“Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.” ~C.S. Lewis
My eyes leapt open sometime after 2am and, after feeling the empty space next to me, I knew.
The cell phone I laid on the pillow beside my head was silent, my previous text messages left unanswered. Panic swelled in my throat as I frantically dialed his number, calls separated by no more than thirty seconds.
Checking phone logs and driving past houses at night had never been something I pictured myself doing. So, when I reached for my keys, believing I needed to confirm he was where he told me he would be, I knew the relationship was coming to a heartbreaking close.
Some three years after this particular relationship ended, I look back on that girl—someone I am disconnected from now—and feel a deep and profound sense of sadness. The desperation and overwhelming devastation I experienced at this time was so intense, it’s hard to think of myself capable of such a heavy fall into darkness.
Thankfully, I never asked for the full and honest truth about the cheating. The relationship was over for so many more reasons than these incidences, and I loved and honored myself too much to get lost in the minutia—especially when I was grappling with the loss of an eight-year love.
Now, when I run across kernels of truth from that time, I recognize the profound lessons that come from experiencing this type of betrayal in a relationship. In a very strange way, it was one of the best things that could have ever happened to me.
It prompted the end of a toxic relationship I would have never left on my own.
Sometimes we’re convinced that if we just hold on a little tighter, relationships that we should be releasing will suddenly become right and whole again. But if two people are supposed to part ways, no amount of pushing will change their course.
Because I was so attached to what I had always known and terrified at the thought of starting over, I would not have willingly left this relationship on my own. Suffering seemed far better than facing the unknown. Luckily, this turn of events meant the decision was made for me.
The life I managed to create afterward was far more beautiful than the muck I convinced myself I was okay residing in.
It taught me the art of directing anger and upset at the person that really deserves it.
A million different people could have taken on the role of the “other woman.” As far as I’m concerned, who she was is really inconsequential. I did not share a life nor have an agreement of faithfulness with her—only him.
Their relationship stemmed from a whole host of incompatibilities and glaring issues that were festering under the surface of what we created together. It was a symptom of a larger issue, and if he hadn’t of been with her, he would have been with someone else.
She could not be the sole cause of our relationship ending when the heart of the relationship belonged to him and I.
For some reason, unbeknownst to me, their paths were meant to cross at that time, in that way. Directing anger at her as a facilitator in the demise of a relationship that needed to end is, and will always be, fruitless.
It taught me to disconnect my self-worth from the actions of others.
I am and always have been enough, and the actions of someone I love are not a physical representation of my failings.
This realization was not something I came to immediately after the end of my relationship but in the period that followed—after spending time healing alone and, eventually, after rejoining the dating world.
All of us are on our own, very separate journey. Even if we come together with a partner for a window of time, we all have experiences and life lessons we must endure alone. While I needed to learn independence and forgiveness, there were things he needed to learn—things I won’t pretend to know.
In the past I have caused loved ones pain and I know that, each time, it was never a result of their shortcomings. My actions were directly connected to how I was feeling or thinking at the time. In turn, I know this incident wasn’t a culmination of my failings or a representation of something I was lacking.
If anything, it was a series of events that were meant to transpire for reasons I am still uncovering today.
It convinced me the greatest beauty is born from letting go.
I have always been incredibly apprehensive at the mere mention of letting something go. The fear stems from the idea that after letting go, I may never be able to find anything quite like that again.
Often times, this is true.
I never did find another relationship like that again—I found something far more loving, supportive, honest, and true. Something I would have never been able to imagine for myself because my frame of reference was so tied to this relationship I had known for so long.
If I hadn’t been forced to create space and endure the periods of loneliness that followed, I wouldn’t have been prepared to accept this new relationship into my life.
We usually can’t see a clear picture of what will transpire if we agree to release something from our lives, but that’s often because we must endure a period of growth in between—something that makes us ready and willing to bring it into our experience.
Through this heartbreaking experience I learned that letting go is the spark that allows so many great things to transpire.
New beginning image via Shutterstock
About Kayla Albert
Kayla Albert is a freelance writer and content strategist who left her corporate job to build a life without creative restraint. You can find her at www.kaylaalbert.com or follow her on Twitter: @KaylaAlbert33.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Being cheated on is the biggest betrayal, and it’s the worst feeling in the world. It seems some people take relationships for granted, as well as not being able to understand the true meaning of it. I feel if you’re NOT happy being with that person, say something. Work things out, or walk away. There’s nothing in between.
I can’t stand women confronting the other woman. The same goes for men as well. Why bother lashing your anger at someone who doesn’t know what the heck is going on? It’s stupid!! I go by the person’s actions, and it does speak louder than words.
Thank you, Kayla, for sharing your story.
I respectfully disagree. I have told “the other woman” so she knows for health reasons, if nothing else. I have had the women thank me for telling them.
Regarding the crux of the article, I agree with the point that, without the cheating, you would have stayed in the toxic relationship. It took finding out that he had another woman to get me to leave, even though there were many, many red flags. While I may never understand exactly WHY he was meant to be a part of my life, I am trying to learn from it and grow as best I can.
LaTrice – Thank you so much for taking the time to read! Yes, it’s far too easy to direct the anger at someone who might not have been fully aware of the situation. Surprisingly enough, taking the high road can be far sweeter than lashing out at a third party.
