“The main affliction of our modern civilization is that we don’t know how to handle the suffering inside us and we try to cover it up with all kinds of consumption.” ~Thich Nhat Hạnh
Since I was little, I’ve been taught to avoid what’s “bad” and move toward what’s “good.”
Growing up, my mom would work day and night not only to support me and my little brother with the basic necessities, but to give us a “good” life.
She loved us, so naturally she wanted to support us and to give us happiness, and she was obsessed with the idea that if she grew her business we would all have just that.
She went from selling clothing she sewed in our home to interested buyers to moving millions of dollars of merchandise, made by teams of sewers, to other companies who sold it for her.
Everything was in an effort to help keep us away from the “bad” and give us the “good.” If anything, she taught us that money was definitely a primary focus (or so I thought).
I learned to draw a clear distinction between good and bad, and that I’m supposed to react a very specific way toward one (sadness, anger, fear toward those things I didn’t want—the bad) and a very specific way toward the other (joy, happiness, feelings of peace toward those things I did want—the good).
I lived so much of my life trying to minimize, even eliminate, the bad and amplify the good as high as it would go, following the example that was set for me.
But I didn’t get anywhere.
At certain points, things looked better for a time, but then something would happen and mess it all up. At that point, I was left with no energy to continue and wondering if it was even worth it to try.
Oddly enough, we can have some of our most peaceful moments when we give up all efforts at trying to find or acquire happiness.
Up until now, I’ve been talking about myself. But this isn’t just about me, is it? No, this is our story—all of ours.
We’ve all been taught to avoid the bad and do whatever we can to attract, or move toward, the good.
We’ve also been taught to react negatively to those perceived “bad” things and positively to those perceived “good” things.
The thing is, good and bad are concepts created in our mind; they’re not reality.
To divide reality in this way is what’s called “duality,” and it’s the misconception that there’s this imaginary separation between things that really doesn’t exist.
It’s harmful to live by duality, to imagine that the sorrow we feel when a loved one dies and the joy we get when we smell a flower are separate and unrelated things.
There’s a saying that goes, “Without the mud, there can be no lotus.”
What this means is that without our suffering, without the difficulties and challenges we’re faced with, we literally wouldn’t have the capability to experience peace and joy.
Our pain and suffering is the very soil within which the flower of our true potential can grow.
Five years ago I was filled with stress, anxiety, and fear.
My first son was to be born in a matter of months, and I had no idea how I was going to support my family. I could barely pay my bills, let alone be an example for my son, having still not accomplished anything of value in my life.
But by accepting my challenges fully and openly, with love and compassion, I became liberated. My mind became clear and my challenges became fuel for the fire of my love to burn and become bright.
What initially seemed like a great challenge turned into my greatest source of motivation, the motivation to get out there and do something my son would be proud of. And in that moment, my challenges were transformed into great sources of peace and joy. The bad became the good.
It’s because of the sorrow, the anger, the fear, and the regret, frustration, and stress we feel that we’re able to experience the joys that life has to offer.
Pain and suffering and peace and happiness are literally one and the same, more of a spectrum than two separate and unrelated things. Without one, we wouldn’t have the other. Knowing this, you must learn how to accept your pain and suffering and transform it.
We’re the lotus bud waiting to awaken to our true potential. If we can learn to accept our mud (our pain and suffering) openly, honestly, and compassionately, we can transform our very relationship with it and realize greater peace and joy.
Sometimes, we do things we regret. Sometimes, people do things to us. And sometimes, things happen that will effect us for years to come, or our entire lives.
No matter how you suffer, no matter what type of pain you feel, accepting it as the bed in which you will grow is a liberating shift in how you see the world.
Many times, simply making the conscious decision, “I accept this suffering,” instead of running from it or trying to push it away as we’ve been taught to do, can bring us much peace and joy.
This isn’t about some special technique or practice; it’s simply about that mental shift—making the decision in your mind to honestly and compassionately accept everything that comes your way, good or bad.
