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Giveaway and Author Interview: Patience by Allan Lokos

Note: The winners for this giveaway have already been chosen. Subscribe to Tiny Buddha for free daily or weekly emails and to learn about future giveaways!

The Winners:

Patience is one of those qualities we aspire to possess, but sometimes struggle to embody. We associate patience with goodness—and for good reason, since patience enables us to be loving and supportive to others.

But patience is also a fundamental building block of happiness. It just plain hurts to feel harried, stressed, rushed, and eager to get there—whether it’s a physical space or a state of being.

This is something I know all too well, as I’ve often felt pushed by this subconscious internal need to do things quickly and perfectly, which just exacerbates my anxiety, since this translates into a lack of patience with myself.

It’s something I work at, which is why I was excited to read Patience: The Art of Peaceful Living, by Allan Lokos.

The founder and guiding teacher of The Community Meditation Center in New York City, Allan Lokos has studied and practiced meditation for nearly two decades. In his insightful book, Lokos provides gentle encouragement and practical tools to step back, slow down, and foster a sense of equanimity.

I highly recommend Patience to anyone who feels easily annoyed, angered, and stressed, and to those who want to deepen their existing mindfulness practice.

The Giveaway

To enter to win 1 of 2 free copies of Patience: The Art of Peaceful Living:

  • Leave a comment below
  • Tweet: RT @tinybuddha Book GIVEAWAY & Interview: Patience by Allan Lokos http://bit.ly/KVyQ85

If you don’t have a Twitter account, you can still enter by completing the first step. You can enter until midnight PST on Friday, July 6th. 

The Interview

1. In the beginning of Patience, you wrote about what inspired you to write this book. Can you tell us about that?

Like so many others, I’ve experienced the suffering caused by moments of impatience and outbursts of anger, both my own and that of others. I also have a deep appreciation of the ancient wisdom teachings on patience; it is one of the paramis, or “perfection” practices taught by the Buddha. But there seemed to be little offered in contemporary literature.

The actual moment of inspiration came when a friend said, “Just about every mistake I have ever made and every unkind word I have ever spoken might have been avoided if I had been more patient.” I thought it was an extraordinary statement and I knew it was true for me as well.

2. As someone who has been working on my patience a great deal, I highlighted numerous sections in your book! One such section reads, “Anger, annoyance, and impatience deplete energy. Patient effort strengthens our resources.” Can you expand on that?

I think that the depletion of energy that goes with impatience, anger, and annoyance is familiar to most of us. There is usually a great deal of frustration that accompanies situations in which things are not going the way we would like.

That frustration and unhappiness are debilitating. Therefore, developing a depth of patience is an obvious antidote to that depletion of energy. Note, however, that there is a significant difference between skills that help us deal with impatience once it has arisen, and developing patience so that impatience has much less chance to arise.

That level of patience takes effort and determination to develop. The good news is that it doesn’t require a great deal of time each day but it does take motivation, courage, and honesty.

3. Early on, you explained that using techniques to get through a challenging situation without completely losing it is not true patience. I found this fascinating, as I’ve often found myself counting in my head or taking deep breaths to get through difficult times. How would you define true patience?

It not so much a matter of definition as it is concept.

Once you are counting to ten or reminding yourself to take a few deep breaths you are already experiencing impatience. Skills such as deep breathing and counting are invaluable and can help prevent a disaster.

True patience, as a practice, is the ability to sense the arising of impatience or anger at its very inception and to be mindful of the fact that these are feelings. There is no need to act on every feeling that arises. In fact it would be unwise and exhausting.

This kind of skill takes wisdom, awareness, and practice because our usual response is to try to change the external circumstances that we feel are the causes of our annoyance or impatience.

Perhaps, in some instances, it would be wise and compassionate to make changes in external conditions, but the place to look first is within one’s self. Then we are much more likely to act wisely, patiently, and compassionately.

4. You also wrote, “…impatience with self can easily become a type of self-hatred.” What’s a simple practice we can adopt to become more patient with ourselves?

Again, the place to look is within. Those of us who meditate regularly can see how we speak to ourselves. Are we kind and loving or are we harsh and critical?

No one is more deserving of your love and tenderness than you are yourself. That may be difficult for some to accept in our society, but I strongly recommend considering this truth.

5. In the section on relationships, you explored some of the inevitable challenges we face when become emotionally intimate with someone else. What would you say is the biggest obstacle to patience in relationships, and how can start to overcome it?

I’m hesitant to try to single out one biggest obstacle but I think that working on one’s self goes a long way toward developing meaningful relationships. Working on skillful speech and deep listening will go a long way in making you a magnificent partner.

6. You explained that society views kindness as a secondary quality, below aggression, ambition, and toughness—and that some members of your family have expressed that they’d rather be feared than liked. Why do you think many people feel this way?

There can certainly be a time and place for ambition and other aggressive qualities. I think hard work, vision, and creativity are admirable traits. We just want to be aware of the suffering caused by grasping and clinging.

