“Don’t let past relationships ruin your future happiness. Scars remind us of where we’ve been, not where we are going.” ~Unknown
I believe that the breakdown of relationships can lead to some of the most powerful lessons we learn in life.
When someone who we’ve been close to suddenly steps out of our lives, it can leave a huge emotional void. It can conjure up feelings of loneliness, vulnerability, anger, sadness, fear, and hurt, and the natural reaction is to go on a desperate mission to fill that void.
My relationship recently broke down. It was my choice, and though it was a difficult decision, I left it somewhat hurt but with an overall positive and empowered feeling. There has still been a void, though.
Despite me feeling strong, independent, and grounded, it somehow left a need for me to seek male approval elsewhere to prove that yes, I could in fact do better than the man I just ended my relationship with.
That I could “get back out there” and make the most of my new found single status, and better still, that this would be fun and all it meant was opening myself up to new opportunities.
So I hit the town, and before I even began to unleash myself to the male species, I felt a massive sense of underwhelm. Something was missing. It wasn’t my ex-boyfriend, it wasn’t a man in general, and it wasn’t a lack of confidence or assurance. I didn’t feel damaged or vulnerable.
What was missing was a connection to myself.
The week that I made the decision to get back out there was the week that I felt in complete disarray and simply used the idea of dating as a distraction because I thought, well, that is what I should do.
So, the following week, here is what I did instead:
Thought about why I ended my previous relationship in the first place.
Lack of respect and lack of being heard were two major factors. I wanted to be respected as an individual, so being an individual is what I needed to focus on.
Made a list of my goals and values.
The whole time that my relationship was causing me stress, I hated the way it distracted my focus from the things that really mattered—building my business, sleeping, indulging in my passion for music, and eating properly as examples.
So it was important that I acknowledged that those were the things I needed to bring back into balance as priorities before someone else could even enter the picture.
Got centered and connected with myself.
I did this by meditating, reading, and opening myself back up to spiritual teachers. When I listened to my intuition, I discovered that I didn’t actually want to be out hitting up the town; I wanted to spend some quiet time inside and alone, reconnecting, being good to myself, and getting clarity on what I really want.
People say that you shouldn’t spend time inside wallowing, but I think there is a definite need to spend this quality time alone before you even start thinking about dating.
I did nice things for myself.
Baths, candles, shopping, working out, eating well, sleeping, pampering—because although the main thing is to feel good on the inside, it certainly doesn’t hurt to feel great on the outside too! I also made time to work on my new business with a refreshed mindset.
I forgave.
Yes, he may have hurt me, but holding onto that makes the intent of finding someone “better,” who won’t hurt me even more prominent. This really isn’t the end goal.
When you forgive, you let go, and when you are ready to move on, even if that isn’t in the not too distant future, you won’t be clinging onto that messy stuff from the past. You’ll be going into dating or a relationship with open and renewed energy.
The end of relationships will always be hard, but they provide an amazing opportunity to realign with yourself. It made me really think about what I want from life, what I don’t want, the types of people I want to be around (and the ones I don’t!), and the kind of person I eventually want to be with.
It’s great to get back out there and have fun, but honestly, when it comes to getting back into dating before you’ve had time to bring the focus back to yourself, people can spot it a mile off.
When you get into that clear frame of mind where you’ve let go of all the bad energy from the past and when you’re content and striving toward your personal goals, you won’t feel the need to get back out there with such force. It will happen naturally.
It’s a big ask to expect someone else to be solely responsible for our own happiness or self-worth.
When we truly know that we don’t need someone else in order to feel happy, complete, or loved, we open ourselves up to the best kind of love someone else can give us.
About Laura Yates
Laura Yates is a coach and mentor from the UK. She believes that when you give yourself permission to step towards what you love, amazing things happen. Visit her at laurayates.org.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Hi Laura,
Would you like to go out sometime ? (You can call me the Opportunist)
We can go out at the same time in two different continents and connect via Google hangout. We can record the date, edit it, make a short movie, upload it to YouTube, be famous, make a lot of money, get married, have kids and live happily ever after 🙂
Needed this today. I recently got out of a 10-year relationship and am starting to date again. Questioning whether that’s right for me right now, or whether I need to spend more time focusing on myself and my needs. Trying to be cautiously optimistic either way.
3 days fresh from a painful breakup from an unhealthy relationship, this is exactly what I needed to read. Thank you.
I spent the first week of my separation from my wife talking with people on Tinder. I actually got a date. I think my ego just wanted a little uplifting at the time. Something odd happened that week and I decided I wasn’t ready for it. I took some time to get back in touch with myself and have found that it has brought me more joy in the last 3 weeks than a few dates would have. Now, I’m feeling more in touch with me and not so desperate to make a connection with another. I think I’m ready for a date now, but I’m still taking it slow.
