Note: This winners for this giveaway have already been chosen. Subscribe to Tiny Buddha for free daily or weekly emails and to learn about future giveaways!
The Winners:
We all have it: a voice inside our heads that tells us what we can and cannot do and undermines our self-esteem. Sometimes it’s cruel. Sometimes it’s condescending. Most of the time, it’s completely inaccurate.
If we’re not mindful, it can limit our ability to live peaceful, purposeful lives, guided by our interests and passions. We need to love ourselves to love our lives, and in order to love ourselves, we need to be good to ourselves.
Author and speaker Christine Arylo has made a career out of helping women develop self-love and silence their “inner mean girls.”
In 2001, Christine’s fiancé (and boyfriend of 15 years) confessed that he no longer loved her, on the way to their engagement party—and that he’d been cheating on her. After realizing she’d never learned to love herself, she embarked on a spiritual journey, and in the process, transformed herself and her life.
In her book Choosing ME before WE, Christine shares stories, insights, and exercises to help women come to know themselves and learn to put themselves first.
If you’ve ever felt stuck in an unfulfilling relationship (or recognized an unhealthy pattern in your love life), this book may help you create meaningful change from the inside out.
The Giveaway
To enter to win 1 of 2 free copies of Choosing ME Before WE
- Leave a comment below.
- Tweet: RT @tinybuddha Book GIVEAWAY & Interview: Choosing ME Before WE http://bit.ly/KekqLh
If you don’t have a Twitter account, you can still enter by completing the first step. You can enter until midnight PST on Friday, June 22nd.
The Interview
1. What motivated you to write this book?
After watching woman after woman I loved—smart women, beautiful women—struggle in relationships—divorced, stuck in unhappy relationships they couldn’t leave—my heart was breaking.
I had been that woman—overstayed in a 15-year relationship, unaware I was afraid of so many things that kept me stuck, not just in the wrong relationship but the wrong life. When I finally faced the truth of how that happened, what I realized was that I was a smart woman with a lot of self-esteem but without self-love.
That began a now decade long journey to fall in love with myself. Choosing ME before WE takes readers along the same journey to finally find love and a fabulous relationship by finding it first within themselves.
2. You start your book by sharing how your ex-boyfriend of 15 years broke up with you right before your engagement party—and then told you he’d been cheating for six months. What insight helped you the most in moving on?
I remember standing in my living room eight months after “the event.” I was still mad, hurt and running all kinds of b.s. stories through my mind about what had happened. How he was wrong and I was right.
There was this book sitting on my desk that jumped out at me. It had been there for months but I just saw it, and so I opened it up to see what message it had for me. I’ll never forget the words that changed my life and in an instant and allowed me to forgive my ex-person.
The pages read, “You cannot be angry with a person for hurting you because they were just being who they are. It was you who had other expectations of that person that must take the blame, for you expected them to be someone other than who they truly are.” Ouch. True. And Freeing.
3. You’re known as a self-love expert and transformational teacher. What are three things we couldn’t learn about you through a Google search?
That my first ever rock concert was Boy George and Culture Club—what can I say, I just love to dress up in costume!
I have two beautiful “goddess daughters” Lucy and Janey who I go to see every year for their birthdays. We take a whole day, bust them out of school, pick a theme, dress up, and spend the entire day loving them. Each year for their birthday I also write them a letter about who they are at that time, as well as about their mom, my best friend Anne, and the world. Someday in the future I will give it to them.
When I met my soul partner Noah, I was so freaked out by how much love he gave so freely, I tried to pawn him off on my sister! Too much love for my closed heart to take. Lucky I got over that.
4. What does it mean to choose “me” before “we”?
Some people think it means being selfish, which couldn’t be farther from the truth. It’s not choosing me instead of we. Choosing ME before WE is a message of self-empowerment, self-respect, and self-honor to say “I deserve to have only loving, respectful relationships in my life that support me in having the best, most happiest life I can.”
