“When something bad happens you have three choices. You can let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you.” ~Unknown
Relationships are tough. Even more difficult is maintaining healthy boundaries within a relationship.
My head hurts and I feel like I’m going to throw up. Let me explain. I’m in a loving, healthy relationship with a beautiful woman, and I’m proud to call her my partner.
Great, so why do I feel like I want to throw up? Well, because last night was a tough night for us, for me, and today I have an emotional hangover.
Here’s the breakdown. She was going to her girlfriend’s house for dinner and girl time. Great. I was home cooking myself dinner and doing a little reading and television viewing. Great again.
I sent her a text at 9:40 asking if she was having a good time. No response. Okay, no worries. An hour and a half later, worries—a head full of them.
Is she okay? Why no reply? Did I do something wrong?
She always replies to my texts. Always. So why not now?
Good question.
A healthy response would’ve been to tell myself she’s having a great time and will call when she’s on her way home. I didn’t have a healthy response.
I leaked. Leaked all over the place. Leaked as in my boundaries were nowhere to be found, and hence what should have been kept in my head instead leaked all over our relationship.
I texted a pissy good night text saying I was going to bed and hoped she was having fun. Tough to tell tone via text, but anyone could have seen that I was pissy.
A leak = poor containment. I wasn’t containing.
She replied!
She said she was having a blast and that I was entitled to be upset. Not good enough. By now I was shaking.
Containment breach! Containment breach! We have leak in the dam.
I couldn’t stop. I texted her saying her behavior was anything but normal. That she always texted me back.
This didn’t help. Stop Zach! I couldn’t.
The scared, wounded little kid had his hands on the steering wheel. He was in charge, not me.
I called her. Told her how she had hurt me, that her lack of communication triggered my abandonment issues.
I blamed her for my own stuff. Great boyfriend I am. Actually, I am a good boyfriend; I just had a tough night.
My lack of containment led to my leaking all over the place, all over her. Bad boundaries, it happens to the best of us.
Here’s the growth. Yes growth. There’s growth all over this and I’m thankful for the opportunity.
Today I can own my part, which was assuming, taking things personally, lack of containment, and blaming. My breach of containment led to all of this. There’s growth because I can see my part, learn, and make amends.
There’s growth because although I have an emotional hangover, I know in my heart that the relationship is not over. In years past I would have shut down and never recovered from something like this. Not the case today.
As my therapist told me (yes, I texted him about this), we have to make mistakes to learn and grow.
Sometimes containment means holding back our own crazy and being the functional adult who can move beyond it. Other times we leak looking for the other person to be responsible for us. It’s about practice and progress, not perfection.
Relationships are tough, but I’d rather say relationships are rewarding if we’re willing to look at our part and do the work. It’s a daily practice. And not just with a significant other.
I’m talking about relationships in all areas of our lives: work relationships, sibling relationships., relationships with our parents—all of this and so much more. The biggest for me is relationship with self. I wasn’t taught growing up how to like and love myself.
I was taught that everything is my fault and that I don’t matter. Makes having a loving relationship with myself tough work. It’s a daily practice, as mentioned.
If daily is what’s needed, then daily it is. Some days are better than others but still daily, nonetheless.
I call it re-parenting.
I call it love.
About Zachary Goodson
Zachary is a writer, a coach, and a heart-centered entrepreneur who loves helping others. His writing focuses on his experiences around holistic health, inner child work, addiction, recovery, spirituality, and fatherhood. His coaching is devoted to helping people experience deep fulfillment in relationships, career, and life. You can connect with him at zacharygoodson.com.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
On one hand I am glad you have found this event to be a positive learning curve in your relationship. But on the flip side I can’t help but feel sorry for the girlfriend in the story.
I know that if I had a boyfriend who sent me ‘pissy’ text messages because I failed to respond to him after a satisfactory time period, well he wouldn’t be with me for too much longer. And the telephone call? How embarrassing for your girl in front of her girlfriends. It shows you have a deep lack of trust for her and do not respect the fact she is entitled to an evening out without you. She didn’t reply to your text? Give her a break, there could be tons of genuine reasons as to why – one being she was busy having fun with her friends. Go find something else to do.