You can use this simple mantra to empower you during tough times and to remind you to accept your pain and suffering with open arms:
I see you here ______ (fear, anger, sorrow, stress). My arms are open wide. I accept you fully, with love and compassion.
It’s with this pain and suffering that you’ll blossom into a beautiful lotus.
Accept these challenges as opportunities for growth and you’ll realize the true peace, joy, and freedom that exists beyond the concept of “good” and “bad.” “Good” things happen when you stop resisting the “bad” and instead allow it to transform you.
Man in field image via Shutterstock
About Matt Valentine
Matt Valentine is a father, husband, and a self-published author. He writes weekly on his blog, Buddhaimonia.com, about everything from spirituality to self-mastery. You can get his eBook, The Little Book of Mindfulness, free by joining his newsletter here.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
I’ve never understood this, I guess. It seems to me that if we don’t have pain and suffering, then we are in eternal peace and joy. Also, for those who believe in higher realms, we are told there is no pain and suffering in the higher realms – we all want that!! Maybe all of this pain and suffering was actually not necessary, but we humans created it with our free will and making bad choices. Maybe we are finding our way back now, but we never needed to go this deeply into this nightmare, but it was part and parcel of this game we chose to experience.
Thanks for commenting Shannon, I really appreciate your honest response. 🙂
I was “raised” in the Zen tradition, and learned that in so through the direct experience of mindfulness and meditation practice (really just living, full awake, in every moment) we can touch the real nature of “good” and “bad”. And by that I don’t mean it’s something I’ve read in a book and have come to believe, but rather that I actually practice this within my life (I hate to talk about something I myself don’t actually follow).
It’s that there is no separation between the two, even so that what we consider “good” and “bad” is not only based on our perception/conditioning and never really everything we see them to be (or more than that), but also that in a very real way they don’t exist as two different things at all, and that there’s a middle point we can come to which transcends both to a place of peace and equanimity through acceptance.
This isn’t to be confused with giving up the thought of happiness though, but rather that happiness exists in not grasping onto these ideas of what we think is good and what we think makes us happy and arriving to the truth through actual direct practice as opposed to creating theories with our critical thinking mind.
You’re right about us creating our suffering. That’s part of what’s considered karma in Eastern wisdom traditions. We create our suffering and our well-being. It goes beyond just us to all those we’re connected with in a ripple effect, but we effect ourselves first and most deeply. But this isn’t some mystical idea, it’s really cause & effect and the compounding result of all those causes and effects (it goes very deep).
And yeah, we never did need to go this deep. But, it’s so difficult to imagine a life where you can come to the realization of the futility of it all without first experiencing it first-hand. For me, it was experiencing so much (of what I see now as) needless stress and anxiety that allowed me to realize this. Without those experiences, I’m sure I’d still be banging my head against a wall.
You are so welcome, Matt. I have studied the Zen tradition among others, and have come to that way of thinking much of the time.
As far as coming to acceptance of “bad” — well, I just have to take that on faith, and in the moment, just let it be and not get into resisting it.
Some understanding is just intellectual – I accept that this realm is “duality” and that it is “illusory” though can’t say I yet know what “reality” is.
I tend to see more questions and exceptions with all that I ponder. For example, we cannot realize some things without experiencing them, but then sometimes we can learn from just watching others.
I think I ask questions which still cannot be answered from our limited perspective here, but I’ll still bring them up, always hoping I can “get” something or just inch a little further in my understanding. Thanks for your thoughts, and I continue to enjoy your newsletter.
Thank you for this Matt. I’m at the lowest point in my life at the moment, feeling like there is no hope for the sun to shine again. I ask everyday for some sort of sign that my life will go on and be good again, and this appeared. So again thank you for the faint light in the distance.
So glad to hear this could help in some way Lisa. I know how tough it can get. The light is never further than the darkness. Where there is darkness you can experience the light, as long as you know how to look, to see the light -in- the dark.
This is often easier said than done, and the ability to do so needs to be cultivated, but the possibility is always there. No matter how dark it gets, in this moment there is always the potential for peace and joy.