I wonder if we are somewhat afraid to be seen as kind because we might be viewed as weak and spineless. To be kind and compassionate is not to be a doormat. Qualities such as compassion, patience, and equanimity are the ground of wisdom because it is these qualities that help see things as they really are.

7. You shared quite a few “profiles in patience” in your book. Was there one story that resonated with you most strongly, and why?

I quickly came to love the people profiled in the book but I was probably moved mostly by Michael Naranjo. Michael was blinded and lost the use of most of his right hand in the Vietnam war, yet he went on to become a world renowned sculptor.

He has become a treasured friend whom I enjoy being with because of his good cheer, intelligence, honesty, and courage. He is always experiencing physical pain and never complains. He is also an extraordinary artist.

8. In the section titled, “At the Water Cooler,” you referenced research that reveals many people are not happy in their work situations. What advice would you offer someone who is trying to improve their professional situation, but feels impatient with that process—and carries that with them every day?

The reality of the current global economic condition is that many people who, in a different time might have been able to find a more satisfying work situation, simply cannot right now and perhaps not for some time. Therefore, the only meaningful change that can be made may be in one’s perspective.

I know this is easy to say and not necessarily easy to do, but it may be the best option. Look deeply to see if there is another way to view your circumstance. There usually is. Let your heart open and allow yourself to experience beginner’s mind.

9. In your research, what have you found are the situations in which people most frequently lose their cool—and how can we avoid that?

The most frequently reported cause of impatience was when people felt they were not being heard. Next was when they were tired or hungry. Fatigue and hunger are pretty easy to address: get more rest and eat properly. The sense of not being heard (or seen) is more challenging.

I would start by looking within to see if something is being touched that I can examine within myself. Next consider the possibility that you are being heard but the other person simply disagrees. Finally, you might address the situation at the right time and place by saying “I feel as if I’m not being heard. I’d like to go over that point again.”

10. At the end of your book, you wrote a brief section titled “Patience as a Way of Life.” Can you briefly summarize what that would look like?

Patience as a way of life has a feeling of equanimity that is vibrant and alive. We are not thrown by the constant ups and downs of life. Joy is easy to come by and decisions are made with wisdom and compassion. There is much more, but that would be a darn good start.

Learn more about Patience: The Art of Peaceful Living on Amazon.


FTC Disclosure: I receive complimentary books for reviews and interviews on tinybuddha.com, but I am not compensated for writing or obligated to write anything specific. I am an Amazon affiliate, meaning I earn a percentage of all books purchased through the links I provide on this site.

About Lori Deschene

Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.

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Sebove

I would love this book!

niki'm

Ooh my first ever comment on a blog! I accidentally stumbled on this website and the word patience certainly caught my attention… Not something I have been blessed with 🙁 I’m intrigued to learn more!

Maria

As a beginner but frequent visitor, it would be wonderful to receive this book and continue on my path to self discovery!

Deanna

I would love to win a copy of this – looks like it would be perfect for my life right now.
 

Kiley Warren

Patience is something I am constantly working on in my own life…patience to see what God’s plan is for me rather than trying to control, control, control everything around me.  I’d love to win this book!

Lv2terp

Can’t wait to read it!! Thank you for this post and interview!! 🙂 Patience is high on my list to continue to improve upon! 🙂

Mikaii

Patience is something I feel I am always working on; both In relationships and overall life. It is such a simple concept but such a challenge to practice all the time. I also do the counting/breathing! Thanks for asking the author that question Lori! Great interview!

Andrea

“Patience as a way of life has a feeling of equanimity that is vibrant and alive. ” Thank you for making this connection for me…patience is like equanimity…yes! I feel like I am often reactive rather than just observing what is happening…its a daily practice. I would love to read this and learn more. Thanks!

Anne Marie 831

Loved this article, and would love the book! Patience is definately something I’m always working on. Its so hard for me.

Melodyangel

I would love to have and read this book!
Blessings and Namaste’
From
Debra J Webb

Lakshmimurali

 Patience! The whole world could do with it. Lori, great interview! My father who became totally blind when he was in his thirties, practiced patience every moment. His other wonderful quality was a total lack of self pity.We never heard him say
“why me?”. He lived until he was 82 !
 I read the reviews for the book on Amazon. All are very impressive. Thanks for such a thoughtful post.

Melpar

This book sounds amazing and one I so need to read.  I am not sure how Tiny Buddha does it but you always seem to know what to say to me when I need to hear it!

Donna@Gardens Eye View

a great lesson I am still learning-patience…looking forward to this book

Rhonda

Patience is definitely a trait I do not possess!  Would love to read this book.

@CplStot

YAY! This book could definitely be useful to me!  ~bow~

Làura

Patience being one of my life lessons at the moment.   Can’t wait to read the book!  🙂  

Charlotte Bonini

Oh, how I have prayed for peace. It is work but boy great if you can get there! Thanks for sharing this interview.