Emily – I agree, depending on the situation, having a conversation with the “other woman” is in their best interest (and maybe yours).
YES! Sometimes we need a BIG push to leave a toxic relationship and often that push is a painful one. After reaching the other side, I can say I am beyond grateful that I was forced to leave. I’m so happy that you have been able to reach the same conclusion!
I have never read any article so beautifully written about the cheat, letting go and the growth and the strength that followed after. Its been only seven months that I have walked away silently from the person I loved the most in the whole world. I am going thru the lonely nights. waking up in fear not knowing where my life is leading towards. I get scared that I might never find the love again and will end up being alone. But reading your article gave me so much hope and courage that I might have a future, it is just that I can’t see now. I am just walking the path taking one step at a time. I am doing everything that supposed to heal my heart, meditating, yoga, hiking, seeing friends, meet ups and serving towards humanity. Thank you so much for sharing your story will walk the walk with my head up and high.
Rene – I am so touched by your comment. I know the pain you are going through incredibly well and I am so happy to hear that you are continuing to take care of yourself through this process. I remember hearing people tell me that there would be life after this relationship and thinking that I would never actually reach that place where I would feel at peace and in love again. But now, years later, I can tell you that place does exist and there is no doubt in my mind that you will find it too.
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this Tiny Buddha email came in my email box today with your article in it, I fee like i was mean to be that this came to me today and I happened to stumble across your article as it is exactly what happened to me 5 days ago with my boyfriend of 10 years and I have been obsessing over the details of what happened since that day last week. But instead of him not coming home, I woke up at 4 am with such a strong pain in my chest and i just KNEW something was off with my relationship. Granted there has been many many red flags in the past with him and we were kind of on our last legs in the relationship and we both knew it but at the same time we were best friends and thoroughly enjoyed each others company (and still had great sex) So im my moment of crazy womens intuition and fear of someone betraying me I went thru his emails and found about 10 emails going back to 2013! from a woman expressing her LOVE for him and acting like a psycho threatening him that she is going to show up at his house and in some asking him “where are u handsome?” etc. I only see a few responses from him to these emails with the words like “OK’ and “Ill be there in 15 minutes” I found her on facebook and looked her up, She is fat and ugly. I cant believe it. I am pretty. I confront him and he admits it but tells me that it is one sided and she is just a friend but does like him in that way. He claims he never liked her and is not attracted to her and she is a crazy weird person who thinks they have something but they dont, he claims he was just being nice to her. She knew about me, there was even a email from her wishing him good luck with me. But did admit that she filled a void in our relationship the void was that i never complimented him like her “handsome” comments and she made him feel like someone loved him, apparently he thought i didnt anymore. He claims they never had sex but she tried to tempt him. They slept in the bed together twice (!) but he claims nothing happened. They were just friends and he swears this over and over that they never had sex and it was a one sided relationship. When i confronted him i didnt tell him i went thru the emails, i said someone told me. I made him open his email inbox a couple of days after I confronted him and he had deleted her emails. I then told him that i had saw them previously and he told me he deleted them because he didnt want me to see them because they would hurt me.
Basically the moral of the story is I wish i would have never went thru his emails as I feel like I opened up a world of hurt for myself. Maybe if I didnt know this info I could have just gone on about my life. I was going to break up with him anyways but not until after the new year. I knew its was over long ago even before I made this drastic choice to look in his emails during a crazy moment of weakness/lack of self control. I feel like i am going crazy with regret over taking this crazy step to snoop. But if I wasnt meant to find anything i wouldnt have right?? Sorry for the long post but your email just got to me, I am feeling everything you did, i have read all the self help articles up the ying yang in the last week but your email hit home the hardest.
Thank you…. So much for this. We don’t know each other but your honesty, your truth, your fearlessness in being so open haa resonated so deeply with me. Gosh…. Thank you so much!
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It’s been almost a year since I went through something very similar. I had an eight year relationship end as my partner fell in love with one of my now ex-friends. I don’t know the extent of what happened but there was a long period where I would blame her, him or myself for what happened. I came to realise that it was inevitable and if it wasn’t him it would have been someone else. It didn’t happen because of thier shortcomings or mine. It was just never meant to be. This year has both been one of the hardest and best of my life as it gave me the push to do things I wouldn’t have otherwise. I’m proud of how far I have come and I’ve been trying hard to let go but I feel like I haven’t fully got there yet. Although I am happier now than I was a year ago this article made me realise it is my fear of never finding anything like that again that is keeping me from letting go completely. She is the only person I have ever loved and I don’t know if I’ll ever find that again. Knowing that other people have been through similar things helps and gives me hope for finding love in the future. Thank you for posting it really helped. I will continue to strive to better myself and grow until I meet someone who I love.
… second time in this position..six months after finding out on my own… hours spent in a cycle of pain… article after article and books after books. Appreciate this post.
Thankyou for such a connecting article on letting go! .. I recently had a break up and it has been hard for me to let go.But this article sure helps me in doing that.Its scary when you lose the best relationship you ever had till now.I feel hopeless if I would ever again able to find someone like him.But this piece will help me liberating myself from his thoughts and calm the infinite thoughts that storms of my mind.