āAnd some days life is just hard. And some days are just rough. And some days you just gotta cry before you move forward. And all of that is okay.ā ~Unknown
Over the years Iāve built myself a bit of a reputation as āthe emotional one.ā
I was always the first to cry at weddings, and that included my own. At that one I barely stopped throughout the ceremony! And as soon as Iām beyond the half-way point of any good holiday, itās inevitable that a pretty epic sob is waiting in the wings.
At this point I should probably mention that Iām a forty-three-year-old male. I also live in the UK, a country thatās proud of its āBulldog spiritā and āstiff upper lip.ā What this really means is that weāre a country where many people are uncomfortable with their own emotions, and shockingly bad at processing them.
That brings me on to the point of this postāand itās a happy post. Iām delighted to report that in the past few years Iāve come to see the true value in being able to cry, and being unashamed to do so.
This doesnāt mean Iām somebody who has frequent public meltdowns that make people uncomfortable! In fact, itās quite the opposite. Iāve reached the point where Iāve learned to recognize my own internal pressure valve. I know when it needs releasing, and know how to do it in a private, dignified, and healthy way.
Human beings are the only animals with the ability to cry. It clearly has a purpose, and it doesnāt take much research to discover it has serious benefits, both mentally and physiologically. Crying is thought to reduces stress hormones and relax the nervous system.
There are alternatives to crying, and we see them all the time: unhealthy behaviors, addictions, outbursts of anger and violence, and patterns of arguments and disharmony.
That takes me back to the whole āstiff upper lipā thing. Emotions have to come out somewhere, and in my experience itās the people who are fixated on being āstrongā and āmanlyā who live lives cluttered with arguments and hangovers.
On balance, Iād much rather have the ability to cry, and no shame in doing so. Recently, I feel Iāve learned to take it further than that to the point that I can use crying as an extremely useful tool in my mental health armoury.
So, what got me to that point? The answer is simple: fatherhood.
My oldest son has just turned seven years old. And heās very much like me. Itās a much-misused word, but heās a āsensitiveā lad. Heās hugely empathetic, and a wonderful gentle soul. Heās also very sentimental andāagain like meāas likely to be touched by joy as by sadness.
Like everyone else in the world, weāve had a challenging time since the pandemic began. One of the hardest parts has been navigating the children through it. This means dealing with their lockdown loneliness, but also constantly working out what to tell them so theyāre as protected as possible without us insulting their intelligence.
Another part of this is recognizing when itās all getting a bit much for them.
I can pretty accurately predict when a āmeltdownā is incoming for my son. And I always ensure that Iām there ready for him when he wants to let the tears out. I encourage him to take as long as he needs. I cringe when I see parents saying, āthatās enough now,ā or worse.
None of this means Iām trying to raise a child whoās constantly in tears! But I am trying to raise a child who knows that having a good howl is a wiser and more evolved way of releasing emotion than punching somebody in the playground or having an undignified argument.
While Iāve been teaching him this, Iāve been learning myself. Just as Iāve learned to predict when he may soon need to ālet it all out,ā Iāve become much more attuned to when I need to too.
I have some mental health issues. Anxiety is the main one, with a generous scattering of OCD and some periodic depression as the cherries on top.
One thing that indicates my mental health is in trouble is when I canāt cry. Depression is often misunderstood. For me, when itās at its worst, it manifests as being emotionally empty and numb.
In fact, āthe big cryā often marks the turning point in a spell of depression. It means Iāve started to feel again. Iāve learned the pattern over many years, and itās now got to the point where I can say āI need to cry.ā
And thatās a really powerful thing. I know what I need to do, so that empowers me to consciously try to do it nowadays.
As weāve already established, crying can release stress hormones and calm the nervous system. Who wouldnāt want to do that, especially during a spell of poor mental health?
The trouble is, far too many people are conditioned to feel ashamed of showing emotion. But itās not like I phone all my mates and say, āIāve been feeling a bit low, so Iām setting aside an hour today to go in the bedroom with a bunch of sad songs and some tissues.ā
This last happened just a few days ago, and I did tell my wife my intentions. That in itself involved a little embarrassment and vulnerability. But when I re-emerged a little later, she said that I looked like a different personāwith a bounce in my step and colour back in my cheeks.
Thatās why Iāve written this. It is deeply personal, because nobodyās ever proud of having a good cry. I canāt help wondering whether that should change.
I am proud that my children donāt have to live in a house where there are needless arguments. A home where we process emotions in a healthy wayāa way that humans alone have access to.
So get that ācrying tunesā playlist ready. Learn which old photos set you off, or which films are certain to āhit you in the feels.ā And donāt be afraid to tuck yourself away for a while and use the power of emotion to enhance your mental health.
To be clear, this isnāt a weapon I have to deploy frequently or publicly, but itās one Iāve come to love having at my disposal. Itās there for you too, so donāt be scared or embarrassed to make use of it. The alternatives may be more popular with the āstiff upper lipā crowd, but they donāt benefit them, or the people around them.
Let it out.
About Ben Taylor
Ben Taylor is a UK-based IT consultant, freelance writer and blogger. He runs a self-improvement site at TinyLittleChanges.com, and provides advice to home workers at HomeWorkingClub.com.