I wish you all the best and hope you can work on your insecurities and relationship trust issues. I write this from a female perspective and hope you don’t take offence from my honesty.
Becky– I completely understand where you are coming from too. I have been on both sides of this spectrum where I was the one getting pissy messages and I have been the one to send them too.
Yes, there are insecurities surfacing in the moment;
however, I don’t think it’s from a lack of trust per say. I trust my boyfriend
100% and when he goes and has guys night I am always there to encourage it. I
won’t usually impede on his night, but I have told him if he could call me or
text me that he is safe if it’s after midnight, that I appreciate that. It’s
not a requirement of him, but I always feel a sort of relief when he takes the
time to do that. Of course, there have been occasions that hasn’t happened and
I think I need to work on my high anxiety response because thinking the worst
will never help. There is a difference between checking in to make sure
everything is going good and being obsessive about it. I don’t think Zachary
was being obsessive, but it’s all a matter of opinion.
I agree completely, Becky. I respect the author’s honesty; I have my own batch of insecurities within a relationship. However, I think the “healthy boundary” here would be to not even text your girlfriend when you know she’s at a friend’s for dinner. You can ask her if she had a good time when she returns. Why interrupt her while she’s out having fun? That seems selfish and smothering to me. But to each his own, I guess.
Thanks Becky. No offense taken but I would like to say that I do trust my girlfriend. 100%. She’s a loving kind gentle partner that holds space for me and I think it shows trust that I can be vulnerable with her(after the fact).
This wasn’t because of her or anything she did. It’s my own stuff. I lost my mother when I was 3 1/2 and it’s a scar that runs deep and is easily triggered. I just had a real bad night containing it.
Becky – he recognizes his behavior was anything but healthy. As someone who has definitely been the one to get pissy and not keep it contained, I SO appreciated this post. He’s not defending his behavior, but doing what he can to change it. I definitely don’t feel sorry for the girlfriend – she is lucky to have someone in her life who is open, emotional and vulnerable. So many men (and women) aren’t. To me, it sounds like they are both lucky they are with someone they can connect on a deep level with, and I am not talking about perfection, but growth.
I can really feel this and am glad someone else gets it too. Because I get really worried/anxious if my boyfriend (very rarely) doesn’t let me know what time he’s coming home or his pattern of behaviour deviates from normal. Mostly because I’m worried something bad has happened to him or he’s angry at me (even though he almost never is). I think I got this kind of “Where are you? What’s wrong?” worry from my mum, who is the same way with me still even though I’m an adult. An overactive imagination and an overly quick fear of having upset other people is at fault! So I’ve found the way to cope with it is just to sit it out, and realise that sometimes unusual patterns of behaviour are going to be explained soon and probably will be all right, the other person is just caught up in their work or their friends. So I think the upset texts you sent to your girlfriend are ok as long as they weren’t exorbitantly pissy (little bit pissy is normal), and as long as she’s understanding and you talked it through afterwards. The only way to get past this kind of upset is to press the “stop” button as early as possible and go really slo-mo with reacting.
Thanks Beth for your response. Pressing stop early is key. So true. When you come from the childhood I come from getting “triggered” happens. It’s a matter of catching it sooner rather than later. Hitting the stop key. I sometimes say the word pause out loud. Reminds me to slow down.
This is probably the best article I have read in a long while. Maybe because I have had an exact similiar situation happen in my own life recently. “A healthy response would’ve been to tell myself she’s having a great time and will call when she’s on her way home. I didn’t have a healthy response..”.I do this from time to time and I myself am aware that my responses are not “healthy” sometimes. When I worry, my mind goes a million miles per hour and it’s hard. In this state, I have to constantly remind myself that A. this feeling will NOT last. And B. I will hear from him, I just need to focus on being with myself for that time. Thank you for sharing this. No one is perfect and we all have our faults, but being able learn and grow and continuously be aware of our faults and growth is what counts. Thank you
Thank you Mariel for the kind words. A million miles an hour…..yep I get that. The inner crazy as I like to call it. What I’ve learned is that we all have a part in things. All I can do is look at my own part, make amends when needed, and keep working at being the best me I can be. Thanks again.
