“Nobody wants to be lonely. Everybody wants to belong to a group. The crowd is essential for the false self to exist. The moment it is lonely you start freaking out. Particularly in the West they have not discovered a methodology to uncover the real. To be an individual is the greatest courage. It does not matter that the whole world is against me. What matters is that my experience is valid. Don’t die before realizing your authentic self.” ~ Osho
Authenticity. Courage. Vulnerability. We hear these words so often they’ve become a part of our daily language. But how often do we stop to investigate what they actually mean?
I grew up within the gates of a fundamentalist religion that didn’t just discourage conformity, it taught us daily to demonstrate our opposition to the status quo. We were trained to speak about the awkward and practice the uncomfortable, sometimes in the face of hostile reactions.
And so it was that, as a child, I learned the skill of both living boldly and sticking my foot into a person’s door so they would listen to what I had to say.
Over the years, my vantage point became one of lone observation, both within my own “tribe” and when I was at school.
I organized most people’s behavior into some variation of a desire for acceptance by their group. They wanted to follow a leader, or less often, to be one, all out of fear that if one is not accepted, one is somehow less worthy.
At the time, I didn’t understand the great sacrifice people made for acceptance, stuffing away their uniqueness and covering it with a superficiality that was pleasing and likeable.
Eventually, I left my own cloistered tribe after concluding that true radicalism is one’s ability to be courageously real—not in a bid to be different and unique, and therefore, somehow superior, but only to live according to what one believes.
If you are on a path of seeking the real and avoiding the fake:
1. Keep connected with the opposite of your tribe.
We selected our friends because they make us feel good and they share similar tastes and desires. But with no challenge to our status quo, we risk losing out on vital learning.
Our brain schemas are designed to accept familiar information and discard what doesn’t fit with our versions of reality. This makes for groupthink that ranges from boring to dangerous.
Akin to the Facebook feed that caters to more of what we already like and know and creates homogenization, our tribe, bless them, are also prone to unconditionally support us, even when we are being unwise or thoughtless.
While their support may feel good, it is also a disservice when they reinforce our faulty thinking and don’t question our actions.
I have come to see a good friend as someone who can hold me kindly but boldly in the space of our relationship and ask, “What on earth are you thinking?”
So don’t ditch all your old friends (unless you need to), but do challenge your viewpoints by talking and listening to the person you think is weird, reading the book that makes you shift uncomfortably, and exploring the activity that evokes a bit of fear.
Instead of rejecting new ideas outright, play with them, think them through critically, and then keep or discard them.
 2. Start being real with people.
The greatest challenge here is that we first have to be real with ourselves. This means becoming unmasked and accepting our strengths and foibles without shame.
Only then can we begin to be real with others, because there will be nothing of us to hide.
If we can accept our full, awkward humanity, then we can learn how to extend ourselves openly into what aligns with us and feels right, our purpose.
We will know when to say “no” and when to say “hell yes.” We will speak our minds and take scary steps not because we have lost all sense of fear, but because we know we can be afraid and do it anyways.
And we can meet conflict directly, without the misalignments that grow from avoidance, denial, and gossip.
Speaking of gossip, when we are being real, we won’t do it.
When we hear it, we will state that if a person has a problem with someone else, they should speak to them directly. And we will have no part in cliques that exclude others. Instead, we will seek other intrepid explorers, who also embrace life with the exclamation, “let’s be free of all of that.”
3. Be in life instead of capturing it for Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter.
I don’t know about you, but I reject the idea of capturing all of our sacred moments for social media instead of living them. And I battle with this personally, because I’m a documenter, but I favor tipping the scales toward real.
In the movie The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, the famous and elusive photographer Sean O’Connell, played by Sean Penn, travels to the Himalayas for a shot of a rare snow leopard. Mitty tracks him down, and the two of them, perched out on a mountaintop, wait for the cat, who finally makes an appearance.
Instead of taking the shot, O’Connell moves from the camera and watches. When Mitty asks him when he’ll take the photo, O’Connell replies, “Sometimes I don’t. If I like a moment. I mean me, personally, I don’t like to have the distraction of the camera. I just wanna stay… in it… right there. Right here.”
You likely already know why this moment is valuable: it’s the only thing that’s real.
