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How Technology Makes It Easy to Flake Out (And How to Stop It)

Texting

“If it is important to you, you will find a way. If not, you’ll find an excuse.” ~Unknown

How many times have you made plans with friends, only to receive the dreaded, “Sorry, need to reschedule” text just minutes before you were meant to meet?

Is it any wonder that you get tired of trying, that you struggle to feel secure in relationships?

But before we get carried away castigating others, let’s take a look at ourselves. We hate it when other people bail at the last minute, but do we do it too?

As humans, we have an astonishing capacity for denial. People I love and respect tell me how much they despise it when other people text and drive. Then five minutes later, what are they doing? Texting and driving.

Many of us use our phones and social media accounts to flake out on our people, and it’s messing with our heads.

That’s why every major world religion emphasizes a version of the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. When left to our own devices (pun intended), we are really bad at it.

Much as I dislike when other people flake out, I’ve done it. I did it to my friend Jozzy a few weeks ago. I’d verbally expressed interest in attending a book group he led, speaking as though I’d be there. In fact, I even put it on my calendar. But when the day arrived, I was feeling exhausted.

So I messaged Jozzy and told him the truth: I didn’t have the energy. He was gracious and forgiving. It would have been easy to forget about the incident, but I took a closer look. What had happened?

First, I didn’t take a pause before committing. Instead of realistically assessing my week, I let my enthusiasm take the reigns. You might say, “You couldn’t have known that you’d be exhausted!” But a cursory glance at my calendar told me otherwise.

Next, I took my own words too lightly. Before messaging Jozzy, I’d spent a few minutes pretending that I hadn’t ‘really promised’ anything. This made it easier for me to go back on my word.

You could argue, “You just made a casual agreement; it’s no big deal!”

I understand the lure of this reasoning, but I don’t bite. If we can’t rely on one another to mean what we say, then we don’t have much of a relationship.

Technology also gets us into trouble by making it easier to renege on our commitments. And if we don’t resist that tendency, it can erode the fabric of our friendships.

Years ago, if you wanted to cancel an engagement you’d need to speak to the person you were letting down. Now, you can tap a text or change your status with the swipe of a finger.

As psychologist and author Andrea Bonoir writes in There’s A Modern Affliction Ruining Our Friendships – And We’re All Guilty Of It, “Technology makes it so much easier to flake out … It’s infinitely easier and less awkward than having to talk to someone by phone or, worse, tell them in person.”

Yes, technology makes it more convenient to flake out and lie. But that doesn’t make it right. So the first and most important thing for us to do is walk the walk.

As Alex Cornell jokes in Cellphones Are Making People Flaky as #%@*, most people fall into three categories: latecomers, no-shows, and optimizers (that is, people who won’t commit to your plan until they’ve scoped out every other possibility first).

Cornell says, “… There is potential for a fourth category—those that show up on time, but … this is unlikely.” In other words, people who do what they say they will are rare.

Be that unlikely person. People will respect you for it.

But what do you do when you’re on the receiving end of repeated flake-outs? Martha Beck’s paraphrase of the Golden Rule is helpful here: “Never let others do to you what you would never do to others.”

The next time a friend bails on you yet again, don’t swallow your anger and pretend that it didn’t affect you. Your time and trust matter; when they’re trampled upon, it hurts.

Emergencies happen, and everyone makes mistakes. I’m not talking about such isolated instances here, but rather a pattern of getting left in the lurch. If that’s what you’re dealing with, say something.

People only get away with flake-outs because we are too scared to call them out and set the necessary boundaries:

I care about our friendship, and it’s not okay that you are consistently late. If it happens again, I will leave after [X] minutes. I need to respect my own time.  

I love you, and I find it so frustrating when you cancel our plans at the last minute. Please either show up when you say you will, or don’t make plans with me at all.

You are allowed to value your own time. And when you begin to respect this most precious currency, you’ll teach others to do the same.

Texting image via Shutterstock

About Caroline McGraw

Caroline McGraw is the creator of A Wish Come Clear, a personal development blog that gives you carte blanche to change your life. Visit and receive free copies of her three digital books, designed to support you as you make mistakes, fall down, and dare to rise again. You can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter.