Nicquiroz

I would absolutely love to win a copy of this book.  I am in serious need of practicing patience. 

Mamawilliams

Looking forward to reading this!! 🙂
Thank you!

Jennifer Voegele

As a mother of 2 teenager boys, patience is something I strive for everyday. Most people think teenage girls are the only ones that go through a change and struggle in life. However, boys do, too. Having patience and teaching patience, especially for young men is so important. I look forward to this read. Thanks, Lori for sharing.

Alixandrea Corvyn

Great article, and this looks like a wonderful book.  I have major issues with patience and would really love to become more relaxed about my life; it never seems to move fast enough in the right direction!  Thank-you for writing this, I think it’s sorely needed in this day and age.

KARINA

i believe patience is one of the most underrated and most important virtues a person could posses. like you mentioned in the article, patience is the starting point to a life of peace, happiness, fulfillment and love. it’s the cornerstone of all things wonderful.

karina

Joskin23

I need this book…ha! Seriously, though as a stay at home mama of two little sweeties, I could use down more patience training! Basically, how to keep my cool under trying situations….and not dump my ‘stuff’ on my kids.

Cqphotography

my goodness, I need this book….i think much of my restlessness/unhappiness is related to my lack of patience. 🙁

Jedidad

I need it too!!  I am glad I am not the only one out there that needs it. 

Jeet

This is THE book for me. Patience is what I personally have the hardest time with cultivating, and could use all the help that is out there. 😛

Sheila

Patience is a virtue indeed. It does not come easy and perhaps that is precisely why patience teaches us things…a lot of things we need to learn. Especially, in this fast-paced “instant” world we live in. I think, as we age, we learn more about what it is to be patient and how to get there – to be present in every single moment and learning to just “be”…which can be trying! I am a type-A personality so this book has a lot to teach me. I could really use a good read like this book. Sounds like the perfect one for me to be reading right now. Patience patience patience. I want to learn how to expand my capacity to be more patient. 

Marshall L. Reeves

Sounds like a good book to me. I need to hurry up and read it quickly… 🙂

mindful searcher

It is significant that patience is the first characteristic of love that St. Paul lists in I Corinthians 13. Thanks for the great post.

Litsa Mortensen

As a graduate student my life is so hectic that it can seem impossible sometimes to slow down, even in my personal life. Cultivating patience could lead me to a calmer place overall which would in turn help my academic life instead of constantly feeling this rush of “GO, GO, GO!” all the time!

meagburnt

If I had the patience, I would love to read this book

Christy

I could really use this as my job tests my patience on a daily basis.  🙂

Mtsnwpu

As a parent of three small children I feel patience is essential to raising well balanced children.  Thank-you for you insight:)

RuthElisa Munoz

i could use this as a student who leads a semi stressful life and a meditation begginner..

Slow N Gentle

I am grateful, thank you

Patience is a skill to be practiced every, single day. The most difficult is being mindful of my lack of patience with myself. Thank you for the article.

Mrsmorbxfx

i REALLY could  use this book, my life is soo hectic raising a family , and getting a business up and going..winning this book would be amazing and it would be very useful. good luck to everyone
 

Long Nguyen

This sounds like a good book. Even if I don’t win, I would probably buy it as a gift for some people.

Jason Eli

wow this looks like a really great book.  🙂 thanks for sharing! take care! 

Siriuslyheather

I will wait patiently for my copy to arrive 😉

LB

I work from home with two small toddlers.  I know that patience with my children is of the upmost importance, but yet it is so hard to practice all the time.  I continue to work on finding peace in my life…

Marilyn

One of my ongoing challenges!

kaiskeebeat

i’ve always thought of myself as patient but lately i feel like i’m running low on patience. RTing 🙂

Breezy

This book sounds perfect right about now. Thanks for all you do, Lori. Peace….. and patience. ♥

Kim K

Ginanmt_67

This book sounds wonderful. I have struggled with impatience and attachment to external circumstances and emotions my whole life. I can’t seem to find a way out of the incessant ruminations. Most books leave me still at a loss. I’m in some financial hardship now. I hope to win a copy of this magnificent book so I can benefit right away. Thank you very much

Charlieedstrom

In an age where we hear messages all around, telling us do things better faster cheaper, this book sounds like the missing element to finding the balance. If I don’t win it is certainly on my todo list.

Barb

I would love to win this book. Going through some MAJOR life changes and patience is one thing I could learn more about. Peace.

Angie

It sounds like this book is something my soul could benefit from!  I desperately need more peace and happiness (patience) in my life and I hope this book will help me get there.  My family would agree  🙂 

Liz

As a mother of two active and intelligent boys I am constantly challenged to keep my patience. I find myself in escalating situations where I can feel my patience dissipating, and I don’t know how to regain it. Worse is the feeling after I’ve gotten angry that I feel like a bad mother for having lost my patience.

Sage Adderley

This book sounds amazing and so beneficial. I would love to read it!