You know exactly what you are losing. The tender touch your lover just gave you that you absentmindedly ignored. Lost. The book that lays on your lap unread, your son having placed it there long ago until he tired of waiting. Lost.
Real time, with all its tastes, smells, and sensations, is irreplaceable. You have a choice each moment about who, and where, you want to be.
4. Be in nature.
If where you want to be is real, then immerse yourself in the greatest antidote for fake that we have in a social media obsessed, email-, text-, and like-checking society. Leave your phone alone when you are with the mountains, trees, or by the lake, with your beloved, your friends, or your little ones. It is rude and dismissive of their essence and humanity.
Besides, at the end you lose out. Because there is no amount of screen time that can rival the pleasure of just one kiss, blowing all the wishes off a dandelion, or a deep breath of mountain pine.
Selfie image via Shutterstock
About Carla Poertner
Carla Poertner is a Certified Life Coach, writer, and mother of three boys. She is a Huffington Post blogger and Elephant Journal Columnist. You can get her e-guide, sign up for her free tele-classes and read her latest articles here on her blog carlapoertner.com.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Great points that I need to keep reminding myself. I especially resonated with the be in nature part – something that I always mean to do more of but it’s tough to get away from the pull of technology at times.
Thanks for reminding me of the importance of this.
An interesting article. I like how you described how sometimes we need to take ourselves out of ‘comfortable’, which may mean being put with people or situations where we normally would not interact with. How really keeping in our real zone. Is being out of the bubble. Now I’m thinking wouldn’t it be fun mix things up. Thanks for your article
Last month paycheck i got was 5000 dollars for working 12 hrs weekly
for freelancing from home. Sisters friend has a profit of 11000 dollars
monthly for a while now and she is working for about 20 hrs a week. I
can’t believe how easy it was when I tried it. There is no limit with
this… Check it out what i do>
FIND OUT MORE HERE—–>>>>>>
The majority of us is so busy managing the “outside world” that we never look inside and never discover our true selves. That makes it impossible to be real with ourselves, let alone with others, because we simply never learned who we are in the first place. Self-awareness and careful self-analysis should be the first step for us.
Thanks for your feedback Sophia. It’s always a bit of a push to get ourselves out of our comfort zone for sure. And so worth it!
You’re welcome. I wrote about it because it feels like a struggle for me too at times. I love when we get to places in nature that are completely “out of range.”
Yes, I agree. It begins with noticing and getting in touch, and the pull of our environments is so strong.
Love this. Get outside, outside of a comfort zone and outdoors as well. New views help clarify and refocus our perspective on life in such a positive way.
Excellent read! It is ironic that I’m using this profile but at the current moment I don’t have a “real” profile for discus.
This is a great article in a day where everything via technology. Being real in a fake world can be tough, when it’s tough to say what’s on your mind because you don’t want people to dislike you.
Thanks Lisa!
Carla, you have no idea (or maybe you have :-)) how deep this resonates. I’ve lived as an outsider seeking similar companions most of my life, and felt so lonely. But now, that I truly live a Solo Souls life, I experience connectivity in a completely different way, and it has nothing to do whether we’re the same tribe (what tribe?) or not. Yes, finally, the courage to be you, and to love, yourself and others. Thank you!
Beautifully written. Very beautiful Thanks a lot 🙂
Great article. A lot of people get caught up in the world of social media and forget to enjoy themselves in real time. When I meet up with my friends, I don’t want them to constantly text and take pictures for sns. Is it really necessary? Maybe but I would question why a friend wanted to meet up with me in the first place. I also think it’s important to build connections with people who are different. It’s easy to become stagnant and opinionated when we choose to socialize with certain people and not venture out to meet new friends.
Beautiful.
As mentioned in Be in Nature, connect with the Earth. To cultivate authenticity: connect with your intuition. Live a principled life, meaning: maintain and practice integrity, respect, truthfulness, generosity, cleanliness, and discipline.
World of fake is right! Talk about ‘edited reality.’ #3…I finally realized it was too much hassle to try and capture the “perfect” moment with a picture after I calculated the time it takes to whip out your phone, sign into the PW, get the shot and then check to see if it was good enough. All the while the present moment is passing by. Documenting for social media takes away from the experience you’re trying to savor, for the sake of impressing others.
