“You could have grown cold, but you grew courageous instead. You could have given up, but you kept on going. You could have seen obstacles, but you called them adventures. You could have called them weeds, but instead you called them wildflower. You could have died a caterpillar, but you fought on to be a butterfly. You could have denied yourself goodness, but instead you chose to show yourself some self-love. You could have defined yourself by the dark days, but instead through them you realized your light.” ~S.C. Lourie
As the memories of my childhood flash within my mind, I am brought back to a place in which I did not know if I was ever going to be happy. Happiness, stability, and love seemed so far away and out of reach that I met each day with overwhelming sadness. I longed for peace, I longed for someone to understand, and I longed for someone to save me.
No one really knew what was going on behind closed doors with my mom. She was a tyrant who emotionally demolished anyone who got in her path. My siblings and I were her constant targets. Due to her nature, she isolated us from family and friends and only brought us around to make her look good and build up her ego. The classic case of a narcissist.
You see, it was not until many years later during my adult life that my mom was officially diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder.
If you are unfamiliar with this diagnosis, it is someone who lacks empathy and is unable to show love. They appear to have a superficial life, and they are always concerned with how things look to others.
She was incapable of being loving and nurturing, things we look for mothers to provide. While I was a child, I was always grasping for answers to the constant emotional, verbal, and physical abuse that plagued my household.
I learned very early on that I was to be seen, not heard, and that any challenge or inquiry of fun would be met with a tongue-lashing and/or strike to my body. When you are the daughter of a narcissistic mother, you internalize every strike and every word laid upon you. You feel dismissed and discounted. You never feel good enough.
I remember moments in which I wished for the mother-daughter bond that my friends experienced. I would cry whenever I would read about it in books or see it on television.
When you are a victim of abuse, you always feel as if what you desire is out of reach because you believe you don’t deserve it. How could someone who gave birth to me inflict so much pain? This question flooded my brain on a daily basis.
Motherhood is a sacred act of love that was not provided to me, and therefore, I suffered. I suffered with lack of confidence, limited beliefs, fear of failure, anxiety, perfectionism, and lack of emotional closeness with romantic relationships and friendships.
It was at the age of nineteen that I decided that I no longer wanted to be a part of this life. I made up my mind that this cloak of darkness would no longer plague me. I left.
I left with all my belongings in a laundry bag as well as what little light I had within me and moved in with my now-spouse’s family. I was grateful that they welcomed me with open arms and that I was safe. Little did I know that the real healing began once I decided to step into it.
Trauma leaves not only emotional scars but also tiny imprints that influence your thoughts and decisions. I was an adult who knew nothing about adulting and lacked the guidance from a parental figure: I was terrified.
But I realized that sometimes you must mother yourself. In the chaos you learn how to give yourself the love and affection you longed for in your most powerless moments.
I needed to show up for myself and the little girl within me that didn’t have a chance to enjoy life. It was time for me to take my power back and ignite my inner being.
I started becoming increasingly curious and hopeful about this transition I was beginning to step into, so there were a few steps that I began to implement on this journey of transformation. I hope you may find them useful when you are ready.
Distance yourself from the toxic behavior.
Sometimes distance and time help heal and give clarity as well as peace.
I’ve had to take myself out of situations where I knew I had to protect myself. This allowed me to take time out to really focus on what I wanted and the direction I desired to go in.
At times this meant limited communication, geographic distance, or emotional distance. This is not always easy, but it will help keep you on track if you constantly remind yourself that it is for the development of your highest good and your healing.
Surround yourself with people who can lift you up and pour into you.
Coming from a household where love and warmth were not present can leave you feeling empty. Surround yourself with friends or other family that can lift you up while you are sorting things out. Being around people who were able to showcase this for me provided me with the motivation to continue creating it within myself.
Develop and nurture a spiritual practice.
Faith and hope were the two driving forces behind my motivation to leave. I just knew deep down that this was not the direction that I wanted my life to go in, and there were better things out there for me.
Developing a spiritual practice helped me to gain inner peace when moments of fear, anxiety, and doubt heavily crept in. It comforted me when I had no idea if taking a leap would work out, but the valuable lesson that I learned was that when you take a leap, the net will appear. Meditation, prayer, and connecting to a higher power can create stillness within the chaos.
Start with unconditional love toward yourself.
Surviving verbal and physical abuse is no easy feat and can tarnish what little confidence you may have had, which is why beginning to develop that within yourself is super important.
I had to learn that if I loved myself, I could feel more confident in my abilities and continue pushing forward.
Give yourself those motivational pep talks, read dozens of books, work with a professional, listen to uplifting music or podcasts. Pour into yourself and become your own best friend. No one can take that away from you.
Give yourself time.
There is no one-size-fits-all solution to healing. It is a journey that loops and curves, but it all leads to a transformation.