A beautiful list you have constructed. I am just coming out the other side of the pain tunnel after 3 long months. I have yet to date anyone but I am balancing me time with friends and family time. I have done a lot of soul searching during this time and feel that I have a deeper connection to my spiritual self. I believe I still love the lady and can now understand that my love will always exist. Love does not die if we are not with the other person, that is merely the ego and attachment causing pain. A love that exist without togetherness is real love and that is the lesson I learned. In time I will find another or maybe I will be reunited with my ex (we had a cultural communication break down). Life will unfold as it is intended, I am neither here to force my will on life or hind from the ebb and flow, I am here to simply “Be”
Hi Emily, I’m so pleased the piece resonated with you. I think it’s ultimately a case of just going in with an open mind and seeing how you feel when do start dating and not putting any pressure on it. What I’ve found really helpful is making sure my life is fulfilled in other ways – so that I’m then not relying on someone else to complete it or make it great. 10 years is a long time to be in a relationship so although it must be very hard for you, it’s actually a really nice opportunity to go and do all of those things for yourself that perhaps you couldn’t do whilst in the relationship? And then if you want to date or meet people along the way of doing all that, you’ll be in a really good, confident and happy place. I wish you all the best 🙂 x
Hi Jess, thank you so much for your kind words and I think everything you have said is a beautiful way of putting it. It’s so important to allow yourself to reconnect with yourself and around people who make you feel great and at your best. And when you let yourself and things ‘be’ as you say, without force, that’s when you will be led to the right person be it someone new or a past partner, I really do believe that. Everything is a lesson! The main priority for you right now should be you – and to enjoy it! 🙂 x
This came in at the right time for me. It’s been 6 months since I ended my 5 yr relationship for the very same reason you ended yours. I took time to focus on me and just started dating again. I met a nice guy whom after 5 wks he decided that I wasn’t interested in him enough. He didn’t explain what he meant but it got me thinking to myself if I am really emotionally ready to invest in a relationship. My relationship with my ex was lopsided. I gave so much it was exhausting and after I ended the relationship I told myself I will not over give myself to my next partner. Now I am asking myself if my holding back is extreme. After reading this article I’m now thinking I still need more time for me. Maybe I do. Sigh…
I had a really similar experience K – I delved in slightly too soon thinking that by meeting other people it would cause a distraction and therefore get over it quicker. But it actually left me feeling worse! It wasn’t until I took some time out and focused on just enjoying myself and doing the things that I wanted to do, that I then felt so much better and ready to date again. Just take all the time you need, be relaxed about it and don’t put pressure on yourself, I think that’s what I would suggest anyhow 🙂 Wishing you all the very best x
Thank you so much S.D – I’m so pleased this helped you. It’s a very brave thing to do to leave an unhealthy relationship so you’re already one step into a much better place 🙂 And once the initial pain goes, I assure you, you will feel so much better about it. I really wish you all the best x
Awesome post Laura! I think you made a great decision on moving on and for the right reasons. I think we often don’t do the things you talked about or take a conscious approach to our relationships. Or even, we experience all the reasons why our relationships fail, but convince ourselves otherwise. We go through all the points you raise about values, goals and connections (all the things we want) and discount them hoping things will get better on their own or the person will change.
Your last point is gold – no one else can make us happy but ourselves. True love starts with self love!
Thank you for your kind comment Vishnu and yes, so often we rely on the other person to validate us and bring us happiness but by doing so we can lose sight of our own core values. I think this is why we then feel at such a loss when we go through a breakup. Unlike the films suggest (!) relationships don’t ‘complete’ us but more, bring out the best in us. Thanks so much again for your comment and I’m really pleased you enjoyed the post 🙂
Hi Princess, thank you for your comment and really good on you for ending a relationship that wasn’t serving you – it takes a lot of courage. As for dating other people, remember that meeting someone really nice who we think we ‘should’ be interested in romantically but not really feeling it, is completely normal. There are a lot of great people out there but not all of them will be right for us. So if you are dating don’t feel the need to put pressure on yourself to immediately meet the right person. Your past relationship (and this time you’ve now had alone) has probably highlighted what you want and don’t want from your next relationship and it’s important to keep hold of that as opposed to getting into something with someone who might tick all the boxes but with whom you don’t really feel that connection with. And don’t feel rushed to get back dating at all if you don’t want to! Just do what feels good for you, go with the flow and make sure that you’re meeting your needs of everything else you want in your life. Spend time around people who make you feel good and use this time of freedom to enjoy yourself, have fun and do things that you weren’t able to do whilst in the relationship. Apologies for the long answer but I understand exactly how you feel so I hope this helps 🙂 Wishing you all the best Princess! x
Yes, yes, yes! Not only do I feel like we may have dated the same guy but I’m starting to think you may have snuck into my house and read my journal. You hit the nail on the head exactly and I thank you for giving me permission to reconnect with myself when I was giving myself a guilt trip for “wasting time” that should be spent on finding a partner. I love the idea of making a list of your core values and indulging in connecting with them. Very helpful!!!
Beautiful post! 🙂 I love when you said “When we truly know that we don’t need someone else in order to feel happy, complete, or loved, we open ourselves up to the best kind of love someone else can give us.”
Thank you so much 🙂 x
Thank you so much for kind comment – I’m so pleased you found this helpful! It sounds you’ve been in a very similar situation to myself! And I really do think that time spent on yourself is the best time investment 🙂 So make sure you enjoy it! Reconnect with yourself and your values and most of all, have fun in the process – doing the things you love is the best kind of healing out there. Thank you so much again and I really wish you all the best 🙂 x
Yeah. I really have needed to take this advice for a while. Following the end of a 16 year relationship, I have basically been manically dating since then. For me, it’s definitely about looking to another person to make me happy. It’s also me running from what turns out to be a phobia of living alone after all these years. Not sure I’m even going to bother to work on that one anymore… I think I need a housemate before I lose my shit entirely.
I loved this piece. I was googling for some ideas for my next blog post about moving on from a break up and I came across this. My break up was instigated by me and the relationship was only three months in. I did the whole “it’s not you, it’s me” thing so I wouldn’t hurt him. But it was him. And I can’t stop thinking about it and it’s really impacting on me. I don’t want him back but I am annoyed that he just didn’t get it. This list was great and I am going to follow your advice. Thank you.