An article that reminds me I’m not alone. Thank you Carla.
On being real, someone once told me that being real with herself involved accepting a relationship with a married man while she’s still married to someone else. Is this really being real?
Thank you for your comment. I’ve caught myself in these very same thoughts of “oh wait this will make a great shot!” (holding down the “burst” button no less) and then the real moment is gone. I have to consistently remind myself to balance out my need to “document” with staying present. And lately I ask myself a question that underlies your last statement: Why was it that I wanted to do that to impress other people?
Yes I agree with you. It is an ongoing effort to be authentic, and can feel like hard work sometimes. This is quite common feedback I’ve received in my inbox about this article.
It’s great to read an article around authenticity and fakeness and so few people sadly are authentic and accepting of who they are..
There’s a lot of great points in here. It’s hard to discover yourself when society pushes us all to act and live the same way.
I really like your 3rd point on being ‘in’ life rather than living vicariously through others or posting everything you do on social media. Also, great example with The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, awesome movie!
In a world of selfies, and facebook updates it’s easy to lose yourself, being authentic is a practice, and I believe it’s something we have to remind ourselves daily until it sticks with us for good.
Thanks for this awesome article, Carla!
Hi there, I’m glad the article was helpful. It can feel lonely to keep striving to live in a real way.
Regarding your second point I can’t speak to anyone else’s version of being real, but for me, personally, if there is any internal conflict, I ask myself if what I’m doing is something I want to do in the light of day. I’ve asked myself this question many times in my life. Sometimes I don’t like the answers I hear.
When I find the answer is “no” then I realize my path may be off and when I really investigate I also see that it is far more painful to be off “the way” than on even if being on is a lot of effort. And can feel really difficult. So I keep walking the path, trying to show empathy to myself, forgiving myself, and trying to do this for others too. Failing, trying, succeeding, trying, failing again, trying again.
Thank you for your reply Christopher. For me, nature is enduringly healing and vital for my health and general happiness in life.
Thank you!
You’re welcome, and thank you!
You’re welcome and I’m so glad it resonated for you. I’m interested in hearing more about the Solo Souls life and how you experience connectivity in a totally different way.
Thank you for your comment. For me the added bonus of meeting in real time is that I can give my friend a real-time hug as well 🙂
Thanks for your feedback, George! Yes, it’s easy to lose sight like you say. And I certainly enjoyed that movie; I had to watch it twice! I thought there were a lot of good messages about really getting out there and living as well.
Thanks Annie, and I’m glad you enjoyed it.
I can relate to that. It’s often hard to be the real me when so many people online think I’m a fake. The problem with that is too many people don’t know what being real and true to your self is anymore.
Great article, the biggest obstacle we all face is being authentic and honest to ourselves. When we understand reality we become a leader not a follower
Gosh Carla thank you so much! You really
hit home for me on this one. Being from Western Conservative Wisconsin, I
get stares and ridicule from others for not conforming to the societal norms
but I was never meant to fit in. Never have and have accepted it. I just
wish others would embrace the “abnormal” b/c they may learn
something. Doing one thing out of your comfort zone a year helps.
I am always open to new ideas and people b/c I don’t want to be trapped
by one type of thinking. There is no one way. Living is about
connecting and being real and having moments that make all the mundane crap
worth doing to get to the awesome stuff. Anyways. Just wanted to
say thank you for your post and the hope that there are more of us real people
out there who embrace the different. Love and Hugs!
Thank you Abigail, you echo so many of the things I believe. There really is no one way, and it’s eminently more enlivening and expansive to do things that take us out of our comfort zone. Kudos to you. And a big Canadian bear hug back at you!
Isn’t it so true. Thank you, well said. Being honest with ourselves is an ongoing effort.
Thank you for your comment Nicky. As Marshall McLuhan said, “The medium is the message.” I always think about this as we are using technology for an attempt at connection and how it can work positively in certain ways and not in others. For example, we are all connecting somehow here, and this technology is here, so we learn to navigate through; we also get to know when to shut down and climb a mountain, or anything else that keeps our Selves in this present moment and on what’s real. 🙂
I know it’s hard because some people literally live on line and don’t know how to be true to themselves.