It can take time to unravel all that you experienced, but be compassionate with yourself as you figure it all out. Set the intention of working toward a positive transformation and gather the tools necessary to facilitate the change.
It took me years of trial and error to get to the place that I am in right now, but my intention was always to become better than I was yesterday. Nurture your healing; there is a breakthrough on the other side.
Continue to make that conscious choice every day to grow, heal, and reach transformation. Don’t shy away from the healing necessary to set yourself free and live the life you deserve to live. You have to shed the old in order to let in the new and no longer allow fear to have a strong hold on you.
There is beauty in discovering a life of inward and outward victory. Throughout my transformation my breakthrough consisted of this one powerful mantra:
I am not a victim of my circumstance. I am victorious.
You are too.
About Victoria Grande
Victoria Grande is a licensed mental health counselor, certified clinical trauma professional, and transformational life coach for women. Learn more about her at www.beingvictoriouswomen.com and look out for upcoming biweekly newsletter called, “Living Victoriously.” Want to connect? Follow Victoria on Instagram and Twitter.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
Thank you for sharing this, Victoria! Indeed you are victorious. Your information here will help so many. Kindest Regards, Sarah
Thank you. Part of healing from being raised by a narcissist mother is to bravely not continue the “what goes in in this house stays in this house,” taught to keep the abuse a secret. In the secrecy, the abuse verbal, physical, emotionally can continue unchallenged. The second is to know one is always trying to heal. This year, in couple months, turning 61 years old and I continue to heal, grow, discover that I was the victim and like you now believe even in my continued transformation indeed I am victorious. When we encounter others it confirms it was not our fault, not all in our heads. It was instead in our mother’s head and we were just the ones who experienced the brunt of their self-hatred. When young, I longed most of all for the love of my mother. I continue to tell myself I was and am worthy, it was she who was not receptive and did not know how to give me what she did not learn herself. As a grown-up, adult, I know that I have always been loved and protected by the mother in me, The Creator who formed me and growing to appreciate loving the woman/warrior I am still becoming. Blessings to you.
Thank you for letting me know that I am not alone in not wanting a relationship with my mother. I do what I need to, but not with the love I wish I had for her.
Beautiful words, bless you and thanks.
Thank you for sharing, Victoria. Good for you! I wanted to ask you about love-bombing, what narcissists do to reel you in and keep you in their sphere. I am assuming you did not get love-bombed as your mother,being your mother, didn’t need to reel or keep you in. The narcissist in my life wasn’t best friend – or someone whom I thought of as my best friend. He really had the love-bombing AND the gaslighting and ad hominems down to a science. Did you observe your mother do this to other people? If so, could you tell us about what you experienced?
You are so brave and worthy of the love that you always longed for. As you continue on this journey of healing, always remember that this is your victory and no one can ever take that from you. ✨
I just shared this to a Facebook group I belong to: Estranged: Support for People who do Not Talk to Their Parents.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story! My hope is that it reaches many people who are struggling and serve as a reminder that they too are Victorious.✨
Thank you for sharing your story Victoria. I grew up with a narcissistic, depressed and emotionally disabled mother. Fortunately I wasn’t physically abused but emotionally, definitely. The sad thing though was that I didn’t even realize this until I went into counseling in my late 20s and was told I had been abused. I was aghast! I had no point of reference to compare my experience with that of my peers as mother rarely let my school friends come in to our house and I never got really close to anyone as a child….except my dear, long suffering Dad. We were best friends and didn’t my mother hate that! I moved out if home at 17, married at 19, divorced at 21, remarried at 25, divorced again at 40 and met my soul mate and saviour at 42. He taught me courage and strength by example, was always kind and gentle and allowed me to share his mum. Sadly, he passed in 2018. I had no idea what grief was up to that point, despite losing my Dad 5 years ago. But despite all the work I’ve done over the years, similar to yourself, at 91, frail, suck and suffering dementia, she can still press my emotional buttons. I sit here today agonizing over whether to visit her in the nursing home or distance myself from her still potent venom. I want to punish her for her treatment of me and my poor Dad. I want to punish her for still being alive with not a friend or relative left who cares about her, while my beautiful, popular and much loved husband is dead at 54. But the work I have done has taught me the value of compassion and empathy and I feel guilty if I don’t extend these to this poor pitiful, miserable creature who did not ask for the cards life dealt her any more than I did.
Sad to say I feel that at 60, I will only be truly free to be me when she eventually succumbs.
Thank you for sharing this valuable piece of information. It helped me a lot
Thanks for you article, but how to forgive the parent and talk at least once or twice a year with with him. How hard i try, the memories of abuse come back to me.. say for example my husband ask me where did you go today, my past memory of narcist dad flood my mind and i think about how he used to check the kms on my bike and beat me for extra kms, thinking i went out with someone, so i get mad with my husband for asking where did you go today..
hi