āSometimes we motivate ourselves by thinking of what we want to become. Sometimes we motivate ourselves by thinking about who we donāt ever want to be again.ā ~Shane Niemeyer
When I faced the prospect of no longer drinking anymore (at age twenty-one!), after eight years of heavy boozing, I had so many questions about my dating life.
Will I be fun anymore? Will I have FOMO? How will I cope with stress? What will I drink on dates? Will anyone want to be with me? What will sober sex be like? Omg!
These questions paralyzed me, as I couldnāt imagine my life without alcohol, yet I couldnāt imagine my life with it either. I put down the drink and with it, I thought I surrendered my desirability and compatibility as a potential partner.
That couldnāt have been further from the truth.
Over time, Iāve realized plenty of people donāt mind that Iām sober; some even like it or are sober too. Ultimately, I found I didnāt really care what others thought because I was okay with myself.
The reality was, slowly but surely, getting sober healed my dating, sex, and love life for good. Hereās how.
Feeling My Feelings
Gosh, alcohol seemed to solve everything. Stressed? Drink. Excited? Drink. Sad? Drink.
I’m face-to-face with reality without picking up the bottle every time I have a feeling. I donāt get to check out. Itās a good thing, honestly. It means I feel the spectrum of feelings and am present with them, which helps me work through those feelings in a healthy way.
I recently went through a breakup, and it destroyed me emotionally. Even though I was the initiator, I felt so many feelings.
I spent the first few weeks running from my feelings by trying to meet people on dating apps (what a joke that was at such a raw point!), but I quickly realized this wouldnāt serve me. I had to face my feelings head-on.
Now, itās been almost two months, and Iām still sad, but Iām feeling the sadness. Iām leaning in to let the sadness visit, then leaning out when Iāve let it visit for long enough. I know now that the best way to move through sadness is to let it unfold within me, not fight it.
Owning and Releasing My Stuff
Alcoholism stunted my growth as a human. I think when I got sober, mentally, I was like sixteen instead of twenty-one. What sobriety has given me is a chance to catch up with that emotional maturity.
I can take responsibility for my actions, knowing when something is my fault and when I owe someone an apology. For example, if I raised my voice at my ex-partner, I owed him amends or an āIām sorry,ā and I apologized promptly.
I can also own when I donāt have a part in things and, instead, have to figure out what isnāt mine to carry. For example, I felt some guilt and shame about the traumatic aspects of my childhood, but this is not my stuff. Iāve learned that I need to let that go.
Emotional maturity teaches me to make sense of what to own and what to reject as not mine.
Becoming Okay with Being Alone
When I was drinking, I was terrified of being alone. I was cheating on my partner because I couldnāt be with him but couldnāt be without him either.
Once I got sober, I spent many years practicing being by myself. I took myself on dates to beaches and bookstores, learned proper self-care through relaxation and gentle but necessary productivity like doing my laundry, and learned that I’d be okay no matter what happened.
I realized I was a lovable human being and that I could love myself.
Iām alone again a few years later, and although I donāt love it, Iām thriving in solitude. Iām rediscovering my passions, such as yoga, writing, and spending time with loved ones. Iām embracing myself because Iām realizing Iām worth it.
I canāt be with another person until Iām whole again, and Iām just not there yet. Today, I try not to use other people to escape my feelings through rebounding. So alone time it is.
Engaging in More Communicative Sex
When drinking excessively, it can be challenging to have consistent consent. I was assaulted several times during my drinking days, and although I never deserved that, I put myself at risk by blacking out and drinking to excess.
Now, I have incredibly communicative sex. I donāt settle for anything less than enthusiastic consent.
When I sleep with someone, we talk about it before it happens and make sure we know each otherās boundaries and needs. We communicate clearly during and even after. Itās magical! Sure, you donāt need sobriety for this, but with my drinking habits, I did.
Getting Additional Support
Getting sober in an alcohol twelve-step program made me realize I needed another twelve-step program for sex and love. I came to find out that, although getting sober did a lot for my sex and love life, more healing was necessary to level up. So I joined Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous, where they taught me self-love and how to date in a healthy way.
They taught me how to avoid behaviors that harmed me, like having sex with randos and chasing unavailable people. In the evolved part of my life with my ex-partner, they taught me how to set boundaries and accept love. Now that Iām alone, Iām learning again how to face it.
Final Thoughts for Others
I have nothing against alcohol; it just didnāt work for me anymore. I was binge drinking, blacking out, cheating when I got too drunk, waking up in strange places, and just generally making an ass of myself. I was most definitely ruining my relationships!
If you think you have a problem with alcohol, there are many resources for the non-drinker. I personally found Alcoholics Anonymous to be the most helpful, but whatever works for you is what you should do. It might just heal you and your relationships.
About Ginelle Testa
Ginelle Testa is a passionate wordsmith. She's a queer gal whose passions include recovery/sobriety, social justice, body positivity, and intersectional feminism. In the rare moments she isn't writing, you can find her doing yin yoga, thrifting eclectic attire, and imperfectly practicing Buddhism. She has a memoir coming out with She Writes Press in September 2024. You can find her on Instagram.