When I was in fourth grade, a girl from another class bullied me. I was in the bathroom during class when I heard the door creak open and whooshing shut. There was silence for a moment, then the girl’s hands appeared on the top of the stall door, followed by her face.
“Whaddaya doin’ in there?” she asked.
I quickly covered myself and replied as nicely as I could, “I’m using the bathroom.”
“Well, hurry up,” she said. “Because I want to go.” There were three other stalls, so I knew I was in trouble.
I had no idea who this girl was. I’d seen her on the playground, but I didn’t know her name, and to this day I still have no idea why she wanted to antagonize me.
I finished my business and thought about just waiting to go out until someone else came in, but she was banging things around, and I didn’t want to be trapped in the stall if she decided to crawl under the door. So I walked out.
The first thing she did was grab my glasses off my face and throw them against the wall. I ran over to them, afraid they were broken. I knew I’d get in trouble at home if they were.
I picked them up, and as I turned around, she slapped me hard. I fell back against the wall, not even knowing how to defend myself in a fight, but I was lucky. She turned, and with her nose in the air, flounced out of the bathroom.
I carried the fear from that experience, and others, for many years. After growing up in a very dysfunctional family, I had no idea how to express all the feelings that tumbled around inside and threatened to engulf me.
When I was in my thirties, I began reading books like The Drama of the Gifted Child and For Your Own Good, and I finally began letting go of thirty years’ worth of repressed emotions.
Over the last two decades, I’ve distilled the process of letting go of old emotions into four simple steps.
Even though it’s simple, the process is not necessarily easy because it can be painful to look at old memories and hurt feelings that have been with us for many years, or even a lifetime.
But clearing out the “emotional storehouse” opens the mind to more possibilities, restores self-esteem, and leads to a rediscovery of the authentic self, which has been trapped underneath all the repressed feelings.
Here are the four steps:
1. Figure out and acknowledge what you’re feeling.
Is it shame? Sadness? Despair? Anger?
2. Find a private place, and let yourself express that feeling.
Cry, punch sofa pillows, shake your fists, throw rocks into a pond—whatever helps.
Let your body do whatever it wants to do. You can also journal, but the feelings move out faster if they’re physically expressed, because emotions are stored in the musculature of the body when they can’t be expressed.
3. Tell yourself you can let go of that feeling.
You don’t have to keep holding it inside. Call up the witness part of you to comfort yourself as you express your emotions, and remind yourself that what you’re feeling is not who you are; it’s only a feeling that will pass.
If you feel like you can’t let go of the feeling, ask yourself, “Why? What do I need to look at? What is holding me back from letting go?” A past event or experience will often surface if you ask with a feeling of curiosity and let yourself be open to any answer that comes. You may need to go back to Step 2 if this is the case.
Repeating this step over the course of several days gives your subconscious mind time to bring the issue to the surface, and you may find that it’s easier to let go of it piece by piece instead of all in one fell swoop.
If you’ve experienced a deep betrayal of yourself at some time in your life, your processing time may be longer than someone who hasn’t had many traumatic experiences. Be sure to be compassionate with yourself as you go through the process.
4. Help yourself remember that life can be good.
After you’ve let go of some feelings, call a supportive friend to talk about something else, go to a movie, or join a group that’s going to a fun place. Anything you enjoy doing is fine.
When someone hurts us, it’s human nature to hold on to the hurt because we think that somehow, if we can figure it out, it won’t be as painful. But you hurt yourself all over again when you hold on to a bad feeling—thinking about past experiences can drag you down and make you miserable over time.
It feels much better to let them go; just let their energy drift out of your body and mind. Once you do, you can see everything a little more clearly and be a little more in touch with your authentic self.
Of course, it’s always prudent to seek help if your emotions seem too overwhelming or if you find that they prevent you from functioning in life.
But if you continue this process over a period of time, eventually the old feelings will become a memory rather than a shadow that lives with you day in and day out, and you’ll be living more from your authentic self than from your past experiences.
