recognizable to the target reader.
My challenge: how do I get testimonials from all these people I respect? Well, I’ll tell you what I did and how I failed before I understood what worked best.
Asking
The first answer to how one gets help is “by asking.” Yes, some people miss that part by never trying.
Why is that? Why do we hold back from asking?
For me, thereโs a lot of fear that comes up when Iโm about to ask for help.
- What if they say โnoโ to my request?
- What if they ignore my request?
- What if they see my request as a waste of time?
And those are just my conscious thoughts. Thereโs a good chance my subconscious replaced the words โmy requestโ in the statements above with โme.โ
- What if they say โnoโ to me?
- What if they ignore me?
- What if they see me as a waste of time?
Sort of slaps the ego a bit harderโmakes sense why we wouldnโt want to see it that way. Feels more painful, huh?
Until I could admit this complex belief to myselfโthat my book and I are the same entityโI stayed blind above the surface, doomed to make and repeat the mistake Iโm about to share with you.
I began my testimonial hunt by researching and collecting a bunch of names and contact information. I didn’t go after the nationally famous but rather the community-famous. This smaller subset includes people who are famous within their area of expertise which makes them much more accessible.
Where I Totally Messed Up
In composing my email introduction along with my request, I bumped up against myself. In hindsight, I could see that the belief above showed up one level over (but still under the surface) as โI canโt ask for something without giving something in return.โ
This belief highlights my capacity (or lack thereof) to receive, which I need if I want my book to do well.
Can you see how I was doing an excellent job of protecting my ego?
In basic structure, the first emails I wrote went something like:
- I know and like you.
- I just wrote a book.
- Can you do me a favor?
- I want feedback on my book.
- Then maybe I can do a favor for you.
- Lemme know.
With the energy of:
- Only if you want to.
- I guess.
- Whatever.
Cute and very indirect, these emails got very few responses. And those who did respond let me know they didn’t have time and wished me luck.
I wondered why I got these kinds of responses. I furiously dissected the emails I sent.
Why was I asking for feedback? I had already worked with an awesome editorโI didn’t need feedback!
Why didn’t I mention the word “testimonial” at all? What was all this talk about “favors”? If people got the wrong idea, I might have been coming across as creepy!
Here’s what I realizedโฆ
I was playing small.
I believed that these people I respected were too far above meโthat they wouldn’t have time for me. That without them I was going to fail.
Can you smell the desperation? Not very attractive, is it? Quite a setup for rejection. And I was the one rejecting myself before I ever gave them a chance to reject me by composing such a confusing message.
Take twoโฆ
I rewrote my email to something like this:
- I know and like you.
- I just wrote a book.
- I want to feature your words in a testimonial on my book.
- You might write something likeโฆ (sample)
- Lemme know.
With the energy of:
- I respect you and myself.
- This can be easy.
Much more direct.
I even made sure the sample testimonial mimicked their communication style and what they cared aboutโin essence, showing that I “got” them.
After that, the responses shifted. I didn’t write to tons of people, just a handful. And this round was different.
People were not only saying “yes” they were thanking me for asking them! Thanking me for doing work that they cared about! (And the endorsements are still coming in!)
Woah!
Here’s what I’m left withโฆ
When I play BIG…
Other people get a lot from my playing big. In my requests, I’m actually creating opportunities for other people to put their energy into something that moves them.
People can still say “no” to my requests and it doesn’t have to be personal. It’s just a “no.”
I don’t need to give back every time I receive. Sometimes, I can just relax and receive. Itโs may be hard and unfamiliar for me to do so, but at the same time it’s worth practicing.
Nobody is above or below me.
No matter who I am, if someone opens their heart to me, communicates clearly and concisely, and shows me they “get” me by sharing something I care about, I will totally want to help them out. Wouldn’t you?
For me, playing big means taking risks, loving myself no matter what happens, trusting in a higher power, and expressing my truth, first to myself and then to others.
When asking for help, what does playing big mean to you?
Photo by Dimitri N
About Matthew Alexander Sloane
Matthew Alexander Sloane is a writer, artist, and brand strategist. His first book, Tulieโs Garden is a graphic novel about authenticity, vulnerability, and the dark side of being a manโas revealed through his own experience. You can help him self-publish this project via Kickstarter.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
You mentioned something really intriguing to me in this post – about taking the rejection of your book personally, as if you and your book were the same. It reminded me of one of the Four Agreements, by. Don Miguel Ruiz:
“Don’t Take Anything Personally:ย ย Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.”
It’s difficult to live in this manner, because it’s so easy to attach ourselves to whatever we’re doing or whatever interests us. But it’s helpful to remind ourselves that whatever anyone’s response is to you, it’s based out of their own selves. It is not who you are, but who they are.ย
Yes! I absolutely love this – thank you so much for reminding us all to ask ask ask! And also to play big. This is exactly where I am, too – on my way to approaching those I look up to to offer their testimonials for my books. And it’s so important to stand strong in your self worth before writing the emails. Your second version came from a place of empowerment – a place of collaboration instead of them simply doing you a favor. And you made it easy for them! Bravo, and I’m so happy (but not at all surprised) that the endorsements are flowing in.
Congratulations!
You are so right.ย I am just beginning to feel ok about asking for help or endorsements.ย I’ve always been stubborn about making my own way and it has completely gotten in the way of my success.ย I’m trying to adopt the attitude you have.ย Thanks for the reminder!