Beautifully expressed. That Mitty moment stuck with me whereas I had to think back at those times I took in…at the expense of some rewarding token. My best times are clearly documented only in my mind…
I think the biggest problem, in regards to losing our own identity, is that we identify with our careers. When you go to a party it is quite common to introduce yourself by name first, and then secondly by asking what the other one does for a living. You say “Hi, I’m bob an electrician. What do you do? Oh your a carpenter?” You see, you never introduce yourself otherwise. You will always think of Bob the electrician, and not Bob the artist, or Bob the blogger, or Bob who is a craft beer connesiour, or Bob the environmental activist. There are so many dimensions to Bob, but we just see one small facet.
When we do this, identify with one thing, we adapt our personality to be that way. We try to fit the shoes of one thing, and one thing only. And this gets even worse when one works as a professional of sorts. If you are a bussiness associate, or an engineer, or doctor, people expect you to act certain ways. You must fit in the group and become as a puppet.
I think we need to change the way of our relationship with work. Work is what you do, not who you are.
I think this article addresses a point that is very close to home for most of us who just want to belong. But it’s a good exercise to just face what is and what we are doing to ourselves which is losing ourselves to find other people. Not a good tradeoff when you really think about it, which is exactly what this article encourages you to do.Think about it. Really a great piece of writing!
I love the fact that you said straight-forward: It’s bad to gossip, I don’t know if you personally prescribe to Buddhism, but it’s always refreshing when somebody who isn’t necessarily religious is able to sort out healthy decisions from bad ones (even in the small stuff such as gossip). Well done article.
Thank you Parker. I don’t subscribe to one particular religion, no, but I do draw a lot of value from a whole variety of perspectives. Yes gossip is poisonous and can be really damaging and painful for the target. It’s unfortunate that some people gain satisfaction from diminishing others in a mean spirited way. As one caveat and something there wasn’t room to write about in detail in the article, I believe sometimes we need a trusted confidant to talk to to work through an issue prior to dealing with the source, or vice versa, we may be that confidant. On both sides I think it’s about staying aware of when “sharing” for growth turns into gossiping and avoidance.
Sorry for the delay in response Alex I am not checking this comment stream as regularly as I could 🙂 I really appreciate the content of your comment. Succinctly said, thank you. “Facing what is.”
Thank you Jordan & sorry for the tardy response, I’ve not checked this comment stream regularly. And I agree with you. One other problem so many people experience is that if we identify who we are with what we do, who are we when we “don’t” as in, don’t perform that role anymore? It can be a real upheaval for people if they have always identified what they do with who they are (not only can it be worn as a badge but people can identify with it and equal it to their worth as human beings). Who are we really, without the status we attach to it? Maybe we can try an experiment by introducing ourselves at the next party as, “Hello, I’m Carla. A human being, not a human doing. And who are you, really?” I don’t know, at the very least the conversation might deepen a bit from the superficial 🙂
Sorry for the tardy response Drew, as noted above I haven’t checked this stream regularly. This part of the movie struck me too because how can we really be in two places at once, completely experiencing the moment if we’re also observing it for secondary purposes (brain clicking away about how and where and who will ‘like’) and also taking the action of documenting it? I experience this often with my children as I watch them doing something amazing and I want to capture their moments (and do try to now and then so that I can catalogue some of their childhood for them to look back on!) But more often I try to experience it and savour it. Then snap the shot the second time around if it happens!
Yup. Me too with my two daughters. Im a solo parent so there no one else to take the pix. Savour the moment comes first, posterity second…cheers Carla. Thanks again for the interesting article. Good read :)…Drew
very nice. reminds me the courage (and reward) of being yourself…
Completely agree with you Pauline. How can we be real if we have never discovered what this “real me” actually is? We are a big fan of starting with self awareness and self analysis.
Hi Carla,
You have told it all well. Your points are well expressed. That Osho quote definitely fits in. Thanks for a great article!
plz tell me how can I live my life happile
Thanks for sharing your beautiful article, Carla! Letting down our walls and letting in who we truly are seems to be the most imperative thing we can all do. Thanks for your spotlight on such a topic. And a little P to the S: From a writer to a writer, you’ve got the goods, girl. Keep at it!