“Serenity comes when you trade expectations for acceptance.” ~Unknown
Several years ago, I decided I had issues with surrender. I was often angry or resentful believing my life was not playing out as it should have been.
I found a great measure of peace by performing a wonderful exercise I first learned of in Abraham-Hicks material.
I took a large rectangular piece of paper and drew a vertical line, top to bottom, down the middle. On the left side, I listed things I felt responsible for and on the right side, I listed what needed to be turned over to a higher power (universal intelligence).
It was an odd take on the idea of a job description, but it worked for me. I considered what types of things I had power over and surrendered much of the rest. When I did this, life became much easier.
I did not let go of my tendency for disappointment, though, and I started looking at types of situations where I became disappointed.
I found that my thinking fell into five main traps. My core issue seemed to revolve around having expectations for how other people should behave.
1. I’d think, “Please be happy (sad, proud, indignant…) with me so I can feel justified having my feelings.”
I recognized that I had a tendency to look to other people to validate my own feelings. When I would go to the movies with a friend, I would direct my glance away from the screen frequently to see if my friend was enjoying the same parts of the movie I liked.
When I achieved a professional or financial goal, I remembered wanting my family to be proud “for me” and to congratulate me on things that made me feel proud.
I wanted other people to mirror my emotional state, and I had to remind myself that they own their emotions and expressions, and I own mine.
I learned that I cannot depend on other people to validate my feelings. I also understood that my feelings cannot be expressed by anyone except myself.
Now, rather than look for others to validate my emotions, I realize I should simply experience them more fully.
It’s good to laugh or cry or smile to ourselves whether someone else can see us or not.
2. I’d think, “If I support you emotionally, you should support me.”
If Emotional Intelligence were a highly regarded requirement for college entrance, I would have gone to an Ivy League institution, for sure. I have a knack for soothing ruffled feelings and for getting people to talk about things they want to talk about but can’t seem to express directly.
I have often wished others could do this for me.
But I have learned that we can’t expect this. We have to remember that we own our feelings, expressions, and abilities, and other people own theirs. Not everyone has the ability to make people feel better by attentive listening.
Instead of being disappointed with giving more than I get, I try to look at how I can apply my sensitivity to mitigate my own hurts.
3. I’d think, “People should act kindly toward others because I want everyone to get along.”
Sometimes, I’ve observed myself recoiling if I witness a restaurant patron acting unkindly to a waitress or a driver cutting off another driver a hundred feet ahead of me. Again, I have to remind myself that I am responsible for my feelings, actions, and expressions, and other people are responsible for theirs.
We are not personally responsible for making up the shortfall in simple acts of kindness someone else might experience. We can only aim to be examples of compassion, humor, patience, and any quality we would like to see more of in the world.
4. I’d tell myself, “I am not ‘judging’ anything or anyone. I am simply refining a preference.”
I rather not think of myself as judgmental. Yet, judgments flow through my mind constantly.
I’ll tell myself that I need to make some judgments in order to make satisfying choices. I’ll tell myself that I’m not making judgments. I’m just refining preferences.
I have to acknowledge, though, that I don’t always confine my thoughts about what is good or bad, what is “preferable” or not, to me and my life. I’ll think this person should lose weight, or that person should drink less alcohol, or this person should treat his children better.
When the judgment first forms in my mind, I will feel a natural sort of entitlement to the opinion. After all, I have good values, maybe an enlightened perspective in some matters. But the judgments will still lead to disappointment and suffering.
Why should I feel entitled to have any expectations on how someone else should live? This, too, is a practice of remembrance. I have to remember I own my feelings, emotions, and expressions, and other people own theirs.
If I believe in moderation, I can give attention to not over-eating or drinking. If I believe in kindness, I can form an intention to ask after people or respectfully offer help.
5. I’ll tell myself that I’m entitled to feel my feelings and use this as an excuse to spend extra energy holding on to an experience.
There is often an interesting line to navigate between allowing myself to grieve a possibility not coming to fruition and romanticizing the loss. Truly, the loss is real, but it’s temporal.
While acknowledging that it’s okay to feel sad, I do not want to give the feeling extra energy either.
For me, holding on to an experience, or feelings about an experience, is fueling an expectation. I’ll get to thinking that things will always be a certain way or that I will always have the same feelings about something.
But situations and moods are temporary, and an expectation that they’re permanent or probable can inhibit us from living life and enjoying the present.
I’ve learned that getting beyond disappointments often involves moving beyond expectations and taking responsibility for living our own lives; owning our actions and emotions and letting others own theirs.
Photo by yimmy149
About Deborah Hawkins
Deborah Hawkins is a writer and small group facilitator. She blogs on mindfulness and appreciation at http://www.nosmallthing.net/. She is starting to lead Attitude of Gratitude writing groups while working to get her book on the topic published.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
This is a great article, and really good points to live by. I especially love this.. “Why should I feel entitled to have any expectations on how someone else should live? This, too, is a practice of remembrance. I have to remember I own my feelings, emotions, and expressions, and other people own theirs.” It’s really hard to do, but I’ve definitely been trying to keep that in mind and it’s made a huge difference. Thanks for sharing!