I agree that we need to contain our reactions but if I am being taunted and outwardly mocked by someone for having these triggers I should find me someone who is willing to look the other way until my trust and comfort increase.The key to remedy these insecurities is trust. Trust in the self, trust in my partner.This for me requires waiting a little longer to sleep with a guy and lots of transparency about my needs until I can handle my anxiety. Yes I am growing yes I need time to improve. Love is patience and understanding. If the partner doesn’t understand I either have the wrong partner or his intolerance and impatience needs an adjustment. Is he willing? The choice is his as much as it is mine. If the latter than after I give a heart felt apology for my fraility he doesn’t send a text while out and doesn’t send a future based message….indicating he will be seeing me in the near future then he should not be with me but be with a Libertine or someone who has a handle on their emotions or worse pretends to not care thereby lying to him and herself. In time this need for extra care will dissipate. In time I can trust. The need has been met when the two parties agree on strategy that doesn’t over step the non-insecure partner’s personal right to go out with her girlfriends.
Thank you so much for this honest and raw post. It totally resonates with me, I can totally relate! : )
Thank you Esther. Happy to read that people can relate because when in the moment it feels like I’m on an island all alone.
WOW WHAT AN AMAZING POST!!!
Thank you Ellen
Awesome words above, thanks for sharing that. Self love isnt easy & I can def. relate… same w.the abandonment issues, I give you lots of courage for choosing to live the way you do, def. inspirational.
Thanks Michael. Not easy at all. Some days better than others. Sounds like you can relate. Stay strong and keep working to be the best you for you.
Thanks for sharing this openly and honestly. I leak in a variety of situations, and it takes courage to be vulnerable in this way. We aren’t perfect – we are doing the best we can at any given time. Moments like this remind us of the areas in which we are still growing. Grace for the journey…
Thank you Sarah!
A similar situation happened to me a few months ago. My boyfriend at the time went to a wedding a few hours away. After the wedding, at the reception, we were texting back and forth occasionally, as we always did. Then suddenly, nothing. I didn’t hear from him for hours. Then at 3 am, he finally texted me and apologised, saying he was sorry and that he was talking to his friends.
I did get pissed. I was really mad.
but I later forgave him and we went on with our relationship.
Later on I found out through someone else that he cheated on me that night.
so can anyone please tell me how can I ever trust anyone again? I honestly trusted him and loved him more than anything.
im so lost. I feel like I just cant believe anyone anymore. It’s not the first time I’ve been cheated on, but I thought he was really different.
What do I do??
Oh, honey, I am so sorry to hear that. As someone who has experienced multiple relationships where the other has cheated, I understand it’s heartbreaking and shakes you to your core, causing doubt that true love exists or if monogamy is just a pipe dream. All you can do is take care of yourself, be kind and loving to your heart, and try to the understanding that another person’s actions have nothing to do with you. Ever.
There is no such thing as “you made me do this” or “you made me feel so insecure that I had to sleep with someone else.” No. Whatever the excuse is, we all make choices and those choices affect those we are in relationship/friendship with.
It sounds like you have a solid handle on how not okay his actions were, namely, a) lying, b) cheating on you. I will also say that in my experience, cheating is not a spur-of-the-moment action… it’s been in the works for a long time (maybe not with that specific person but with the idea of a fantastical someone else). I think it starts with emotional openness to others outside of the relationship; the need for attention, the adrenaline of attraction/flirtation, etc. However, emotional monogamy and physical monogamy are both necessary in a trustworthy relationships. Emotional openness outside of the relationship can lead to physical cheating. Both are cheating, in my opinion. In that sense, I would venture to say that he was “cheating” on you for a long time before the physical act.
But this wasn’t about you. It was about him and his character and his choices. What sucks is that you are stuck with the pain. (But he definitely loses too due to his lack of character and losing you.)
The best thing for you to do is take care of yourself and your hurting heart. Cry, talk to friends (or even better a therapist) about your feelings. Feel all of your feelings. Journal about how you are affected. Find positive, productive ways to fill your time and give you a sense of meaning and wholeness. Try not to “future trip” and go into the question of “how will I ever trust again?” All you have is today. And today you are healing. Trust will come over time, when someone earns it from you.