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Thanks for this, Matthew! I’m just getting ready to ask some people if they’d like to spread the word about a free teleseminar I’m doing, 3 Simple Steps to Light Up Your Life.ย This is a great reminder of how I want to ask and from what place within me.
I have only recently allowed myself back into the arena of asking. For many years I received exactly what you described, because I didn’t believe I was worthy of thier time.
Times are different…and I am learning that out is ok to not only give help, but ask for andreceive it as well.
This comes at a good time fkr me as I am beginning a new project..
Surely will need to put this lesson into practice.
Knowing how to ask for help is one of the most important skills a businessperson can have! In my book, I talk in particular about how the “Caretaker” personality type has trouble with this skill, and this post is great for those people.
Great post, Matthew! Very well written with some wonderful insights. Thanks for sharing your experience – it’s helpful to all of us reaching out and asking for support. I hope your book is a smashing success!
Amen, Joy
Practice. That’s a great way to think of it.
Matthew.
Many of us were raised with humility as a value and because of this it’s challenging to ask for support in the workplace. The scenario of asking for help then really does make us vulnerable as humans.
Good on you for asking for help. But better yet for asking clearly and directly the second time. I don’t think you were really playing big but I do think you were direct, clear, and authentic, which made replying much more compelling.
Thanks for you inspiration and Congratulations on your book!
Very interesting idea that you don’t have to give to receive. I was always taught that was polite but I see how that can trap you. It traps me too because when people give freely to me I am suspicious or have a hard time taking it without giving something back. Thanks for your post!
This helped me accepting “no”
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Thank you for this wonderful wisdom. This was just what I was looking for.
Hello!
We don’t know you. But still decided to write
you. The case is that my 3-year-old sister cerebral palsy, medical malpractice
birth she was injured for this reason, the child is now an invalid. Yes fully
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Unfortunately, the government does not help us, in Russia there are almost no
free medicine. Had to ask strangers and ask for help. At the moment she learned
to sit on the chair, stand about support, two handles to take toys. Now trying
to crawl. We collect money for rehabilitation in Lviv center of doctor ะะฐะดะบะพ (Lviv + exit summer courses in Crimea), the value of
which 3 weeks $ 5,000. You may be able to help us, or know where to go. Thank you in advance.
ะะดัะฐะฒััะฒัะนัะต!
ะั ั ะฒะฐะผะธ ะฝะต ะทะฝะฐะบะพะผั. ะะพ ะฒัะต ะถะต
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e-mail: viktori_b.v@mail.ru
how do I ask a girl out and what if she says no,please help me out
I am asking for help please!!! http://www.gofundme.com/42vkkw?preview=1
how we console that person….. when he will saw the video where the person who was dad is in the video??
Hello my name is Annmarie and i am asking for some help to start up my own cleaning business i am working but i cant make it i am living from pay check to pay check i lost one job and about to loose my home. i have two children in school i am trying but i just need a push in life or some one can give me a chance in life. i know wont regreat it. please i am asking for help and thank you.
My family. My name is Zina I have three children Kate 2 years, Olga 4 years, Paul for 15 years, my husband Oleg was killed in the Donbas. I and my three children stayed on the street, our house is divided, we have nowhere to go. now we are in Moscow, I work as a cleaner at the station, earn 17,000 rubles ~ $ 250 a month, good job I can not get, no papers to work. I rent a room for 11,000 rubles~ $ 180, there is nothing to feed children especially little ones. Please help me! I cry every day and don’t know what to do! I have no Bank cards and phone, I have not. Right now I’m writing from my son’s phone. He was registered on the website web money and created a wallet. we will help every kind word, prayer and every cent. Thank you!
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Mr Jim
Hi I’m Mildred my email is mild68_leo@yahoo.com. I would like to ask your help regarding a letter to convince my director in my work (male) to transfer me to other unit even my unit is under staff because I’m not happy anymore to my department. Kindly help to convince in my letter.
Hoping for your immediate response. Thank You. Have a good day.
Mildred Patino
How can I ask for help from my cousin whom I want to help me with tuition at college .???please send the feedback to my email address
My usual thing in asking for help that if I feel like a burden, I probably am. Some people (and I’ve known quite a few) just are simply unable to offer help in a healthy way – they complain, behave as if they’re put out and it’s an imposition, and use asking for help as an invitation to criticize, offer unsolicited advice or assume they’re being asked to “take over.” (In fact, I’ve found that people who
consistently offer unsolicited help are looking for opportunities to do all of the above.) When I get a reaction like that, I’ve gotten to where I don’t argue or mention it -they’re doing exactly what they want to do and I can’t change that. I just don’t ask for their help again. Complications do arise if they ask ME for help. I love to help people, but I’ve found that offering them help tends to make me unhappy, as I have already learned they can’t give in return. Sometimes relationships just need to not involve asking OR giving. Maybe it’s just time for them to end. That’s fine.
Please i need a cleaning job to survive,and to help build my life thanks
One hand you are right. Yes, I am busy. On the other hand, what should I talk to you?
How do I get there from somebody I do not know before.
This has enlightened me thank you
Someone has access to your screen problem ๐ please help me ๐ ๐ฅน
Someone has access to your screen problem ๐ please help me
Please ๐ ๐ help me please ๐ฅบ