Photo by Frank Kovalchek
About Katherine Mayfield
Katherine Mayfield is the award-winning author of a memoir about recovering from emotional abuse in her family, The Box of Daughter: Healing the Authentic Self. She’s also written several books on dysfunctional families, including Stand Your Ground: How to Cope with a Dysfunctional Family and Recover from Trauma. She blogs on dysfunctional families on her website, www.TheBoxofDaughter.com. Twitter: @K_Mayfield
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Thank you for this post Katherine. I’m sorry to hear of your experience but I’m glad you’ve found peace with this and moved on. I think I suffered tremendously as a child. I was bullied from the age of seven right through to 17 by the same group of girls. It was relentless. There was never a moment of peace. There would be physical as well as emotional abuse. The girls would gang up on me and encourage others to do the same. I would spend most of my lunch breaks hiding away, just so I could avoid the troublemakers. I became an outsider. A recluse.
As you can imagine, this experience hugely affected my self-esteem, confidence and social skills. For someone who was bubbly, happy and kind – I eventually became withdrawn, paranoid and socially unstable. This is the thing that people don’t tell you – that bullying causes such ripple effects. That it gets harder and harder for the victim to climb out of the situation.
And during my experience, on the rare occasions that I tried to stand up for myself or tell the teachers what was happening, it always backfired. Matters would only be made worse. All hope of any form of happiness was lost. I suffered so greatly that the friends I did have would often avoid me too – purely to avoid any association with me.
What did I ever do wrong? For a very long time I thought it was my own fault. And right up until my late twenties, I still blamed myself for what happened. I would go over and over the horrible memories and question whether I could’ve done anything differently. I was very emotionally damaged by the 10 years of bullying.
Today, I am mainly cured. I know the bullying wasn’t my fault. I know I was just unlucky. I know I’m a great person and I’m kind, generous, funny and warm. I’m the kind of friend I’d like to have. I try very hard to be considerate to others. And I’m glad to say, I run my own successful business, have a blog that I love, have had several dreams come true and lead a very happy life.
If I’m honest, bullying made me determined. It helped me to get to where I am today. It built character and taught me patience, compassion and forgiveness. It also taught me to take a long, hard look at myself and not shy away from self-improvement. Am I angry with my bullies? For a long time, yes I was. But not anymore. They were just children after all. And I’m only harming myself further by dwelling on the past.
Now and again I look at a photograph of myself when I was a child and I wish I could say ‘Hey Katy! You’re doing so well kid. Hang on in there. You’re such a great person. I really love you. Don’t listen to whatever anyone else says. You’re going to be very happy and successful when you grow up!’ I get quite emotional telling my younger self that. I just feel so sad for that little person with the chubby cheeks and innocent eyes. Then I remember that I’m also talking to my inner child. And I smile. I remember that she will always be there and will sometimes need reassuring. After all, how do you get over a childhood of bullying? I don’t think it’s possible to fully get over it. But I do think it’s possible to forgive, learn from it and not take it personally.
Thank you for your tips and advice. I really hope it helps others out there who have gone through the same thing.
Katy
I am sorry to read about your past. Mine resembles yours. Bullying is pure torture and it’s a miracle every time someone gets through it without killing themselves or others. If I could have one wish, it would be that teachers did their job to protect the most precious thing we have, namely our children. I am glad that you managed to grow into a strong, loving and caring person, who no doubt would never treat people that way. Peace 🙂
I, too, was bullied by the same girl and a few of her friends for the one year I went to that school. I somehow, miraculously, convincec my mother to let me change schools and things were better. There were still bullies but I had good friends and we stuck together so the bulk of the bullying slid off our backs. Then one summer I took a lifesaving course at the local swim club and guess who was back? The only other girl in the class was the one who had tried to make my life awful that one year. We were paired up, because there was NO WAY boys would touch us! and she started in again.