Very good things to remember. A lot of daily anxiety and stress can be caused by not paying attention to these things. Thanks.
Great words of wisdom I started doing years ago.
Great write up Deb,
Great point!
“There is often an interesting line to navigate between allowing myself to grieve a possibility not coming to fruition and romanticizing the loss. Truly, the loss is real, but it’s temporal.
Awesome post, thank you for sharing!!! 🙂
This article came to me at the right time; I, as well, have/had a problem with the “expectation of support policy”. Recently, I caught myself in what I do-I am a very empathic person, and I give a lot of myself to people, but I noticed that I wanted back the same support when I wasn’t getting any. I bottled everything up and felt alone…and then became offended with friends to the point of anger–rage…to the point of blowing up like a mad woman. I felt so ashamed the following day that I became a person I never wanted to be. I spent some time with myself and finding where my anger and expectations came from. I owned how I felt and realized my triggers…feeling disregarded and undervalued. But these are feelings I created from my expectations. I made some apologetic phone calls, and received many hugs the following days. I admitted I, as well, need a friend and people to talk with. How can people know what I need when I don’t tell them? Thanks for this article, I appreciate it
I truly can relate to each issue that was addressed here. I am so glad to learn the ways to navigate each situation and this article was absolutely heaven sent. Thank you so much!
Thanks for your comment. It’s so funny when you notice your own patterns and decide what behaviors are congruent with how you want to be. For sure, I am a work in progress.
Wow. I hope it makes you feel better simply to know other people are also challenged with the expectations of other people meeting their needs when they naturally give a lot.
Thanks for your thoughts. Thanks for visiting my blog too. I have been checking out your blog. Keep writing!
Isn’t it amazing how much we learn from our experiences? I recently wrote a similar post, about things that I have written, that I no longer believe anymore (Here: http://myjourneytoithaca.wordpress.com/2013/10/10/the-joy-of-being-wrong/ ).
I like #2. So often, we expect relationships to be 50/50. This past winter was humbling for me, in that regard. I went through some of the darkest times I have ever experienced, and one friend really stepped up and went above and beyond to support me through it. I later learned that this friend went through some difficult times during the winter as well, but they never told me about it, because they knew I didn’t have it to give right then. I would like to think otherwise, but I know it’s true. And in the same vein, I have been there for people who will likely never be able to reciprocate. It’s important not to keep score.
“It’s important not to keep score.” A great thought. That’s for writing.
I REALLY LOVE YOUR STORY. ITS SO REMINDS ME OF ME. BUT GOODVTHING ISVTHST YOU REQUINZE IT AND DID SOMETHING TO FEEL BETTER. IM DOING BABY STEPS IT FEELS GOOD QUIT PLAYING VICTUM. I OWE ALL THIS TO MY FRIEND TONY WHO WAS THERE IN MY CRAZY TIMES THK YOU FOR SHARING
I understand that when you love someone it should “fill up a room.” It should flow from you because its genuine and full and because the live is not based on what you gain, it just is. However, in romantic relationships, dont we have some needs? For example, connection, loyalty and respect? Ive found when I love freely without judgement ive often been hurt by cheating. I realize we are the harbour of our own happiness but giving our heart freely can lead to misery too… just curious how other people balance this? 🙂 thanks
I hear ya, Kay! I am the same – very empathetic and giving but with some people, I have noted that I have started to expect more or atleast the same kind of recognition and support that I give them. Again,like you, I dont tell them when I feel let down but keep cribbing about “How can he/she not understand what I want? How hard can it be?”. I still have a bit bottled up and Im waiting to release it/express myself. Again, how will this friend know what I need/feel/think if I dont actually tell him?? Great to hear that Im not the only one who does this, phew!
I also experience the same thing and learned that the most healing thing you can do for yourself is to commit to the unconditional love. If you can love another unconditionally, you can learn to love yourself just as unconditionally because you’ve already done it with someone else. I am going through a rough time right now but I am learning more and more each day. You just have to take the little steps moving forward and stop looking back so often that you forget about yourself and don’t blame anyone, including yourself. It is what it is and the best thing that you can gain from these experience is that our ability to love and expand on that love. Love is not as limitless as we think it is, you can still continue to love someone even when you are apart and both of you have moved on because that love between any two person is unique to the individuals involve and others may resemble past relationships but they will never be the exact same thing. It only leads to misery when we allow ourselves to feel the void we uncover, it is up to us to fill in the void and not anyone else’s job to do it for us. They simply helped us uncover it, we have to find the love within ourselves to fill it up.
Awesome post, thanks I really needed to read this right now.