āThe mind is the place the soul goes to hide from the heart.ā ~Michael Singer
āYou think youāre so much better than me!!ā
As this phraseālaced with contemptāexited my mouth, I recognized the familiar words. I had grown up hearing this phrase often. The ārich people,ā the girl who won the competition, the inconsiderate neighbors, the rude supervisorā¦ āThey think theyāre so much better than us.ā
So, I diligently spent my childhood trying to prove them all wrong.
I wore myself out trying to be the smartest, the best, the prettiestā¦ you name it. I wasnāt going to let all those losers be better than me, or my family. No way!
But who was I really fighting against?
The answer is no one.
In truth, I was fighting against my parentsā belief system, which came from their own childhoods. I was fighting their ghosts from the past. But I didnāt know that at the time.
I had no idea I had carried this belief system into my own adult life. After exhausting myself trying to prove I was worthy as a child, I then spent decades working on self-improvement and personal growth. I had moved beyond all that silly limited thinking.
Or so I thought.
Until that day in the kitchen with my husbandā¦
In my mid-fortiesā¦
When he politely declined to eat the meat I had prepared for dinner.
Suddenly an uncontrollable rage welled up inside me, and I screamed at him, with tears streaming down my faceā¦
āYOU THINK YOUāRE SO MUCH BETTER THAN ME!ā
My mind immediately starting playing endless clips of all the times my husband had demonstrated his assumed superiority over me. I was completely triggered and unhinged, so I bought into it.
As I continued on with my ridiculous fit, another part of me, a more detached part, asked this simple question: āWhere is all this coming from?ā
Immediately, I recognized the familiar phrase. I knew exactly where it came from. I stopped my raging in an instant and excused myself to the bedroom.
Once there, I took the energy away from the mind and into the heart. There was no need to analyze it. No need to further engage the mind in its joyous rebuke of my innocent husband.
Michael Singer has a quote that I love. āThe mind is the place the soul goes to hide from the heart.ā We donāt want to feel those painful feelings, so we rationalize them endlessly in the mind. But, thereās another option. I placed my attention in the heart, disengaged from the continuing chaos in my mind, and allowed the energy to release.
Minutes later, I went back to the kitchen, feeling much calmer, and apologized to my husband. Peace was restored. I had also progressed spiritually by releasing some of the stored garbage that had been hiding in my heart for decades.
Iām now to the point where I can be grateful when my husband hits a nerve, presses my buttons, triggers me, or whatever you prefer to call it. Iām only able to release that old stuff when it gets hit and brought to the surface. Otherwise, it just lays there, dormant, silently waiting for the perfect opportunity to erupt. Like a volcano.
We all know the feeling of that volcano when it erupts without notice. Those closest to us are the most adept at causing an eruption. They can so skillfully and predictably hit our stuff.
We eventually realize that an intimate relationship is like a mirror. Our partner has an uncanny ability to reflect back to us the parts of ourselves that need the most healing. If we understand this, we can learn to use the conflict in our relationship as a catalyst for spiritual growth.
We can stop the blame and anger. Instead, we feel immense gratitude when we find yet another old wound in need of healing. This is how we grow spiritually together. And, in the process, we create great connection and intimacy.
In an intimate relationship, we are like two rough pieces of sandpaper, constantly rubbing up against each other. Over time, if we use this process to our benefit, we become smoother. Then, our relationship reflects back to us this smoother, gentler, happier version of ourselves.
We donāt get so triggered anymore. We chill out. We are able to enjoy life and each other. Peacefully. Joyously.
About Shannon Alexander
Shannon Alexander, MBA, M.Ed. is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Board Certified Relationship Coach. Her sole focus is helping women repair their broken marriages to make them better than ever! Individual and group coaching is available. Book a free call to talk directly to Shannon at lifeisyourguru.com
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
This is especially true for individuals who have been abused and have trust issues. i.e You’re going to turn out just like the loser I used to be with, you’re secretly gossiping behind my back etc.
Yes, Exactly friend š
This is fantastic, using conflict as an opportunity to reflect what in us needs āhealingā š
I soooo related to this article. I am literally in tears. I love Michael Singer. I went to his property last December, and sat through a whole meditation with him. It was ahhmazing. He speaks the language of so many hearts. I left there, absolutely in awe of his peace and wisdom. His journey of complete soul teardown got him to the peace he holds and shares today. I’ve been in the same scenarios the author described. I am doing work on my inner child now, taking the time to heal during our lockdown. When I am triggered by words my husband may say to me, I usually can identify it’s mostly from my childhood. I am 49 years young, but can erupt into rage within minutes and react like I am 4 again. Seriously. Then, have to make my amends once I release that anger. It’s a secondary emotion. Primary is FEAR. Always fear. Im grateful to be mindful of this today. Thank you for this blog. I’m in gratitude this early Sunday am sipping coffee with my beautiful mate by my side who loves me, no matter what. Seen me at my most absolute sobbing, snotty, makeup running mess, and still knows to come and hold me until I lie limp in his embrace- having cried out the shit that got to the surface, and then released. Discover.. Disclose.. Disgard…šā¤
Also, I signed up on your website, breathe to inspire. Went on your website and read a couple blogs. Would love to send you some of my writings pertaining to my recovery and personal growth!
š„āā¤ššššš thank YOU.
Such an expressive woman š I feel you deeply my friend
Thank you, kind sir! And your sharing also lets me know I am not alone as well. We have all been there one time, many many times. My anger lately has seemed to stem regarding what others are doing during this lockdown we are under. As I sit in our beautiful, but tiny little home, I boil with rage reading articles about those who are out and about, and also watching my new NY neighbor defy his new Florida resident restrictions of a 14 day quarantine. I have to stop, BREATHE, and remember the only power I hold is over myself, and keeping me safe. As I ponder those who may become ill unknowingly due to other’s carelessness and choices, I again have zero power over that as well. It is amazing to me how quickly I can shift attention off myself and onto other’s behaviors. I read today that judgement is a sign of my own character. I believe I do not read these things by mistake. Lol! Have a beautiful day and stay safe my friend!
Okay sure Kelly š I would love to interact with you comment on any of my blog post.. we will continue from there. Stay safe my friend.
thank you š
Thank you Kelly for this. You speak of the root of anger always coming from FEAR. You are so correct, when I lose my shit, if I can slow down and be honest with myself, I can identify the fear behind everything. It mostly comes down to wanting control or fear of losing control. I have come to believe that sometimes I am just a scared little boy posing as a man. Reading what you shared above, it helps me realize that I am not alone and it is ok to be afraid. Thank you.