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Happiness Doesn’t Make Us Grateful; Gratitude Makes Us Happy

Thankful

“In daily life we must see that it is not happiness that makes us grateful, but gratefulness that makes us happy.” ~Brother David Steindl-Rast

A few years ago, my life was chaotic. I drank too much, slept too little, and always went with the flow. I didn’t look out for myself emotionally and physically. I burned the candle at both ends and eventually wore myself out.

I often felt depressed. After my parents’ divorce when I was 18, I lost the closeness I used to feel with my family. My entire focus was on what I didn’t have anymore.

I was in a never ending loop of feeling depressed, turning to alcohol, disappointing the people closest to me, then feeling more depressed. I had envisioned that I would grow up and my parents would still be a part of my life, but instead I felt like everyone was going their separate ways.

My dreams of my parents being there for my future wedding were dashed. Celebratory events in my life would never include both of my parents. I was frustrated. It was draining and costly to my soul.

I wasn’t aware of it then, but I also carried around so many regrets and resentment from childhood. When I was 7 years old, a stranger abused me during a field trip with my ballet troupe.

The shame and confusion I felt from this experience followed me like a dark cloud. I regretted being too scared to tell anyone. I think in some ways I resented the fact that no one was able to help me.

When my parents divorced I felt abandoned and it brought back a lot of those terrible feelings. It was like I was slowly imploding. I thought about the past and talked about the past while completely missing the present.

After years of letting this build up inside me, it finally hit a breaking point. The hurt I was causing myself and family had boiled over. Something had to change.

I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2011. The world as I knew it came crashing down.  When you’re told you have a life-threatening illness it’s interesting how quickly everything else falls to the side. Time stands still and the past disappears. All you have is now.

Being thrust into the present I no longer had time for resentments or any negativity at all. I needed all of my energy to fight for my life. Everything I carried with me for so long seemed insignificant to the battle I was about to face.

Treatment for cancer can have a way of de-humanizing you, at least at first. It strips you down to your basic core self. I felt like a child most of the time. I was completely dependent on my doctors.

It was like I was scrambling around in the dark, reaching for a hand to pull me out. I was vulnerable and had zero control over the outcome.

I think sometimes in life we walk around with the illusion we’re in control. To some degree we are, but when faced with an illness you can very quickly be brought to your knees.

We have a tendency to take life for granted. We just assume we’ll wake up everyday and be healthy. I got so comfortable with the day to day of my life that I forgot what a gift it actually is. It took almost losing that gift for me to finally open my eyes.

Toward the end of treatment I felt reborn. All of the negative feelings I had about my parents’ divorce faded away. I was finally able to just let it go. My spirit felt calm. I felt optimistic about life again. My spirituality was soaring at heights I had never experienced before.

Through sickness I found myself. I discovered who I really am and what I’m really about.  I was flooded with forgiveness toward my parents and I was ready to ask for forgiveness for all my crazy behavior.

During the course of cancer treatment I was able to mend and rebuild my relationship with my parents. I now have happiness that I only dreamed of before. I realize now how much time I wasted being unhappy and I’ll never do it again.

I wake up every morning grateful to have another day, to have another chance at this wonderful experience called life.

I make it a priority to eat well and exercise. I rarely drink. I have a disciplined sleep schedule. I go to great lengths to take care of myself on an emotional level, everyday. My body really held up for me during treatment and now I’m paying it forward!

Recovery from cancer has not always been an easy road. I won’t pretend there aren’t any bumps. My new outlook on life doesn’t allow me to wallow in it; instead, I count all my blessings and keep pushing forward.

I feel like I turned the most negative experience of my life into a positive experience by taking the lessons I learned while sick and really making the necessary changes in my life. I’m thankful to be given a second chance.

And, the life I had envisioned for myself? This is what I figured out. I don’t have to hang on so tight for something that isn’t working.

By letting go of the one that wasn’t working, I naturally created a new vision. This is one of the most freeing things I have ever done for myself. My new vision is attainable, my new vision is already happening. I’m living it now.

Instead of focusing on what isn’t working in your life, give some love and attention to the things that are. Take a mental inventory each morning of all the things to be grateful for.

You will soon notice the negative way of thinking will begin to shift and you’ll be able to experience the happiness that is waiting for you.

Photo by Zaiq Ali

About Miya Goodrich

Miya Goodrich is a writer, housewife, animal lover, and Cancer Survivor.  She’s working on becoming a first time mother in her late 30’s, and writes about this journey on her blog,  http://www.babyaftercancer.com/.

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Anders Hasselstrøm

Dear Miya,

Inspiring and touching story.

You have had experiences, which shouldn’t happen to one single person in a lifetime. I’m happy to read your thoughts. Thanks!

Best,
Anders

Thank you, Miya. It took me a long time to realize that gratitude is a state of mind, not a sugar-coated list. Here is a post I wrote on it: http://piercingthebubble.com/2013/11/27/an-unconventional-gratitude-list/ .

I’m glad you have recovered your health, and I’m glad that you have learned to live in the moment and see the rose amongst the thorns. Thank you for sharing.

Josh

‘Instead of focusing on what isn’t working in your life, give some love and attention to the things that are’ Thank you so much for this reminder,

Anna Puchalski

After reading this piece I thought back to some ideas that I came out with after reading about what people with confidence do differently. A powerful point was they treat failure differently, as a part of life, and focus on how to turn it into a positive. Your story was courageous to share, and your strength admirable. Personally, showing self-compassion and self-love to oneself has been a powerful tool for growth through hard times and changes. Thank you for your story, Miya!

Miya Goodrich-Phillips

It took me awhile to get there, but once I finally did, life became a whole lot lighter 😉

Miya Goodrich-Phillips

Thank you for reading!

Miya Goodrich-Phillips

Thank you 🙂

Lesa Bean

Miya, Kasi always said you were a good writer! Thank you for sharing! With Kasi’s journey, I too have found gratitude to be a daily state of mind, not a list you write down once a year. Thank you for sharing your journey~

Miya Goodrich-Phillips

Thank you Anna! You’re right, self-love and self-compassion are key to getting through hard times…

Miya Goodrich-Phillips

Thank you, Lesa! It all takes practice I think…on really hard days I start (gratitude) with the little things and they roll into the big things. I miss Kasi and feel she’s a part of my journey too…I never would have made it through treatment without our regular chats and share sessions. She was so funny and uplifting and pretty much made everyday better when I talked to her.

Cal

I enjoyed reading this, Miya. Thank you for sharing your life experience. I’m sorry to hear about what you went through. Your article rang a bell with me, my family situation used to be worse and I was never thankful/happy for anything in my life due to that, my jobs, and other failed relationships. After the past 1.5 years of depression, low self-worth, doubt, fear and hurt, now is the first time I can envisage an optimistic future. Gratitude –> positivity and happiness indeed.

Alexey Sunly

So wonderful to hear that you were able to achieve such a great progress with your lifestyle habits and take on such an enormous challenge in your life! I am sure you will be able to accomplish even more wonderful things with your life in the future :-))) (y)

shawna

Thank you so much for sharing your story. Don’t ever underestimate how much your words can bring light into the lives of others. May your life be love. <3