So often we choose relationships that don’t support our best selves or best lives, but stay because we “love” the person or because we aren’t complete and whole within ourselves. Choosing ME before WE says you have to choose love for yourself first, to look for love from yourself first, to take responsibility for having the life you came here to have—and that in that choice you will always make the best relationship choices for yourself and others, even when it’s hard.
5. Why do you think we beat ourselves up so easily and often?
We live in a society that has beat the belief “YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH” into our psyches since we could read a magazine or watch a reality TV show. Consumerism and materialism—which drive our culture—are all about making people feel like they don’t have enough, haven’t done enough, and are not enough as they are, so they will buy and consume more and look to the outside for answers and validation.
In this system, where your self-worth is tied to an external value system, you can never measure up, so you always feel like you are failing, falling behind, and not doing as well as every one else. Our orientation is to compare ourselves, not accept ourselves, and as soon as comparison comes up, you lose.
All of this makes us feel inadequate, unloved, and incapable, which we don’t want to express to others, and even to ourselves. So we stay quiet, thinking we are the only ones, when in truth almost all women—and girls—unfortunately in our society are extremely hard on themselves.
6. What would you say are the most important elements of self-care?
Asking yourself what you need and making sure you get it, without apology and without fail. Something so simple, that we hardly ever do, is stop every day to ask ourselves, “What do you need?” Really when was the last time you asked yourself that when you woke up in the morning or throughout the day?
Likely, you have asked others that way more than yourself. We have been programmed to give not receive. Self-care requires that you ask yourself everyday, “What do you need to receive today?”
I recommend doing this first thing in the morning before getting out of bed. Open your eyes, close your eyes, and then ask the question and listen to your inner wisdom for the answers. Whatever the answer is, you have to do that thing for yourself, no matter what.
Then throughout the day, ask yourself “What do you need?” in the moment, to stop and listen, and then follow through, regardless of what else is pulling on you for attention. This one practice can change your life. Try it for 40 days and see what happens!
7. I’ve heard a great deal about your “Inner Mean Girl Reform School.” What inspired you to create this?
There is a silent epidemic happening among women that we aren’t talking about, and that is robbing the spirits of our young girls in the process. We women silently beat ourselves up for everything we are not or haven’t done all the time.
And while you may not be able to see the black and blue marks on our bodies, if you were to look at our hearts and spirits, you would see them there. Lots of people talk about the inner critic and negative self-talk, but why I co-founded Inner Mean Girl Reform School with Amy Ahlers, author of Big Fat Lies Women Tell Themselves, is that it’s really much more personal and hurtful than the psychological theory of the inner critic.
When we are so hard on ourselves, it can feel like you are back in 7th grade being tormented by the mean girls. We noticed that when women came together and told the truth about what they were saying to themselves, and were able to name, draw, and embody their Inner Mean Girls as separate entities, great transformation occurred.
Women left bad relationships, lost 20 pounds, started new careers, moved to new cities, and, most of all, started to really give themselves a break—to really become compassionate and loving to themselves, releasing the perfection, comparison, unrealistic expectations, gossip, etc.
And this transformation meant they could make better decisions in their relationships, businesses, careers, health, and everything. My Inner Mean Girl, the Comparison Queen Mean Patty, almost robbed me of my joy and success when it came to publishing Choosing ME before WE.
When I transformed her into my talent scout instead of my comparison queen, I met Amy, and viola, now we have a school in which over 15,000 people have taken one of our classes and transformed their relationship with themselves tremendously.
8. What motivated you to focus your efforts on women specifically?
It was really a divine assignment. One day, standing in my living room, I began dancing with a friend who had just gone through a divorce and was having a really hard time. As we were dancing, a message dropped in and said, “You, Christine, go out and inspire and teach women and girls how to fall madly in love with themselves!”
I thought, me? What? Day by day, I listened and stepped into it, and now I am known as the Queen of Self-Love, the founder of Madly in Love with ME, and the creator of the international day of self-love on Feb 13th.
