Hang Up the Superhero Cape: We Don’t Have to Do It All Alone

“When we can no longer change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” ~Viktor Frankl

In the spring of 2008 when my son was only seven months old, I received a text message from his stay-at-home dad while I was at work. The text read, “He’s in the crib.” I did not respond because those five words said everything I needed to know.

My son’s father had left us, and worse, he had left my son alone in his crib. I was at work fifteen miles away. 

Adrenaline is an interesting thing. I don’t remember many details about that day except the text and the number of red lights I drove through to get to my son. Four.

No one is ever prepared for events like these at any time in their life. Trauma, loss, and adapting to change are hard for all of us and for the people around us, as well.

I come from a family culture that encourages “being strong,” which translates roughly into not asking for or needing help and continuing on with life as if all is well—at least on the outside.

In fact, I have spent most of my adult years cultivating a life of self-sufficiency and independence, and I approached this experience no differently. I went into action mode and didn’t allow myself too much time to think about or feel the emotional impact of what had happened.

I did not miss a single day of work through all of this. I just woke up, did what I needed to do, and went to bed. Every day.

When my son went through a superhero phase, I wore the outfits too. It fed the image I had of myself as able to take on anything life wanted to throw at me. And I could even do it in white vinyl boots.

Self-sufficiency worked well for me in the past as a single person, but not as a single parent.

Facing this new life that involved another person (my son), using my old coping skills, slowly caught up with me in the form of health issues, depression, and problems with relating well with others in almost every area of my life.

It become clear to me that something had to change. But I was not ready to let go of the idea that I could handle everything. If anything, I thought what I needed was more money, a different home, or maybe a different job.

On some deeper level I knew that I had to internally change, but I convinced myself that to do so was impossible with my current life situation. I had to be strong.

Instead of starting up the face of what I perceived as an impassable mountain, I clung to the hope that something external would change and I could do life the way that I had always done it.

I did not or could not see that holding on to my old way of relating to the world was requiring far more energy and resulting in far more pain. I was not living self-sufficiently. I was still in survival mode, which is never a viable long-term solution.

But then, as often happens to the most stubborn of us, I hit bottom. I was ill, alone, and worried about my son’s future, with or without me.

That was when I finally embraced the possibility that I could completely let go of and live my life without ground under my feet. This would require me giving up my current self-image. And I had no idea what the outcome would be.

What I learned was that by making these internal shifts, my life would improve without anything (or anyone) changing around me.

Hang up the superhero cape.

I became willing to let go of the idea that I could (or should) do everything, be everything, and handle everything on my own.

Notice that I said, “Became willing.” I hung up my superhero cape and relinquished the badass title. But the cape is in the closet and I admittedly peek at it now and again. I just don’t let myself put it on unless it’s Halloween.

Engage in a daily mindfulness practice.

I went back to a consistent yoga and daily meditation practice.

When I stopped the constant activity and started paying attention to what was going on inside of me, I began to notice how quickly things come and go if we let them be. Happy, sad, joyful, anxious—here now and then gone.

This daily practice has helped me learn to stay in the moment and not take my thoughts very seriously. So, when the urge to put on the superhero cape returns, I gently say, “thinking.”

Practice gratitude.

I began to accept my life the way it is rather than hoping it would one day change. By practicing mindfulness I spend less time in my head planning how I would like things to be one day.

When I wake up in the morning, before I get out of bed, I say thank you and smile. I do the same when I go to bed. It is such a small act but with such profound results. Try it.

Give freely and receive freely.

The giving part is pretty easy for me. But asking for and receiving help is still an ongoing challenge.

Staying in the moment helps identify the feelings that arise that try to convince me that asking for help is a sign of weakness and that receiving help makes me a burden.

The truth is that giving and receiving help are two of the greatest gifts we can give to ourselves and to others. When we drop the superhero cape and receive from others, we are allowing them an opportunity to be of service, feel good about themselves, and to improve their karma!

Don’t take life personally.

It takes a lot of useless energy to determine why things happen. I could spend hours replaying the events of my life with different endings, wondering what I could have done differently or trying to determine who is to blame.

The truth is, no matter how much we try to exert control, we will all face challenges and we will all experience suffering at some point in our lives. No one is exempt from pain. No one.

In fact, taking some time to recognize the extent to which people suffer is a useful exercise that helped me develop acceptance of my own situation and allowed me to develop compassion—for myself, for my son’s father, and for others.

It’s a spiritual work-out.

Many people have great ideas to help you in this process but few talk about how hard it can be. It can be hard, but not as demanding as being a superhero.

It also feels, at times, very confusing to travel a great distance in how I respond to the world only to find myself completely lose it—I mean really get hooked back into the old ways one day with a partner or at work or in traffic.

Don’t get too caught up in an end result. If thoughts come up about what a waste of time all of your efforts to date have been, just notice them and gently say “thinking.” You might need to say, “thinking” a few dozen times. This is good. It is all good.

Breathe.

Probably the single most important thing you can do to change your life for the better without changing a thing around you. Take a deep breath.

Let it be.

Photo by Zach Dischner

About Laura Slakey

Laura is a former superhero who still flips the bottle at the water cooler when no one is watching. She has a master’s degree in psychology and has worked with survivors of domestic violence, and with individuals and families taking their lives back from the effects of addiction. She currently manages a program for first-generation, low-income and underrepresented minority students studying the sciences at UC Berkeley.

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