Trusting another person is only possible when we have a strong alignment with our inner selves. Nurture yourself into a deeply seed self-trust. That will only set you up for success and genuine connection (without abandoning yourself) in future relationships.
Take heart….
Thank you so much for the advice 🙂
Hello AW! I am sorry that this happened to you! You have to take care now of yourself and of your broken heart. But trying to control the other person, constantly texting looking for re-assurance is not healthy and drives other people away. I have experienced this on my own because I have the same issue like you. I think that in general you should trust, but be careful with trusting two times. In general if your boyfriend was at a wedding, the normal thing to do is to leave him enjoy and he should call you the next day or something like this. Texting constantly only gives you a fake feeling that everything is under control…and you cant never control how the other person behaves. I just cut whatsapp/facebook/texting with my boyfriend because I realised that it brings us more problems than anything else. You seem to have a pattern of choosing guys that will cheat on you? Is it possible that the guys are different but in fact they all have something in common? (like being the “player” type…I dont know…)
Whenever I’ve been insecure about the idea of a partner cheating, my friend advised me “Give someone enough rope and he’ll hang himself.” Earin hit it on the money – if someone is going to cheat or deceive you, no amount of checking in or monitoring his behavior is going to stop him.
So sorry to hear AW. Sarah said it beautifully…..”Trusting another person is only possible when we have a strong alignment with our inner selves.” I too have been cheated on. Doesn’t feel good at all. Stay strong. Nurture yourself. Love yourself. You did nothing wrong.
Thank you everyone. I really appreciate the help
THANK YOU for the play by play into what happens when we are left alone with our thoughts! Haha. I just told my boyfriend this the other night. I said while I know I am 100% responsible for the amount of crazy that pops into my head and that it is completely my job to manage how much “leaks out,” however, the more time that goes by without actual factual information from you, the crazier the thoughts run wild. He agreed that it is my responsibility to control these thoughts and how much they “leak out” but that it was helpful to know what is happening on my end while I am waiting to hear from him and that he will try to be mindful of that going forward.
Thank you for sharing too! Love that you were able to sit with him and be vulnerable.
Love this!
thanks Vee
“the sad little kid.. Is in charge” . Perfect description. As someone with AI, it’s hard to stop it once it’s in motion. All logic and restraint goes out the window when something triggers the old wounds.
So true Vee. It’s a wound that runs deep by the loss of my mother at an early age. Growth for me is catching things when they come up.
Thank you so much for sharing! I am dealing with similar challenges. I have struggled to connect to people in my life. I am starting therapy this week to address these issues.
Therapy has changed my life. Congrats on taking this amazing step…for you. Best of luck on your journey.
Thank you!
Well, to say that this incident qualifies as something bad happening to you is a stretch. It might be better for our learning to say that something happened that pricked my fears and then I behaved badly, withholding my love. The cause of suffering in this situation is fear, fear that cooks up all sorts of distortions. Love is shunted off stage, as misery demands full attention, wanting attention and rescue. These “something bad happened to me” incidents can only be ended by whipping one’s fears once and for all.
Hi Gary. Something bad did happen when I was little. My mother passed away. I’m at the stage of my life where I’m strengthening myself by working on these deep routed fears. This particular night with my partner was a result of those. Thanks so much for taking the time to reply.
Zachary! I love the honesty, that you are a guy sharing this, and that you recognize it was your “leaking”, not your partner’s actions, that were upsetting you. You are human, doing your work and sharing your lessons. Perfectly imperfect! Good on ya’!
Thanks Kara!
Great article! often we are so caught up with the expectation of what we can get from a relationship but forget about what we can give and learn from it.
I’m currently working on my fear of abandonment and uncertainty with the help of meditation.
when the occasional insecurities starts kicking in, i am able to tell myself that i am loved even when i’m completely by myself alone.
I hope you continue to grow, love and build a great relationship with your inner child!
Thanks Cindy! One day at a time. Appreciate the support.
Thank you.