I believe that self-love is for everyone, and I always have a few brave men that take my programs, buy my books, and come to my talks—and I welcome that!
There is something magical that happens when women can witness other women. I know that if I can help the women, I can help the children, and if we can make sure our children are born in love with themselves and stay in love with themselves, then I we can create a world of love. That would be a great world to live in!
9. What is the main message you hope readers take away from this book?
The most important relationship you will ever have is the one with yourself. Know yourself, be honest with yourself, love yourself, and trust yourself—and never ever settle for less than your heart desire. You deserve to only have loving, respectful relationships, starting with the one with yourself!
Learn more about Choosing ME Before WE on Amazon.
FTC Disclosure: I receive complimentary books for reviews and interviews on tinybuddha.com, but I am not compensated for writing or obligated to write anything specific. I am an Amazon affiliate, meaning I earn a percentage of all books purchased through the links I provide on this site.
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
- Web |
- More Posts
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Self-love… Something I have to work on…
I think it really starts with self-awareness. Knowing yourself and accepting who you are and working on your weaknesses are part or self-love.
Can you love yourself with knowing yourself first?
I hear and read a lot about self development, self love, and positive outlook on life these days and wonder if women in all societies struggle with those issues or if it is an issue for particular cultures. I observe the strong tendency for comparison mainly in Western societies, and also in Asian cultures that have grown rapidly in terms of economic prosperity. But I wonder how it works for women in other cultures, especially in those where the role of mother, grannies, and aunties is stronger – let’s say in Africa or South America. Is self love and respect for oneself a matter of an upbringing by strong women?
The quote that one can’t be angry at another person because they were being themselves and not who you wanted them to be really hit home for me regarding my own relationship end last year. Thank you.
Cannot wait to read this!!! After reading the interview, I believe this will be very enlightening for me!
Sometimes its difficult to discern what we really need….
I think this is definitely a sign that I saw this article today. I’ve been very frustrated, having a hard time letting go of a relationship and trusting that whatever is supposed to be, will be. My wise friend keeps telling me I need to first focus on being better to myself before I worry about relationship…and then I saw this article today…so I definitely feel like I’m meant to read this book!
Wow–It completely felt like you were sitting here in my room talking to ME. I still, after years of trying to take care of me, still fall into the “not good enough” pit
Would love to read this!
Self love and acceptance has been an extremely big, and new, part of my life especially over the last few years. I’ve come to enjoy my own company, have become my own best friend, and I focus on myself and brightening and maintaining my inner light before anything else. But within the past week, I have been faced with a heartbreaking situation and not only am I having difficulty getting my head and heart around what is happening, but I’m also having a hard time uncovering my light that has been keeping me awake and grounded for so long.
Although I’m having a hard time now, I do know that my light will continue to shine and get brighter and brighter until its brighter than ever. But even though I know that I will be okay, and even better, it doesn’t seem to make the pain or confusion go away.
Thank you for you dedication in spreading self love and I look forward to reading this book in hopes to brighten my light again! 🙂
I’m thinking I could really use that!
Me before We is absolutely true. There might be another guy who will replace that relationship, but absolutely NOBODY can fill the void for you. If we fail to maintain a healthy relationship that is willing to grow with ourselves, then we will never mature to be sensible or learn the value or meaning of relationships. The one that you maintain with yourself is like talking to the Lord, but the other important relationship is like being in heaven. There. You get the difference. 🙂
Really wish to read the book!
After 10 years of what was seemingly the most healthy and adult relationship I have ever been in, I was recently informed that he just wasn’t feeling it anymore. I have always known (and thought I was keeping it well hidden) that I am horrible at taking care of myself and don’t always feel that I deserve that. I would love to win, it seems to come at the perfect time. If not I still plan to purchase!
Wow! Inspired and inspiring article. Thank you for sharing it!