She was on the swim team, she was taller and stronger and thought she could get away with whatever she wanted. She used to drag me under water and hold me there, seeing if she could get me to pass out. The third time she did it I knew she was trying to seriously hurt me and the teacher was blind to what was going on. From that day on I hid in the bushes after I was dropped off, coming out only when I could see the car coming down the street to pick me up.
I wouldn’t go in pools ever again. My daughter can count the number of times I went into a swimming pool with her. I’d take her to the beach, to a resevoir, anything but the smell of chlorine. Finally, last summer as part of a sewing challenge I made a bathing suit and got back in the water. My daughter said “Time to evolve” and she was right. I went through a process very similar to what you’ve outlined here (and have printed off to re-read later!) and with her help and that of a very supportice friend I was back in a pool. I still prefer the ocean but am not making decisions based on fear and old patterns. You are absolutely right, it is HARD but worth it. I wonder whatever happened to that girl. No one I know has seen or heard from her in years. I wonder what happened to make her act like she did. I have a feeling if I ever had the chance to have a conversation with her we’d have more in common than not.
I’m dealing with adult bullying with family (mother, sister and brother) and a family friend. I would think this is something you would deal with when your little not realizing that was what i was experincing until it was too late. I now have no family, bc they are so dysfunctional that they won’t allow me to say I’m hurt bc my mother has always singled me out and has called me names or to make me feel less of a human being. Adult bullying happens and it’s not fun.
It’s funny how some articles on Tiny Buddha find you at just the right moment. Thank You for this post. I am going to be asking myself ‘Why can’t I let go?’ in my next journal session and I am prepared for it to get tough – but I know I can push through it and eventually get there. Dealing with repressed emotions and memories is tough – and it takes time, never underestimate that. xx
Katherine,
Thank you for sharing your excellent advice. I remember some events very similar to the incident that you had in fourth grade. I don’t know what makes some people tick, why they need to hurt other people, but I’ve also been a target for bullying a few times in my life. With boys it seems to be more physical, but can be psychological too… I can tell that my son gets his share of unfair treatment from some of the students at school. I don’t want him to change or become something that he is not, but I want him to be able to stand up for himself. Schools can be difficult places for sensitive people.
Thanks Peter. I’m completely fine now. But was a bit of a mess during my twenties. I never wanted to kill anyone!! I just wanted to be left alone and to be happy. The saddest thing about bullying is that the bully is often suffering just as much as the victim. When I think about what they said and did, I see a bigger picture. I suspect one of the girls came from a broken home – and, dare I say it, I think another was being abused by a male family member. The important thing to always remember is that it was nothing personal. I was merely unlucky. I’d done nothing wrong. People can be bullied for all sorts of reasons. For petty reasons such as being clever, pretty, funny, kind… Or for more serious ones like being a different race, colour or religion. I’m pretty sure those girls (who will all be in their mid-thirties by now) will still feel guilt for treating others the way they did. I’ve since bumped in to several of them – and I always imagined I’d speak my mind – but I’m proud to say I held my head up high, was sincerely kind and just hoped they were happy. What I’m not happy to say is that some of them hadn’t changed a bit. They were still mean and negative. Which, in a funny way, helped me to heal. Not in a smug ‘I’m better than you’ type way. Just because I realised again that it was nothing personal. And that I was a good person, through and through.
Nice article 🙂 I think I will check out those books. I am 29 years old and I battle depression/anxiety and I think most of it is because of my childhood. I mean that’s what you grow up-experiences of child hood. I don’t have a perfect family, I had problems with parents, abused emotionally/mentally by my sister all my life, a few family members seem to get under my skin, I have been bullied emotionally, had things thrown at me, had rumors spread about me all through my school life. Sad but true, I can honestly say I don’t like/trust people in general because of the abuse. I had friends most leave me for no reason, but making me feel like I did something when I can’t think of anything I did. 🙁 Do you know any books that could help me? It’s good to see someone that was able to heal from trauma. I don’t understand why people are so nasty to each other. It’s why I prefer cats, dogs and other animals more than people most of the time. I also suffer from lack of self esteem and self worth.