Thank you for the support and the thoughtful reply Shannon, I love a good discussion. 🙂
I want to believe this is true but it’s learning how to do that which may be as difficult as the suffering. It’s the long term peace that I want to be here and now. I am new to this so correct me if I’m wrong but I think I must learn to live life in the moment and achieve peace with that.
Yes, when I say light I don’t mean a light at the end of the tunnel but a light which exists now, in this moment. It’s full acceptance of this moment and realizing the peace and joy that exists in even the darkness.
And it does take work, that’s something I always tell my students and readers, but anything in life worth anything takes work. The choice is continue to suffer or to begin the hard work of turning in to your challenges and working to gain clarity.
Right now though, that might be a lot to take in. Pick one or two baby steps you can begin taking, likes sitting for a few minutes in meditation or walking mindfully for a few minutes a day (there’s so many things you can do), and commit yourself to those things for the next few weeks.
With time you’ll begin to feel a little relief from the “hold” these challenges have over you, as if you’ve created a little distance. Then things become easier.
From there, you can take more baby steps like making a phone call, just getting outside (if that’s a problem), or doing a little “life cleanse” as I like to call it where you assess your personal, recreational, and professional sources of consumption (negative influences, essentially) to see what’s bringing you down.
Remember, just start with some baby steps. And make sure you’re consuming in a way that nourishes your well-being instead of pulling you down (personal associations, T.V., social media, other internet, other smartphone activities, magazines, etc.). I hope that helps. 🙂
It does help very much. I’d like to continue to do that and hope this is the start of my journey to peace and happiness. I downloaded your book and signed up for your newsletter as a start. Thank you for taking the time to help a complete stranger. Peace to you.
Glad I could help. 🙂
Nice article – we try to teach this as part of any treatment for depressive illnesses. Bad things are bound to happen to everyone and it’s acceptance of these that form the basis for lasting happiness.
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Thank you, glad you liked it. 🙂
Thank you Matt. I really enjoyed reading your article, and I found it very useful. Have a nice day. 🙂
Thank you Ophelia, happy you liked it and found it useful. 🙂
The wisdom of your expression is profound. Thanks.
Although I understand that the lotus grows from the mud, I do not wallow in it.
Embracing of the dark side is one thing, but going all the way down, one can get stuck.
Going up a mountain and getting out of a hole both involve climbing.
I shoot for balance, but currently am emphasizing my strengths rather than trying to patch up all of my weaknesses.
Glad you liked it Don. The middle way is always best, I agree. 🙂
Thanks for sharing your story Matt. Like any wonderful parent we only want to be sheltered from harm, hurt or pain. Unfortunately all that we try so hard to prevent is only a natural part of life. Everything in life has to balance out and so there has to be bad if there is good. How then could you tell what is good if bad never existed. There has to be balance in life. Thanks for sharing this great post with us.
Very much agreed. Thank you for reading Rose. 🙂
Thank you Matt. It was a good reading and reminder that what is ‘bad’ is really not that bad. :-).
Glad you liked it Mahesh. 🙂
Great article Matt. I’ve been dealing with some health issues and I don’t believe my healing efforts really began to pay off until I learned acceptance. As soon as I stopped resisting the present moment & got into the flow of things, I felt such peace and I think that’s also allowed me to heal! Also loved your point on duality – I think our culture really focuses on the analytical. Labelling everything as better, worse, good or bad, when really it’s all perception and not reality!
Acceptance means embracing the painful parts of ourselves with compassionate consciousness (mindfulness). The more we bring mindfulness to our pain, the faster that pain will change and heal.
Peter Strong, PhD
Boulder Center for Online Mindfulness Therapy for Anxiety and Depression.
Author of ‘The Path of Mindfulness Meditation’ (Amazon, Kindle). Inquiries welcome!
Acceptance means embracing the painful parts of ourselves with
compassionate consciousness (mindfulness). The more we bring mindfulness
to our pain, the faster that pain will change and heal.
Bravo!