In the manner that I was raised, it was considered being selfish and conceited to have ‘self-love. After a lifetime of choosing “we” over “me”, I must say the past 2 years of choosing ‘me’ are better that the previous 50 years of choosing ‘we’. Go for it everyone! And don’t look back! Best wishes with your book, and all the best to you too Lori, hope your life is sweetening up a bit, Deborah R
I *love* Christine’s energy and message…I was raised in chaos and abuse, and that cycle continued in my life until I chose self-love…which then changed my entire life. This book is a wonderful affirmation of my heart truths, and a reminder when doubt surfaces.
I used to “discipline” myself (not aware of it when I did it, but I can see it now)…when something went awry in a relationship or connection…Now I celebrate each moment fully, because there is always something delightful to *celebrate* 🙂
I definitely need to choose ‘me’ sometimes, I have a hard time realizing that I’m worth something.
I definitely need this book.
I am about to assume a position of authority which was previously occupied by the “boys” as I call them affectionately. I enjoyed the article thoroughly and it helped to give me some perspective. I don’t have to do things their way and I don’t have to do things perfectly. thanks for the boost to my self esteem!!
My roommate and I would benefit from this book! We both find ourselves in relationships that end unhappily. We both agree we need to love ourselves first before letting anyone else into our lives. We are both professional women in our thirties who deserve nothing but the best in life :).
This book was meant for me to read right now..at this very moment. All of these excerpts resonate with where I am in my life at this very moment. I’m wanting to leave a 12 year relationship to embark on my own spiritual journey..but am stuck helplessly feeling selfish. Thank you for writing this book to enlighten..aid women
I love a copy of your book! It’s healthy to take care of ourselves first! Thank you!
Wow! How timely – just as I’m realising this is just what I need right now. An affirming & inspiring post, ty
Such an important concept and so hard to remember in my day-to-day life.
I have always struggled with taking care of myself and then resenting others for it – which is lame – I know it’s my doing! I could use this book!
This post is FANTASTIC!! I can’t wait to read the book! What a wonderful interview, with some wonderful points! Thank you Lori for sharing this person/wisdom today! 🙂
Everything happens for a reason.. I was most definitely meant to read this article and should I not be a winner today I will be purchasing the book! I’ve been struggling with self-esteem, self-image and self love and this struggle has started to affect everyone I love and care about the most. It is beginning to create trust issues in all my relationships, even with my spouse. And worst of all I am basically bottling everything up. A push in the right direction for me… can’t wait to learn more about loving & trusting myself and my intuition.
Sounds all “TOO” familiar… Here I am going through emails and BAM I read this as if IT WAS MEANT TO BE…Thinking this must be a SIGN… You are talking about ME… Perfect Timing…There it’s in Black and White… Trying to tell ME something…Unemployed for the past 7months, difficulties, not even to mention relationships…how time has passed and here I am wanting, waiting and willfully expecting…CHOOSING ME before ME!!!
what a wonderful premise. can’t wait to read the book!
Ditto for me. After 10 years of a healthy and seemingly honest relationship, the guy whom I considered my life partner and best friend admitted to me that he wasn’t in love with me anymore. It’s been almost 3 months now and each day is like skating uphill. He’s already dating new women; I’m not ready yet. I could really use this book too.
Reading this book would be extremely important to my life right now. I am currently reading a similar book about being alone and how it doesn’t mean you’re lonely. Thanks!!
This really resonates with me as I try to find my place in this world. I just turned 40 and still feel baffled by the thought of loving myself. No one is harder on me than me. Something has got to change! I just hope I have the courage to make those changes and can begin loving myself for who I am.
Oh my god, as always with your site, this comes at the exact time I need it most.
I’ve been the woman who remained in a dead marriage for 25 years because it was the right thing to do, for everyone else, then fought through the land of fear and uncertainty (still am) o breast cancer, and a less than quick brush with death himself… I still put we before me, and just yesterday while floating in a sea of tears I decided I have to rake care of me, stand up for me, and be the mama bear for me!!!
Then I read this today!
Thank you, thank you for being a life boat for girls like me, who really Really want to save ourselves if only we had the tools.