Zachary, this article resonates so deeply with me. But rather than tell you all of the reasons why I feel my experiences have been similar, I want to acknowledge the courage it takes to be so honest and vulnerable about some of the most intense and emotional exchanges within your relationship. These are extremely difficult things to discuss in this type of a forum, and it is easy for us as readers to react with statements that begin with “Why didn’t you..”, “You should have..”, “I would never have…” or “What I would have done is…” but the reality is that we cannot know how we would have responded in the same situation, because we are not you and we can never experience what you described in your story. There is not a single person out here who has not suffered, struggled and said things or done things that they later wish they hadn’t, but you took the time to to be open about yours and to try to pass on the wisdom you have gained. I personally, have learned from this post and found it refreshing to be reminded that I am not the only one who struggles with transparency and communication in a relationship. Thank you for sharing your story and please keep doing so.
Faith thank you for the kind words and for taking the time to share them.
Zachary, this post made me laugh — not a funny “ha ha” laugh. It was a relieved laugh, relieved to know that I’m not the only one who is messy. Logically, I know we are all messy. But I don’t always *know* it, and I definitely don’t own it. I’m uncomfortable with it. And when you read lots of uplifting self-love websites and books (like I do — because I’m trying to learn this stuff), they make it look so peaceful and fluid and NON-MESSY. And when you feel like you’re the only messy one, it sucks and it feels like you’re failing epically. So, thank you for your willingness to be messy and honest for us. I needed that reminder that I’m not the only messy one.
Agreed! I felt relieved, too. I leak and seep and I always feel bad afterwards but I’ve found that as time goes on and my self-awareness grows stronger, the leaks and seeps are more easily curtailed. Messiness is part of the growing!
Thank you both for the kind words. None of us are alone. That’s the beauty of this. Our heads can tell us we are the only ones but that is so not true. Thank you for taking the time to comment. I wish everyone of here all the best.
Zac,
Interesting thoughts you were having there.. What I’ve realised/learned from a relationship or 2 is that irrespective of your actions, emotions or words the other person is likely to go ahead with their actions.. As you have probably felt and mentioned you felt they were your issues not your girlfriends..
I am learning to detatch myself from the outcome and accept what happens as all a part of the experience, this is not always easy and sometimes I question if this is the right way.. Ultimately though I am finding I will have to be willing to be alone and learn how to make myself happy before anyone else can.. What are your thoughts on this?
Cheers
Jef
Thinking more about this and reading the comments, why should your girlfriend be obliged to reply when she is having a good time? If you were out with your friends and having a great time watching a game or playing sport, would she expect the same from you and how would you feel in this situation if she were to end up “pissed” at you..
To me I see you may need to talk to someone qualified to work through those issues.. All the best though, hope it turns out well for you
I thank you for taking the time to comment Jef. I agree with you on needing to be alone in order to be happy with one self. I did that work. I was single for close to 3 years all along working on self love and being the best me I can be. Hard work but very rewarding. All the best to you.
Good stuff Zac, I very much used to think similarly to you in this story, I would worry if someone a girlfriend or someone I was dating wouldn’t reply or cancel.. I’m concerned I have gone too far the other way now, it does cross my mind but I simply focus on other things i.e. my own business, work, fitness and distract myself.. I also find having a support network i.e. friends online and in real life is a great way of not becoming too concerned
What are your thoughts on this.. Hope I didn’t seem harsh in my comments, I can appreciate that it takes guts to put thoughts like this out there (good on you) 🙂
Didn’t seem harsh at all Jef. I appreciate all that you have shared. I have a great support group/network. Problem is I didn’t call any of them the night of this article. It’s a learning process for me. Healing that can only take place while in a relationship. Great suggestions from you. Thank you.
Thanks Zach, sometimes I feel I come across a bit tough, unintentionally :)..
Liking the look of your blog as well, I subscribed and will check it out..
Cheers
Love it. Thanks Jef!
I’d like to thank everyone who took the time to comment and or share your thoughts and feelings. Thank you for the support.
I resonate with your story & your honesty. It takes great courage to accept & take action in these situations. Ive found myself that my relationships become stronger from admitting my part and moving forward. thank you for your words of truth
Thanks Cheryl!