I know the feeling, my sister always bullied me, and we’re past high school but she continues to bully me when we can so I made it my decision that she is nothing to me, I cut ties from her but unfortunately the way she treated me still haunts me everyday. My mom bullies me sometimes too. I have an aunt that is rude to me for no reason and likes to manipulate things. It’s nice to know I am not alone, just don’t know how to cope. I just feel like in the future I won’t have friends, I won’t marry, etc because of what bullies have done to me-made me think I am not worth it.
Wonderful list of tips on how to let go of past hurt! 🙂 I like # 3, witnessing, and seeking the reason why, and then giving yourself permission to letting it go. Then when you stated “When someone hurts us, it’s human nature to hold on to the hurt, because
we think that somehow, if we can figure it out, it won’t be as painful”, so true, well said! 🙂
Extremely helpful, and it’s straight to the subject. Thank you for sharing this!
Children can be so cruel. If they are feeling unstable or insecure, some will aggressively torture others to try to escape those feelings.
I was bullied a lot; at home, life was volatile; my parents were always angry, explosive, and sometimes violent which trickled down and amplified to the rest of the family. Financially, things were rough and working in our family business was jading. My mother arbitrarily favored me and pettily tried to make my other siblings jealous. It made me a target of their frustrations, constantly being shut down whenever they could, and greedily refusing to help fill in my emotional needs. Needless to say, my introduction into socializing outside of the family was also fairly uncomfortable. Even to this day, I desperately seeking some sort of guidance and security with others (dangerously, even complete strangers), only to be rejected, ignored or abused by them. It’s petty and wrong, but my sense of security around others is severely compromised and I have a constant need to be reassured and respected from others. God forbid if they don’t.
But as much as I can remember being bullied there was odd time I bullied others; the dangers of staying in the bullied mindset is that you always view yourself as a victim, regardless of your own actions; in elementary school, I always felt like I had a target on my chest; always insecure, always panicked. Then there was this one girl. I’ve forget her exact name. One day, she commented on how cool my eyebrows were (they are sorta hawkish) with her blonde hair, slender girlishness and tanned skin. In short, I kinda liked her. One day I decided to make fun of her for no reason; in sing song fashion, I said she looked like a man and did this ridiculously stupid dance. I can still remember her face today, and retrospectively, I can imagine that what I did in that stupid little instance drastically altered her sense of security. I feel like I should contact her on facebook, maybe tell her why I did why I did. Who knows? Maybe it didn’t matter that much to her and it’s all in my head. Maybe she’s long over it? I’ll mull it over for awhile.
Now I’m over two decades old; I took up a martial art, I’m scraping up my grades, and beginning to master my emotions. I have two mentalities; the one that wants to withdraw and hide while the other that tries to face things. I edge more towards self-empowerment and less towards self-destructive masochism. My depression has become mostly a thing of the past and suicidal thoughts only occasionally knock every now and then. I realize how important humor and how you carry yourself is.
Thanks for the article! I’ll try to apply it where ever I can.