<3 thank you
Perfect book every woman needs to read…can’t wait to get a copy…or win one 🙂
I am deeply immersed in finding ME after the recent end of a long marriage where everything was WE or HE. The wisdom of Christine Arylo is part of my healing and new growth. I would LOVE to have a copy of this book!
This sounds like a book we can all benefit from. I absolutely love the concept of the “Inner Mean Girl Reform School”, so many women I have known could benefit from lessons learned there. I will be recommending this book to my reading circle long before I actually get an opportunity to read it myself!!
Ive been on a personal journey for six months now, and am planning on being single for at least a year so I can focus on me. Sounds like a great book every woman should have! Thank you for the opportunity!
I need to get my hands on this read. I have been feeling like I need to love me more but I’m just not sure I’m doing it the right way and would love to learn and understand loving me first
My Husband and I are currently struggling right now – not with one another, but with the expectations and interference of those around us. Today, when I read this article, I immediately forwarded it to my husband. I don’t believe it is just relationships that make us lose ourselves, but it can often happen in families. We are three weeks away from celebrating our 5th anniversary, and are in therapy not because we are unhappy, but because we are often in the midst of my in-laws not respecting one-another, us or themselves. Just Saturday night, my husband asked if something was wrong with him that he was so hurt because nobody in his life seems to care about his, or my accomplishments. He gets a promotion, nobody says a word. He calls after noon on a family member’s birthday and gets yelled at for not caring enough to call earlier. It’s exhausting and frustrating.
When I saw the author reference a quote about it being our own fault for expecting a person’s behavior to be a certain way – things clicked. I’m expecting them to care for me, or my husband because we are family. But, that’s not the way life works, and we either work around it, or move on. I’m excited to read this book and apply these lessons to this situation!!!
Sounds like a great book!! I am also working on self love and silencing the inner critic. I was wondering what was her self love source…books, people, her own determination?
perfect timing! i am on a quest of self discovery and the universe is unveiling knowledge on a constant basis. for the first time in my adult life, after 30+ years and 3 marriages filled with abuse i am on my own.i have 3 grown children and 4 grandchildren, so add empty nester on top of it. i have recently been diagnosed with copd and that’s when i hit rock bottom. this year i decided enough already, did some attitude adjusting and have begun a new journey.it’s amazing how things can change when you put your heart and soul into it!
LOVE to have a copy of this book!
Wow, I would love to get a copy of this. The interview alone offers a lot of insight.
Sounds to me like a fabulous book!! Can’t wait to read it someday! 🙂
This is a well done interview. I’m sure the book will be very helpful and inspiring to many people.
I made the life decision six months ago after a horrible break up that I would committ to myself for the next year. I’m 3/4 of the way there and am learning so much about myself, but more importantly am making myself happy.I’m am learning to put my needs at the front of the line instead of the back. It’s a difficult journey, and I am struggling to keep this a priority. But everyday is a new chance! Thank you so much for your words. I cannot wait to read your book!
I am 40 years old. I’ve just gone through a nasty break-up that left me feeling purposeless, directionless, anxious, not worthy of love & very critical of myself about “where I currently ought to be” in life; you know, entrenched in a career, great house, great car, great this & great that.
I’m also feeling very alone in the world. I am eager to read this book and to begin my process of self-love first before others.
It is always difficult to
A need-to-read for every woman above 14, I guess… Expectations, society, family, our own expectations… Take care of you before anyone else, I try to teach my daughter… And I try to show her by doing so: very difficult…
Thank you for everything you do. You inspire me. Aloha.
I may still be young (22) but I know I have had a rough time choosing me over we. i find myself falling so fast and hard and then masking myself with what makes us happy rather than me. Along the way I have had a couple broken hearts and need to start experiencing life the way I see it. Growing up I knew I would have a hard time with relationships but as I’m getting older I’m realizing the struggles that lead me to these heart breaks. I am excited to read this book and maybe learn a think or two!