Zachary, I saw myself in this post.
There’s part of me that used to get triggered every time I saw my parents. The part that felt unworthy of their love.
This doesn’t happen anymore because I’ve healed that part by going back into the original scenes of my past that created the faulty beliefs and emotions in the first place.
When our parts act up, they are asking us to heal them. They are asking for love and reassurances from our highest selves of today because they never got it when they were younger.
These parts adopted extreme faulty negative beliefs and emotions from toxic experiences. When we bring these young wounded parts into our hearts and give them the love and reassurances they never got, the healing can be instantaneous.
This deep and powerful little known modality of healing has positively changed my life because it got to the source of the original hurts and discarded the emotions from the wounds for good.
When these parts overturn their faulty negative core beliefs of rejection, abandonment, worthlessness, etc. we will no longer be triggered because these parts have been healed by our highest loving selves of today.
Thanks for the feedback Emily. Sounds like you’ve done some amazing work. Work that I’m in the process of doing as we speak. In hind sight, I didn’t do a good job parenting myself that night. I let the little kid run the show rather than myself. Sounds like you’ve done some amazing work.
Zachary,
If you want to know the exact process of how to do it, you can click on my name and it will take you to where there is a free ebook to guide you to discard the emotional baggage for good and get you out of your “frozen part” of the past.
When you heal through this little known powerful process it’s like the brain has been “emptied” and “erased” of the old data and you will be reprogrammed for good.
The twitter profile it will take you to has the link to the website.
I love this post, because I found myself in a VERY similar scenario. You never see it at the time but you do learn to personally grow from this type of situation. While things did not work out in the end I can attribute a great part of who I am today to my experiences with that significant other. Thank you for sharing 🙂
Thank YOU for sharing Dave. I’ve found that there is always room to grow if we are willing to take a look at our part in things. Sounds like you did. Thanks again and best of luck.
Ah beautiful! Actually, it makes me feel “better” knowing that there are men out there going through this, too. I am exactly the same. And I really try. I really, really try. And as you say, you learn from it. This anxiety over losing your significant other can literally make you lose them because it’s a pressure to hard to handle. Knowing that in your head, sometimes all you can think about is what they are doing, why they are not texting, why they don’t understand you, is something you might not always want to share. Rather it is good to talk to them, tell them that these insecurities stem from within yourself and not from their behavior.
Thank you for being so open!
Thank you Helen!
Following a divorce, I sort of accidentally ended up in a long distance relationship.We have to navigate our relationship via text messages and phone calls, and trips to see one another for the meantime. I can write text messages that he doesn’t reply to, and it’s taken me so much emotional energy to learn not to freak out about that. I have to have faith that 1) he’s out there 2) he’s just HIM, and he doesn’t mean anything negative by it at all 3) he’ll write eventually. or he’ll call. Or I’ll get over myself and write again, and he’ll write. My past experiences taught me that if someone ignored texts (not like you describe in this article… in a habitual no-reply way) they just weren’t that into me, but getting to know that guy has meant changing my perception on that count. And dealing with the fact that I need -constant- reassurance, while he’s terrified of being smothered.
Hrm…. thoughtful.
Faith and containment. Sounds like you’re doing great Lisbet. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for taking time to comment.
Thanks a lot for this article! It applies so much to my own situation. Being in a relationship (what ever kind of relationship) is continuous hard work. It takes diligent practice and a lot of faith and will to fight for something better. Well, actually like anything in life, you will reap the benefits of the hard work, not now, but later.
Constant growth….love it! Thanks for sharing Filitech. So happy to hear that so many of us can relate. None of us are alone.
This is honest, authentic and raw….keep doing that Zach…we’ve all done our own version of this..and those who think they haven’t …well they just have a little more work to do…you never entirely get rid of that wounded little boy within you…but in time..often supported by the love and understanding of a significant other..and with the honesty and willingness that you already possess.. Your healthy adult self…who is obviously already present…he’s the one who wrote this article…begins to emerge and reassures the wounded younger you that he’s got this…that he’s actually always been there for you..and always will be…and just like that .. You learn to trust the adult you already are.