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Black Bart

This is such a great message. Let me add another spin to it. I work in sales. My company sells really expensive and fancy software to huge businesses. Coca Cola and the US Federal Government are clients. We have a rep whose whole job it is is to manage MASSIVE deals of $5M or more. One time, the CIO of a very respected brand promised him they would meet at 8am PST in his offices. So, our rep flew all the way across the country, found am Uber, got himself to the building and was 15 min early out of respect for the client. 8am came. The admin asst shows up and apologizes saying that the CIO needs 5 more minutes. Then 5 minutes later, he needs 10 more minutes, then 10 minutes later he needs 10 more minutes. So, it’s almost 9am. My buddy has a return flight that day because he has other deals to do back on the east coast. The CIO finally shows up and without any apology or acknowledgement of his total lack of integrity around the meeting start time, he brusquely ushers my friend into a room. Before they even sit down, my friend makes a call to the ceo of our company, tells him what happened, listens, nods his head, and hangs up. “We have decided that we do not want your business.” The CIO cannot believe what he is hearing. “But we are prepared to spend millions with you.” “Right,” says my friend, “but we are not prepared to tolerate a person or firm who is an hour late to every meeting.” With that, my friend gets up, walks out, with the CIO, a man who is a multimillionaire in his own right, BEGGING him to stay and do the deal. My friend says that he can’t. He has other customers with appointments to honor. The CIO was fired by the board, stripped of a large portion of his stock, and humiliated in the industry. He’s probably an insurance salesman with Liberty Mutual now. All because he was 40 minutes late, did not acknowledge it and did not restore his integrity. Our software is so sought-after and necessary for so many businesses and his board knew this. He royally screwed up and there was a million dollar consequence, a rich man is now a broken man, his family is terrified of the future, and God knows how many other ripple effect impacts….. moral of story: don’t be that guy. Show up on time. Treat each friendship like you would a multimillion dollar business deal and show some respect for the other person. Great post. God bless.

IBikeNYC

Wow; your rep and company sound so NEEEEEDY!

(EYES ROLLING MADLY.)

IBikeNYC

And the third time you do it to me — WITHIN TWENTY-FOUR HOURS OF MY TELLING YOU HOW MUCH IT HURTS ME — you’ll have to figure out for yourself what happened.

(I guess we’ll be in touch again when and if we both, somehow, end up in the same place at the same time.)

Black Bart

You really missed my whole point. Needy? I don’t even know why you used that word. My friend, the rep, had a deal with the man. We have standards. Our CEO sent the message that we will not be kicked around by a large company. Our software is the #1 best in the world for its category – security. Our main solution has not been breached ONCE in FIFTEEN years. So, are we a little high on ourselves? You betcha! Was the rep “needy”? I don’t even understand why you chose that word in that context, but thanks for your input. (EYES ROLLING MADLY) LOL.

IBikeNYC

Okay; this was probably me.

I was being SARCASTIC IN THE EXTREME when I called him “needy.”

Seems like nowadays expecting people to OMG do what they SAY they will and then being pissed about it when they DON’T is called “being needy.”

Where I come from, FAILING to do what you say you will is called “being RUDE.”

Black Bart

Ahh… I see your point now. And I would tend to agree. Yes, people BADLY misinterpret someone who demands that others act with integrity as being needy. In my view, our society (if you are American.. I don’t know… I am) has dissolved into a pool of slime with few people with actual discernible values or a working sense of integrity. When I was 12, I saw it all start to unravel. People were getting divorced left and right. It used to be that it was weird to be a divorced person. Now we have a whole generation that is, what? 60% divorced? People who have kids who are so selfish so as not to be able to keep a marriage together are running the US. It’s no wonder we have taken such a drastic slide in so many areas, especially in the sense of integrity and civility… or as you point out “rudeness”. So, Thanks for your clarification. It’s not your fault or mine. It’s hard to read sarcasm on these online exchanges!! LOL! Good luck out there in the urban jungle. Be good and keep your wits about you while you bike NYC.

IBikeNYC

This looks like as much of a soapbox for you as it is for me.

My response to all those “Busy” people out there is that they DO keep SOME commitments (like, oh, their job), so clearly they CAN.

I WOULD LOOOOOVE TO WORK FOR A COMPANY LIKE YOURS!

(Need a well-seasoned office manager who’s seeking a living wage?)

(Yes; I am, in fact, a dyed-in-the-wool Native New Yorker! I grew up learning how to jaywalk, switch subway cars while the train was going, and navigate traffic in a four-speed Peugeot in this place; I EAT WITS FOR LUNCH! LOLOL!

(Thank you for your encouragement; best of luck to youse!)

Caroline McGraw

Wow, what a story! It definitely illustrates how our being on time (or not) sends a message to others, and that message can impact our interactions in significant ways. Thanks for reading and for commenting!

Sohaib ahmed

Good article I to get pissed off when I make plans and people let me down. I know I’ve done it a couple of times myself. It’s the reason why I don’t make promises or hesitate towards doing it. I am trying to improve myself though.

Caroline McGraw

Thank you Sohaib – glad you enjoyed the piece. And I can relate, as I’m definitely trying to improve in this area as well. Thanks for reading!

Sarah

Bullshit story

Sarah

A true business professional would have turned that deal. I know I would have and in the future that client would have been bullet proof, lessons would have been learned. A man would not be out of job and still be able to support his family and have a future. My husband and I own our own company and not once had any client been late or cancelled an appt. as we set the tone in advance.