I was bullied in school as well but my being bullied caused me to marry a bully, Then after 22 years of his bullying he leaves me for a woman 15 years older than me. I am bright beautiful and lately have I begun to see that I was bullied for my looks and brains. I also took and emotional IQ test and it scored me very high as does my IQ of 125 make me smarter than the average bear so to speak. I think that others can sense that you have something different about a person they bully. the bullies are the mean ones but the bullied one struggles to understand because their emotional IQ says that this is not right. I raised four great kids but lost one to suicide. I was 43 and his girflriends family bullied me so much that emotionally I have returned to the lost kid in school. HIding from people. People assume that I have all the answers I am strong and this tragedy was in no way my fault. My mind never told me his suicide was my fault but I do fault the girlfriend who claimed to be pregnant with his child as placing such emotional stress on him bringing him to an emotional point of no return after throwing him out her parents house and keeping his Army gear and personal belongings. He told in one hour he was going to kill himself if she would not take to him or give him his things back. She called no police. After his death she facebook harassed to my entire facebook community saving what kind of mother must I have been to have a son that would so mentally ill as to commit suicide. Really. Her mother got in on it to and talked trash to everyone. They really can not accept that they bullied a 24 year old man withheld his things, that paternity of the child was never established and they completely ruined my reputation. So believe when I say bullying can occur at any point at any time and for any reason but the one thing bullying has in common is that the bully feels better about themselves when they are bullying another. It removes guilt from within them and places their anger on another. Bullying does not end, it takes other forms whether it be in the workplace, school, family or through a tragedy. What kind of mom was I? One that said see your commitments through, I love you son and I know you are with me everyday and I wish that you could have talked to me about how you were being bullied by the ex gf family. Just because you served your country does not mean that I would have thought you weak if you had come to me. In the Army bullies are dealt with. they is a chain of command. IRL its called law enforcement or getting a good lawyer. You are missed and I am so sorry you got bullied. Please adults you don’t have to bullied as a child to have bullying occur. Nothing is worth your sanity so before you lose it get away as far as you can as fast as you can and put your mental health first. Not a professional this is my experience.
What an amazing writing. You have no idea how much I can relate. Bullying (among with depression and other issues) has destroyed my life and made it mental torture but if I ever manage to get through these problems I believe it has made me stronger in the end.
any one know of a support group for adults who get bullied by family?
What crap. Who do you think you are to write this shit and give people false hope? What absolute nonsense that won’t work for anyone.
I’m 36 yrs old my dad bullied my mom my whole life so at 10 yrs old I desided to be the one that got bully for the safety of my mom so as my dad would take his angry out on me I would go to school trying to be the best I could and I guess it was write on my face to be a personal punching bag for many bullys at school I got out of school happy that finally the bully ING was over got a job with the school board and the bullying continues people keying my car demeaning me I tell management and nothing done except telling me I deserve it my thoughts and feelings mean nothing….it’s funny the board is an antibullying board for the kids but what about the people working there…….
Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences. Mine was similar, I was bullied in high school for four years. I had more or less gotten over it but just found that my bully has actually become managing director for a famous cosmetic brand.
I was in the middle of writing about my experience here, when my husband walked in and saw me crying. He listened to me once again and said he couldn’t change the past, but that we can do everything we can to ensure the way I was bullied and had my World turned against me, won’t happen to our children. That girl probably didn’t even know the impact her bullying would make on my life, and her other victims, and she probably got to where she is by scheming and bullying as an adult, probably still not realising that what she does hurts people.
I am not famous or in a power position. I didn’t manage to become a medical doctor because my marks weren’t good enough in high school. But I survived, and I managed to go to University and have a lovely family who love me the way I am. I am strong, and I am very lucky to be me.
Thanks for sharing. Do you think is a good idea to confront the bully now that 10 years have happened Since then?
For me, I was made fun of all the way till 19 for the same reasons that got me made fun of at 13. (To think that my main bully was four years older than me.)
i totally get and understand when you came from Katherine. I was bullied myself by my own cousin. her mom put her up to it because we lived in their home because my parents were too poor to get their own home. she would intimidate me, bully and ruin my relationship with my sister and get other school bitches to pick on me. then we moved and i came across another bitch and guess what those two are now sister in laws and don’t get along only superficially. what a small world we live in
This is fine if you were bullied like yesterday. But I wanted to kill myself before my age hit double figures. That has affected my whole life. It’s impossible for me to know who I’d be without that. There’s no “authentic self” for me to reclaim, unless you want to insist that my “authentic self” is the broken shell of a person that I am now.
I know some people say “look back at what you liked at a child” but I think that even if I hadn’t been bullied my life would no longer revolve around Digimon lol.